i trust in you and you love me
forever protected, the umbrella
maybe i'm scared, here and there
i, then, close my eyes and speak to you

you, then, answer me and calm me
we don't need any poetry, God
it's you and me, it's you and me...
YOUR SON, Mikey, Tizzop, Max

protect my mom and my dad,
my brothers and sisters
Elias, Christoph, Katharina, Chris,
Alin and Valerie, Andreas, Dennis

Nicholas, Eden, Beza, Milly, Janet,
Albin, Richard, Robin, Davis, Gisi
and their LOVED ONES. FOREVER.

i do thank you from the bottom of
my heart and my soul.
forever yours, Mikey, Tizzop, Max

orange smoke fills the air, like mist
goons and traitors occupy all tables
a small bar, downtown, silent quarter
whole ones and racks, bagged, airtight

the zippers of the bottega shine golden
24 k, 24/7, creatures of the night who
are made of struggle, gore and greed
deception and loyalty: the brotherhood

hour of the thieves, year of white marble
350 million a year, a neeeedy enterprise
sick profit, blank sheets floating loosely
shark collar and tattoos, loaded *******

sounds of the past in an air breeze, secretly
old butch is swallowing a paper message
leave no traces, mind dem ears and eyes
wild roses and escalades, the night glows

Name?
Please, take a seat
This coffee *****.
Bro, I need a cigarette
They’re nice here. I heard they’re good
I make referrals here sometimes.

Please empty your pockets
Yes, even your shoelaces
It’s snowing. You can leave if you need to.
You don’t have to stay, you can go, ya know
I’ve driven past this place a million times
Blink and you’d miss it

Just through those doors
Is she staying for the assessment?
*******? Yeah
Benzos? Nah
What did you expect?
I didn’t realize it was so close

Family history of addiction?
Family history of trauma?
Oxys then heroine
Snort and shoot
Snort and shoot
Are you ******* kidding?
Why don’t you just tell him the truth?

Have you ever overdosed?
Have you ever attempted suicide?
Twice. The first time I was hospitalized.
In my car. No, I was alone. I have no idea. I came out of it myself.
Yes I’m sure. I felt my heart stop. I saw my body underneath me.
You never told me that
Why didn’t you tell me that?

Do you have a plan?
Will your insurance cover that?
It’s my mom. She has too many cats.
No, not her. She was the good child.
Why don’t you tell him about Grandpa?
No one came out unscathed.

He’ll be fine
Yes, there is a co-pay
Sometimes a lie is a weapon
I’ll buy you a Gatorade when you get out
Oh, you have inpatient psych, too
Here’s my card

I was taught by societal expectations that brothers are suppose to protect their little sisters.

I was taught to trust my brothers and to know that they would do anything to protect me.

My family was never normal though, so believing this made me look like an idiot.

I am the only daughter in a family with many boys.

I was so naive and stupid to believe the lies.

It's crazy that my brother who wasn't even around a lot is the one I trust the most.

I was five the first time anything ****** happened.

I had absolutely no clue what was happening and why I was being manipulated into doing.

And even crazier, the  predator was only about 7.

What!

I still to this day haven't told a soul about that night, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

I let it slip out of my mind thinking that it was normal.

From then, he made me do things for him and watch stuff with him that I didn't want to watch.

Everyday, I thought about him hurting me more.

I was 11 the next time.

I had a little more knowledge of what he was doing, but I was still intimidated by everything.

I knew though, that it actually wasn't normal and really should not have been something I had to go through.

I was home alone with him, and I just wanted to be in my room alone.

He was around 13 years old.

That was the first time he had threatened me with the "I'll tell mom" card.

I learned to not even think about telling my parents about what happened.

Thankfully he stopped messing with me for a while because I had moved in with my grandma.

Thank God that she let me.

I ended up getting taken away from my parents, living in an emergency shelter, living in a children's home, losing my dad, and getting moved in with a potential adoptive family before he hurt me again.

I was 15 when he sexually assaulted me in my adoptive family's home.

He had gotten kicked out of placements and came to visit to see if he could be adopted with us.

I didn't say anything because I knew that no one would believe me.

I ended up telling my adoptive parents because I was in so much physical pain.

They claimed that they believed me, but I knew they didn't.

They put all these restrictions on me after he had left and an investigation started.

I was questioned more that I thought I would need to be and I had two of the police investigators tell me that I made it all up.

I felt like I was just a burden to everyone at that point and no one knew all the details.

I wasn't given the chance to tell my story.

Years later, my whole family came up with reasons to justify what he did to me.

They said that he just wanted me to be prepared.

My brother that assaulted me wasn't the only one that was messed up.

My twin brother played a big part in everything too.

He knew that my attacker was going to do what he did to me.

Not only did he know, he told me he wanted to watch.

To this day, almost 5 years later, I have never been able to look at either of them the same way.

My mother still doesn't believe me, but she stopped caring about me years ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear mom,

I believed you. Why couldn't you believe me?

Dear R,

What did I do to you for you to take advantage of my body? Why did you hate me so much that you could do that?

Dear C,

Why did you want to see him hurt me? Why weren't you supportive?

Dears R & C,

Why didn't y'all protect y'alls little sister? I'm the only one you have!

Dear Me,

None of that was your fault! You didn't do anything wrong! Don't ever be afraid to ask for help when you are in danger. I'm here for you!

Love yourself!

when you find a dead monk,
set him on fire.
the flames burn the color of the robes.
my color, the robes.
orange and red.
ascending from marina's Dark Zone
i look up and upon
the creatures of the deep -
softening the horror of their countenance.
i see black to blue, orange to red.
the Sun is a lynch pin
the monks are all on fire.
the Sun and Moon are a
vector and they are a
time piece.
when you find a dead monk, brother,
set him on fire.

Brother

Oh, Brother
Why I should have been there

I am your protector!
I am your friend!

We are the same blood
I could have helped
I would have helped

Oh, Brother why?

Traveling down these roads
You were never alone in this life

This load was never your own
Id travel the roads of Hell for you!

Oh, Brother
Tell me why

In the pandemic of trust
what I found was him
he made sense of my mess
all that he cared of was my stress
all I must say to him
was a brother

He uplifted the standards
of brother for me
where I could be a commander
and he being a tree
to provide all that I need
or what I deprive of

Where there is no way
out there
he would not betray
what I choose are devils
And what he pray is
high-level

In the pandemic of love
he taught me something beyond
beyond feelings
beyond security
he gave the safest place
to reside in
he booked it for my entire life
and the irony is
I am not known for its rent

What I am familiar with is
he is a goldsmith
and I being his jewelry
would be in his locker
one more familiar thing
is there
this ornament is nothing
without her goldsmith.....
💕