Zan Balmore May 11

Herb smoke fills the room.
I watch TV through rising smoke.
I write rib to floor.
I ruin my cervical spine
To bring you this

No words will fix a messy bed.
You didn't make your bed.
Your mother made it.
Your mother made it.
And here you sleep.

...
Dreaming Liza Apr 19

"I woke up."
   And wished I was dead.
"I walked through the house."
   Like a zombie.
"I kissed and hugged my mother."
   And my body was in so much pain.
"I ate my breakfast."
   And felt sick to my stomach.
"I grabbed my clothes and got dressed."
   But I stared at my scars and cuts first.
"I started my schoolwork."
   And wished I could disappear.
"I turned in assignments."
   But I already knew what my grades would be.
"I ate lunch; I had a sandwich."
   I didn't want to eat. Why do they make me?
"I went back and did more school."
   And wished I wasn't alive; did I mention that already?
"I did my chores."
   And thought of all the ways I could leave.
"I ate dinner."
   Because they always make me eat.
"I did more school until ten."
   Then collapsed into bed, not wanting to exist.
"I laid in my bed wide awake, thinking, until about two a.m."
   I didn't want to sleep 'cause I don't like nightmares.
"I thought about life, conversations, etc."
   Ways I could off myself, why I hate myself, etc.
"I finally fell asleep around two-fifteen."
   The nightmares get worse and worse.
   Please don't make me do it again.
   I don't want to live another day.
   Please don't make me live life.
"Then the day started again when I woke up at about five."
   Please.

April 19, 2017.

It was sad
Depressing
Doing something bad
Watching the blood gush out
Room spinning, body shaking
I am just filled with doubt

Pain replaces my depression
My tears pour out
I start to question
End me out now
I can still feel the inadequacy, the depression
How?

My heart clenching
But I managed to fake a smile, and a feeling
Who will come to entrench?
My cries of plea comes from my soul
It shows throughout my dull eyes
My life has no true goal

Every time I make a cut
I go deeper and deeper
Pain is what?
My positive expressions would just be full of lies
Don't you cry
Now is the time for my demise

Who will hug me
Hold me
Knowing of what I do
"Don't do it too"

Don't know why I'm bothering. Nobody I know will ever read it
Bryan Lauw Feb 27

“Take away, the paper;
cuts a hole in the heart.”


Like bloom anew, awoken,
and envious: a verde-begotten
flaunty smirch veiled upon;
to flourish, now or maybe then?

Thereon fringes; in between spaces,
And the perversely peeking quills
spying; as eager ambience instills;
The silver bearing fissures seethes

red to be and yet; I see it paler,
that I might have it shed if ever
a pearl would shine over its beholder,
I’d dye me green, and cast that hand away.

“Drift away, the ink;
trails farewell apart.”

Tear me down till I am nothing more than a pile of broken dreams.
Beat me till my body is black and blue
Your vicious words tear into my skin like a ship caught in a storm
But this time there is no one to see the cries for help.

Haunt me, till I’m too afraid to face the day because my nightmares are becoming reality.
Kill me, slowly tearing me limb from limb until I’m nothing you told me I was.
Cry yourself to sleep you stupid, pathetic girl,
No one cares, its all just lies when they say they do.

Cuts, cuts, cuts, litter the once clean skin of a messed up mind
You’ve proved to me time and time again I am worth nothing to you!
I’m just someone you claim to love, but I’m worthless
A worthless nothing, better off gone!

Dreaming Liza Feb 17

Breaking down crying
For the third fucking time in
Three days. Please help me.

February 17, 2017.

1 cut, 2 cut, 3 cut, 4

I feel like I could've done more

5 cut, 6 cut, 7 cut, 8

I am consumed with all of my hate

9 cut, 10 cut, 11 cut, 12

I grab more blades from the shelves

13 cut, 14 cut, 15

I cry silently to not make a scene

16, 17, 18

My bath tub will be hard to clean

19, 20

A few more won't hurt I have plenty

21

I wish I had a gun

22

I wish I was good enough for you

23

I'll finally be free

24

It's a good thing I'm ok with gore

25

Am I still alive?

26

I'm getting my fix

27

I know I won't go to heaven

28

I'm almost at Hell's gate

29

It's the end of the line

30

I'm not afraid of death, this I can guarantee

– Counting Cuts // F.C.

Possible trigger warning and I apologize if anyone is uncomfortable reading this

Today, my friends made fun of depression.
They laughed about suicide.
They pointed out the cuts on my hands and arms
And they laughed some more.

"I'm going to slit my wrist too
And even put a band-aid on it!"
And they laughed again
While looking at me.

They made faces
While drawing lines on their skin
Mimicking how I had cut mine
Laughing at how I bled

Is it that funny?
Did you even know what I felt that night?
When the world was blind
And you were thinking when's everything going to be alright

When the world was dead
Of your screams and cries
And no one can't notice you're drowning
And you're struggling to save your own life.

Do you even know how it felt like
When the blade drew blood on my own skin
What kind of satisfaction it felt
Knowing that I was hurting?

Is it that funny?
That I had put bandages on my wounds
Because I was embarassed
To show deep inside how it hurts?

Is what I did that funny?
That you laughed so hard
You almost can't catch your breath
And it even made you tear up?

I also felt that
I also can't breathe that night
And it's because I was crying
But I was gritting my teeth instead of a grin.

Is it funny,
To have these monsters inside your head
Whispering how no one loves and cares about me
And I deserve all this pain and I should die?

Is it funny,
When I finally gave in to my demons
And searched for that new blade my mother made me buy because I lost the old one?

Is it funny,
That I was so drained
From giving all the love that I have
To someone who would never see my worth?

Is it funny,
When I finally had the courage to cut my own skin
And the stinging sensation I started to feel
And I heard my demons cheer?

Is it funny,
When they whispered "cut it deeper!
You deserve to die
Because nobody loves you!"?

Will it make you even more happy,
If I'll cut it deeper next time
And you'll see me on the floor of my room
Blood pooled around me?

I'd like to hear you laugh at me again
But I know
That I won't be breathing and feeling anymore
When that next time comes.

I just hope they become sensitive with their jokes sometimes. They always take my feelings like it is nothing.
Erin Nicole Nov 2016

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
All of me... All of me... All..

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

true for me...

Because of you by Kelly Clarkson
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