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Amanda 1d
I try to do the best I can
Yet everything still falls apart
I end every day with the same problems
Working their way through my heart

Talk but you are distracted
We never find a solution
Stress poisoning the air around us
We keep breathing in pollution

Just keep ignoring the damage
Acting like we are fine
Blind to fact we are tiptoeing
Dangerously on a thin line

Me pretending that I don’t notice
How close we are to the edge
You don’t seem to mind the risk
Associated with the ledge

You listen
You attempt to understand
Why I live with such fear
But can’t change the speed you move at
Or switch into a lower gear

Don’t hear my worried murmurs
Cries fall upon ears rendered deaf
If you continue wheeling and dealing
Soon nothing will be left

Destroying me one piece at a time
As you throw your potential away
Hoping in time you will see the truth
Before it’s too late to stop decay
I hate the lifestyle we live
2d · 46
Fuck The Police
Amanda 2d
What gives cops the right to do whatever they please?!?!
Forcefully vacating premises that on a whim they seize
Rendering multiple people homeless
Innocent or not
Not caring if the right perpetrator is caught
Deceiving to benefit their colleagues and careers
Law-abiding and criminals alike filled with fear
Padding pockets with taxpayers money
How come the majority can’t see something’s funny?
And if their comfy salaries are not enough
Slyly shake down any person they cuff
Too often dollars are unreported
Come up missing after everything is sorted
No justice for the public
Rich or poor
Those poverty-stricken get ****** much more
If you can afford bribes you at least have a shot
Even then
Not every pig can be bought
They wear badges so they face no consequences for sin
Abuse power again and again
And it’s obvious to anyone with eyes to see
Citizens powerless in the land of the free
If we rise and protest we’ll gain their attention
End up in jail if we even dare mention
The multitude of ways rights are violated
We stay silent while the system is hated
Because if you do catch police doing wrong
In court hear the same ******* song
They work together to keep us from what’s fair
Doesn’t matter where you go
Corruption is everywhere
So do not expect aid from the government or a judge
Like law enforcement
Their opinion won’t budge
Every option offered to help
Just another fallacy the media sells
They are all in cahoots
We’re ******* from the start
Look at statistics spread out on a chart
So do we rebel when the law’s not on our side?
Those sent to protect us only lied
My whole life been taught cops are not who to trust
Everyone around me is brainwashed they must
In vain I hope our country will change
Have no clue what it will take to rearrange
Til then go on hunkered down and scared
Praying by miracle my freedom will be spared
I know I am good deep in my soul
But know better people who end up on parole
For now ******* may have the upper hand
It’s time to finally take a stand
We are strong enough
To succeed if we unite
We can make a difference
Push for what’s right
No matter who you are
Black or white
Put our differences aside
Give our all and fight

Honestly we probably can’t fix this
But there’s a chance we might
I hate cops more and more every day. I have literally lost everything I own for a second time because of them. And I may not be 100 percent guilt free but I know my rights were definitely violated while this happened. *******...
Oct 11 · 109
Fuck Up Flowers
Amanda Oct 11
You brought me flowers
Was honestly surprised
Certainly were beautiful
Betrayal cleverly disguised

I awoke without you there
Note explaining where you went
When you came home with a big bouquet
Knew exactly what that meant

That in the hours you were away
Had done something I’d disapprove
Suspicions were confirmed by that gesture
I had no way to prove

Sifted through your phone of course
You’re good at covering tracks
Had plans to meet up with some girl
Was told to chill and relax

That you did not actually follow through
Stopped to drop off some dope
Her and a couple of other people
Reason for me to mope

It was other errands you ran
Took so long
You swear
Don’t know if you expect me to believe
Or you just don’t care

You thought you were sneaky and smart
Bringing somebody along
Because if you had a chaperone
Could you have done anything wrong?

Which would have worked eons ago
I’m catching on to your tricks
Hard as I try to tear down your walls
You’re faster stacking bricks

I ask from you the truth
Though i give more in return
By now should be used to the sadness
My stupid heart refuses to learn

I keep asking what’s wanted from me
Thinking I’m not worthy of a reply
Maybe you don’t know the answer
Either way I am left asking why

Why can’t you stop slipping away?
Out of hands and into the air
All we’ve been through
Ups and downs
Now do you not want me there?

I am hoping this is just a phase
Patient I force myself to be
You get it out of your system
Like you when waiting for me

I have made poor choices in the past
Forgive me but can’t forget
Tried to move forward and start over
I can tell it still makes you upset

I suspect that is justification
Smashing my heart to pieces
I hate myself for all that I am
Your attraction decreases

I do not know when feelings shifted
It’s clear yours aren’t the same
Maybe til now you were pretending
Whole relationship simply a game

My head beyond damaged
Stories that don’t make sense
I am going crazy
Issues seem so immense

I am easily manipulated
By your hand
Into different shapes
I can no longer stand

You are my biggest weakness
Temptation I can’t resist
I can’t have you for my own
Should I even exist?

I should thank you for your presence
You come home to me each night
As you spend days with other women
I fear you can’t stand my sight

I wish I could trust like before
You won’t give deceit a rest
See through your veil of loyalty
Know better than protest

I wonder
Did you get her a present?
If the floral arrangement was just for me
May not be fair to hate her
Probably shares my agony

Except has the worse half of the deal
I get most of your heart
Rest is scattered in pieces
Others have a tiny part

They should have common decency
Respect the commitment we share
Since it clearly doesn’t matter to you
Why would they bother to ******* care?

I am aware I am a lucky girl
Call you my best friend
If you no longer picture a future together
Don’t prolong the end

I do not know how to change this
To make you happy once more
Hold the flood of tears inside
The second you walk out the door

Then waterfalls gush out of eyes
Rivers of snot flow from nose
Have no interest in hearing my sorrows
I won’t burden you with my woes

I try maintaining composure
You are near
Should be able to sense my emotions
Not as stable as they appear

But you are constantly distracted
Consistently divided
I pour my all into a relationship
Grows more and more one-sided

Even if you stop buying presents
Come back to the house less and less
I will remain devoted and true
Never fixing this mess

Roses the closest I will get
Any sort of apology
Someday you won’t buy me flowers
You’ll only need to be with me
Why is it the only time you act romantic is when you ****  me off???
Oct 11 · 104
Best By Far
Amanda Oct 11
Of the good things I’ve known in my life
Best by far is you
You are thinking about leaving
Tell what you want me to do

I will straighten up my act
Stop ******* as much
Long as it means you’ll reserve
For me your touch

I miss sleeping with you
Nightly in our bed
I wasn’t harassed by crazy thoughts
In my head

Things will not ever be perfect
Despite how hard they get
Will always try to work it out
Please don’t give up on us yet
I hate this ****
Oct 11 · 106
Ride Or Die
Amanda Oct 11
I thought you were my ride or die
Now I sit here asking why
Why do you not love me the way I love you?
Your feelings changing
Can’t mine change too?
I wish I did not care so it wouldn’t hurt this much
Run further away the tighter I clutch
I wish we were still same two people who fell head over heels
Watched as we changed
I hate how this feels
I told you my secrets and my biggest fears
In return you remained by my side throughout the years
You have made life better than I ever expected
Tried my best to keep you from feeling neglected
I know not the easiest person to be around
You’re there each time I need help up off the ground
I promise will never stop fighting for what we’ve got
A reason you overtake each and every thought
Are you lying?
You say you’re still in love with me
There’s someone else who with you'd rather be
When saying “always” I meant you’d always have my heart
Guess when you said it you meant I’d always have a part
But that piece I will cherish and save
Carry til I’m resting in my grave
I thought I would be your ride or die until the very end
Guess that to you our relationship is dead
I’ll always be your ride or die baby
Oct 10 · 72
Back To Me
Amanda Oct 10
I did not think this day would come
The love in your eyes fades away
Would do anything to fix us
To make you stay

I wonder what you are thinking about
How you actually feel about me
I want the most to know the truth
Parts you don't let me see

I am not sure what's real or not
You are so good at telling lies
Pointless yet I am determined
To break your disguise

I love you unconditionally
Always and forever will
If you no longer feel the same
Why continue to say you do still?

If it's because you are scared of being alone
Can tell you right now you'll be fine
Many girls are just waiting for their chance
The moment you are no longer mine

And you deserve the best
The happiness you desire
Should have known that eventually
Of my foolishness you'd tire

You do more than I could ever deserve
From the start I knew
You were far too good for me
Was lucky just to be with you

I know good things never last
So I do not know why I'm surprised
Guess I was naive to believe
Feelings would never be compromised

Our love for eachother so strong
Was all I could be sure about
Despite ****** up things we endured
Connection remained free from doubt

We went through worst together
Lived to experience the best
It wasn't always easy
Relationship passed each test

Now out of nowhere **** starts to change
No reason I can find
Are you growing apart from me?
Scared I'll be left behind

I am desperate for a solution
Be what you need once more
It seems like you're ready to end it
Halfway out the front door

I love more than I ever have
The harder I try the more we fight
Can tell you're getting sick of me
I can't stop holding you tight

I wish I could behave more like her
Down to have fun
Used to have such good times together
Seems like those days are done

Stressed under heavy pressure
Both work to lift the weight
Do my best to lighten the load
My worry makes it inflate

She may not nag
***** at you
I bet if you put her in my place
Years of games and illusions
Would not be as eager to replace

History between us hard
It's filled with so much hurt
I understand why it's nice to escape
Hang out with her and flirt

But you do not know eachother well
Hasn't seen your darker side
I'm sure she has her fair share as well
Secrets and flaws kept inside

You know inside and out
My absolute worst
Can be a lot to handle at times
I will never quit putting you first

I support whatever you pick
You want a break to see how it goes
However long you need
Trying people like shoes or clothes

I do not want anyone else
For your sake I will pretend
Don't want concern to hold you back
You are scared my heart won't mend

I deserve to be permanently broken
All the mistakes I have made
Perhaps the suffering would be gone
If only then I would have stayed

I will forever call you my soulmate
If you leave and never return
No one else could ever replace
Your touch I'll always yearn

Hopefully find your way back to my arms
The happiness you couldn't find with me
Even if I give somebody else my heart
You will always have the key
If it's me
That you don't need
Then when your eyes light up the sky tonight I know you're gonna find your way back to me
Oct 7 · 167
Questions (Part 12)
Amanda Oct 7
Am I not deserving the truth?
Know how you actually feel?
Are you so desperate to hide from me?
Begging you to be real

Who are you underneath lies?
Best friend or simply a fraud?
Play such a convincing part
Tempted to applaud

Where you go without me
You leave me here alone
Is it so ******* difficult
Answering your ringing phone?

When did you start losing interest?
Was it there in the first place?
Was our relationship only a distraction?
Grew to take up too much space

What changed us into someone else?
Love used to be deep and so strong
Asked the question a million times
You refuse to tell me what I'm doing wrong

Why must you play games with my emotions?
Trust you break like a toy
Say one thing then do another
You're like every other boy

If you want
See other people
Why bother telling me you don't?
What good does getting my hopes up do?
Promising to do things you won't

Am I ugly?
Do I get on your nerves?
What is driving away?
Not too late to turn this around
Do you want me to stay?

How can you love yet rip my chest open?
Silence and the absence of your touch
Back and forth puzzle is driving me crazy
Can I stop loving you so much?
Haven't written a part to this series in quite some time.
Oct 7 · 75
Holding Us Down
Amanda Oct 7
I want to see you smile
No matter what that takes
Understand if we can't fix our love
I've made too many mistakes

I desperately wish to go backwards in time
Do things the right way instead
In the moment we never can be sure
The future waiting ahead

I would not hurt you on purpose
No intention to cause you pain
If able to warn my younger self I would
Heart would never wear that stain

When we started I was immature
Had a lot of growing up to do
Nobody had meant as much
None could ever matter like you

I do not understand how I got so lucky
Fell into my lap
Found everything I was looking for
Without any compass or map

How we stumbled upon such treasure
Most spend whole lives without
We beat the odds and circumstances
What others only dream about

These days sense feelings slipping
Through fingers bit by bit
Try to catch the pieces as they fall
Scramble as ground they hit

Hands cannot hold the weight we carry
Full of old resentment
Wonder if we were brave and let go
Our lives would one day be content

Attached at hips from the get-go
In sync
It didn't seem real
Disbelief that an angel like you
Shared the same attraction I feel

In love
Free of worry
The first time in my life
Made me want to be a better person
You'd be proud to call your wife

Then lost sight of our initial goals
Touch with reality
First steps toward the end were taken
Sets of eyes too blind to see

It began to disintegrate
We were weak and unable to change
The happy ending envisioned
Moved out of range

Now it is a constant struggle
Getting over past distress
Clings to every passing moment
Pre-existing stress

And I am doing my best to help
Problems keep stacking up
Efforts no longer impress you
Did they stop being enough?

My attempts to you disappointing
Rekindle the spark we once had
Demeanor remains indifferent
Whether I am angry
Or sad

Let go I'm afraid I must
If I even can
Without you have no purpose
Safety net or back-up plan

Cause it is obvious you are all I want
After all these years
A reason I'm still holding on tight
You are worth unanswered questions and tears

We are on two different pages it seems
I'm the last to know
It's my turn to bathe in rejection
To watch you go

That misery has circled back around
Drowning relentless regret
Torturing mind nightly
I'd still never choose to forget

Though things are different now
Moments shared will stay the same
Heart is yours to own forever
Regardless who owns your last name

Perhaps our roads will cross
Present ******* is left behind
Separate definitions of success
Magically realign

Cause I am sick of waiting for nothing
Been awhile since you showed you care
To get used to your neglect is tough
Be grateful just having you there

You consume every thought
Obsessing words you say
Coded meanings
In vague clues thrown my way

Mind when I am stuck stabbing my skin
You've been there before
Swear I'd throw all my points in the trash
You'd not talk to other girls anymore

I don't know what to do
Become the only one you need
It's too late for that
Your soul is ready to be freed

I miss you when you're home
Your focus is miles away
Not flirting with some pretty girl
Business gets in the way

But have to accept what little you give
No matter how it kills me inside
Refuse to compromise or cooperate
Truth you're determined to stubbornly hide

To say goodbye completely destroys me
Bring to life my greatest fear
What's the point of holding us down?
I'm not even wanted here
I sit here every day by myself trying to hold us down and be your rock but i feel like im just holding you back
Oct 4 · 72
Walking In Circles
Amanda Oct 4
I did not mean to make mistakes
Feel defeated at each turn
Getting weighed down by missed opportunities
Heaviest those which will not return
Thinking back to simpler times
I miss smiles we couldn't control
Wishing it could be that easy again
But it's hard when we are not quite whole
Each day weakens my tired shoulders
Vision clouded by permanent haze
Walking in circles
Bones aching with fear
Just trying to get out of this maze
How are you guys doing?
Amanda Sep 21
Take rare moments here
Keep perfection protected
Memories stay safe
Sep 21 · 676
The God I Knew
Amanda Sep 21
When God abandoned me I thought
That at first he must not have cared
But after enduring a world of pain
I realized he was never there
Its crazy how much i used to believe in Christianity compared to how completely opposite i feel now
Sep 20 · 448
Amanda Sep 20
After the doomsday
Our relationship
Wasn't much left

My heart turned into a barren wasteland
No signs of life

Zero survivors

All feelings that used to flood my body had fallen victim to the slow disease poisoning my flesh called heartbreak

There was a deadly epidemic
No emotion was spared
Widespread and timely demise
From the word "goodbye"

Now living through each day is torture

Within a huge desert landscape I roam
To find a way to repopulate my soul with happiness again

The apocalypse ended up being a real *****
Sep 19 · 344
Ruined (Haiku)
Amanda Sep 19
Ruined what was left
Lies and lust made me lose you
Heart broken again
About the worst mistake I have ever made
Sep 19 · 131
Halfway To Hell
Amanda Sep 19
Totally submerged in an ocean of fear
I lay my heart on the line
Those three little words I am desperate to hear
I feel like you're no longer mine

Shallow breath razor sharp in my throat
Puddles of tears soak the floor
In a flood of pain and I can't float
So I drown until I wash ashore

Halfway to Hell
No way to turn back
So we stop right where we are
Have no idea how we got so off track
I just know that distance is too far
You are my heaven but lately you have made my life a living hell
Sep 16 · 98
Tide And True
Amanda Sep 16
Alone on a chilly night in September
Lost emotions still vividly remember
Sands of time erase happier days
Wondering why so little good stays

When I don't hear from you I stress
Inner storm only tamed by your caress
The weather lately has taken a turn
For the cold my heart holds will always return

Where my footprints fade and yours begin
Moments eternity seems suspended in
With another call straight to voicemail goes
Saltwater teardrops I fight like foes

At war with my own weakness and doubt
Puzzles and riddles I can't figure out
Shadows overtake our souls with shame
Empty and vacant
Demons steal our names

When you disappear I am left neglected
To forgive you comes easier than expected
The tide pulls you out and washes back ashore
Each time I wonder what you even leave me for?
I hate when you dont answer because I dont know if you are with some other girl or dead or what.. sigh.
Sep 12 · 173
Set You Free
Amanda Sep 12
Why am I never enough for you?
I try as hard as I can
Maybe it's my fault for thinking
You could be a different man

Everybody makes mistakes
That's what forgiveness is for
But the whole point of saying sorry
Is to not do it anymore

I know I hurt you in the past
So this pain is what I deserve
But how many times must you break my heart
Til my punishment is served?

I can't take the fear and stress
Inflating my insecurity
The worst part is you won't explain
What exactly is so wrong with me

What makes her worthy of your time
When we barely have any to spare?
How can you give her your attention
While I beg you just to be there?

Just when I start to trust you again
You prove it's all a lie
Acting like I am overdramatic
When your treason makes me cry

How would you feel if you read my texts
And it was other guys that I missed?
I'm pretty sure you would be scared
That we ****** or maybe kissed

What gives these girls a reason
To call you "love" and "babe?
Are they just misunderstanding?
Or are feelings taking shape?

I show the depths of my devotion
Treat you with acceptance and respect
Yet in return dishonesty
Is what I've come to expect

By now I've realized things won't change
You always convince me otherwise
And stop your games just long enough
For the next one to take me by surprise

Whether it's my fault for cheating
Or yours for not letting go
Bottling up emotions will never
Move us forward or help to grow

If it's revenge you're seeking
Do us both a favor
Get it over with already
And end this bad behavior

There is no justifiable excuse
For talking to others this way
After I clearly express disapproval
Behind my back you disobey

I would rather be even than live like this
One flirtation after the next
Never sure if you are where you say
Suspicious of each text

Tell me how to fix this mess
Mend wounds once and for all
I long for the intimacy we once shared
Before regret erected high walls

I'm sorry for what I've done in the past
But two wrongs don't make a right
I'm willing to keep giving everything I have
Just prove that it's worth the fight

If you have truly found a spark in her
That no longer exists within me
My selfish arms will not hold you back
I love you enough to set you free
Ugh I hate how jealousy festers in my intestines and burns my insides slow
Amanda Sep 12
I would tell me a joke but don't think I can laugh
Do not wanna waste a punchline
Open my mouth and hear my voice
The words spoken aren't mine
Syllables beyond recognition
Fail to accurately recite
The sentences arranged within
Speech not coming out right
Overlapping ideas in my brain
Equal a blurry picture
I guess depression plus memory loss
Makes for a terrible mixture
They don't mix well
Sep 12 · 173
Amanda Sep 12
I met someone who restored faith in humanity
Only for a little while

Very kind

The kind of person idolized

While at the lowest point
My life
Reached down from a high point in his and helped me climb up a few notches
I think maybe I was only dreaming though because now I see you are on the same level as me and probably have been the whole time
Sep 12 · 210
Anyone Who Asks
Amanda Sep 12
I do not want to be alone
Where I struggle on my own
Saying I am okay to anyone who asks
Looking down so no one sees past my mask
Not like anyone actually cares anyways
Amanda Sep 12
I never listen
Never remember details
I am never there
I try to be but it feels like I am never enough
Sep 6 · 107
Wishes Don't Come True
Amanda Sep 6
I wish for things to get better
But wishes don't come true
Birthday candles
Shooting stars
I've tried them all

Upon a friend I wished one day that they would never leave
Yet I look around me presently and that friend is nowhere to be found

If only to escape my disappointment I have boycotted wishing altogether

I do not put faith in people
Or objects anymore

Instead if wanting something
I go out there and make it happen myself
I used to wish on 11:11 every night I even had an alarm set for it but those days are forever gone
Sep 3 · 206
Amanda Sep 3
He is taking his chances
Wasted his life chasing a buzz
For years the only things that mattered
Were money, power and drugs

He kept running after the high
Gotten from clout and respect
Phone blowing up 24/7
Altered by success

And he can't imagine a life
Other than fast and fun
No matter how far he goes
The distance is never enough

So he falls and spirals down
To the bottom he heavily crashes
And he struggles to climb out of the hole
As his body crumbles like ashes
I seldom write it the third person but just felt like doing something different
Sep 1 · 95
Amanda Sep 1
Oceans and rivers of tears I have cried
I am the siren of my sorrow
Swimming deftly through my pride
No smiles to own or borrow

Where salt and sin settle deeply in
Old wounds reopened sting
Sharp reminders on my skin
Of what hurricanes will bring

Hollow bones
No feet to stand
Yet lacking feathers to fly
Not searching for shore or sand
Instead I seek the distant sky

The air above seldom touches my face
Except for in my sleepy head
And in my dreams I see no trace
Of monsters inhabiting my bed
Obviously the title is referring to The Little Mermaid"

Ah I love Disney
Aug 29 · 117
Amanda Aug 29
Our energies peaked in perfect synchronization
The ultimate pinnacle of all elation
Nothing in this world has a flavor as sweet
As your sensual lips when our mouths gently meet
Something a brain can't neatly put into a box and hide
Futile analyzation of the tangled emotions kept inside
What is the origin of longing I fail to repress?
Desire too powerful to accurately express
Confident your heart holds identical emotion
Bound to each other by endless devotion
Like the moon and the sun we set and we rise
Take turns being the light in each others skies
I look at your face and my breath is taken
Right out of my chest
I let you break-in
Nobody else on Earth could unlock the door
Though many have tried to find the key before
You were the first to successfully step inside my soul
And the last
Because you have finally made me whole
For my soulmate
Aug 20 · 82
Best Friends For Never
Amanda Aug 20
It wasn't that long ago
At least it feels that way
Though three years have passed
It seems like yesterday

We haven't exchanged words since then
Though I yearn to once in awhile
I wonder if you are happy now
It was rare to see you smile

You would always put up a fuss
Whether the issue was big or small
Mood would spike then drop back down
Like a game of volleyball

Laughter was a hidden treasure
Seldom heard from your direction
Your negativity would fester and grow
Then spread like an infection

I tired of your constant critique
Hearing you consistently curse
Instead of taking responsibility
Blamed your problems on the universe

Honestly it was ******* my heart
Difficult to be your friend
Some of your words sliced me deep
Leaving wounds that still won't mend

I tried to understand your motive
But your walls are made of concrete
After countless attempts to scale their heights
I finally admitted defeat

A little part of me is ashamed
That my efforts were not enough
But it was your choice to shut the world out
Pride forcing you to act tough

I didn't know how to help you
So I ended up giving you space
Sure that our friendship was sacred
A bond you could not replace

You covered up your true feelings
With silent eyes cast toward the ground
Kept your judgement a secret
Even when (in need) you came around

If you cared you would have shared concern
Talked to me one-on-one
Yet you waited until the right moment
To rip me open in front of everyone

You intentionally caused me harm
Tried to make me look bad
Out of nowhere trashed my name
With no reason to be had

That was where I drew the line
Blocked your facebook account
After apologizing first
More times than I can count

Finished being the better person
Taking blows to my pride
Convincing myself that you were worth it
Actually different inside

If I mattered to you at all
You would have confessed you were wrong
But you never have and you never will
I had put up with your **** far too long

Although I miss your presence
Those nights I cannot sleep
Your selfishness drove me away
So for you I dare not weep

You were my best friend forever
But forever ended too fast
Now the only love between us
Is love shared in the past
My ex bestie hit me up yesterday... i have mixed feelings about reconnecting. Especially since she never said sorry for what she did to **** our friendship up
Aug 14 · 306
Life's A Beach
Amanda Aug 14
Upon this shore my unsure feet stand
Slowly sinking into soft sand
Seashells shine as they catch sunlight
And drifted wood is washed all but white

Seagulls swoop from skies and soar
Birds and prey at a natural war
The sunrise glow fades
Air grows hot
In warm display beach is caught

Illuminates the sea below
From surface to undertow
A gentle ocean breeze waltzes by
As if the water breathes with a sigh

Enhancing sunbeams that darken my skin
Tranquility I am soaking in
This morning view so peaceful and bright
Where all is well within my sight

How many summer days remaining to waste?
When snow arrives I'll miss the taste
Of saltwater bitter on my tongue
The cool sensation filling my lungs

Upon this shore I memorize
The horizon distant from my eyes
The light outside fights the darkness within
And my cares float out as the tide rolls in
And I'm just trying to surf the waves
Aug 11 · 363
The Root Of Fear
Amanda Aug 11
Pretending to be angry
Is not the hard part
It is feeling like I
Do not know your heart

The worst part is listening
To the voice that lied to me
Whisper apologies in the dark
Words sweet as potpourri

Close your mind to truth
Make it hard for us
To find any balance
Even harder to trust

In your eyes the line between
Wrong and right is not clear
And that my love is truly
The sole root of all my fear
Another oldie but tbh can still relate
Aug 10 · 117
Amanda Aug 10
Bury who I was
Down beneath the dirt
Laying rest to lost innocence I will never get back

Begin the funeral procession
Pay respects to another naive heart
Poet who felt too much
One dreamer who still believed true love existed

Close the casket
Lower me in
Girl I used to be is gone
Below six feet of mistrust and betrayal

She died the moment you left
Written 8-18-15
Aug 9 · 125
Fail Or Fly
Amanda Aug 9
A life without love is not life at all
Do not be scared to let yourself fall
Though it will hurt if you crash to the ground
Happiness is worth the risk I've found
Be brave and jump though hearts are at stake
Not run and hide in fear they may break
Often we end up spiraling down from the sky
But you never know just when your turn will come to fly
It may take a lot of chances but eventually the one you've been waiting for will come along... or maybe it already has.
Aug 1 · 170
Constantly Crouching
Amanda Aug 1
I do not want to argue anymore
Show me the way to the door
I would rather slum it surfing couch to couch
Than hide from life as I slack and slouch
Look down upon from your self-righteous horse
Insults hurled til your voice is hoarse
And "wouldn't you feel bad if I died?"
As if unaware of how I feel inside
I hate living with constant fear and anxiety. I honesty do not know how to refrain from taking it out on other people. Especially those close to me, such as my mother.
Jul 27 · 158
Amanda Jul 27
I was remembering when we were new
Love was an uncharted land
Our time was spent navigating
Mapping bodies with both hands

And tough times built us mountains
To ensure we would grow strong
Standing solid through the struggle
You were my rock when things went wrong

All the lovely sleepless nights
Spent texting thoughts and fears
Were the beginning of our voyage
We were unwitting pioneers

Although the departure was scary
I knew I had no choice but to start
Despite the danger and risk of failure
Instincts said 'follow your heart'

So we decided to set sail together
Though neither had yet steered a ship
Our commitment and passion kept us above waves
The duration of our trip

When the water turned rough and choppy
We almost began to sink
On the paper used to draw our course
Temporarily ran out of ink

It was you who saved me from drowning
When I foolishly jumped off the boat
Abandoned our vessel in fear of shipwreck
With one oar you made us float

Forgiveness forged a way to shore
Filled the pen with tears and blood
So we could continue cartography
From the place the picture smudged

We have come a great distance since that day
But still have a lot left to explore
Though the diagram of our hearts is complete
Life is still showing us more

Thick woods
Green fields
Dry deserts of sand
Our feelings guide us through it all
Our graph gets larger as time passes
And harder for you I fall

The route we travelled was complex
There were easier by far
But the difficult terrain molded us
Into the people we now are

Our direction was not influenced
But entirely our own
I'd rather our tumultuous journey
Than a simple one alone

Because you are my final destination
No matter where our path may lead
Location is irrelevant
When your arms are the only home I need

I never knew our relationship
Would be the atlas discovered
But I hope you realize I'm grateful
For each millimeter uncovered

I can't explain the overwhelming attraction
The magnetism connecting us two
But from the moment we met one thing was certain
My soul's compass pointed straight to you
This one was quite the challenge. Even had to bust out the old thesaurus.. hence the word "cartography" haha
Jul 22 · 209
Amanda Jul 22
If I could fly to some other place
That's exactly what I'd do
Go far from here and never turn back
As long as you came with too
My shoulder blades would sprout two wings
I'd let go of excess weight
Be light enough to be carried by
Air that makes my lungs inflate
The clouds would hold me gently
Arms as white as snow
So high over the crowded earth
I'd forget about the pain below
Floating like a feather free
No gravity to lower my heels
I'd sacrifice **** near anything
To experience how liberty feels
Yet this dream will not come true one day
My body anchored to the ground
The flight I desire desperately
Is an escape that will never be found
Because I know I am no angel
Heaven is not my home
My soul is polluted with darkness
The skies are not where demons roam
I cannot rise off my knees
Nevermind rising way above
But you lift my spirits a little bit more
Each time you share your love
I feel like I am levitating when you are next to me
Jul 21 · 243
Amanda Jul 21
Sometimes wish I was normal but what does that even mean?
Nobody privately is as normal as they seem
Some of us hide behind a false veil of protection
Others wear mistakes as armor for protection
I own what I have done so no one can give me ****
Impossible to understand if they haven't lived through it
Everyone struggles
We all feel pain
I never judge those whose choices aren't the same
I hope I grow to find happiness once more
Along with freedom I harbored before
How long until efforts prevail?
Progressing at a pace slower than a snail
I hate myself because I am weak
Expectations way too high to meet
Falling centimeters short of each goal
Cannot fall asleep but can fall into these holes
Every time I strive it's in vain
Can hear the taunts of success i can't attain
I love seeing people smile
Maybe some joy will rub off as they pass
I hate being the way I am
Jul 19 · 181
How To Smile
Amanda Jul 19
I am sorry that I am a hopeless mess
Waste of space
Broken at best
Words my comfort when taken by fear
Times I can't face who's waiting in the mirror
I want pain to end so I can be free
The overwhelming misery
I try to pause
Breathe deep and slow
Anxiety will not let me go
And I want to change
Be happy once more
I'll never get back the life I had before
Just make the world disappear for awhile
Then maybe I'd remember how to smile
It's been so long I think I've forgotten how it feels to laugh
Amanda Jul 16
Some nights I lie awake in bed yearning to forget
Running into walls plastered with pictures of regret
I've lost all sense of direction
Wandering a mental maze
Roaming in circles
Dark foggy daze
When I let the demons guide
The road turns rough and winded
But how else do I navigate
When my own eyes are blinded?
Just some thoughts
Jul 13 · 182
Amanda Jul 13
You were my knight
Shining armor
Chess board was our home
Queen's fondness you garnered
A kiss sweeter than honeycomb
Life is not a game but it's full of players  (and pawns)
Jul 12 · 277
Is He Happy? (Haiku)
Amanda Jul 12
Happier without
Probably laughing alone
But maybe he's not
You could be happy without me there but im not there so how would I know
Jul 9 · 229
Amanda Jul 9
I truthfully want to be close to you
A real friend who you talk to each day
Somehow fights erupt over nothing
Arguing gets in the way

You just want me to be healthy
And normal like you think you are
But I can see you're clearly not
Weakness visible from afar

Another year quickly passes by
Hung up on past mistakes
Old offenses should be forgiven
You don't have the strength it takes

I just want a clean slate in your eyes
A second chance to impress
But you can't peel off your predetermined labels
Convinced I'm incapable of progress

It is difficult to face the truth
Your pride I will never earn
So I may as well give up trying
To my bad habits reluctantly return

I accept you just as you are
Favorite pain-in-the-***
Thought we hated each other as kids
Was wrong to conclude so fast

Nothing can replace family
Though at times you drive me mad
We've always had each other for support
That's a lot more than some others had

You think you know what is best for me
Preaching about my decisions
I wish you could see you don't have all the answers
Put an end to derision

Someone needs to show you
How to make a change in the way
You brutally express your thoughts
Or I'll keep walking away

You are not as perfect as you believe
There's no difference between you and I
How can you stand there intoxicated
Lecturing me not to get high?

I yearn to share intimate details
Hidden deep in my brain
Halted by your lack of empathy
You wouldn't understand my pain

You insist on criticizing me
Each time you come around
Maybe you should fix a few things in your own life
Before you choose to put mine down
Another one about my well-meaning ******* brother
Jul 9 · 253
Amanda Jul 9
In case I have not said it enough
I love you and need you to know
I'm always here for you brother
A fact I don't always show

Just give your sis a chance to improve
Try opening your critical mind
Instead of putting my problems on display
Like laundry strung on a clothesline

Two siblings turned out so different
Close in age yet still grew apart somehow
But realize we're not as different as we think
Comparing both lives then and now

Sometimes wish we'd see eye-to-eye
Walking down a separate road
Shadows darker than yours it seems
My company you've all but outgrown

I remember you'd pick on me
Because I was younger and smaller
You still bully me around these days
Only change is that I'm a bit taller

I am not the little girl you're used to
I often behave that way
When I get mad or frustrated
Emotions too large to convey

It is hard to say what I really mean
Words come out sounding insincere
If I loved you like I swear I do
Wouldn't even be standing here

Believe me when I say this much
You are my favorite brother by far
It doesn't matter that you're my only
Because I am so lucky you are

It must be special
The bond we share
Our hearts through distance connected
The hurtful comments hurled my way
Were concerns you misdirected

We were born
Bound by blood
Pact we unknowingly made at birth
If we both strive to excel and succeed
We can show everyone what we're worth

I will try harder
Text and call you
Make it a choice instead of a chore
Wish I didn't take family for granted
Because you definitely deserve more
To my older brother Michael
Amanda Jul 9
Use caution! Work zone!
Active poem in progress
Under construction
Wear helmets on site please or should I say on "cite" bahahahaha
Jul 5 · 173
Father's Day Poem
Amanda Jul 5
The years keep flying too fast
They are faster than hands can catch
Move as quick as I possibly can
For time I am no match
So many moments I cannot get back
Wasted youth's foolish haste
Now that I am older I'm realizing
Memories cannot be returned or replaced
From now on will cherish every second
Spent together happy or mad
Life is too short to be ungrateful
You're my one and only dad
Happy daddy day to the only dad I'll ever have
Jun 29 · 413
For Paul
Amanda Jun 29
I wanna let you know
You are the only guy for me
I leave
It hurts me so
With you wish I could always be
The hardest part
Letting go
I have to say goodbye
Though I try to force time to slow
Keeps on passing by
Thank you for EVERYTHING! I love you. Xoxo.
Jun 28 · 361
Nighttime Nostalgia
Amanda Jun 28
Last night my eyes were opened
Now I see where we truly are
I knew we weren't close to the finish line
But had no clue exactly how far

Gazing up at the heavens
At the stars and the moon in the sky
They felt more reachable than you
I have to wonder why

I whispered goodnight in a voice soft as mud
As the sun's rays began to peek
Over the horizon like the pink of a blush
Warming a rose-tinted cheek

I recalled a time of simple pleasures
The days when your body was new
Love was a strange grand adventure
And smiles were all our mouths knew

You called me beautiful every day
The words escaped like you had no choice
And although you still say it often
Sincerity is stripped from your voice

We have managed to hold on tight enough
To each others hands through the years
Despite time changing us around
To stand side by side today here

I wish we could travel back to the start
So many mistakes I'd undo
But the one thing I could never alter
Is the fact that I met you
Just reflecting on the differences in our relationship then and now
Amanda Jun 20
So many questions running through my head
The most pressing of all is "why?"
Why am I not good enough for you?
Why do I even try?

Why do you do this again and again
Like you're programmed to lie and cheat?
Our relationship is a broken record
Stuck playing on repeat

Over and over you promise to stop
How many "last times" does it take?
At some point we have to admit to ourselves
It's no longer a mistake

There's a reason you are drawn astray
I don't know what it is you see
In her that's so **** special
But cannot find in me

You never can explain the pull
Say your stupidity is to blame
That I am perfect just the way I am
So I'm left exactly the same

Then come the apologies
Sounding sincere but they're not
You aren't sorry for ******* up
You're sorry you got caught

The truth is if you meant what you said
We wouldn't be in this place
You wouldn't be able to stand the hurt
Splattered all over my face

Is this revenge for all I've done
To wrong you in the past?
You've never revealed your motive to me
Despite the numerous times I've asked

Clearly something is off-balance
Because no matter what I do
You seek attention from everyone else
While I only get it from you

If you don't want to be exclusive say so
I won't pretend like I wouldn't care
You are the only person I'll ever desire
But at least that way it'd be fair

Right now you get all of my heart
I save all my love for only you
Believing the rules apply to us both
That you give all to me too

But you're spreading yourself around
Handing pieces out one by one
Mind at ease because you know for sure
I am sharing none

It seems like you do it because you can
No matter how bad I forgive
But being a pawn in your sick game of chess
Is not a proper way to live

We are too old to be playing games
I thought you were ready to settle down
But maybe you're just settling the score
By turning my world upside-down

I wish you'd just be honest
Understanding is what I most crave
But I fear your secrets and reasons
Will be carried with you to your grave

So what am I supposed to do?
Put up with this ******* forever?
I want so badly for you to grow up
But I'm starting to see you will never

Yet no one else could ever compare
You are my soulmate
My best friend
So I refuse to turn my back on us
I'm gonna see it through til the end

Take some time to work through your emotions
Decide if you feel the same way
If you don't then the door is waiting
No one is forcing you to stay

If I am the one you want to marry
Start treating me as such
Quit flirting with meaningless women
I don't think I'm asking too much

Whatever I am missing now
Tell me so I can at least try
To be everything you want and need
So I can shut your wandering eye

If you want to fix this let me know
And I'll do everything I can
To get us back to the happiness we held
When we first began

If you choose to keep messing around
It is only a matter of time before I fall
Are you ready for a life with just us two?
Or do you want one without me at all?
I am so sick of seeing this kind of **** from you and then you expecting me not to be insecure and expect me to trust you. Why can't you just be real with me and tell me I am not as important to you as you are to me instead of leading me on? It isn't fair...
Jun 19 · 174
At Rope's End
Amanda Jun 19
They say at the end of your rope to tie a knot and hold on

There is light touching the horizon

But what do you do when your grip slowly slips loose?

When insides of your palms are lubricated with sweat

And the crevasse below darker than a black hole

So much that it threatens to rise up and with one tug take you spiralling downwards to swallow you whole

So instead of making a knot at the bottom of your fraying rope you may as well tie a noose instead
The whole poem was really just written as buildup to the last line
Jun 19 · 173
If Love Was Easy (Haiku)
Amanda Jun 19
If love was not hard
It would not be rewarding
Trophies must be earned
It wouldn't be a prize if anyone could win it
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