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870 · Jan 2015
Listen.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
So I watch
And I listen
and I laugh
at the joke the fates have whispered to me.
No one else seems to hear it...
It’s not quite so funny, you see
The pitter patter of the pity...
You can hear it, you see,
you can see it, actually.
“It’s a small thing amongst friends”
a small thing to see in a stranger’s face:
the twinge of sadness,
confusion,
relief for themselves.
They look at me, seeing what they will never be.
They see, though, what could happen, terribly,
1 in 100,
in 1,000,
10,000, maybe.
And so I watch.
And I listen.
As they whisper,
and they wonder,
and they worry.
And I laugh
at the joke that life telling me, mocking at me.
But it’s not quite so funny, you see,
that whispering of the Wonderers
Asking over politely
But never listening intently
I’ll tell them all about it.
it seems such a small thing.
Listen.
It may be bigger than you see.
They say
“you look so healthy…”
Or
“You don’t look sick to me.”
But I’ll smile.
And I’ll laugh
at the joke that life is telling me.
You can’t hear it, darling.
And you don’t want to.
That’s okay.
It must be a joke anyway...
Nope. This is my life.
But what’s the difference either way?
I’ll smile.
I’ll laugh.
And they’ll hear one day.
“one day” will be today.
They will see.
Not just maybe.
I’ll tell them all about it.
And I’ll watch,
and I’ll listen.
The pitter patter will turn to applause.
pity will somehow be praise
and understanding.
such a thing to see in a stranger’s face;
so curious to me.
It’s not so funny you see,
it’s quite serious, actually.
this is the life that has been given to me.
I’ll joke about it, maybe.
but listen,
possibly you’ll see,
**What someone’s living
isn’t always what it appears to be.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
You made me
something..
Taught me what it truly
meant to be
blissfully and actually,
acutely,
happy.
Things changed.
Sometimes...
not so perfectly..
always aware of me.
It was falling apart ever so slightly
But you made me
happy.
You made me
unhappy.
Both working
in harmony.
Things change.
Today I think you’re happy.
And today there’s me,
surviving miserably,
uncontently,
but voluntarily,
To the whisper “not meant to be”
You've found someone new and shiny,
Better than me-
convincingly.
I miss what we used to be.
I wish we could be.
I hope you’re happy.
I will be.
eventually.
841 · Sep 2019
Learning new Ideology.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
Forgive yourself
We all get let down sometimes
Maybe you let someone else down
Maybe they let you down, too.
Hand in hand with uncommunicated expectations.

And it doesn’t have to be one person’s fault.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
I’m the queen of overthinking so you have to know that I’m overthinking things each night that goes by, afraid that you must have, or will, changed your mind.
824 · Oct 2019
Anxious thoughts
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
Even the guy who didn’t really want me, was able to get down on one knee. Hell, he even married me— albeit unfaithfully.
Is that why you can’t do the same thing? Do you not really want me? Or are you not sure I’m everything you need?
Why am I not enough for you to really choose me?
9/17/19
781 · May 2019
You are every good thing
Makenzie Marie May 2019
That moment when you’re somewhere between sleep and awake. That moment on a roller coaster as you drop at almost a 90° angle and your adrenaline surges. Your favorite song on the radio in the summer, when your windows are down and you’re singing along. The warmth and comfort that envelops you as you snuggle into bed. A sunrise. The moon rise. The galaxy of stars on a clear night in your small home town.
All of these things and feelings
You are every one of them, combined.
781 · May 2015
black holes and ocean skies
Makenzie Marie May 2015
In all honesty
I'm sorry
that you ever fell for me.

Because I'm a black hole:
Dark as heck and ice cold,
Because my blood doesn't circulate just right...
My heart is broken and I feel it most at night
And now you do too, most of the time.

This Abyss tears open and into me...
And you'll get lost in me.
And it's worse than being lost at sea
because there's nothing to see
And there's no one there to hear your screams.

It's drowning in nothing,
Essentially,
Being lost in me,
Now, especially,
worse than anything
Any bad dream.

Because it'll become a dream
pretty as it seems,
It's not, honestly.
And leave it to me
To tear it from your grasp.
Brace for impact.

I'm sorry for everything
I'm sorry that you love me
Or something.

But I shouldn't feel bad
For not loving you back...
I care about you, but the truth hit me like a shark attack.

I was trusting of the deep blue
In your honest eyes...
Unaware that they hid so many lies.
And as I floated on my back
Unsuspecting and relaxed
I stared at the sky...
And the shark attacked.

And now I'm the one drowning
I got trapped and confused in your web of...
black holes and stormy skies.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
Dancing under the stars
Barefoot in your haunted backyard
And all I can feel is the safety in your arms.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
"Tame your dragon"
My teacher says...
Can I refuse this assignment?
Make a plan
she instructs...
My plan is to slowly self destruct.
But I don't think that's what you want.
Can I be honest
and say
that today
is not the day,
nor was yesterday,
that I honestly want to change?
I know I should
but I don't really know what to say...
tomorrow, maybe
I'll consider starting.
But it might just be
a distant tomorrow
cuz today my plan is relapsing.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
You’re gaining my dear
but nothing good.
Step on the scale
though you said you never would...
Want a toothbrush
and a blade?
Because then, I can trick you
into thinking that everything is okay.
Don’t look in the mirror
you already know what you’ll see.
You’re worse off than ever,
you don’t deserve to eat.
So what, it’s Thanksgiving?
You’ve had enough treats.
and everyone can see it plainly.
So skip Christmas too,
if you can swing it.
Run until you can't breathe.
quit your complaining,
and drink something without calories.
Because hey,
soon enough you’ll be happy
back down to size three;
you’ll be able to breath.
As you well know
nothing good comes easy.
so work your **** off
lose any inch that you can squeeze.
when you can see your ribs again
I promise you’ll thank me.

with love
your E.D.
I 've been conscious of my battle with my eating disorder since my sixth grade.  It's been almost eight years.  I hit rock bottom years ago and I have promised myself  that I  will never get that low again. I have gotten treatment and therapy, and I am better. I'm just not better yet at accepting myself in my view of "perfection." Though I have stayed relatively clean for two years, I know it is a never ending battle.  And despite this, and my occasional slip ups, I am beyond determined not to lose to this monster. I will conquer this, but I don't know if I'll ever get it out of my head.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
“I’m sorry”
I whisper.  Over. And over.
A reflex when things are not okay.
Because no matter what I’m always to blame.
765 · Feb 2015
fill-in-the-blank
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I wouldn't be surprised
if they all got some sick gain
from the pain
they cause those left unnamed.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he gets a kick
out of kicking her around
and out of holding her down.
If she gets a high
from pushing her to the ground.
If they get a lift
out of treating them like they're worthless.
You're causing pain
to those who's names
fit in to the fill-in-the-blanks.
please just stop.
749 · Feb 2015
Goodbye.. Sometime.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I'm grateful today
to be able to say
that I know I have a future,
begging me to stay.
Because otherwise
I would having nothing preventing me
from acting on my desire
to die...
Today I want to live
because in the morning the sun will rise
in the eastern sky,
and rise high
lighting up the darkness in life
or something.
I want to live to watch it set
one more time
to watch the night
come alive
as my monsters become less silent...
and only then, do I want to die.
But I don't jump
trying to fly
Because I know that I can't,
because I know that the sun will rise.
at least one more time.
And I know
that some day
It's going to rise
so high
that it consumes everything in sight.
I know
that some day
it won't set again.
Some day, I can say goodbye
to the night sky
and my monsterous mind.
So I'll just hold on tight.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
Ana is in my brain again
and I'm sorry
to say I'm giving in.
Mia is whispering to me
so sweetly;
Fueling my dreams
to just be skinny.
And today I don't feel strong enough
to decide that I am enough.
Because I feel like too much.
     There's too much of me,
     And I am not enough,
      because I'm not skinny.
Mia is in my head again
allowing me to guiltily binge;
Reminding me
I can purge just as easily.
Urging me, "better hurry."
Run the water
hide the sound....
I feel pretty lost,
And this is what I've found
to cope
with the constant nagging
inside of me.
Ana is in my thoughts today
Reminding me how much I've gained.
And all I've lost- previously.
Encouraging me,
Dissapointedly,
To get down to 115.
I know that I am losing my mind
But maybe along with that,
I'll lose a few pounds.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I missed the scorching,
burning
screaming in my throat...

But it's like a big red button
an on switch
with no off.
I started something that I don't know how to stop

And now I'm sitting on the bathroom floor typing this up
silently crying
waiting for the next time this volcano will erupt.


I've missed the cold of the porcelain
the whispers of mia:
my fakest friends
reminding me of the stretch marks
forming on my skin
the disgusting nagging coming from within

I'm supposed to be getting better...
I don't want to lie to you...
But I don't want to.
I'm a fetching hypocrite but I've relapsed and honestly my anxiety is gone for the moment. I know it's only going to get worse from here on out but at least I have a release for a few minutes.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
And most days now
I can hardly breathe.
Because of the excitement
inside of me.
The eager buzz
bubbling over
hopelessly
and hopefully...
The thrilling nerves
That I can't contain.
The butterflies I can't explain.
And I am counting down the days
(28)
Until I'll see you again.
And I hope that you
are looking forward to it too.
I hope that you're a fraction as excited as I
and I can't wait to see the look in your eyes...
I can't seem to explain
the state
that I'm in...
But basically, I can hardly wait.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2015
I want forever with you.

And that thought is beautiful enough to stand on its own, but there's more, thank goodness.
Because with you I can look forward to that future, but still be in love with the moment we're living in, laying in your arms and watching you doze off and listen to your heartbeat. Tonight I wonder what it was in your thoughts that made it start racing for a few moments there.
And I feel no need to rush at all, because I have forever (I think. And I hope). I just want to enjoy where we are now, before we get to where we are next.
And I like right now. It's the most comfortable and exciting anticipation I've ever experienced. Because I think that I'm falling in love. I think maybe that's what it means when I can't help but smile when I look at you, or grin when you caress my face. I think that's what it means that I sleep better in your arms than anywhere in the world, as if my heart is calmer when it can hear yours. I think that maybe this is what love is, wanting this forever with you, and feeling in my gut that there will always be a next moment to anticipate, but also a this moment to enjoy. So I'm enjoying comfortably and hopefully anticipating and wondering. Because I'm curious if you're thinking the same things. Im wondering if you might fall in love with me as well. And I'm hoping that you're crossing your fingers that I'll cross my heart and hope to die with you at my side.
And maybe tomorrow that anticipation will be answered. But for now, I'll go to sleep without you, knowing that one day I might not have to.
The first poem I wrote you, I said it was to "the boy who will never see this."
And now, I so look forward to the day you do read it.
715 · Jul 2018
Passenger
Makenzie Marie Jul 2018
I am a passenger
In my own body.
Everything’s heavy
Memories spotty.

Working away
On a beautiful day
Until my heart begins to race

Adrenaline pumping
But still I’m exhausted.
Lay down on the floor
Feet up in the sky
Get blood to my brain
And continue on with my night.

An engulfing weight
Holding me tight
Pushing me farther
From consciousness’ light

I can hear you, yes.
All that comes out is a breath.
And then again,
I’m drifting away.
I can hear everything they say.

“Open your eyes”
They flutter, sight blocked
I can not
And again
My vision is spotty
A passenger in my body.
710 · Dec 2014
Olly Olly Oxen Free
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
I'm overwhelmed and I just want to give up. I just want to give in. Because I swear there's no one near me who's listening. So I'm screaming "Olly olly oxen free" to whatever strength is hiding within me.
697 · Apr 2015
Celebrate the Victory
Makenzie Marie Apr 2015
Is it the future that I fear?
The war
always ever near?
But really, so what
if life is unclear?
I can hear
the whispers of my Lord,
who is always nearer,
who's sole purpose:
to steer
my ship to safety.
He brings to me
those good tidings
of joy
and peace.
This war I'm fighting...
the uncertainty
overwhelming me...
everything
has already been won
By the love and sacrifice
of the Almighty Son.
He who bids unto all men,
"come."
691 · Sep 2019
You do every thing.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
You tuck me in any time I lie down because you want to make sure I’m comfy.
I know you love me, because you show me in every little, big, thing you do.
You don’t do the things you do as a cloak for manipulation, to prove to me that I’m so lucky. You’re not doing anything just to convince me.
You’ve changed my ideology of the word “healthy” when it comes to sharing and showing love.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2015
I know this is an adjustment mom But I also know it's one you understand. And I think that might be what scares you. Because I've never felt this way before. As many times as I've fallen it's always been the feeling of a freefall, waiting for the ground to catch me, or waiting for my stomach to catch up with the gravity and find its way back to my abdomen instead of my throat. But this time around, falling feels more like flying. And planning feels sort of freeing. And our plan has been to go with the flow and we haven't much worried about it otherwise. But this flow has us underhandedly talking about children and the future as if they belong to us, as we, not just he and me, separately. And I haven't built my home in a person, but it's in this person that I have found home. It was built before I was here. But I feel like I was meant to roam the halls of his heart. And maybe this honeymoon phase won't last. But we know each other, he and I. And because of that I feel confident in wanting this to do just that, and last. I want him to be my first love and my last...
683 · Jan 2015
I believe in being happy.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
I believe in the future,
and in looking toward it.
I believe in moving on.
I believe in change,
and that it is possible.
I believe in potential,
and in recognizing potential.
I believe that there is good in the world,
and I believe that something good
is always coming.
I believe in positivity.
I believe in God.
I believe in Christ.
I believe in love.
And I believe that I am worthy of love.
I believe in smiles.
and hugs.
I believe in dancing in the rain
and running through the flowers
and lounging in the sun.
I believe in celebrating life
always.
I believe in smelling the flowers
and in taking it all in.
I believe that happiness is a choice.
And I believe in hard work,
and persistance.
I believe in faith,
and in leaping for it.
I believe in taking risks.
I believe in life.
And I believe in living it.
I believe that you can be broken,
But I believe that you can put yourself back together.
I believe in hope
and in hoping.
I believe in personal strength.
I believe in joy
And I believe in friendship
I belive in service-
in willingly giving and in receiving it.
I believe in recognizing the beauty of the world,
I believe in creating good in the world,
And I believe that **I can change the world.
674 · Feb 2015
Untitled
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
My heart beats fast
At the thought of it all.
The simple image
that I just might have a chance
to fall
(for you...).
That I might have the option
to tak the plunge
Into the deep..
But I can't sleep
There's too much tension
so much
I do not know...
Will my plunge end
with a painful blow
when I land
Or with some beautiful
and invigorating grace?
Will I have to save face
for everyone's sake?
Or will I ever land at all?
Will I be forever suspended in freefall?

If I let go
And fall
I pray that you
willl calm
my rushing heart
With your warm arms.
After all this time apart
Is there enough still to plunge into?
668 · Oct 2019
Differences
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
He was like alcohol and all he did was numb me
You are caffeine and leave my heart beats skipping—

So I‘d actually thank him for leaving.
659 · Aug 2019
You should be proud, I am.
Makenzie Marie Aug 2019
You have worked so hard. And dear, I hope you look back, and see how far you have come.  You have changed. You have grown. I hope that you embrace it
Makenzie Marie Jan 2019
I think
I am going to marry you.
And that in itself is poetic enough for me.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
I'm sorry
You're beautiful
And you don't see it.
And I'm sorry
That nobody treats you the greatest.
I'm sorry
That it hurts
No matter how hard you try.
And I'm sorry that I can't be there by your side.
I'm sorry that my comfort
Comes seperated by hundreds of miles
And I'm sorry that with all the effort
We can all still see through the smiles.
I'm sorry that it's hard,
Pushing yourself all alone.
I'm sorry that you're struggling
And that it feels like you're on your own.

I'm sorry that it's difficult,
Living.
I'm sorry I could never be there
To pull the blade
or the bottle
out of your hands.
And I'm sorry
that you felt like
dancing
with Death
was your only real chance
at happiness,
       or your only safety,
       or your final release....
And I'm sorry that I wasn't okay with it.
Or Im sorry if I ******* up your life
       (or your death).
But I wasn't about to just let you end it.
I'm not sorry that I spent
The end of my year
Finding someone to find you.
Getting them to help you.
And I'm not sorry if it means you made it to this year.

I'm not sorry
Especially if
this finally shows you
that someone actually cares.
And I don't care
if I value your life more than you.
I've been there.
I'm not sorry if you feel betrayed
If it means you get to see another day.

I'm sorry if I ruined your secret
And I'm sorry if they pumped your stomach or something and I'm sorry if that ****** a lot.
But I'm not sorry if it means right now you're conscious.
I'm not sorry if you get to watch the sun rise and set again.

And I'm not sorry.
If all of this
means that you live
it was more than worth it.
For MBD
Stay alive.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that beneath the beauty that lures me in
it's darker than any abyss I've ever known.

Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that the second you even dip a toe in,
chills consume everything.
But I dove in headfirst,
and I went numb so quickly
that I forgot that I was catching the worst kind of hypothermia.

Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that the second I dove in
I got lost in them and forgot how to swim.

Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that it's a tsunami wave
waiting
to wipe out the entire city
and every speck of light that inhabits it.

Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that I have no idea
whether,
when I went swimming,
I sank or swam.
But either way
I'm pretty sure that when the storm hit,
I drowned.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
This is a story
about love
and lust
and misplaced trust

and the subject,
the main character,
today:
avoiding the dive--
the rush of fear and feeling alive--
because of those experiences
with that love
and lust
and misplaced trust.

The Character
has been here before:
heart on sleeve,
opening
up:
thinking it's love.
But no luck.

And it all
seems to be
an unlucky series.
Because that paper heart
was played with, you see
(At least now we know that it bleeds).
That fragile glass *****
was put into the hands
of a careless child
playing a part in the pitiful dance
of telling this story.

This Character
once gave it all
Jumped and flew
and then,
just fell.
Nobody caught this trusting sap
And at the landing:
You could hear that heart crack

But we recover--
stitches do heal--
so it might just appeal
to this storybook Character,
to try bending
the rules created
to keep that heart a little safer,
to leap once (or a few times) more
because behind one of those doors
is the fairytale ending.
Fairty tales always start with the opposition. I think.
651 · Nov 2014
Sleep evades me endlessly.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
Do you think of me?
Do you love me?
Do you want me?
Do you know what I love you
really means?
Because my curiosity
might just **** me.
I need to know.
and patience
is as hard for me
as sleep.
646 · Jan 2015
Three Strikes
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
Thre strikes
down the middle of my thigh
running red as I wonder why
and how this has happened to me
Why the skies
mirror my eyes:
dark, and clouded,
playing shy.
Three strikes
I'm out
(that's the rule of the game)
But I no longer really want to play,
anyway.
638 · Aug 2015
Fight or flight
Makenzie Marie Aug 2015
there is a storm
quickly, swiftly, hurling forward.
And you are the first to know,
you are the first to feel it coming,
                            smell it looming,
                            taste it's imminent downpouring.
So take cover in your homes
or rush into the open.
Run away, little mouse
Come out to play, mighty lion.

Scream as the storm speaks out for you,
and feel the winds shake the bones of your burrow.
Or embrace the storm as it shapes you.
Feel the wind while it moves the earth beneath you--
while it blows east, west, north and south--
and works to keep you stable.
Cower under covers
while the thunder causes your world to crumble ,
And the lighting catches fire to your yard.
Or come out of your den
and dance.
while the thunder conducts your life's composition,
and the lighting creates a light show
for your nightly festivities.

Come out to play little lion,
Come out to stay,
do not be afraid.
Embrace the storm.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2015
A hummingbird sips from the fountain in that courtyard where the only sound is the dripping water and the faint buzzing of electricity. Every so often you'll hear a car pass, footsteps from somewhere close by, and the wind whistle through the trees.
And I think you forget to remember that every second of it is significant. The hummingbird chirps to remind you to listen, and I hope you will. The wind whispers around you while the sun wraps you in a blanket, to remind you to feel, and I hope you do. You hear the electricity and the water and I hope you remember that you're blessed to be where you are in that courtyard at work and in your life. When the cars rush past I hope you remember that there are hundreds of lives being lived all around you today and you are just one of these beings living your life. And I hope you remember that every one of those lives is important and significant but that yours, or theirs, are no more significant than others'. And when you hear the shuffling of feet I hope you look to the faces that they're carrying and smile- teeth and all- and I hope it's because you see the significance of every second of your day. And even if you don't, try for me.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2018
You ask me not to tell you
So I will show you.

Continually proving myself
It’s a test
I hope I pass it.

And every time I fail you
I hope that you don’t doubt the truth

I love you.
I am afraid that I am not enough.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I'm trying to be that fighter
that you all expect out of me
I'm trying to smile brighter
So you don't see
that this life
kind of feels like
it's burning a hole inside of me.
That I can't see
one step ahead for anything.
I'm hoping you don't actually see
the scars that are so obviously
A work of my own artisrty.
I'm hoping that you don't see
that I'm falling apart at the seams...
But I cant decide
if I want to fight...
I know I want to win the war
but I don't know much if I want to actually fight it anymore.
Daily
things are thrown at me
and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with these things.
And sometimes it's not even my own battle that I'm fighting.
But either way
It's all the same.
Every day.
A war that I'm waging.
615 · Nov 2014
It's all okay.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
“it’s going to be okay”*
they always say
that it’s going to be *okay.

You always say,
“you’re going to be okay.”
So sure, of course,
it will be O.K.
My best friend has died,
they weep.
But you say,
it will all be okay.
“you’re going to be sick for the rest of your life.”
(you have seven new diagnosis)
they say.
but.
“it’s going to be okay”
you say.
You whisper
"I don't feel okay."
But of course,
it will be okay.
I lost my will to live
you say
But, really, trust them.
everything is okay.
Okay.
I'm fine.
You'll say again.
Because you know it's best to just give in
to the fake positivity
Or delusional sincerity.
that it's going to be okay.
A broken heart is nothing new
You're going to be okay.
And
"Tomorrow will be better"
they say.
You will find new love one day
they say.
One day one that will stay.
Because hey,
in every heartbreak
there is a new day
it’s going to be okay.
we can cry for the past,
we could mourn today.
You can hate tomorrow
and you can loathe today.
but not for long
it will be okay.
look towards the future,
because there is one, okay?
There is light in the darkness
and there is hope in today.
*It will be okay.
610 · Oct 2014
Throwing Pennies
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
Alone
That’s all I am
in this open empty state.
And exhausted.
                                  So fricking tired.
Physically,
mentally,
emotionally
exhausted.
     And the glass feels half empty.
Though the sky is so full;
I can’t help but feel alone.
Because no matter how much love
is handed to me
faked
for my benefit,
for their gain,
it’s nothing real.
There’s nothing gained
only lost.
One more broken piece
of myself
handed away.
               One more wasted day.
useless.
And wasteful.
But hopeful, at least.
Maybe…
      Am I even     progressing?
Or am I moving
backwards?
to the crap that used to be…?
I can hold myself up,
but after so long
my strength goes slack.
     because I know what I lack.
I feel so dang alone
          and can any of us
                                  really,
                    ­                       make it alone?
608 · Mar 2019
That same song was playing
Makenzie Marie Mar 2019
I was caught in your eyes
Staring at the 3am sky
Watching the snow.
Listening to your voice
So full
Of love and passion
Watching you smile in the most you-ish fashion.
My drink got cold
And I hadn’t a care in the world.
601 · Oct 2019
Myth.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
Nothing compares to a love like this. I didn’t even know this could exist.
You touch me and there’s automatic peace. You carry me to bed when I fall asleep.
You tuck me in to keep me warm,
Or let me wear your coat even though you can’t feel your arms.
You tell me daily how much you love me,
And it’s what you’re always demonstrating.
You listen to me read novels and poetry.
And (almost) never interrupt me.

I hope that I do enough for you
To show you that I love you, too.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
I cannot think.
I cannot move.
The ice has frozen me
through and through.
And you're not here
And I'm not there...
And how did I think
this would be something I could bear?
Should I just wait?
Hoping that there will come a day
when this all thaws out?
A day that i can feel my toes again,
a day that I can know your soul again?
Everything is cold
So just come home
to me
and bring your summer heat.
Because I'm freezing.
I'm frozen.
And I don't think I can move
without you.
snow frozen cold winter miss you
594 · Sep 2019
Swim to me, please.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
I’d swim across the ocean for you.
And I’ve always loved this way.
But the difference is that before, every time, I would do it for someone who would stay dry, and comfortable, and let me be drenched by the storm in the sky. Less than crossing puddles, and less than even helping me cross it myself. I swam oceans for people who would ask me to carry them on my back while I did, eventually forcing me under and drowning me, knowing full well what they were doing. They would hardly cross a street for me.
But I will still swim oceans for you— and I am absolutely sure that you would for me too. So I’ll meet you in the middle.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
Can I just say
***** you for alwasy leaving me
to question things?
To wonder what the heck will come of you and me?
What in Hell
made you think it was okay
to treat me like I was just a game
a fragile heart created for your play?

***** you
for leaving me blaming myself
***** you
for leaving me to worsen my own health.

And I know it's unfair for me to blame you.
You were young too
and I know you didn't know what on earth to do
about the days that my heart was soaking more in black than blue.

But I think that it was you
that handed me the dye.
You brought back the hate
and allowed me paint
the black abyss
in which
I sunk deeper
with all your lies.

And you try to come back
just when I've creawled out
like a slap
to the face,
a silent shout
into the void,
the abyss, a vaccuum
muting all noise.

And thank goodness for that.
the silence
because you can't take back
all of your lies
and I can't take
any more of your bull
I looked back on some poems I wrote about you... all I have left to say today is ***** you.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2016
You are safety
That I'm happy to steal.
If it makes me a thief,
send me to hell.
Because I know with you
No matter what hell I'm going through,
I'll have love on my side
Urging me to "go and do."
And I trust you can tell
That this is going so dang well.
And it's unreal
How awestrikingly wonderful you make me feel.
I'm full of wonder at you my dear
How I got so lucky here...
And I know that you will carry me
(When necessary)
Because for you and me,
Heaven is waiting.

And I'm looking forward to the journey
I love you more than everything
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
Fears created by years and years of trauma and abuse and manipulation. Triggered by the smallest thing.
I’m sorry.
564 · Dec 2014
Why is there no one here
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
I am only ever
pinned after
from hundreds of miles away.
And that doesn't seem fair today.

but what ever is anyway?
564 · Jul 2015
Letting go sucks.
Makenzie Marie Jul 2015
It's bittersweet,
whatever this is that I'm tasting
as I wave goodbye to the good times
and the bad, and the lies;
I say goodbye to the tears I've cried,
and let go.
And I struggle to release
because I've been holding on so tight that my hands are cramping
and it's like
I lost the muscle memory,
like I've been grasping on to the idea of us for so long
that no part of me knows how to forget the lyrics of our songs,
that every inch of me just wants to keep holding on.
But I'll keep forcing myself to let go
because I know
it's better for both of us if I go...
557 · Dec 2018
I only want you happy.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2018
Why is you feeling bad or guilty
Paramount to me feeling
like you don’t care about me?

Even for a moment
Even when it’s insignificant

(Pleasesupportme)

But I will swallow my pain
As always, again.

I will choke on my anxiety
So you can never say “you hurt me”

Those words break me
More than anxious thoughts screaming.

I will learn to conquer my anxiety
so that I can bring you peace.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Most of the time
it's a four letter word
that you want to avoid.
But this one is different
in so many ways.
It's longer--
in the pangs of pain it leaves...
That pain lasts longer than any butterflies.
Because butterflies come in the beginning,
and no sooner than this word is spoken
their wings are broken
leaving them unwilling and unable to fly.
And the pain you feel,
the pit in your stomach,
and the cloudy darkness in your eyes,
is how this word leaves them to die.
It's the "hell" in hello
(and there's no good part of it,
despite what you've heard.
What does that even mean, parting on "good terms"?).
I mean,
sometimes it's what you need--
this ***** word--
it's sometimes necessary.
But even fragile butterflies' wings
need provocation
to be broken
the glass won't shatter
with simple words unspoken,
or their beauty being forgotten.
Their crystalline glass has to crack
before it meets the breaking point.
But maybe it's best, sometimes, leaving things unsaid.
Maybe it's better
pretending that your heart hasn't bled
for the death
of those beautiful creations.
Maybe all can be well,
not tainting your hello
by dragging it through the muddy waters of hell.
But maybe attempting that
is diving straight into the deep end
damning yourself to all but drown
in that personal
pool of hell....
But maybe once this word is uttered,
you're damning some part of yourself as well
letting go of what once was so special.
And maybe that's why it's a ***** word.
maybe that's why it'd be better
if it were only four letters.
Because this word darkens skies,
and kills butterflies.
It breaks hearts
and diminishes the light
in Innocent's eyes.
This word ends hope
of new beginnings,
or anything close to extra innings.
This word reminds you you've lost the game.
This word finalizes the score,
no matter how much you might want more
time
or conversations,
or butterfly wings.
This word is a light switch,
but it only reads "off."

so say
g̶o̶o̶d̶bye                                              ­    
to the lights
the "maybe"s
the  "someday we might"s
and the butterflies.
Those butterflies died when we uttered goodbye.
555 · Dec 2015
1:57am
Makenzie Marie Dec 2015
Fasten your seatbelt
Tuck your baggage away
And in case of emergency
follow steps A, B, and C
in that pamphlet nobody reads.

Was there an "in case of" pamphlet I didn't bother to see?
Like in case you have to say goodbye, follow steps x, y, and z?

Why doesn't love come with a warning label? Like if you remove part A, part B will not run as efficiently.

Today I boarded a plane
And I flew away (from you)
Which is the same thing.
Because we're two parts of a whole and nothing is whole When its parts are apart.

I can try to self deceive
Repeating that you're just right here down the hall and when I wake up in the morning it'll be to you jumping on my bed and literally dragging me out of it.

But I know that you're days away and that's a hard thing to know because I know you. (And I love you.)

And now I'm lying in bed trying to figure out how long "soon" is and how to measure the distance between now and "later" when I see you again.
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