I am terrified to fall in love with you
Know how easily I can break
Say it is worth the risk
Don't get how much is at stake
Got fantasies frolicking in skull
Pills do not make me feel as great as you
I don't dare succumb to effects
Fairytales are too good to be true
That little voice whispering
To try again and be brave
My longing is stifled by past events
When I last let my resolve cave
Can I find strength to take the plunge?
Leap off cliff to uncharted depths below?
Without harness or safety net to catch
Unwilling to allow myself to sink that low
Help cut tethers trapping me in this place
Give anything to feel free once more
My fear holds me captive inside a prison
I can't seem to find the door
You make falling appear easy
With snap of fingers head over heels
Icy heart has been frozen for so long
Can barely remember how being alive feels
I wish I could forget sorrow
Brought by mention of a familiar name
Remind myself that you are different
Still worry it will end the same
It does not seem fair for you to give your all
Equal effort expected in return
I am simply unable to reciprocate
Love and consideration for which you yearn

I close eyes and count to ten
Take shaky breath of air
Hesitate to open them
Afraid to see you are no longer there
I want to make you happy
Sometimes that seems so tough
Despite golden intentions
Efforts are never enough
Then we build expectations
Late into night
At first both exceed them
Until sparks ignite fight
Yet fire lights lantern
To guide way through the dark
Ecstasy acts as glowing beacon
On weightless journey I embark
Your laughter rings like chords in ear
You got me above clouds so high
Trust earned like a certification
Learning to let hang loose fears you untie
Teaching to speak with a tender tongue
Feeling finer than I have in years
I hope that beneath the surface
Devotion is as deep as it appears
Appreciating your words and savoring
Time we have before it disappears

I know I pull nerves sometimes
Your stomach left feeling hollow
Chest rhythms identical
In your footsteps swear not to follow
A solid lump forms in throat
Weighing down heart
So fragile I experience pain
Cry even miles apart
I may not have gotten to select you
But I wouldn't have ever picked another
If death kills you hope you haunt me
Because I can't imagine life without my mother

Tears rain onto cheeks as you watch
In my head wheels spin around
Speech crackling like phone line static
Words blurs barely making sound
How can it be I already epitomize alone?
You reassure me there's plenty of time
Doubts creep like morning fog
Mentally assessing mountain you must climb
Staring at fragile fingers
Present compared to past
Sun set in an instant
Night falling fast
Surroundings mostly hazy
Some parts crystal clear
Ironically what I witness best
Are the things I long to disappear
I'm left with knot in my stomach
Getting tighter with each turn
Wanting peace known as a child
Naivete time won't return
I bought one-way ticket to worry
Shouldn't have boarded train at all
Choke my sorrows and lungs with smoke
Drown yours in alcohol
Life nicer through a glass
Sure it ensures your fear departs
Pulse started pounding louder in my ear
Love wistfully contained within hearts
I cannot explain terror
Bleeding out
Hole will not close
Stubborn ways too old to change
Your incongruence shows
Forcing hope straight down throat
Waiting for falsity to be revealed
Flowers you planted instead of weeds
To be crushed on cruel battlefield
Your comfort tonelessly whispers to me
Thought that would soothe my stress
Did not argue with your perspective
For your sake try obsessing less
But under surface shrieking
Phrases pondered remaining hid
Grasping for method to save you
Before you are gone and I wished that I did

I never asked you to fall in love
Never begged to own heart
Chose to share your life for free
You want to be apart
I believe you are making a mistake
Something horrible you will regret
I assumed that what we shared was special
You passed up kinda love people rarely get
Me and you head over heels
I admit that much to be true
You're not who you made yourself out to be
I trust that the authentic version no one knew
Need to understand reasons
I imagine that if you explain why
Ran away from the world we built
My tears would slowly dry

Not noticed from beginning
Parallel parked car
Windshield tinted
Stickered bumper
Wiping tears to collect in a jar
Nails chewed at the ends
Watching through small panes of glass
Fence of fear put between us
Fighting demons that harass
About whether to halt or flee
Butterflies telling lies
Distance will take away secrets
Conscious is cut down to size
Said you couldn't believe luck
Being with a girl like me
Something darkening your pupils
Smelled hint of sour finally
Cheeks flushed crimson with blood and shame
Plans cancelled out of the blue
Sorry said like it was not a big deal
Worked before a time or two
Did you suspect me to be that gullible?
That I would not check your alibi?
You think I'd be easy to forget
With **** of your head said goodbye
Still going through worst every day
Loneliness deeper than the sea
Sensing lost connection dwindling fast
Increasing intake
Caffeine and vitamin c
Maybe were chained to my skeleton
Hanging on because you had no choice
You weren't playing me the whole time
Rendezvous and secrets shared your voice
As I drink insecurities
You in a hurry go out the front door
Follow and find out where you drive
Heart was needing to understand more
It may be too late presently for us
I still hold hope for you and I
If I cross your mind at all please can we just try?

You didn't want love I offered
I continued life alone
Both lucky
You more than I
To be alive on my own
It's 11:11
Make a wish
Won't come true for you twice
Time I lost missing you is now yours to spend
You are paying the price

When I smell Old Spice it takes nose back
Think of being close to your skin
Was it your sweat as our pulses raced?
We were producing promises to win
Homemade pizza promptly devoured
Flour handprints on ****
Bedazzled jeans
Holes in both knees
Blond hair perfectly cut
I remember admiring freckles
Couldn't take your eyes off my smile
Inebriated night after night
Dreamed of walking the aisle
When tasting Smirnoff *****
Always think of our start
Hearing laughter in my mind
No matter how long we have been apart

I wish there were ways to heal
Struggling to close cuts
Without stitches to tie skin together
Won't let a single one shut
Without glue to stick
Doesn't matter what words you say
Wanting won't make up to me
Top of head is turning grey
Feeling as if I'm not in control
Forced to look ahead
Doctor would diagnose depression
But I'm determined to not exit my bed
Without somebody saying they love me
Line easier to cross
Believing that I want to die
Apathy being my pushy boss
Charger crouches on table unused
The reason I don't have a phone
Best friends have all abandoned me
I truly am all alone

I wish I was made of bulletproof skin and a barbed wire mind
Heart was buried treasure impossible to find
In need of good luck if you've any to spare
Seems mine was carried away like a balloon into the air
I dream of following but I can't sprout a pair of wings
To the earth anchored by melancholy
Held by a thousand strings
Full of too much sorrow there's hardly any room to move
Grief sits on shoulders
An anchor weighing too much to remove
Mirrors at every turn mocking me with my own reflection
Tormenting reminders of each mistake and imperfection
I do not know how much longer I am able to stand on these two feet
Exhausted from daily performance mastered and am condemned to forever repeat
Don't believe my own worth though I try I can't love who I have become
Disappointment stings worse than bees so do all I can to stay numb
I'm waging war with myself and taking bets on which side will win
Back and forth tug of war constantly makes my head spin
Heaven? Hell?
Good? Evil?
Light? Dark?
I have no clue
I'm so lost in madness contained in my soul that it is tearing my heart in two

For sake of argument let's pretend you're right
Smiled to prove that I'm doing alright
Wake
Freedom left idle too long
Seemed to be unsure of where it belonged
Who are you taking independence from my arms?
Fireflies caught in fictitious mason jars
To warm dreams on nights dark and cold
For the sake of principle I break the mold
I smile but know it isn't real
Last line drawn separating what I feel
Gaze still trained on love already gone
Saga discontinued from now forever on

I behave like a baby many hours of the day
Please believe I don't decide to be this way
Someday ill learn to stifle my tears
The sogginess blurring my eyes will clear
When fleeing fears
Run straight into a wall
Instead of arms so I end up on the concrete and crawl
And there I ponder the cause of our confrontations
Looking for obstacle blocking negotiation
Both our lungs breathing in identical air
Clouds of smoke stop from witnessing what's really there
And I am blinded I am afraid to admit
I am lost with clenched jaw refuse to submit
But little by little realize I'm in the wrong
Too stubborn to surrender I stagger along
Eventually begin losing hope of finding our way back
You grab the reins and somehow steer us on the right track
Sometimes touch your surface and my fingers melt through skin
Can't tell if a nightmare or a dream we're living in
I would give any belongings for us to have a fresh start
Careless and free
No wounds on your heart
In blue hues created I tread water so deep
Listen for answers but hear no peep
Earth on axis keeps spinning around
Days passing quickly I lie on the ground
I'm afraid to move too fast so I end up standing still
I feel the person you desire wears shoes I cannot fill
Your warmth a blessing that I truly don't deserve
Putting sun in my sky but what purpose do I serve?
Your magnificence reminder of everything I'm not
So busy drowning in sorrows can't consider the good I've got
Can't imagine a world without watching your smile
Yet I take it for granted by acting hostile
I long to unfold like a paper plane
Flatten folds so I can translate contents of your brain
If I could press a button I'd erase all your concern
A blank slate is impossible so trust I must gradually earn
So I'll write words on pages until you finally agree
You are the only one with the privilege of having me
It is my wish you open your door
Disarm your defenses protecting your core
I know in absence the nights can seem long
Will never break because connection is strong
You take up a large portion of my head
Sometimes don't call just thinking about you instead
Thanks for existing and even more for being there
There are moments I weep over statements said but I never doubt you care
You are simply trying to share wisdom with advice
How you express cannot always be positive and nice
But daily impact you have on my routine
Bigger than you are aware of
Though results are rarely seen
You are refuge from the storm when it rains too severely to stand
Shelter to protect my safety though why I will never understand
Our souls balance like yin-and-yang
I am shade
You are white light
Struggles threaten us
You pull me close and I'm sure everything will be alright

I want to hold you close
Like we are supposed to be
Keep you cozy and protected
Help you realize and see
The truth you try hard to deny
All my life I've had no doubt
I am half
In your presence
Whole
Partial without

Either I am untruthful or you are insane
Dishonest is something I'm not
Morals to you are invisible
During battles hard-fought
You remain blind to true character
After many months have gone by
Won't give the benefit of doubt
Yet don't have a good reason why
I'm feeling undervalued
Even more than that overlooked
You are impossible reasoning with
Against all sense I remain hooked
I believe you should bestow better treatment
Than accusations
Condescending words
Always finding justification
The way you view world is absurd
You'll start argument over something made-up
Afterwards realize you were wrong
Attempting to understand the thoughts in your head
Have trouble following along
It's like you expect to have your mind read
Before emitting one sound
I need you to spell-out the answers
We chase each other round and round
How can person who leaves me breathless
Be the same who causes me to suffocate?
Smothering in expectations
Buried under hefty weight
Your touch warms darkness of my sky
Also occasionally burns my skin
Since the day you entered life
Actions have made head spin
One minute everything is fine
Suddenly eyes turn cold
Picturing past simplicity
No pressure to fit a mold
I recall taste of potential
Back at the start
Saw orchards sprouting in the distance
Hope a priceless work-of-art
In harbour of security I wade
Waves gradually drag body down
Very same waters keeping me safe
Belong to sea in which I drown
You know exact places to poke
Press button turning me bright red
An expert contortionist
Twisting and rearranging sentences said
I wish I could plan visit
To inside of your brain
Take peek at the sacred sanctuary
To which access never will be gained
The longer we carry on in this manner
A suspended state of fear
More claustrophobic I become
Zero room to wiggle out of here
I mourn passing of your trust
Ponder if ever actually alive
Or if earlier before we met
Had stored in your archive
I suppose in both our natures
Are tall walls built to defend
Just manifested differently
History of trauma refusing to mend
And now threaten to end us?
If you do will be your loss
How dare you treat like garbage
A broken toy to toss
I desperately yearn to run
So you catch me in your embrace
What if you stare as I vanish
Like smoke without trace?
When ordering me to be quiet
Stings sharper than a bee
If uninterested in contents of my skull
Explain why bother staying with me
I look to the heavens for a shooting star
Outer space is empty tonight
I hold onto you through the blackness
Not letting go until we see morning light

I am human after all
Tempted each day
I am foolishly blinded by love
Sliver by sliver resolve fades away
I am immobilized by agony
Weight grows hard to bear
Tip over so I can be free
Off edge to fall somewhere
Toppling head over heels in a haze
Comparable to Jack and Jill
Chain snapping as moment occurs
Crashing at bottom of this hill
I am the statue everyone sees
Poised awaiting instruction
Off-track I tumbled through the trees
Cracked by calamitous destruction
Start healing wounds all over skin
Created from own poor decisions
Gravity not willing to let me advance
Rolling accumulated incisions
Back and forth I wander
Earth tilts beneath my feet
Dizzily confused I can't figure out how
To steady myself preventing defeat
It's impossible getting where goals are
Wobbly with each step I take
Top of the mountain seems so far
Luckily legs do not ache
It seems this journey will not ever end
The wind
Ocean
Temperature
Ground
Rattling bones that comprise my skeleton
Rampant running around
It's not fair punishment by any means
Served my time in this location
Already processed surrounding scenes
Fists balled due to brain's frustration
Downward I cast exhausted eyes
Driven by instinct to carry on
I am accepting of demise
All hope is gone

I love the way you come crawling back

Sing false promises

How birds chirp meaningless melody

Turn white morning air to grey diluted clouds

I appreciate how nature is always concrete

Honking goodbyes are fowl flying above our foolish heads

In dark black pupils stories rooted so deep they will never be told

Against skies of blue-black and pink pose in continuous grace

I adore the way you hunt me like a wild predator prowling for it's next meal

I keep track of the number of times you plunge on me
Teeth puncturing prey
Tearing into shreds

And dreams we shared shatter before my empty eyes

You'll come back
You always do

Attracted due to an invisible natural force
Too dynamic to resist

Trouble spilling in paradise
I won't make a peep
Words worthless anyhow
You know talk is cheap
I keep struggles stitched up tight
In patches sewn underneath my skin
Stress wears seams until they snap
Bystanders get a glimpse within
And God forbid living souls witness
Damage or wear and tear
I strive to become a statue
Motionless to every passing stare
I know you wish to be perfect
Such a thing does not exist
I am not the best at navigating
Trails of life that turn and twist
I am rueful for not being grateful
The way you juggle our problems with skill
Probably am an anchor you drag along
Not quitting though hike is uphill
I long to help carry burdens
My arms are simply too thin
Fear I'll drop precious cargo from hands
Soon as movement begins
I would not blame you if resentment
Started erecting high walls
Disappointment forced you away from me
On road paved with regret and missed calls
I don't hear how you are able to see beauty
In my reflection I just see my mistakes
Don't have an explanation
For why heart constantly aches«
But you lift the sun a little bit higher
Clearing dark clouds in skies
With flick of the wrist you beckon their return
Rain pours from both heaven and my tired eyes
I do not think I deserve most poor treatment
All I want is to find your laughter
You've got this bad habit of putting me down
Feeling bad for it after
I should battle FOR you
Not with you
Be my first priority
If you stopped imprisoning my heart
Would realize it's you who holds the key

Sometimes angry with choices
Sometimes happy though you are gone
Sometimes painful to remember voices
Every word replays in mind like a song

Stuck on your image
All the moments we shared
How I wish it was someone else for which I cared
Good memories had in the past
Upset me cause they went too fast
I'll never know which portion of it was real
Or the number of emotions you swore to feel
I don't ever receive a straight answer from you
Perhaps you yourself never knew
The love reflected in your glacier eyes
More memorable than countless lies
The truth is difficult to forget
And even harder to accept
Do you ever step back and look at your life?
Or the mirror and ask yourself why?
I guess there's no way to know what you're feeling
Layers are endless
I keep peeling
I hesitate
Hoping you'll somehow revert
To the you that didn't make me hurt
It seems that was so very long ago
For some reason my heart won't let you go

And how do I keep inhaling when the air has vacated my chest?
With memories that use up all the time that I invest
Banished like pests from the house I used to inhabit
No longer within reach like the rest of my bad habits
To think what you did this for unable to find a reason
Only blank spaces stand to justify your treason
What pain I am composed of
Fear constructs my skin
Until new experiences are made
Old ones sink further in
Again and again play movies in my mind
History home to me so I constantly rewind
I continue living though it's just a waste
Adventures await but I can't seem to make haste
If only I could control these dire thoughts
With your presence gone happiness rots
Seeking solace in words spilled onto page
Anticipating the key that will unlock my cage
The mystery remains as to the force driving you to go
Perhaps even you yourself don't know

Smoking myself crazy
In the wind hear your voice
If truly making you happy
I support your choice
I love her loving you
Embrace and sharp cold words
Fear not you moving on
But not moving forwards
For all we have been through
Turns and coils my distress
A mind ferocious and primal
Tamed by loneliness
All the thoughts go unsaid
Linger in air
If only each one could be gathered
Carried away somewhere

How could I get hopes up high?
Heart was far too heavy to fly
And body lacks a pair of wings
Tried to come despite these things
Why did I not expect the worst?
Can't imagine being put first
I cannot imagine how it feels to be needed
Can't imagine not being poorly treated
Losing is a task at which I excel
Don't let me go through more hell
Don't allow me to fall further than I am
Won't ever again about me give a ****
It hits me with sadness to see you don't care
So wistful because I have nobody there
To know other thoughts take up your mind
Disheartening and I can't help but wonder if you're blind
I cannot hug you because you are physically too far
Can only sigh and wish upon a star
Distance our enemy keeping us from peace
Every day forced to spend alone makes interest decrease

VERSE ONE:
You know me truer than I know myself
Lately I've been turning into someone else
Thoughts I place upon a shelf
Hidden cause I won't ask for help
An honest woman most the time
Except when saying I am fine
I ask the universe why I'm alive
Born to live
Live to die
A fool
Will not try to deny
Already accepted I won't make it in life
Every moment you break me it hurts a little more
Worth it feeling butterflies in my core
Were once best friends but not anymore
After the pain I guess you got bored
Would bring flowers to your front door
It wouldn't make you feel the way you did before

HOOK:
To make something happen we had a chance
Just have to remember that homecoming dance
Believe it is special
Love we share
Can you sincerely say that deep down you don't still care?

VERSE TWO:
This worse than I ever feared
Fall of everything once held dear
This where the face that used to be near
Becomes distant memory
And unclear
Built by us when we first arrived here
The smiles
Secrets
And tears
As they tug heartstrings
Feelings flooding back
Standing on piles of perseverance I lack
Through mess it's difficult to make out what's real
Can't tell if infatuation or animosity I feel
Pinned against walls that close in and seal
Inside our souls so we don't heal
Meet shadows as we bend and kneel
Wonder from the floor why the world is so surreal
Your noose hanging from a beam of steel
Your death is a choice fate may steal

(HOOK)

Shaking hand holds pen
"It is just cold" one more lie
Afraid to face truth

Difficult ditches
Beautiful angles emerge
Viewing stars better

If you aren't comfortable
On throne you sit striking a pose
Stand by me instead
If not liking the life you chose

Wrong decisions catch up
Sort it out best as we can
If you do not enjoy the direction you're going
With me make a different plan

For none of trespasses
Hurt enough to stop my love
Join me in my bed once more
Something that I'm dreaming of

If you do not love her like you love me
Lie by me and talk
I'll tutor with honest advice
Teach which thoughts to block

I'll walk with wherever you roam
Even take the lead
Tell you how special you are
Help you with whatever you need

If you hold me in your arms
Will not let you down
Give you everything she does
Make you smile when you frown

If you don't picture futures with her
On mind when you're in bed
It is safe to say she's not the one
If you cannot get me out of your head