And once there was a girl who wrote her sour feelings into even more bitter words. This girl, who was lost, and wide eyed, with no one to run to, decided the best way to survive, was her own way:
Keep your mouth shut because your words are knives and you dont want to hurt them. You dont want to hurt anyone. Not anymore
Keep silent because the truth is a very careful thing, a very very awful thing that you yourself havent even swallowed. No one wants to hear you whine anyway. Not when its not even that bad.
Pinch yourself. Scratch your wrist. Bite your knuckles. Pull your hair out. Any thing to keep from screaming out, you must remain silent. Stare into the eyes of the devil, your own devil, with a closed mouth.
Keep your mind empty, don't process the words you hear, the knives being thrown at you from the very lips that were supposed to kiss your cuts and bruises, even from the mouths of strangers on the streets. They can't hurt you, if there's nothing to hurt. You are empty. You are nothing.
Condition love into an emotion that is beyond yourself. What can such an empty, cold-hearted, girl, comprehend? Definitely not a feeling as soft and vulnerable as love. You are too dark, too rough around the edges for that. Too mean, too much. Too sick too twisted too dead too sarcastic too heartless too passive too unfazed too cruel too unsympathetic too immoral too shaken too impure too oblivious too scared. Too terrified.
So hold it in, dont let your hands shake, don't let your breath quiver, don't let your legs lock, don't let your speech jumble, don't let your knees jump, under the never-ending fear than runs through your veins. Spill it out over your arms and thighs in the middle of a dark and terrible night where in your dreams a man comes and your hands do shake and your breath does quiver. Where you are weak and your fingers fumble and your voice is gone, so stricken with fear that the only way to get it out is with something sharper than thier words. Sharper than your own, which seems impossible because, your words do break skin and they do shed blood and they do make screams silent in the night. And you reach for something that takes it all away and you still wont sleep because if its not the man then its losing everything you have left, which you told yourself was nothing, and if its not that, its losing the love of your life, and if its not that its being trapped in green, or being choked by blue, or falling through blue and green and white and you are terrified and it is very quite amusing