I went to church today by myself. How hypocritical of me, identifying myself as an atheist but still continuing to attend masses, never missing one.
Everything was normal. The priest started his homily with a joke of how all the restaurants would be filled with families, celebrating father's day. A tear escaped my eye. That's when it hit me, it was father's day. It was a day that for people like me, wasn't special. That's why the church was filled with fathers and soon to be fathers. The priest continued with his homily, saying that fathers should instill and inculcate to their kids the importance of God being the center of one's life. I cried. Not the loud cry, but tears were running down my face. My heart hurts. My heart was crying. Maybe, I was stressed, like I usually am. I was weeping in silence while the priest continued with the mass. Only now have I realized how empty I've become.
Emptiness was a feeling I never knew. It was a feeling I was familiar with but refused to recognize. I was afraid to be weak. The last thing I need was a pity party. But at that moment, I just let the tears stream through my face. I didn't care if people were looking at me with sympathy on their faces. I was suppressing this feeling for so long, that when it was finally released, it felt like my system was being crushed.
Even if you never stood as a father to us, even if you never acknowledged me as your daughter, even if you ruined and altered my life, you will always be my father.
I realized that there is no sense in harboring hatred towards you, you're one of the reasons why I became strong and independent. You're one of the people, who somehow, shaped me into who I am today.
We may never be comfortable with each other, nor speak to one another. Things might never be okay between us, but know that I always acknowledged you as my father even if you never did and I am grateful to you for making me experience life, even though it sometimes sucks.
Happy father's day, dad.
Happy father's day. :)))