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I never felt whole
Or full
Just full of holes
I tried to stuff them.

Stuffing my sufferings
Like mama did her turkeys every
Thanksgiving.
Thanks for giving myself
constant belly aches,
Still I ate.
B/c Every time I hurt,
I ate.
Every pain inflicted
Was flicked upon my plate.

Eagerly awaiting to devour & conquer
This empty bowl of hunger
Hefty seconds spilling over.

Childhood memories resemble a sour patch.
Days were dressed sweet w/ enough sour to match.
See I was born to eat,
Born Beautifully damaged
I was given more bitter than sweet.

During the many sleepless nights,
I hid snacks w/ hidden secrets
under my pillow frequent-ly
for late night feast  
to feed the beast of greedy anxiety
constantly hovering over my body
B/c nothing comforted my fears better than fudge brownies.

Seeking something good to eat to fill this void
Like the time I waited for daddy to walk through them doors,
paranoid from all the outside noise.
Or anticipating for Mom to no longer slam doors
angrily, drunkenly,
Accusing me
Of eating all her **** food.

She sees I’ve been eating too many carbs,
What she doesn’t see is I’ve been digesting all the scars.
Scars she placed on my plate,
& somehow she holds the hate for me.

Cheers to me!
Cheers to being 14 & all I know is drink & eat!
Stuff my fears!!
I mean my face!!
So I no longer have to face the emptiness of this body.

Isn’t that Funny?
Externally,
My Body screams I’m fulfilled
& It must be happy weight.
I say I’m not happy...WAIT!  
Im only happy when I’m stuffing my face.
Widening my smile as I become too big for this space.

But honestly,
Internally,
this addiction is consuming me.
Ironically,
suffocating from desirable food comas.
Necessary to block out the cigarette & ***** aroma.
Blocking out the harsh words I could never keep down.

I cut flesh hoping to release the heat
B/c mama I can’t stand the kitchen.
Even smoke detectors can’t bring you to listen.
You can’t seem to listen to my cries,
You never seemed to go deep & see what lies
Underneath this heavy body.

If you did, what you’ll see,
Is me
Constantly in search of a deeper connection.
Hoping to find at the bottom of cereal boxes , your affection

Instead I’ve gotten attached to food b/c it was the only thing reliable.
Stable.  

Directions made just for me.  

Remove from box,
Discard plastic,
preheat oven to 350,
place on baking sheet.
Cook for 20,
let cool for 5,
then eat!

Instructions concise simple and sweet.

Just how I wish my momma’s love was for me..
Euphoria
It is a word
That means
absolute
and total
happiness
excitement
ecstasy
and joy
It explains
a feeling
of immense pleasure
this feeling
I know
when I touch
my bones
delicate
and hard
beneath my skin
it's not as if
I reach through
and find them
between the sinew
and skin
No, they rise
to meet me
as every day
I eat a little less
and each day
the bones
so pale and white
they show
just a little bit more
My collarbones
start to press
against my skin
as if pressing
through paper
my ribs
straining
against my skin
so delicate
or at least,
they will become so
my hips
will jut out
just a bit more
and my stomach
better than flat
it is concave
although
it only becomes so
when i lay down
but perhaps
if I run
an extra mile
today
then tomorrow,
I will see them
each day
I go to work
counting
religiously counting
calories, bites, chews
cups, pounds, ounces
I carefully measure
each aspect
of who I am
because I am not
who I want to be
yet
but I will be
If I control
what I do
then I can control
Who I am
And if you can see
the sunset
between my thighs
and the mug
between my fingers
on a cold morning
sipping coffee
black and bitter
I will be good enough
for just a moment
a breath
a fleeting second
in my eternity
I will be okay
because I am enough
Nicole Oct 7
It speaks to me each morning,

The dawn of each new day,

Keeping me from eating,

My head is where it stays,

It strips me of my burdens,

Of hunger pangs, of pain,

It guides me to perfection,

It freely takes the reins,

It will be with me forever,

Of this I have no choice,

My friend, my foe, my conscience,

It's her, it's that voice.
Anorexia is an eating disorder
where there is a voice in your head
which keeps you from eating
to look slim and "perfect".

Remember
you are beautiful just the way you are!
Don't let anything or anyone make you feel otherwise.
Nola Leech Sep 23
My body is decaying with the knowledge that I can’t make it in the world
I wake up after a good twelve hours, aching and weak my only thought, you
I hear your voice in my head drilling me to walk up the stairs again
You tell me every day that you complete me that without you I’d be nothing more but the girl who was miserable with her body
The fat sausage finger girl who couldn’t fit in size twelve jeans
But with you, my dear Ana you’ve helped me drop 30 pounds in four months
I’m in love with you ana, you and your best friend Mia
I am a gray sky, and you are my storm
Lighting and thunder, my stomach roars but I can only hear your voice urging me forward
I eat at home, I take long walks alone
I have a notebook full of excuses that sleep under my bed
My room is a disaster, plates, and cups galore
I am disgusting, I’m hoping that when I reach my goal all of my flaws will fall away
I will be exactly like the pretty, skinny girls I see all around me
I’m cold all the time, it reminds me of when I got locked out in the middle of winter
I walked miles going forward seemingly nowhere
My coat taut fastened across my thin chest
But I was shivering, the unknown frightened me
But now I know where I’m going
You lead me with your deathly bone-thin hand
Outstretched arms you pull me in
My monstrous overgrowth devouring you
You squeeze me until all of the fat melts away
Until I am skinny
Until I am bone
Until I am nothing
aubrey Sep 16
none of my jeans fit
i used to wish for this

but now its a reality

i thought once i lost the weight
i'd be happy

but now i'm worse than ever
how do i get better. im trying my best.
Victoria Aug 28
I hop over her toes like rocks in the river
keeping me steady and dry
I tiptoe over her shin like a fallen tree
connecting a crack in the valley
I stride up her thigh, like climbing a sand dune
I stare up at the face I'm so desperately trying to reach
Exhausted I fall asleep in the crook of her hip bone
preparing for the rest of the ascend
I wake to climb her ribs like rungs on a ladder
and scramble up to her collarbone seat
I sit there a moment and look at the body
I'd just explored on feet.
I stand on her shoulder
and walk up to her ear
start planting thoughts in her mind
soon enough this giant will faint
and become my collapsed playground

Though she is so tall
and I am so small
not many can fight my words

Look at her

She's already put the fork down
Moth Aug 25
i hate food
i love to eat and eat and eat
i never seemed to stop
chips, nuts, berries, and galore

i hate food
i love to chew and chew and chew
i always seem to be hungry
pasta, bread, eggs, and more
i hate food
i love to hate myself for it
but never seem to stop
bits, bites, mouthfuls, and shame
Thighs, hips
Dogs, tricks
Bruises from your
Angry fists

Lies kiss
Your sinful lips
Her ribs a friend
Of your kicks

Forever be her
Mind’s eclipse
The mirror lies
Her stomach dips

Hands shaking
She needs a fix
Miles away
Invisible bricks

-G.A.
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