Their relationship was like broken glass, shattered and sharp,there was no salivation of it.-Lucia Airo
when i care
that i can’t bear to see
not really poetry just a thought i had
because I can clearly see
I have been left out
time and time again
I see you all
I hear your stories
you all have fun
enjoy each other's company
I'm at home
pretending I didn't want to join
because I'm good
I wouldn't want to indulge a bit
I wouldn't want to be invited
of course not
what's wrong with me?
what is it that makes you all assume
that I don't want in on the fun?
Even just some company would be nice
but it would seem
I'm a buzzkill
you know you don't want me around
will you all just say it?
because clearly something about me
sends off some sort of signal
that I ought to be left out
do you even realize how often i'm forgotten???
P E R S I S T E N T
C O N S I S T E N T
and you know what?
because EVERYONE forgets me
I'm just not memorable
I'm not fun to be around
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT
IF YOU WERE PARALYZED BY ANXIETY
IF YOU WERE CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED
IF YOU WANTED TO TEAR YOURSELF APART
IF YOU HAD PEOPLE PLAY WITH YOUR MIND
IF YOU FELT ANY MISTAKE DEMOLISHED YOUR WORTH
IF YOU WONDERED IF YOU OUGHT TO JUST DIE
you wouldn't be much fun either
but at least someone might care about you
I think I'd like to cry...
It hurts to be forgotten,
Can you please answer me?
I haven't heard from you in a long time
N I'm rlly getting worried
Ik that ur fine, but I want to talk to my mom
I wish that u would get ahold of me in someway
We were getting close
N now I feel like we're becoming distant now
N it rlly gets me upset
Bc I am rlly stressed rn
N rlly wish I could have my mom to talk to about these kinda things
Wen u get this, can u pls contact me somehow?
even if my heart was broken by you
id tape it back together for
because to tell the truth
the only one i really love is you
youre my everything
in my life of nothing
youre my moon
in my darkest times
youre all i dream of
when i close my eyes
if only i knew how to make things
to say "i love you" just isnt enough
so ill stick with you when times are tough
ill stay by your side
even when things blow up
and ill never leave if you rip my heart up
because even if my heart is broken by you
id always tape it back together
ready for round two
because to tell the truth
i really truly only love
I did not break the law.
I just want to be myself.
Let me be myself.
I don't wanna down.
We have different down and up.
Mine up for you is down.
Mine down for you is up.
Why are you thinking for me?
Why do you think you can dictate rights.
Why do you think that you can destroy my dreams and plans.
Yes, I'm not perfect and I don't want to be perfect to suit someone. Who gave you that right?
I’m not telling you how to live.
Live as you want.
Who am I to forbid you to something.
I am a free person and I will live as I want.
things i’ve said the first time i’ve talked about it include:
“i am so guilty”
“i’m never in a good mood. i’m just guilty and upset and angry”
“this rips somewhere really deep i didn’t even know i had”
“i can’t make excuses”
“i don’t know how to reply”
“if i had just been a better friend none of this would’ve happened”
“i could’ve just kept my mouth shut”
“i was a bad friend”
“i’m so sorry”
“i can never stop talking because i feel like i’m going to freeze up”
“maybe i didn’t feel like a person that could be talked to normally”
“i don’t know what to do”
“i don’t know if i’m ever going to feel okay about it”
“she’s happier and healthier without me now”
“but this is what always happens that’s what i wanted to say in the first place”
“if i were easier to get along with this wouldn’t keep happening”
“if i would just learn to deal with this myself this wouldn’t happen”
“if it weren’t my fault then this would happen to everyone but so far it’s just me”
“i’m not comfortable talking to anyone that was just as close as i got”
“i’m so sorry”
“but it won’t ever be the same again”
“i’m always going to be too scared”
“of course i still do jesus christ”
“you don’t just stop loving someone if you did i wouldn’t love him either”
“i should be asleep and instead i’m finally crying”
“i don’t know if she thinks it’s worth fixing”
Her vast question was
counting on people for your air
is a sure way to end up drowning.
i think it's about time
i create my own oxygen.
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that every nerve in your body tightens? Just so angry and anxious that you want to shake the dirt off of every fiber of your being. Crank up the volume in the car till your eardrums vibrate and only hear one constant, extremely loud noise. Clutch the steering wheel, speeding down the highway, eyes darting to the metal side rail, battling the urge to slam into it and flip your car.
How do I fix this? How do I avoid feeling this way from the beginning? It's the smallest things that set this off and it's absolutely suffocating - like a building on your chest, gasping for air. I think being reckless and overloading the senses helps. Sure it can really hurt you, but in that moment, nothing is okay. I just want it all to shut up - all the thoughts running through my head, all the emotions bubbling up. I just want peace. If that means shaking loose all the parts of my brain and filling that adrenaline by speeding down the highway - then so be it.