If it takes 11 messages
To get 10 "seens"
Picking up your phone 9 times
Talking to 8 friends
With 7 telling you to forget it
But 6 thoughts run in your head
And 5 are pretty good ones
I'd think 4 words
Regret it maybe 3 times
But after 2 deep breaths
I'd take that 1 good chance
"Maybe we could work"
And by "we," I meant the 2 of us.
We'll count to 3, and the we'll be
Happier and louder than the 4th of July.
Our hands meet; ten fingers become 5,
After 6, the sky is bleak
But we have 7 more hours to sleep.
By 8, we have coffee and conversation
And you leave me after 9 train stations
I ride alone for 10 more minutes
You've already left 11 new messages
I called you and you pick up at the 12th ring
I said, "come home," and I hear you crying
So maybe we go round gain
Here and there, tying knots and ends
For if a countdown ever would be
I wish the best for you and me
Because numbers are there
So things may seem fair
But truth is, no matter the stage
It is with you I'd like to age
This is fine, for me at least
Nothing can harm me, I'm stable by the table seat
And life goes on, stories be told
Whatever happens we'll grow old
Here's a crazy thought,
An answer none of us would have sought
It's strange, you always saw so little of me
I didn't feel as well, so worthy
But hopefully, I'll be strong for you
See, you'll arrive and depart, I wish, with me there too
Because choices you have, that will always be plenty
I'll have your whole life, as much as I can carry
I don't care, it will be a little clingy
But let me know, I'll fall where you want me
Just know I'll gather winds and rains
And sweets and pains, with you i'll remain
On the mountain lay me for awhile
I'll be heavy, but I'll be with you for miles
On a boat out at sea, go diving without me
When you return, I'll be the same, still happily
Of course, life will be lighter without weight on your shoulders
But I swear I'll keep up and even make you better
Don't forget me, cuts and tears and all
We'll brave the summer, winter, spring, fall
You're a nomad when all's been said at least
And adventure stokes the fire while keeping your peace
I'll be whatever you need, my cup is yours to fill
And even when you toss me aside, I'll cry, but still be at your will
Because your shoulder's my sunrise
The sunset, and the moon and sun
I'll protect your back from dangers and promises undone
At the end of the day, I'll lay waiting till you wake
For another hour, year, or decade,
I promise I will stay
I grew up and realized my childhood was a lie
At age 8, I found out magic wasn't real
My beloved Christmas presents weren't from a fat man with a white beard who loved milk and cookies
At age 12, I found out friendship is hard to come by
The transition from elementary to middle school was horrible and I was left with my "friends" acting like they didn't even know me
At age 14, I found out love wasn't like it is in fantasies
Boys will say they love you but ironically they don't mean it. And they'll make promises that mean nothing to them
At age 15, I found out alcohol and drugs were addictive like people said
Alcohol made me forget about my problems as it ran through my body and drugs made me escape as they filled my system
At age 16, I found out that family isn't forever
My dad cheated on my mom and made her feel worthless, like she had been in the wrong. And soon they'll be divorced. My stupid self thought vows lasted a lifetime
At age 17, I found out that life is a blessing
We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or even in the next hour. But I've learned to love life and all of its good and bad days. We only live this life once and I want to experience it in its entirety
I grew up and realized that life is an adventure and we should make the most of it
Serenity, my new disease
Competitive despite the lead
I eared with this predestined invitation
Love trumps all
But my Heart beat is quite thin
Felled like millions far before me
Now, this lonesome addiction has set in
By what metric I self evaluated
Is not your damn concern
Self loathing and self love are fine
Until you realize, they're
Followed by self hatred
Because what you forgot, opinions are not
Something that can be altered by
What you believe
What the world cares to see
The faults you've tried to hide
Are more than definitive
Through someone else's eyes
This solitary empire burns
With the feeling of resentment
Every note of color spurned
From the palette now turned grey
Harmful opinions to no one but me
No one can get in the way of my barbs
Self righteous heroes of a world assumed fleeting
Denied sacrifice can never be free
Who needs the criminals
With the strongest of wills
It won't be much longer before all the hills
Start calling out your name
As it turns to a scream
Try to wake up, but this life's not a dream
Shelter is easy, but hiding is hard
The stars make it look easy
But uprooting's really
The back woods keep drawing
The corner of your eye
From somewhere way beyond midnight
a breeze sifts gentle but true
through an open window.
A candle blows a fatal last kiss
before plunging the room into darkness.
The breeze, lively now and Jack Frost cold,
hugs him like a spoilt child.
It kisses him from numb lips to frozen toes
and skips a tormenting dance along his spine.
His heart – an igloo, a derelict furnace –
beats no more than four in four.
Death march. Dirge.
Once strong now weak.
Muscles decayed, now hangs sinewy flesh,
Red-sore, purple veined.
Hairless and airless.
In the darkness, pain has an image.
You didn’t get the chance to kiss her goodbye.
You could only watch from the window
As she dissolved in the light,
Like an aspirin into water she went.
Matter into purity, dissolving and concentrated.
Both matter and purity.
In the distance the sound of a crying baby dies
And gone is the occasional bark of a worried dog.
The wind picks up again – audible - and blows
Fragmented memories through the open window.
Do you swear you can smell her perfume on the breeze?
Of course. She is the breeze now.
She is all and all is she.
Have I gone? Is this what it is like to be gone?
How painlessly boring is death,
with nothing to do but wait to be born again?
Born again into space
Or dissolve and become like she
A fragmented memory
Copyright Marc Hawkins 2008
Ten years of sunshine, fantasies, and song.
Nothing was right; nothing was wrong.
Suddenly you’re up against a wall.
It seems like everything or nothing at all.
When you were younger, things were what they seemed;
Bedtime stories and parent’s esteem.
Everyone said you were funny and enchanting.
You didn’t despair, were never wanting.
What happened to that perfect world?
Why are you now so scared?
Did it vanish in the morning?
Like a wistful vision, without warning…
Or was it taken from you by
A cold and pitiless world?
Did it make you shun the things that you once dared?
At sixteen, you’re just a little bit older;
The world seems much harsher and it feels much colder.
But it’s still the same place,
Then why the sorrow in your face?
Do you think you should have been told?
Think anyone told him or her?
But it’s the same place it’s always been.
Ask your mother and father how they fit in!
It’s not easy on the outside, looking in,
You seek it for comfort, but that’s hollow and thin.
You’re a loner, despite all your friends,
And your pain doesn’t stop where the loneliness ends.
You can try all you want, to be one of them,
Yet you’re still just yourself in the end.