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What's family mean?
Bottles holding hearts hostage
Won't hold our love back
Written 3-8-20
7d · 97
Feel Less Alone
It's hard waking up every day without you near
What would you say if you were still here?
With darkness comes hope for brighter new day
Search horizons for light your death took away
The shadow absence casts freezes to the bone
But love my heart holds for you makes me feel less alone
The door opens to world beyond
Say one final goodbye
We wish our time lasted longer
Your turn to be lifted into the sky
Always aware you were an angel
Now you have finally got wings to fly
About my mom
The sound of your voice haunts my dreams
And the wind whispers your name
Calling out to me in the coldest night
A reminder that nothing will again be the same
Sep 23 · 443
Temporarily Grey
In dark moments of life it may be hard
Finding love for your existence each day
Behind every sorrow is meaning
All clouds will eventually drift away
Skies of blue are waiting around new corners
This time only will be temporarily grey
Everything is temporary. Pain, joy, peace, confusion, excitement, and even grief are all simply passing emotions that overall are a mere blip on the entirety of our timelines
Sep 23 · 247
Celebration Of Life
Your journey has come to an end
Mourning for a soul no longer here
Love slowly will help wounds mend
In heart presence will never disappear
Trying to write a poem for the program for my mom's celebration of life
Sep 20 · 271
Anonymous (Senyrū)
Stay anonymous
I won't ever be famous
Because all of this
I don't do it for the glory but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be famous for my words...
You can't craft honor
Character a clear birthmark
Darkness a defect
I think you can pretend but ultimately we are either born with it and are naturally inclined to do the right thing or without it and are forever doomed to replicate those who are. Sometimes they are successful but most of them fail miserably.
Sep 18 · 304
PDA (Senyrū)
They think we are gross
"Why don't you two get a room?"
I love PDA
What can I say?
I'm not ashamed
Sep 7 · 412
We Are Paper (Senyrū)
One billion stories
With thousands of pages filled
Are we but paper?
Everything is temporary
I lose last battle
Your attention awarded
To somebody else
Never make someone a priority when you are only an option
We're finally here
Driving long miles tired
Arriving safely
About long road trips
Aug 25 · 394
Inferior Life (Haiku)
Inferior lives
You and I know it is true
Outcasts together
Better to be outcasts together than outcasts alone
Aug 22 · 377
Hard To Bear (Haiku)
Is it hard to take?
Caring for one so little
Who craves you so much
I know I gave the world
Aug 20 · 642
Broken Brain
The world suddenly becomes blurrier
Like presence begins slipping away
I'm guessing effects are shifting sides
Took one hit too many today

Slept on my dreams far too long
Changed the way perception blooms
Erased gleam one high at a time
Painted me as dark as the shadows in my room

Or just chiseled away my armor
It's so hard to accept the face beneath the mask
Where has the old me disappeared to?
The question in my chest I am too scared to  
I wish I wouldn't have let t ruin my life and transform me into a complete stranger
Aug 16 · 921
Tempting Fate
She was spiraling downward at an alarming rate
Couldn't be reasoned with (though many tried)
She ignored concern
Tempting fate
Behaving as if she had already died
Aug 14 · 481
My Word
Giving my word that this time I will change
Promise kept for once indeed is something strange
Read lips when I say to you "Help me stay strong"
Painting your flaws red will always feel wrong
The way to reach goals is to grow to rely
On each other til the storm passes us by
It's learning to trust without question or concern
In rain until this painful period is adjurned
Waiting for strength to flood limbs
Clear each cloud away that dims
To dance on fingertips so near
Keep looking but it never reappears
Written 4/17/20
Jul 24 · 522
Roller-Coaster Ride
Ripped emotions grip tight
On a roller-coaster riding
Show you my ups and downs
Darker side not hiding

Sometimes drops are slight
When my disposition is sweet
But don't dare to push the wrong button
Or I'll have you flying out of your seat

Although I may appear normal
Never doubt what is underneath skin
Past my grinning surface chaos is clear
Throughout thoughts is perversity prowling within

Put me into a locked padded cell
To completely lose my mind
Uncontrollable mood swings are not what I choose
Sanity snaps leaving reality behind
Written back when my mental state was not nearly as stable as it is now... Not that it is 100% stable now but so much better in comparison
Jul 23 · 126
Miss You Too Much
All my days are bad ones without you
Look to the sky like "what should I do?!"
The way I'm living would surely evoke a frown
In grave probably rolling completely upside-down
Thinking back when problems were few and so small
Universe seemed so frightening but you weren't scared at all
But presently I realize you kept your fears hid
Type of bravery that is heroic to a kid
I would forfeit anything to rewind time to those days
Hate that you are gone at least the memory stays
Found how to love myself by looking through your eyes
Reflection in the mirror today I don't even recognize
A lot would do differently if I had a second chance to change
Take all the hurtful words and for compliments exchange
Steal all the ways I treated you so ******* bad
Erase decisions that in the end made your soul feel sad
Now you are not here to view me turn my life around
Kills me to know I lost the opportunity to make you proud
But I still try because it's what you deserve
To make up for always getting on your last nerve
And if somehow watching me from afar
Hope you discovered how beautiful you truly are
And that you meant the world to me and so much more
In your absence it is difficult to remember what's worth breathing for
You were essential to daily routine
I loathe to myself for not telling you how much to me you mean
It was obvious I loved you because I told you almost every day
I never voiced APPRECIATION until you passed away
Now it is too late to express my gratitude
Last impression of me is my bratty attitude
You just wanted to spend hours with me but I had none to spare
After the amount you'd sacrificed I was too selfish to care
Yet never held against me my inconsideration
Unconditionally showering with adoration
I wish I regretted while you were still alive
So I apologized for all the attention I deprived
Now my neglect and unfairness haunt like a ghost
Ashamed I behaved childishly towards the one I cherish most
I assumed there would be time to rectify my actions later
Guess that is the consequence of being a procrastinator
And oh what heart wrenching lesson I have learned
By your generosity that forever will go unreturned
This remorse anchoring me to mistakes does weigh a ton
Shackles reminder of the ******-up **** I've done
I yearn for you to witness the sincerity when I speak
Whispering "I am sorry" for tears I caused to roll down your cheek
Presently dreams are only location sight is blessed by your face
Even there it's clear I am nothing but a disgrace
You once tamed insecurities like animals so wild
In the corner of my mind they sit piled
I'm working to scrape by without help from your hand
How could toes possibly walk when I am hardly able to stand?
Your guidance is vital to navigate road
Arms lack the strength to carry heavy load
But you taught not to quit even when things get hard
What doesn't **** will make me stronger although it may also leave me scarred
So in your honor will continue dragging along my feet
For success strive when it'd be simpler to admit defeat
Because I desire to be courageous like you were and confident too
It was as if a light switched on the instant you stepped in the room
You were one of a kind
Impossible to replace
No distraction capable of filling the empty space
But I will eventually acclimate to life void of your touch
Though at this moment all I can focus on is how I miss you too much
Jul 19 · 610
November arrives on schedule
Comes in to visit each year
Whispers goodnight with stillness
Rustling one can hardly hear

I only see her four weeks
In heart time is of no concern
World to her is a routine on repeat
Myself know I have just a turn
Written you guessed it; 11/2/18 haha
Jul 17 · 1.2k
Traces Of You
I cannot escape memories
Absence haunts all I do
When eyes close your face is what mind sees
Every place I go there are traces of you
No matter where I go or what I do I feel you there
Jul 10 · 949
Holding Broken Pieces
Holding broken pieces of past in the palms of my outstretched hands
Reasons evade me
I sit here struggling to understand
The edges dig deep
Causing tender skin to seep scarlet drops
Taking Tylenol to pummel pain until it finally stops
I'm ready to give up life and dive headfirst into my grave
It is difficult for me but I must admit my soul is far too gone to save
The devil stole it from my bones and doesn't plan on giving it back
Without it polished surface falters and slowly begins to crack
Just a glimpse into my depressing life
Jul 8 · 219
Motor Mouth
She's starting the motor on her mouth
Revving it up a little bit
Engine-powered phrases spin out
Accelerating with each word lips spit
Wish I was as great at rapping as I am at writing
Jul 8 · 1.0k
Forgotten Spark
Why did you choose to abandon me?
You were 'the one'
I guess I was not
Extinguished flame of everything we could be
All I am is a spark you forgot
And all you are is a smoldering ember that refuses to burn out
Jul 8 · 233
Let There Be
Let there be lasting love
Let there be luminous light
Seeds of bliss will surely grow upright
Jul 8 · 540
The Older I Get
The older I've gotten
Older I feel
More reality barely rearranges
All pain accumulates
Nothing but hand of time changes
Feel older and more tired each and every unhappy day
The saddest thing is state of this world
In eerie indoctrinated paralyzation
Beautiful globe that once triumphantly twirled
Now in serious need of proper navigation
What has society become? :/
Jun 20 · 513
Soggy Sight
With soggy sight and leaden heart
Path is hard to navigate
Stumbling on snakes slithering underfoot
Faltering under hefty weight
I want to feel light again
For an hour or maybe two
Since you vanished from this earth
Found floating impossible to do
Nothing hits senses like before
Shackled by all I have lost
Athough summer has graced us with warmth
Surroundings are coated with a layer of frost
Everything touched crumbles to ashes
I am terrified to move at all
If I step and the ground gives way beneath me
Will be ****** to an eternal freefall
I'm too puny to pull myself up from the dirt
Only manage to splash in the mud
Skin stretching until wounds reopen
Apologies painted in blood
An ocean of shame pours out my eyes
Salty like the sea
Taste is sour in my mouth
Wish thoughts would just let me be
I strive to stifle sorrows to no avail
With any substance fingers can find
No matter how high my body gets
Unable to detach from my mind
The pain in soul won't let me grow numb
If going to work it would have by now
Try distracting myself from the terrible truth
Second of relief more than life will allow
I cannot help but dwell on past moments
Making my head stagger and spin
Turning mistakes over and over in hands
I am consumed by agony within
I am hunted by savage animal
Known by name of regret
Haunted by ghosts all sharing your name
Guaranteeing I won't ever forget
My mind is consumed with sorrow
Jun 16 · 732
Material Things
Life is not about money or material things
It's about love and the joy it brings
I live by this mantra
Jun 2 · 1.2k
Every Which Way
Been lost too long to find the right road
To save squandered time thrown away
Backtrack the past but I'm wasting the present
Cannot erase regret
Tried every which way
I am so stuck right now
May 26 · 939
Time Folds
The rest of your life has just begun
Time folds itself
A finger on the trigger of a gun
Hand wraps around to help
Written 3-27-30
May 22 · 489
One Day
One day I'll be strong
Fly across the galaxy
Ride shooting stars in your eyes
To place we can be free

One day we will shed our former skins
Hearts forever intertwined
Then maybe you'd feel your worth
I'd feel love we before couldn't find

One day existing will not be hard
Soul not ever weary or forsaken
No longer will heartache linger in air
Every morning ardent spirit awakens

One day you will confront the shadows
Plaguing darkened mind
Towards the heavens you'll gravitate
Sin's embrace left behind

One day addiction will not imprison us
You will be in my arms where you belong
Hearts will finally be at peace
One day you will be strong

One day...


WE will be stronger!
Written 11-1-18
Don't understand why universe took you away
Bits of you seen in all surroundings in some sort of way
Anyone observing wouldn't notice something wrong
Crumbling under a surface that is strong
I attempt to hold head up high
Shrugging off wounding emotion
Repeating routine robotically
Earth's rotation slow-motion
I send deepest regrets with the wind to be lifted into the sky
Whispering words never said before
Worst of all:
Accepting absence as permanent obstruction
Leaves me teetering on edge of destruction
There are moments I wish ground would open up and swallow me whole
Touching not one drop of water yet I'm drowning in the depths of my soul
You always did best to protect me throughout the years
In return I have let you down
Victim of my greatest fears
It might not have been my responsibility to keep you safe and sound
I could have poured out some of those shots you would pound
It was my duty keeping your secrets locked up out of sight
Over and over again I told you no so you responded with a fight
Rather than be at odds I would give in to your spiteful remarks
You ultimately would win and I would fetch your bottle of Monarch
Now I'm haunted by those countless simple mistakes
Forced to bear weight of the fact I didn't have courage it takes
I want to rewind life so I could get another chance to show
That you mean much more to me than I dared to let you know
I'd rather be who's held in the reaper's embrace
Than stuck here tears running down my face
It's my birthday and I'm so not feeling it... How can I celebrate without the one person who made it so special every year?
May 11 · 119
I get why you don't want to celebrate this year
Scared of turning 54 without the person you hold so dear
This pain may be fierce
Threatening to swallow whole
Closed eyes will not stop sadness from taking control
Life never will be perfect
The present
Open sight to beauty around
Though it never lasts
Time will not ever heal your heart
Will bleed a bit until you die
You will get stronger every day
Trust eventually your tears will dry
I fight large emotions underneath skin
Losing battles for the moment with the hope that one day I might win
Loss is heavier than any anchor ever weighing us down
So much sorrow written on face I see it without hearing one sound
I wish I could steal your greif and seal the abysmal hole
How can I when I can't even repair my own soul?
Apr 21 · 570
Should I hide complex emotions from you?
Pull out my heart to bleed on the floor
Promise me you'll keep it safe
Even if lacking qualities you are searching for

Feeling faint
I count imperfections
Sincerity leading my voice
One by one petals plucked proving patience
Each dripping with the stubbornness of my choice

With darkest intentions harbored
The silence sins subtly cast
Trust no words besides memories
Carry lessons from the past

I will not reach out for your hand
Close to an honest profession
Bite my lip in anticipation
Peeling off skins
Battling confessions

The planet quiet for a brief instant
Coming apart under gaze
Breathing in moisture from feelings shared
Love set on fire
Cloudy haze

In clutches of uncontrollable desire
Caught by attraction attempting to hide
Life ripping apart with ease
World determined to wholly divide

I must be foolishly enchanted
Have to break the spell
Breathing is raspy and ragged
Can feel my windpipe swell

It's up to you to save my soul
Chosen to make the call
Hate how you let me suffocate
You loathe my newly built wall

I'm afraid to show I am vulnerable
I put on a frigid act
Although needing you close to me
Never let you know that fact
It ***** feeling exposed
Apr 16 · 747
I never have been good at receiving compliments
Unwilling to overlook numerous cracks, scars, and dents
I liked myself once
Long long ago
Lot happened to slowly make self-esteem low
Now when peers tell me I'm pretty I assume it is a lie
I'm only growing older each day that passes by
Crying does not help but I can't stop the tears that fall
Most days can't stand my reflection at all
It is easier looking in the mirror when day is captured by night
Disguising dark blemishes all too clear in the light
I have a bad habit of not accepting compliments
I hate what I put my heart through every day
Memories replayed to keep darkness at bay
A wave of nostalgia shelters from life's storm
Brain and I huddle in an attempt to stay warm
Feelings fluctuating
Too cloudy to find clarity
In this place any portion of freedom is a rarity
When I was younger joy answered call so **** fast
Now that I am running in circles it's stuck in the past
To chase off demons set negative thoughts ablaze
Instead of fleeing the heat they frolic amidst the haze
Giving way to pieces
Smoldering thoughts that make me reminisce
No matter how I struggle I will never stop searching for bliss
Apr 10 · 1.2k
Some Days
Some days feel my strength returning
Have hope I will be happy once more
But other days harder than ever
Heartache rippling through my core
Memories my bittersweet escape
Just wish things could be how they were before...
I just miss you mom
Apr 4 · 132
Coping Mechanisms
I find myself bowing underneath great weight
Dripping anxious regret
Sipping old memories sweeter than sugar
Useless dreams have all gone quiet
World colder than felt before
Through fingers slipping like sand
Do not do anything but sleep and eat
Speaking words nobody seems to understand
My sole escape is through memories of yesterday
How I cope with the grief of living without your touch
Sympathetic whispers not helping to soothe this agony
Head spinning in circles because this torture is too much
Mar 25 · 135
I see myself through silent eyes
As I use my pen to stifle tears
Forever smiling through the sorrow
My sadness worse than it appears
Pieces of me splintering slow
Dreams wilting like autumn leaves
Falling headfirst
Tumbling down
Unable to find a decent reprieve
Beneath the shadows cloaking my mind
Where words collide like crashing rain
Hope begins flowing like a small stream of water
And for a moment I think
"Someday I will conquer this pain"
Mar 25 · 789
Not My Style
I'm sure you would want me to be happy
That you'd want me to smile
Joy is elusive
Cannot be caught
Pretending just isn't my style
It's just as hard as I thought it would be
Mar 23 · 749
March Snow
Snow falls heavy on head of Earth
Weight added as this mighty rock spins
Might be spring according to the calendar
Icy powder covers the dancing tree limbs
March choreographing slow routine
Time taken to feel sun's warm glow
Movements meticulously placed
We patiently wait for greenery to grow
Each morning rises giving way to new roots
Relying on heat that stays out of sight
Looking forward to the colorful weeks ahead
Good weather to melt the frozen cloak of white
Why is it snowing outside? **** Alaskan spring...
Mar 19 · 126
Poor Coordination
Evening sky reflects truth
The glass surface of blank faces
Soldiers marching this war called life
Shame carried to fill the empty spaces
Through lonesome days we wander
Night dark enough to render sight blind
If we let light in we would find rest
The dreams freed of fear plaguing unconscious mind
Undefined weaknesses steadily simmer
Close in proximity to my soul
Gravity of all the success I'm failing to achieve
Larger than that of a massive black hole
Every time I attempt to win I lose
Born with poor coordination and aim
I decided I won't bother embarrassing myself
It is easier not even playing the game
Mar 11 · 119
Acting Up (Remix)
I stand here waiting for you all the time
Hope you recognize before I fall apart
The one question staying on my mind
Is why you keep playing with my heart?
And I've been waiting for a long long time
Sometimes I wonder what made me start
The one question staying on my mind
Is why you keep playing with my heart?

(VERSE 1):
I do not really know just what I'm gonna do
Moving on but eyes close and all I see is you
I do not know why I can't let go of the love we knew
Each night I'm kept up by the image of your eyes so blue
Tell me why it is you I can't get out my brain?
Thought a lot about it and I really can't explain
The way you got thoughts on lock
Mind caught in chains
No longer sure if I'm in love or if I'm just insane
You promised me I'd never have to be alone
Why am I here standing on my own?
Counting on both hands chances I have blown
Figured you of all people would understand though


(VERSE 2):
Staring at phone
Begging it to ring
To hear that sound again I would give anything
Your voice speaking my name
Even if in a scream
Rather hear you angry here than sweeter in some distant dream
That's the only scene ever get to see your face
Your cold shoulder really put me in my place
Never without your love before you said you needed space
Now I'm realizing you're someone I cannot replace
Running round in circles
Living for thrill of the chase
Believing I can catch you if I pick up my pace
Can't accept days I bravely stayed were all a waste
Need something to show besides moments I cannot erase

Sung to the tune of Acting Up by G-Eazy
Mar 9 · 883
I think it is time I finally give up
Many years I have tried
Ugly habits plucked like weeds
They just grow back inside
Singing melodies to help sleep
Never gets easier alone
Bed feels colder every night
Missing all peace I've ever known
Demons play games inside head
Bouncing around bonfire
Laughing at my suffering
Nerves wrapped in barbed wire
The weight of past mistakes drag down
Shoulders breaking under stress
Searching for dream to salvage
Cannot find it within the tangled mess
It's too chaotic in my mind
Feb 28 · 151
Stranger All Along
A couple years from now where will we be?
Sometimes I am scared to wait and see
New methods elude us though we try to grow
Future seems darker than feathers of a crow
A far distance up to go for us to make it to the top
The higher you are the further you drop
Emerged from the rubble before
Must dig my way out of debris once more
I am not a warrior
Only worn-out
Too hoarse to whisper-much less shout
The end of suffering I worry not ever will come
Too many months spent looking constantly glum
I remember eternity when it was a dream
Presently the idea of forever makes me want to scream
My companion you may be
Compare I cannot
We are too contrasting
Or so I have been taught
Our pieces fit together where nobody else's will
Empty spaces designed for your parts to fill
No matter how long failing to stoke flames
Embers keep burning stubbornly just the same
When left in rain our circuits don't rust
Corners of our minds know not one speck of dust
Forgiveness holds me with heavy chain
Through blackest nights in place I remain
Every bone in body craves rest
Fueled by loyalty
Carry on hard-pressed
Remnants of tarnished moments tie heart in knots
Euphoria fossilized in nostalgic thoughts
How I yearn to restore the sparkle in your eye
Glistening with teardrops
No glimmer when dry
Serene silence had now flooded with fear
Cry for intimacy no longer living here
I sense freedom is your secret desire
Your software too complex to rewire
"I love you"
Simply a promise you were fated to break
Asleep dream of the happy ending we'll never have awake
How could chemistry feel so right yet turn out to be so wrong?
Maybe below surface you were a stranger all along...
Feb 22 · 1.2k
Life Is No Fairytale
Life is no charming fairytale
Even on easiest days
Most blessed person you know
Has demons to keep at bay
There's no such thing as perfect
Beauty eventually will all decay
The only hope we have is to hang on
Find happiness within the disarray
And there is no such thing as happily ever after
And should the darkness reach you
Seeping around soul
Be ever still
Silent too
I will lift you from that hole

For wakening stifled sin
Soft and weary sighs
Heal this wound created within
Make it numb with lies

The sand burrowing deeper
Every grain burns like fire
Fears fed to the grim reaper
Spirit growing tired
Feb 18 · 101
Between us is a distance
In body and in mind
Wish this was a movie
I could press rewind

I left goodbyes hanging
On clothesline in the wind
Watch them from the window
As they catch gusts and spin

Hoping moon will pull you home
Like it corrals tides
By power of some invisible force
I will wake up with you by my side

But only echoes return
Voice a boomerang
Where hopes once gallantly soared
They now just limply hang

I was closer than I suspected
Suddenly taken by surprise
No idea how much I'd miss you
Even ******* and lies

Before brain mingled with yours
Balance wholly my own
Inadvertently stole my independence
Now it is hard to live alone

With memories to enforce
Misery every day
Reminding of gravity
Of words I failed to say

Before I became fading image
Passing thought in your mind
If somebody told me I wouldn't have believed
Would one day no longer be aligned

I was more naive in my youth
Took pain to help me see
Regardless how cemented something is
In blink of an eye with no warning can flee

Back when I had journey figured out
Answers seemed so clear
Simple solutions turned fuzzy with time
Steadily came undone every year

I did not notice the gap between us
Was all my foolishness got wrong
How did we stray so far apart?
I am not sure but now you're gone
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