I'm cold. I can't seem to stop shaking. My hands are shaking and my legs are trembling for each step I'm taking. Maybe I'm weak from not eating well. But, you see, I haven't had any appetite since I left. The loneliness is keeping me company and like a dead cold corpse she embraces me. I don't know what to do and I can't for my life stay warm for even a few minutes; But somehow, the cold creates a sense of security and I want her to stay.
I'm beginning to see my brittle bones make an appearance through my fragile skin. I can see the curvature of my bones and where the connections begin. I fear that the lack of my appetite will soon turn me dry of food and water. And my mind and body will begin to weaken and my perception will alter. I numbingly watch the vultures circle around me under bright lights. I want to cry as I listen to them say they loved me with all their might. And they'll want to know how could I have possibly done such a thing. Not realizing my lonely sessions consisted of my disorder to binge. I can not chew without getting the sickening feeling of nausea. I'd plainly just rather not eat until I pass out into euphoria. Wake up sick once again, and the cycle repeats. I lay weak in bed wondering when my disorder will put me into defeat. I believe that is my goal, to torture myself in the ways that I can so I can go away. Vulnerable in front of a mirror, wishing I can be put into the earth to lay. I am weathering away, day by day, night by night, tracing the bones of my rib cage. I can't eat, it will all come back up in a violent rage. The growing pain residing in my stomach hurts. But if it promises me death, I want to stay in this desert.
I've been struggling with eating a lot more lately, I fear I'm developing an eating disorder.
Oh how conveniently I often fail, But not that my arms I do not flail. Neither that soldier spirit ebbs away, Nor this fighting spirit will ever sway.
What is wrong with my health, Why all my systems get derailed. Have I not lost so much of wealth, How I avoid this approaching death.
May be a bad news for a few of you, But as a good news for some of you, Multiple systems in my body now fail. I am not sure where I will land, If in heaven or in ****, If there exists a life after death, I will await your ascent right there only.