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4h · 27
Why Am I Crying?
Amanda 4h
I do not know why I am crying
Why I feel like dying
There is no reason for these tears
One after the next appears
Though you have said nothing wrong
I am feeling like I don't belong
Sitting here inside and alone
You do not mind that I'm on my own
It hurts although I do not know why
I'm not used the indifference in your eye
I suppose I am still surprised by the sting
Being treated as if I'm nothing
I finally believe I deserve the neglect
I mean after all I've done what did I expect?
Why would you want this wreck by your side?
If I were you my presence I would hide
So I am attempting to fufill the space you crave
Hoping our relationship distance will save
With every passing minute it's harder to sit still
Wondering if our animosity has grown too large to ****
If you truly don't want me around
I'll stay far away where I won't be found
I do not blame you for becoming tired
Of the company you once desired
If we are both better off with me gone
Be happier without me from now forever on
I am leaving tomorrow and soon you'll be free
From the stress, confusion, and negativity
No longer will you have to watch me through the night
Scared for my safety after the worst fights
No more unprovoked feelings of jealousy
No drama. No pain. No love. No me.
I have only myself to blame for expecting so much more than you can give
4h · 37
Heart Of Glass
Amanda 4h
My heart is made of delicate glass
Understand that it breaks easily
The tiniest obstacles in my path
Freeze my heartbeat temporarily

Other times it feels as if
It has not yet pumped blood at all
Like red waves building up dammed in
Cannot push through my scarred heart's wall

Sometimes it is so full it bursts
Overflowing love right out of my chest
But that bliss also means when it bleeds it hurts
Great joy comes with proportionate unhappiness
Yes I stole the title from Blondies #1 hit
4h · 34
Happy B-Day Mom!
Amanda 4h
I am sorry for the words I say
When feeling down and blue
I only shout that I hate your guts
When I see you hate mine too
I am sorry for taking for granted
The little things done each day
Making food to cheer me up
Asking twice if I am okay
I am sorry for hurting your feelings
With selfish careless actions
I do not realize how harmful I can be
Until I witness your pained reactions
I am sorry for making you worry
Not listening to your advice
Blaming your flawed genetics
For the reason I'm colder than ice
You deserve a much better daughter
Who takes time to care
Someone not only always honest
But who also wants you to share

Hopefully
We live to see
The day I once again make you proud
I strive to grow
And be what you always hoped
Somehow

Until
That day arrives I will
Keep giving you what I can
You will be there every
Step of the way accepting me
For the miserable mess I am
Once again trying to switch it up a bit
Amanda 5h
Why are you still playing games?
We are a bit old for that now
Is it possible you're still the same?
I would fix you but I don't know How

Crazy how we were once young
Thought the thrill would last forever
Dwelling on past moments and songs we sung
Not understanding why we aren't together

I feel you bend the rules
Every time I catch your tricks
You make of me a fool
Doing it just for kicks

Maybe there's a good reason
For your net of make-believe
Wondering if you get the severity of your treason
You sure don't understand what it means to grieve

You process sadness like a child
Do not say you want to die
Parts of our personalities have been defiled
But not those we try to deny

You are capable of playing fair
If you did I'd participate
Choose to keep cheating and see how you fare
Pretty sure you're aware of your fate

You had almost won not just the round
But the whole ******* game
Right before the victor was crowned
You were forced to resign with shame
Playing around here a little with metaphors
5h · 32
Smashed
Amanda 5h
Smash my heart
I smash yours
Break trust
I break yours too
Used up every ounce of my strength
I am the one using you

Nothing to you
Pieces far scattered
Hurt with words and the wounds open up
Ways I pushed you away run through my mind
The space you left feels as bare as an empty cup

Those photographs taken together
Others snapped by friends we know
Add up to over a hundred
Five years is awfully hard to let go

Hold your head straight
Not tilted down
Keep focused
Push through the pain
Freedom is only a week of **** away from you
Do you find pleasure in the problem?
Comfort in the chain?

Back when I was your girl
Eyes blinded by your charm
I allowed you to lie for so long
So hopelessly in love with you
My heart convinced you could do no wrong

I think it is safe to say
That although you broke my heart first
I left yours broken after
Between both of our misfortunate souls
You had it the worst
Trying something different
Amanda 3d
I wish I was not beneath you
Wish I was what you desired
I guess of my bad habits
You are becoming tired
I wish I still felt pretty
Like I once did long ago
I wish you would do what’s best for you
We both know that means letting me go
I wish I deserved your love
Wish I was better than I am
I wish I cared about my well-being
But I cannot seem to give a ****
I wish it did not hurt so bad
Seeing that look upon your face
You look down on me as if
I am nothing but a disgrace
It must be really nice to be
As great and smart as you
Do you remember though
I used to be like that too?
Over the years I’ve changed
Because of the drugs
Felt so much pain
I’m not who I was
I do not know how I’ve become
The monster you now see
You could never hate anything
As fiercely as I hate me
I wish I didn’t disgust you
Though you have every right
I understand the reason you scowl
When I am a ****** disturbing sight
I apologize for every hurtful word I say
And repelling thing I do
I wish that who I am
Was enough for you
Take me as I am or watch me as I go
Amanda 3d
Why do I continually ****** my happiness into other peoples arms when they can never hold the weight very long?

My entire world I gift without the slightest hesitation

To a person who never asked to bear my burden

Never wanted the responsibility of taking care of my heart

Of course the life dangling from their fingers isn’t important-

-It is not their obligation to fufill

Whenever you are near me next

I will ****** my smile right out of your clumsy hands

And take back the happiness you so shakily held

If it is not already too late...
Don’t put your happiness in other people’s hands. They’ll drop it, every single time.
4d · 78
Wake Up
Amanda 4d
I am asleep on the couch

Everything around me could collapse and I wouldn’t have a clue

It’s all roses and sunshine inside my weary head

Dreams are not honest and I don’t wish them to be

I am ready to wake up
Written 10-29-18
4d · 54
Lucky
Amanda 4d
I know I am lucky
To have someone like you
Who likes me even after
The **** I put you through
So why am I still unhappy?
You try so ******* hard
To break the walls of ice
Around this aching heart
I am perpetually grateful
For what you do each day
None of it is ever enough
To make my misery go away
What I long for above everything else
To make you laugh once more
Be the warm glow lighting up your life
Both of us feeling as good as before
But those carefree days are gone
Replaced by years of strife and pain
Now I’ll  never be your sunshine again
Instead I bring dark clouds pouring rain
My smile has badly broken
Like all our remaining trust
Here we are still putting
Together the pieces of us
Don’t think I don’t appreciate
The fact that you’re still here
Unfortunately your presence
Does not make my sadness disappear

You are perfect that’s plain to see
The problem is not you, but me
:(
4d · 68
The Real Me
Amanda 4d
I wish I was still the girl who stole your heart
When I would sing at the top of my lungs
Wish I laughed with the same authenticity
As when we were careless and young

We were happy wasting time together
Friendship as strong as steel
I attempted to show my gratitude
For the love you proved to be real

Lived in a magical stupor
Fueled by Mountain Dew and your caress
Over and over downplayed my desire
Infatuation I tried to suppress

Even after my parents disapproved
I loved every imperfection
You were too irresistible
I couldn’t help my affection

When my heart was taken I had no clue
Did not see how much I’d grown to care
Then you began slipping out of my control
Helpless, I was quickly running out of air

All I want is to love each other like that
You are willing to try once more
I can’t give myself completely
You need the person I was before

I am now a hologram of that lively girl
You can only see who I was
I am sure you’ll hate the real me
Fear you’ll see her soon enough
I feel like you are in love with who I used to be not who I am today
4d · 353
April 1st
Amanda 4d
Will you be my husband?
Be the handsome groom?
Can we walk the aisle right now?
Not someday “soon”?
Will you marry me today?
Make me a happy wife?
Promise me your lips to always kiss
Every day for the rest of your life?
It is a nice day for a proposal
Come on what do you say?
PSYCHE!!! I’m just joking
Happy April Fools Day!
Sorry I didn’t post this on the first
4d · 53
Sleepwatching
Amanda 4d
I stare while you peacefully sleep
Trying to peek inside your brain
It is the trust issues plaguing my thoughts
Driving me this insane

Why do I act crazy
Every time I get too close?
All I desire is a guarantee
That I am the one you want the most

You say you are happy with me
But something won’t let me believe
Hesitation in your smile
Betrays truth I long to receive

A confession would ease my worries
You show no honesty as evidence
To prove promises are accurate
Strengthen your defense

I wish every word you said was true
My heart would have relief
It’s hard so unsure I ponder
Your emotions as you sleep
Yes I sound like a stalker I know
4d · 75
My Addiction
Amanda 4d
You are my fatal addiction
Pulling me with lies
Every scorched moment ecstasy
I am captured by your piercing eyes

By those breathtaking blues
I sigh with a shake of my head
Wondering in my confused state
How did I get back here AGAIN?

For me the cycle never ends
Each time I dare to believe it will
I run back to the exact same thing
Which in the first place made me ill

I am fiending for your affection
Hungry for your supple lips
Craving thoughts stashed inside your head
Caught in your lethal grip
He really is my worst addiction
4d · 51
Pages
Amanda 4d
I think of past moments and how different I’ve become
Thinking of all that made me numb
I want you just like I did back then
Wherever you may be my arms are open
If it makes a difference to you
I’d just like to say I still love you too
I wish the world had not of come between
But good came from it; one of us got clean
I am not a sinner nor am I a saint
A falsified portrait I will not paint
You will see how much I’ve changed and grown
Pages of this life I own
I slip right through these paper years
As my innocence all but disappears
Ehh this one is alright but not very cohesive
5d · 86
Mazerunner
Amanda 5d
Another dark day I half-heartedly chase
I run and run but I’m stuck in place
I am starting to wonder if it’s all a waste
I am just a body taking up space
What is my purpose? What am am I doing here?
Would the world be bettered if I disappeared?
Time is racing but I do not care
I am squandering every single breath of air
I ask myself the same pressing question
“Why’s it so hard to change?” Again and again
I guess I am lacking the strength I need
To rise, and despite adversity, succeed
Countless times I have tried to switch my ways
I somehow always find myself back in the maze
Forever getting the best of me
Too late when I finally see
And at that point I am within it so deep
The harvest planted in haste I now have to reap
Although it is a bountiful crop
The yield is spoiled with posion and rot
Stalks grow taller, trapping me inside,
Sprouted from seeds of all I failed to hide
Foliage so thick I cannot see the sun
Blocking not only light, but everything and everyone,
Almost ready to give up and say I am done
Call it quits even though my life has barely begun
Yet on I continue, although reason there is none,
I doubt I’ll ever reach the exit, but still, I run...
I am mucho proud of this one guys!!! Thanks for reading!
Apr 9 · 91
Oxygen
Amanda Apr 9
Your love to me is oxygen
And I need to breathe you in

Try to inhale you like I did at our start but it's not enough to put a beat in my heart

I cannot survive without you
Lungs choking on lonely despair
So can you explain to me why every time we kiss
I suffocate from lack of air?
Feeling some type of way
Apr 6 · 75
Declaration Of Self
Amanda Apr 6
I, Amanda Kay Burke, on this day (April 5th, 2019), declare myself to all of you.

I declare no belief in what we refer to as "God."

I don't own enough luck to find four-leaf clovers.

I love those rare moments in time when bliss lays its roots so deep in my mind I become one of those people who cannot stop smiling.

Waking in time to catch the sunrise.

I love catching frogs too.
Yet I suspect I enjoy releasing them even more.

I love watching the rain crash down from above
Like tears from aliens we'll never encounter
On a distant moon in my skull
Or some astrophysical realm I saw in a dream.

I love bleeding
It reminds me I am actually still a breathing human being
I hate the pain as much as any undomesticated animal does though

I love sweets.
Maybe because I am sour like vinegar.
How I long to instead be cake, honey, or even peach-like in nature.
I want to be caramel melting into buttery rich folds
For a day or perhaps two at most.

I love surprises.

I declare I love showers.
They make me feel okay.i

I love my family.
I love my friends.

I love being the reason someone laughs

Love the freckle on the end of my nose.

The shape of my fingernails.

I love that my limbs all work the way they were designed.
That I have ten fingers, two eyes, and one heart.

I love that I only have the best intentions.
It makes up for the ideas I try that fail.

I declare I hate running
Or any exercise really..

I shrug off those who believe they know me when they don't.

Not a fan of classical music

Or boys who treat love like a joke.

I despise the white shreds of paper leftover when you rip pages out of a notebook.

I hate cigarettes, but you can vape around me.

I hate my completely pathetic lack of willpower.

I hate how the most trivial things make me angry.

I declare my hatred towards rising stress.

Hate how I cry over geometry.

I hate my nose, teeth, and thighs.

In each and every last form
I hate all types of goodbyes.

I hate my voice when I complain a tad too much.

How unathletic and clumsy I am.

I hate how I can keep everyone else's secrets
Not my own

When I can't grasp concepts the rest of the room understands.

I declare I'm quite surprised to learn
Not all creatures are as shallow as I presume.

I was not expecting my junior year to be like this.
People I grew up with aren't there anymore.

I'm frightened I'll be torn apart by society.

I am terrified by spiders
But I think their webs are beautiful.

I love food
But hate how it makes me feel.

I'm unsure of where life will take me
I have a feeling that's part of the deal.

I declare sometimes I am a hypocrite.
A good actress but a ****** liar.

Wear my heart on my sleeve.

To be perfectly honest
When it comes to sad films
I'm a big emotional cried.

I am human.
I have plenty of flaws.
The worst at moving on and letting go.

Every ordeal I've been through on this Earth had made me strong.

If there's one thing life has taught me
It is to take it day by day and go with the flow.
So you can go with the flow
Apr 6 · 87
The Addiction Gene
Amanda Apr 6
I get in a strange state of mind sometimes
Felt this misery before
It is back to disrupt my life
Tend to stand aside, not much more.

It will show what a worthless weakling I am
Leaves me asking why I'm here
Plead and cry for cooperation
Detached and losing those I hold dear.

This sick fixation warps me
Health suffering consequences
Any asset absent was robbed or wrecked
Drugs crushed every last one of my defenses.

Going crazy to find relief
Addiction pulls miles of nerves
It was my own ill judgement that led me here
In a way what I deserve.

I found comfort in orange-capped needles
Counting down points til zero in the box
Began to lose my personality
My old self misplaced or sold; I forgot.

I am not ******, at least I wasn't before,
Honestly, I promise, it is the drugs.
Think their tendrils reach my brain to the core
Shoo them then later feel in my skull a tug.

I know what I have to do
Problem is, it's hard,
Don't know why I can't pull free
The reason addicts are how they are.

I am afraid I'll forever be a *****
Too far gone to break empty routines
Knew at the start but thought there was a way around
The loopholeless addiction gene.
Why is addiction genetic?
Amanda Apr 5
It only takes an instant to break
But a lifetime to completely heal
Pain will fade but never vanish fully
There will always be a trace of emotions we feel
And just like that you lose your trust and you never get it back...
Apr 5 · 203
So Numb
Amanda Apr 5
It does not really hurt that much
At least not like before
I think I am so numb inside
That I can barely feel the pain anymore
Yep. Sad but so so true...
Don't do drugs people.
They will ******* up emotionally.
Apr 3 · 124
25
Amanda Apr 3
25
I am so glad you were born
So happy you're alive
Today is the day
You turn twenty-five!
For one of my best friends in the whole world Jessica for her birthday card. Short and sweet.
Mar 27 · 133
Manifest Of Emotion
Amanda Mar 27
This is not refusal of happiness
A desperate plea for attention
It is a manifest of emotion
Not some imaginary invention

There is a madness populating my head
Billions of shouting **** voices
Every one an echo of my own
Spelling my lack of choices

Lately hopeless feelings have grown
A desolate cold orchard
Blossomed a place I belong
I'm welcome but also tortured

I have laid down my roots in quicksand
I'll be withered by afternoon
A pile of wilted petals
Unless I am picked by someone soon
Written 2/16/12
Mar 27 · 82
Pass The Pain
Amanda Mar 27
Why is it when somebody we love does us wrong
We bundle up our pain and pass it along?
Sharing the misery doesn't make yours shrink
Just adds to the chain another link
Only multiplies the hurt you feel
Gives another the same wounds to heal
We think by gifting it to someone new
Our own suffering we'll magically undo
But really we are just inflicting pain
On an undeserving person nothing to gain
All it does is make us feel even worse
To share with another our heartbroken curse
I wish people would stop destroying people just because they were once destroyed.
Mar 27 · 101
Meaningful Messes
Amanda Mar 27
Maybe in misguided mistakes
Messes made, erratic errors,
There is beauty hiding to be found
A point to all the madness and terrors

I want to believe in bigger reasons
Tried and failed so many times
The blood I've shed and sacrificed
Payment for past crimes

Every up is shortly followed
By an equal down
The saying states that what goes
Around will come back around

Today I celebrate every gain
Do not mourn any loss
There is meaning to be found
In each bump you come across
Mistakes help you grow
Mar 27 · 107
Welcome To Hell
Amanda Mar 27
Welcome
To the ****
I have made here

If you care
About me
You will just

Disappear
Trying out a different line spacing style.. experimenting with different rhyme patterns and such.
Amanda Mar 27
After infinite loneliness
Found a way out through you
Your embrace ended that time
But also started something new

No one expected us
To fall so fast but we clicked
Fate was not in our control
By a higher power picked

On our own battling the world
Lost souls swept up in tragedy
Appearing to be angels sent
To take away misery

I love you, all that you do,
If you go can I be found?
My fear gets in the way
Making me hard to stick around

I miss you when you are gone
But return and I don't treat you right
It becomes too risky
Don't bother putting up a fight

Because I would rather be alone
Than see you leave someday
Slowly drift apart in time
Don't know why I'm this way
Written 11/17/18
Mar 27 · 278
Spring Has Sprung
Amanda Mar 27
The birds are chirping
It's a new day
Snowbanks are melting
Summer's on the way!
Yay
Mar 25 · 83
Soulmates
Amanda Mar 25
Somehow I found my way back to you
I guess I knew I would one day
But despite all the time I spent missing us
I'm finding it harder to stay
I got everything I wanted for so long
What I wished for the very most
I finally have you in my arms
So why do I never hold you close?
Lately I haven't been able to give
All the love you deserve though I try to
Despite this I truly believe we are soulmates
Because since we've met it's always been you
Soulmates will always end up together, no matter how much love was lost, or how great the distance.
Mar 25 · 80
In Shattered Pieces
Amanda Mar 25
Your labored breath the solitary sound
You continue to strive for perfection
Not knowing why you are not good enough
Where you drove off my affection

Going crazy chasing changing answers
Cursing past mistakes large and small
Violently flailing out of vindictive frustration
Wondering if I even love you at all

Thought you to be a reasonable guy
I am looking for that face
Focusing on how wrong I must be
As I deliver the coup de grace

Your instinct is fighting with logic
See your strength go weak
Hidden emotion weighing shoulders
Shut your eyes and do not speak

My heart caves in, I take your hand,
All the time taken from you
It is too late to return it
Together the months we break in two

Words cannot mend or explain
Tried ways to make you understand
Slowly truth seeping through
Pain I inflicted was never planned

As I sit with ice inside my bones
Love between us all but ceases
I am forced to carry the guilt of leaving you
Your life in a million shattered pieces
Written October 2018
Mar 25 · 70
M(h)O(ld)Ve On
Amanda Mar 25
I am stuck in a place somewhere between
Long long ago and so long
The question I can't seem to answer
Should I hold on or just move on?
I dunno. It just don't flow. Oh no. I feel so.. low.
Mar 22 · 96
I Am Broken
Amanda Mar 22
I am broken without a doubt
Something necessary not switching on
Destroyed my heart, wrecked my brain,
Now every ounce of hope is gone

I thought I had managed to fix myself
It only lasted so many days
My chest opened right back up
Organs in a state of decay

Slowly killed by chaos within
Feel lucky to have made it this far
The brink of unawareness
Healing wounds into scars

I am a survivor of heartbreak
Pretend my injuries are repaired
For no apparent reason other than
In case an observer stares

I am a little chipped, a bit bent,
Scared I'll completely shatter
Keep waiting for someone to show me
My **** parts do not matter

That I am cracked but still magnificent
Imperfect, yet someone's first choice
Scrapes on self-esteem and knees
Will not change lungs or the sound of my voice

Mind racing my body
Palms sweaty from the exercise
Heart pounding, pulse speed up,
Suffocating fears become larger in size

The marks on my body do not make me weak
Regardless of what you may think
They are reminders of my strength on days
I stayed afloat; it was easier to sink

I've tried permanently mending
A thousand sampled antidotes
In my attempts to soothe with medication
Just keep layering on the coats

Sometimes when I am really hurting
Words held back break loose
Each falling out of my brain and landing
On paper eases years of abuse

But it is hard to explain how I truly feel
I'm drowning in a sea of grey
Numb myself, halt my fears,
You're done with efforts to make me stay
It feels unfinished...
Mar 22 · 172
Unwaiting
Amanda Mar 22
I am not waiting for you to suddenly change
Be all the things you said
The only thing I am waiting for
Is you to get out of my head
...
Mar 22 · 102
Your Smile Is A Key
Amanda Mar 22
Your quiet words are comfort
Your smile is a key
To the things inside the center of my heart
To the deepest parts of me

Believe me I am grateful for
Your uncertain yet blissful company
Love the way you talk and feel
How you listen, think, touch and see

I want to kiss by a lamppost
Under stars and in the rain
Want to kiss you everywhere
Sorry if that sounds insane

Your soul meets mine and something stirs
Awakening feelings never before had
This breathlessness is a welcome change
Either I'm in love or I've gone mad
I know something we both can do
First I gotta be alone with you
I want you so bad
Boy you drive me mad
Mar 17 · 318
Survival
Amanda Mar 17
Trying hard to be grateful
Thankful for being alive
But how can I love the life I've been given
When it's so hard to just survive?
They say every day is a blessing but it feels like every day is cursed to me
Mar 16 · 150
Fuel
Amanda Mar 16
We loved with careless enthusiasm
Your touch cooled my burning chest
Out of melancholic monotony
Embraced flaws and silent distress

Warm skin the ultimate compliment
Formless bodies seeking relief
Yet the mind mine was so connected to
Overflows my thoughts with grief

And I see the mess I've made of us
Cry because I know it's my fault
Pouring darkness into your body
Leading you into assault

One moment you were everything
Couldn't stop love I felt
Next found myself wanting space
With time passion began to melt

The feelings I relished dwindled with grace
Rehearsing lines of the part I'm trying to be
All that's left is only a trace
Of the magic once fueling our love story
Written 9-25-18
Mar 16 · 115
You Really Have My Heart
Amanda Mar 16
I really love you

I wish I could write that phrase over and over again
How it is in my mind

I cry for you sometimes
Hope for salvation for your soul
Wish happiness for you
Also for me
Every once in awhile for us
Rarely for her

I think about you when it is sunny
Think about you when it's raining

I miss you when the sky is clear and blue
I miss you even more when it is cloudy and storming

The wind reminds me of your fleeting smile
The ground of your even voice

I miss it all too much
Care too much

Every mention of her breaks one more piece of me
Each time I hear her name I feel like crying

I open my heart up to you
When I'm done I feel raw and exposed

I'm struggling with the patience to wait
I need you too badly

You bring so much joy
Bring me so much pain

But if no one else believes you
I will believe IN you

It's worth fighting for..


YOU are worth fighting for!
Written back in my high school days.
Mar 15 · 437
Combine (Haiku)
Amanda Mar 15
Use my broken parts
Replace your missing pieces
Both cannot be whole
Maybe together we can make one actual human being
Mar 13 · 232
Blindfold
Amanda Mar 13
Cover up my eyes
I do not want to see
All the things
I tell you not to be

Don't want to watch
You rip me apart
Don't want to lose
One more piece of my heart

Take my blindfold off
I can now clearly see
The man I fell for wasn't you
Just who you pretended to be
When someone shows you who they are; believe them the first time.
Mar 13 · 175
Unnumb
Amanda Mar 13
I numb pain by getting high
Bounce from drug to drug
Wish I was stronger than I am
Want to get clean and be done

I keep hoping motivation will blossom
Positive train of thought
Guess temptation is more seductive
Giving it all I've got

My skin senses familiar stinging
Night comes; I succumb
I tumble down the rabbit hole
The place my conscience is dumbed

My hands move of their own accord
Hope I soon gain control
My cold heart is seeking comfort
From the agony hindering me from being whole

I do not know any other way
To stifle the ache of being alive
Than consuming toxic substances
The irony of methods I use to survive

So near to dying completely inside
Want to unnumb emotions
Remembering how I'd always complain about the flood
Now I wish for those sensitive oceans
She wasn't sad anymore, she was numb. And numb, she knew, was somehow worse.
Mar 13 · 126
Altered
Amanda Mar 13
I have nothing to live for now
Life feels pointless and has no meaning since we parted
And I have to wonder...
Did the sun stop shining for you as well?

Colors do not appear as bright as usual
Food I used to love doesn't taste the same
Every single song I listen to has transformed into the saddest ballad ever composed
Even the tight ball of worry has shifted position in my stomach
The hoodie you got me for Christmas burns my lonely skin with longing...
I wear it anyway

Without you the world just isn't quite right
Like the whole planet has tilted a few degrees on it's axis
To compensate for the gravity of our separation

Every hour looks the same as before
They really aren't
Their steady pace remains the same and they take the same route they always do but they are anything but unchanged
Because they feel so much heavier now
So wrong

I stumble from one interaction to the next
Saying my words
Smiling my smile
Directing my limbs
Being the person I was

Yet, I am not her anymore
My life is still my life
My friends are still my friends
My heart is still mine in my chest
My teardrops still fall from my eyes
My feelings are still the mess they've been for years
Yet, it isn't my life anymore

I wake up and apply mascara to a stranger's face
Put socks on a strangers feet
Brush a stranger's teeth
Answer to a stranger's name
Because the girl everyone knows is gone and all that's left is this routine perfected by the walking corpse she left behind

Maybe it isn't the world that is irrevocably altered
Maybe what has broken isn't the shade of the morning sky or the smell of cedar shavings or the sound of pouring rain splashing against puddles
Maybe nothing is actually different at all

Except me
Part of this is an excerpt from my five-page letter to Paul but then inspiration struck and it took on a life of it's own. I do like it though. Do you think I should have ended it at "I wear it anyway" or does the rest of it add to the overall quality of the poem? Tell me what you think! :)
Mar 13 · 835
I Am Not Angry
Amanda Mar 13
I am no longer mad at you
I forgave you a long time ago
I just know you will never change
That's why I had to let you go
I am not mad at you. I am just tired.
Mar 10 · 116
Unsure
Amanda Mar 10
Why couldn't you be honest from the start?
You and your addiction
Uncertainty about everything
The main source of our friction

Going from one crazy accusation to another
Thinking at least one must be correct
Being unsure of own reason and judgement
Makes it hard winning an argument

We are as humans imperfect
Expectations flying high
Fingers losing touch with reality
Unsure of where, when, and why

You see me, all I truly am
Being unsure of who you are is no fun
Be yourself, whoever that may be
Sure it is who you want to become

Grab the second chance offered
Take a second to look
If you want improvement then make some
Be led down the old path you took

Push yourself past triggers
I keep pace with you as best as I can
What the **** is wrong with me?
Death stalking with an unsure plan

It is not the reaper behind me
It is only my own shadow
Pain and paranoia pull then push
Health declining as their strength grows

How have I ended up just like you?
Search for answers you don't have
We can't heal until we do
We keep trying the best we can
All I ever wanted was to understand you fully
Mar 10 · 116
We'll Never Be
Amanda Mar 10
I am feeling confused about what to do
This is really what I want
Both know it isn't my style
Lie or put on a front

We fight our emotions so hard
Live every day in denial
You really don't sense our love decreasing
Has been happening for awhile

We are just biding time until
Someone better comes along
Using one another for different gains
Symbiotic romance is wrong

Abusive to you at times
I cannot control my anger
You're just as abusive emotionally
My mental health in danger

Substance after substance into bodies
Distract ourselves from reality
Pain has ruined our beautiful love
All we planned we'll never be
I wrote this when I was upset but the truth is I do think we can have the life we planned we just have to work harder than we have been
Mar 10 · 1.0k
I Miss You More (Haiku)
Amanda Mar 10
You say you miss me
You don't miss me all the time
Just when you're lonely
I miss you 24/7
Mar 9 · 100
Catastrophe
Amanda Mar 9
If I scored you on a numeric scale
You're even higher than a ten
He is barely a four-five at best
You still let him hurt you again and again

You have been trapped in this place too long
Your every thought shaped around him
I think you've had enough of this
Future feels awfully grim

What can I do to make you see
How beautiful you are?
You deserve more than a guy
Who stores your feelings in a jar

I hate seeing you treated this way
What happened to the person who was strong?
Need to see what's not good for you
His arms are not where you belong

You have wasted so much time hurting
Over somebody who does not care
He deserted you after saying
He would always be there

This relationship is not right
Twisted by his bad intent
From the moment he stepped into your life
You knew he would leave a dent

I guess that's the funny thing
Though sometimes you know it won't last
You throw away all your fears
Fall in love, and you fall fast

But he is never going to change
I am sure your other friends agree
You plus him will always equal
A great big catastrophe
Written in 2012 for one of my best friends Brooke because her boyfriend was not treating her right
Mar 9 · 129
Not Much Left Of Me
Amanda Mar 9
My self-esteem I ripped out of this body long ago
Self-respect not long after that
I traded both for a phony veil of joy
To stop feeling the pain of the place I was at

It never outlasted the strength of the ache
Now I own meager scraps and not much else
A heart in disrepair, aura colored black, muted spirit,
Hands sore and ****** from punishing myself

A hole or two would be just fine
But in my chest something's gone dark
A great persistence possesses me to poke
Until my hurt arms are covered in marks

All the way throughout my scarred skeleton
Sorrows lay scattered, sadness strewn about
They invited insecurities in to stay
Now not a single one will get out

Organs uncomfortably crowded by
Irrational fears, worries, and questions
Anxiety multiplies with a million other things
I would really rather not mention

The few shreds of confidence I had
Finally got fed up and fled
Leaving only doubt and shame
Plus negative thoughts echoing in my head

I used to harbor peace inside my marrow
All I feel there now is hurt
Carefree shrugs and smiles departed
Took refuge somewhere buried under dirt

There is not a lot here remaining
Of the person I was before
Better qualities packed up
And exited out the nearest door

These days I'm made of stubborn self-hatred,
Cloudy skin, empty eyes, lifeless hair, no beauty,
Addiction replaced the brightness of my soul with broken bulbs,
Yeah, there's not much here left of me
This one came from a dark place deep in my heart
Mar 7 · 251
Stranger Danger
Amanda Mar 7
To naively trust your playful smile
Is throwing all sense up in the air
Should be more wary of strangers
Of the danger I am aware

No reason not to trust your hand
Yet no reason why I should
Don't even know each other
This can't lead anywhere good
I am usually not a one-night stand kind of girl
Mar 5 · 99
Can't Change
Amanda Mar 5
I am trying not to blame you
For what you cannot change
You are more than a paper doll
With pieces to pick, pull apart, and exchange

Your words are smooth satin
Can't help but suspect your nonchalance
Know I can be standoffish
It's simply an automatic response

Patterns I am used to
Behavior I am around
Have me guarded for great reason
Heartache all I have ever found

It is not your fault you hurt me
Instead it's mine for expecting you to keep
Promises when you have shown before
You will only break them and make me weep

No noticable change in behavior
Don't know why I'm surprised
Don't know why I thought anything would be different
Need to accept a future of secrets and lies

I meet new obstacles daily
Alibis I have to chop down
I think I've finally given up
Only a matter of time til I drown

Weeks passed since any bliss touched our lives
With each day that goes by we deepen the space
Driving ourselves insane with obsession
Madly in love with you, but you only love the chase

A game of tug-o'-war neither can win
Love has us struggling to get along and agree
It is time to realize I'll never change you
Just like you cannot change me
Have you ever had an ex boyfriend you wanted to "ex"-change? Hahaha.
Mar 5 · 85
You Win
Amanda Mar 5
A moment was all it took for my heart
To violently shatter and painfully fall apart
Will I ever halt these frustrated tears?
At this rate I will be sobbing for years
You let this relationship crumble; you can't deny
Smashed my heart completely; watched it suddenly die
My home now haunted by ghosts without names
Is it a graveyard for both of our shames?
Abandonment I attempted but failed
Every goal they followed and veiled
It seems impossible to shake
Apparitions my mind creates
The best part of being the last one to move on
Hearing you are better with me gone
I drain my pen of daily sorrow
It took being empty to fill with hope for tomorrow
It's getting easier to close wounds and mend
Write the damage to better defend
I hate I so easily let you back under my skin
Beaten into submission finally say you win
Sometimes the ghosts win.
Mar 5 · 87
Shot After Shot
Amanda Mar 5
I want to take shot after shot after shot of *****
Or whiskey
Or even gin

Any and all hard alcohol
To mask the resounding pain
Ricocheting throughout my worn-out body
As if it were a pinball machine

Swallow some poisonous liquor
Because I remember many years ago
How ***** intensified the irresistible attraction I held for you

YET.. there was always a tipping point
A few chugs past tipsy
Then I would begin throwing up
Finally intoxicated enough to set my mind free from your ribcage for awhile

Too sick to think about you
Because I would be
Too sick to think about anything

That is the only way I can hope to halt this overwhelming longing
To be embraced in your arms
One more time
An excerpt from a letter to, well, you- know-who..
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