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Not noticed from beginning
Parallel parked car
Windshield tinted
Stickered bumper
Wiping tears to collect in a jar
Nails chewed at the ends
Watching through small panes of glass
Fence of fear put between us
Fighting demons that harass
About whether to halt or flee
Butterflies telling lies
Distance will take away secrets
Conscious is cut down to size
Said you couldn't believe luck
Being with a girl like me
Something darkening your pupils
Smelled hint of sour finally
Cheeks flushed crimson with blood and shame
Plans cancelled out of the blue
Sorry said like it was not a big deal
Worked before a time or two
Did you suspect me to be that gullible?
That I would not check your alibi?
You think I'd be easy to forget
With **** of your head said goodbye
Still going through worst every day
Loneliness deeper than the sea
Sensing lost connection dwindling fast
Increasing intake
Caffeine and vitamin c
Maybe were chained to my skeleton
Hanging on because you had no choice
You weren't playing me the whole time
Rendezvous and secrets shared your voice
As I drink insecurities
You in a hurry go out the front door
Follow and find out where you drive
Heart was needing to understand more
It may be too late presently for us
I still hold hope for you and I
If I cross your mind at all please can we just try?
Written 3-3-31
I'd fall from hands a million times
So many occasions you've let me down
If knowing better I'd stay away
Keep giving me the runaround
And think I'm a glutton for punishment
When willing I am somehow charmed
Into the worst situations readily dive
So person you pretend to be is unharmed
Sees fireworks and calls name
Moment suspended in time
Everything is heaven in your presence
I would crush myself if it meant helping you climb
And sprinkle wishes on surface
It made you proud of me
And laughing stars lit up the skyline
Filled you with identities I couldn't flee
You were young when you tumbled headfirst
Defenseless to varying degrees of pain
Wouldn't even stray from my side
My heart what drove you insane
Laying on beautiful grass
There to wipe fine tears from my eyes
Roads visible from the windowsill
Been forced to inhale the dust that flies
Before you stepped from your spirit
I imagine you longed to be free
Just want to understand if I'm right
Sparkle assuming to silently agree
Like remnants of ground clinging to clothes
Eruption of dirt and desire
Gave birth to traveling attention
Upon future danced waiting to tire
Like edges aren't real if they aren't addressed
Our bodies make excuses
Just long to come first in your book
Heavy world plays games and uses
Hanging from cliffs by fingernails
Not the palms of your hands
To me is no permanent solution
A little lighter and minutes may understand
I yearn to be thing you need most
Pushed against wall so tight
Straining to support my body standing
Further from your sight
So life doesn't wear you out as much
For you straighten it's curves
You have to admit it takes strength
Deep breaths feel like what I deserve
And do little to change my circumstance
It is me who chose the easier route
Heights the obstacle blocking achievement
Be your back-up plan when in doubt
Because it is not what I had planned
It's giving up and caving in
Chance to come with new ideas
And willingness to hide within
Burn and do wrong in your haste to cover tracks
The universe shows your mistakes
Listening and looking for signs
I think life will relieve the aches
This is an inch from cataclysm
Chamber loaded in gun
My lips are wrapped around the barrel
Giving you opportunity to run
I hope you find what you are searching for
Sky where stare is fixed upon
For you I'm writing this
And I believe you are better off with me gone
Written 3-3-21
You didn't want love I offered
I continued life alone
Both lucky
You more than I
To be alive on my own
It's 11:11
Make a wish
Won't come true for you twice
Time I lost missing you is now yours to spend
You are paying the price
Written 3-3-21
When I smell Old Spice it takes nose back
Think of being close to your skin
Was it your sweat as our pulses raced?
We were producing promises to win
Homemade pizza promptly devoured
Flour handprints on ****
Bedazzled jeans
Holes in both knees
Blond hair perfectly cut
I remember admiring freckles
Couldn't take your eyes off my smile
Inebriated night after night
Dreamed of walking the aisle
When tasting Smirnoff *****
Always think of our start
Hearing laughter in my mind
No matter how long we have been apart
It's crazy how little things can take you back in time

Written 3-3-21
It was bad as I always imagined
Honey no longer tastes sweet
All who partake intoxicated
Words melted in the midday heat
Illusions beyond comprehension
Evoking apparitions from a fleeting flashback
Fragments claimed in the light of day
Painted my world in shades of black
I could only watch colors fade
Charismatic allure had me paralyzed
Energy spent transformed into tears
Crossed paths unrecognized
Time has not dwindled intensity
Feeling depth exceeding all measure
Defined by despondent devotion
You no longer bring body pleasure
I dream a life free from anchors
The shadows darkening the air
In moonlight images my skin unblemished
Make-believe scars were never there
If only I could pretend something into existence
The sky so blue, the earth so green
These eyes bear witness to what they've seen
My mind with the moon, I dream for fun
I love the moon and stars and sun
They don't care what I have done
I want to be useful before I'm gone
I need to wean myself off what I lean on
and stand on my own two feet for once
but they always take me back to where I've been
Eternal cycle that I'm in
It always goes back to a life of sin
Of gin and tonic, of tobacco and chronic
I never win, it's gotten late
My routine has become a fate which I hate,
but cannot break, is it too late?
My inner voice is crying now
I did not listen, didn't know how
I bow to the past, I prostrate low
To my routine, it's all I know
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