I never felt whole
Just full of holes
I tried to stuff them.
Stuffing my sufferings
Like mama did her turkeys every
Thanks for giving myself
constant belly aches,
Still I ate.
B/c Every time I hurt,
Every pain inflicted
Was flicked upon my plate.
Eagerly awaiting to devour & conquer
This empty bowl of hunger
Hefty seconds spilling over.
Childhood memories resemble a sour patch.
Days were dressed sweet w/ enough sour to match.
See I was born to eat,
Born Beautifully damaged
I was given more bitter than sweet.
During the many sleepless nights,
I hid snacks w/ hidden secrets
under my pillow frequent-ly
for late night feast
to feed the beast of greedy anxiety
constantly hovering over my body
B/c nothing comforted my fears better than fudge brownies.
Seeking something good to eat to fill this void
Like the time I waited for daddy to walk through them doors,
paranoid from all the outside noise.
Or anticipating for Mom to no longer slam doors
Of eating all her **** food.
She sees I’ve been eating too many carbs,
What she doesn’t see is I’ve been digesting all the scars.
Scars she placed on my plate,
& somehow she holds the hate for me.
Cheers to me!
Cheers to being 14 & all I know is drink & eat!
Stuff my fears!!
I mean my face!!
So I no longer have to face the emptiness of this body.
Isn’t that Funny?
My Body screams I’m fulfilled
& It must be happy weight.
I say I’m not happy...WAIT!
Im only happy when I’m stuffing my face.
Widening my smile as I become too big for this space.
this addiction is consuming me.
suffocating from desirable food comas.
Necessary to block out the cigarette & ***** aroma.
Blocking out the harsh words I could never keep down.
I cut flesh hoping to release the heat
B/c mama I can’t stand the kitchen.
Even smoke detectors can’t bring you to listen.
You can’t seem to listen to my cries,
You never seemed to go deep & see what lies
Underneath this heavy body.
If you did, what you’ll see,
Constantly in search of a deeper connection.
Hoping to find at the bottom of cereal boxes , your affection
Instead I’ve gotten attached to food b/c it was the only thing reliable.
Directions made just for me.
Remove from box,
preheat oven to 350,
place on baking sheet.
Cook for 20,
let cool for 5,
Instructions concise simple and sweet.
Just how I wish my momma’s love was for me..