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Payton Jun 1
TW: Depression, eating disorders, alcoholism, substance abuse, addiction, loneliness, anorexia, anxiety, death.


I bargain with her ——"can I please have these chips?"

"no" she says.

"please? I haven't eaten all day. we'll die."

"no"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"you'll have another drink first."

"really? why do you always go for alcohol?"

"deal or no deal?"

"..."

"..."

sigh "deal."

"no. you drink first." she says, setting the bag of chips down. she picks up the glass of wine.

I turn my head to the side but she drags the glass under my nose and I can't help but smell the bitter sickly-sweet-sour smell of wine as she mimics my own voice back to me saying, "you haven't eaten. we'll die."


I shrugged but I know not which one of us requested this gesture.

And then I chugged the wine as fast as I could, gasping for air after I'd cleared the glass. I raised an eyebrow at her but she seemed unsatisfied.

"what?" I said.

"have a smoke." it wasn't a question.

"nah, don't need one." I thought at her.

"have a smoke." she said it in the same fashion and tone, but her eyes bored into me, commanding me.

"I'll have a smoke." I think and then I do. I choked down the pitiful bits of my joint I'd rolled a while ago.

"Not good enough." she said. we crossed our arms.

I sighed and lit another and smoked it down about half an inch.

when we felt floaty, I asked, "so?"

"good. feel free to eat the chips. you've earned the right" she said and disappeared before I could retort.


No longer hungry, I tossed the bag into the bin.
TW: Depression, eating disorders, alcoholism, substance abuse, addiction, loneliness, anxiety, death.
to the skinny girls
who taunted me for years
with your catcalling and put downs

please know you didn’t make me this way

**** it if you think I’m giving you that power
**** it if you think I will let that victory be yours

my brain is more complex, works deeper,  
than a simple desire to be YOU

believe me, I’ve flirted with it,
thinking you were all I ever wanted to be

but believe me now when I say that
you are not the cause of my empty plate

so run along and feed your ego elsewhere
because I refuse to feed it
by letting you believe

that I am the way I am
because I want to be one of you
Venting about my ED and bullying
Mel May 3
Drinking water is like drinking
poison
Eating food is like eating a
brick
05-03-2021
For as long as I can remember,
the women of my family have lived
in hunger like hulking tigers in a cramped cage.
Love is quickly used up, its quality fading
from golden light into grainy shadows
flicked haphazardly across God’s great canvas.
After Love departs, nothing remains but
the splinters where we have torn away limbs
and dug holes in search of that light again,
the flecks of gold streaked through our hair,
the ones that know better than revisit our homes.
When we give up, we sit in our drab backyards
to watch the sun sink over a police state
masquerading as the ultimate state of grace.
We tuck our freedoms into bed, kiss our sacred rights
goodnight in case we never get the chance
to lead by the hand into the light of day,
and sneak back down to the kitchen for one last snack,
maybe two. Maybe more, maybe our mouths
wait in secret to transform into one bottomless pit
as we reach with every breath we take for something
we have always known and long since learned
we’ll never be able to grasp in our earthly fingers.
Thank you for reading. If you liked this poem, you'll probably like these:
https://briannarduffin.medium.com/the-back-of-my-hand-f1922dde51f9
I've gotten so used to loosing,
That now when I take,
The more my stomach waits.
Waits for me to fill this hole,
That I've created over months.
But I can no longer take.
Because the more I take,
The more I gain.
And the more I gain,
The more I hate,
Myself for taking the plate.
theres a pack rat in my stomach
grabbing reason to starve myself

counting calories and carbs
till I think I might pass out

though logic is no burden
that mouse if knows my routes

knows the miles, knows the steps
that I’ll take for a piece of chocolate

and every night I try to cough it out
to purge it from rotting gut

they say this rat is life threatening
and that I can finally see

because one day I’ll feel it
tearing through this wasting body

there’s a pack rat in my stomach
grabbing reasons to starve myself
pandemoniac Apr 13
and here i lie
weak and ******
all because i wanted love

love that you already give me

love that's not enough

look at me.

please, love me till it hurts

love me
kiss the cuts on my skin
cry me a river because you're scared for me

ask me to eat because you're so worried
cry me a river because you're scared for me

but you do that
and you do that
and rivers terminate somewhere

i need your love
i need more love
do as i would do
never let me go

your love doesn't fill my ever crumbling heart

it's not enough
you're not enough
and i love you

and this
can just be a fantasy?

i know i need to help myself
i know i can save me
but wouldn't it be nice
to pretend that you could fix it?
that someone could fix it?
that someone would fix it?

because i crossed oceans for you
lifted mountains for you
died for you
lived for you
say thank you.
say thank you.

and ******* fix it.

love me till it consumes you
and then love me some more.
i should get therapy instead of being unhinged on hellopoetry.com
N Apr 13
the number lowers
bit by bit
it is never enough
it will never be enough
not until my body is perfect
and i’m light as a feather
floating up into the sky
goodbye world.
N Apr 13
a reluctant smile as
her eyes made of glass
fixate on the plate in front of her
she is a void
needs something to fill the emptiness
both in her body
and spirit.
Bobby Dodds Apr 4
life is lonely.
and death gives terrible company.
so-
Would you like some dinner?
Tough ***** though, You're buying.
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