Now that you are asleep dear I can think clearly about us.
The two people that we were, we are, and that we are becoming;
And while sometimes it terrifies me right now it merely brings a small smile to my face.
Because we are still here. Together. After nearly a two years and a half. The longest I have stayed by someone's side like this.
Bridging the gap between friends and lovers, and I think I could stay like this for years to come if only the stars will smile upon us.
But just like the stars I will wander, and because of that I worry when you call me your world. I have never wanted to be someone's world - especially not after seeing what can happen to someone who builds their universe around another whom they might eventually come to lose.
I do not want to be your galaxy, or your world, or your everything because…
Darling, my darling, my dear..
Your world is not a single people or even three.. Your world is everything you make it to be. It is everything you have ever done. Everything you will do. It is every song you sing. Every game you play. Every word you speak. And every life you touch and change.
I am just a small - though I'd like to believe important - piece to that vast and still growing space.
And, dear one. Though I know you would stand against this, I know that in the end I am just as replaceable as everyone on this Earth within your life. And though you may not understand that makes what we have all the sweeter for me. Because I don't long for forever anymore. Just for now and however long now can last.. If it's the rest of our lives then I'll rejoice, but if not I'm glad to have l retaught you what it means like to fall fast. To fall fast into love.
I hope I never have to teach you what it means to fall out of love like a thunderstorm beating it's refrain against our hearts.. but if I ever do just remember that just as I filled parts of a void left in your life by another special someone, another sweet human will come along to remind you what it means to smile again.
But they will not pick up your shards because my darling you are not glass. You are a will and soul of iron. You may be dented and bent sometimes, but you will never be broken. That next person will warm your soul.. They will fill up a place which you thought was lost to someone of the past. Perhaps me. Perhaps another. Regardless they will fill it just as you will fill something in them, and the warmth will let you change again. In the end they will welcome you into the forge of their hearts and you will either come out dented again yet stronger for it or stronger still than that with a bit more of your old shape not sharpened into a steel of comfort. Either way you will grow..
Just keep growing. With me by your side. Lets grown together for now because we still have so much farther to go. Do not think of yourself as old. You are merely aging. No time has been wasted because we are all aging; and sometimes a 10 year old can be older than a 50 year old. Age is a number it is the experiences we have lived which give us our growth, and right now we are still in a stage where we can be so very naive like babes yet in the swaddling cloth. How else would we have though about forever in regards to two souls.
Despite this though. I wish to stand by you till the end of whatever we are. Until we can no longer shield, and guide, and care for one another. You have helped teach me to go from a place where I thought my body was all I could give as a token of care for another person to a place where I know my worth is more than what is written in my flesh.
So, my wolf... My Irish Lycanthrope.. Do not call me or make me your moon or your world.. Just allow me to be another treasured piece of the life you are building knowing that though you can live on without me.. You don't want to for now.
Just let me stand by your side, and that will be enough for however long the fates have appointed to us.
a question troubles, island’s peace is lost,
“am i who i am?” eager land inquires.
disturbed, the once serene and calm water,
enraged waves sent off, crashing onto shore.
the answer that you seek i cannot speak,
straightforward answers, never meant to please.
a storm threatens a downpour of yes, no,
confusion flooded, train of thought submerged.
surveying islands, bird’s eye takes the view,
clouds fleet along, marveling at it all:
a lake, a river, waterfalls of hope,
a hill, a valley, mountains of regret,
grown with experience, plants and trees stand,
learning through challenges, animals flock.
“what an amazing sight!” wind blows soft breeze,
“what an amazing mind!” whistles the bird.
land and water, both finally, calmed down,
resolves to address the troubling question:
“am i who i am?” echoes the island.
wind and ocean answers in unison:
“a tiny plot of land, blessed by the gods,
but with one’s hands, an island has emerged."
a limp body
carried in broken arms
to a funeral pyre
hidden in the woods
drowning in the perception
life flows out
and seeps in
healing in unfettered
exhaustion bleeds thought
cracks fuse invisibly strong
still feeling both less
yet more, somehow
pyre lays unlit
as the heart dreams ablaze
in lost memories
of a life not yet lived
one without the other
breathing in all the nothing
looking for the only thing
not knowing what or where
but the when is now
as wood sits on the ashes
of what came before
in the jolt of drowning
on overflowed tears
it flows out of each
and into the other
accidental truth is never an accident
too tired to continue
it was found where it lay sleeping
patient and blind
sprouts into the best
of unseen possibilities
the day you carried me in silence
Do you ever feel your soul
Surging through you?
Energy rushing through every limb
Making you leap to your feet
Unsure of your intended destinations.
But a little bit lost too.
We feel a need,
A fire in us as we
Pour ourselves into the universe.
Because we might implode otherwise.
We have our own worlds
inside of us
But they are meant to intertwine,
And become even more beautiful
Than any one of us could have imagined.
I think what troubles me the most is how different we three are
Sure, we look alike, talk alike, but that's just because of our DNA
We share that. We share our laughs.
But those are symptoms. What we really share is our origin
But how far away have we grown from that place?
Or how have we failed to grow?
When we were younger, we'd sing songs written by men called Matt
About how they'd struggle with forward motion, we all struggle with forward motion
But did any of us really struggle?
I can attest to my struggles. They are many and so very arduous.
You've never been in the house with the monster this long;
Neither of you have
The middle is a good place to start. And the middle finds us at the start.
Middle, you never left from where we all began. Something stunted you
And you never even made it to the second stage
We left you there in the first, knowing that it's impossible to
make someone do that which they don't want to do.
So we up and left you
And you, the oldest, here you are. You have no idea how much I looked up to you!
But now I look to my left and see you, still at that second stage
The one I left a few years ago
I still held up small hopes that one day you'd leave that stage like I did
But then you started dating a girl from a strict Baptist church
With stricter parents
You and she sneak around to give each other kisses and maybe get to second base
But you are cemented, old friend, in this conventional wisdom
At least you got that far
I always wanted to take you with me. I always thought we'd be on the same side forever
But while I've realized that there are no sides, you're still against me
So I silence myself so no one can hear me
Finally, me: Who I really am is someone no one in my immediate family has seen
And that's so goddamn heartbreaking and lonely
But it's this or they toss me to the sea
The way I think is dangerous. The way I talk is slanderous. What I believe is incredulous.
And yet I stand on the other side of this journey, incredulous at the way they are
My whole family, but especially my parents
You two are the two I still have to see from day to day
In the mornings and the evenings, I see you
And you slam liberals
Unbeknownst to you, I stand there, shameless but broken, like a vase that shatters
And reconstitutes itself every day, only to be shattered again tomorrow
And have no one notice it
I'm lucky enough to have any ally, but I can't count you and dad as one of them
I've tried so hard to learn how to communicate with you without showing
Everything about me
I can make you laugh again. I can make you smile! We can joke and sing again!
I've tried so hard to make peace with you because you are my mother
And I will always support you
Obviously, I've saved the worst for last; my father, I can't count the times
You've brought me to tears without you even having realized
The words you said hurt me
You and me? We're men. We don't cry. Fuck, we don't have emotions.
And you don't have to tell me that's the way it is
You just have to consistently not show any emotions for 19 goddamn years
And then I'll understand.
And how I understand, father! How I know that I can't talk to you about "being a lib"
How I can't tell you anything about my art because I’m too honest in it
How my heart aches as you attack it with long, pointy spears
How did we get here? How have you gone this long without knowing who I am?
How have none of you understood that my Calvinist ex-girlfriend broke up with me
Because I supported gay people?
Am I that good at living a lie? Am I that good at hiding myself from you?
Once this goes on the internet, I suppose it's free game
But I'm betting on you to all struggle with forward motion
Last night I showed one of you a blog post of mine, and you enjoyed it.
I talked about a safe topic: grammar, one of the few things that I’m passionate about
That I can still talk about.
This is the cost of growth: following the intrinsic DNA of the universe
And leaving behind those who can't follow it with you
No matter how close they are to you
Regardless of whether or not you've spent two years or five years
Or your entire goddamn life building relationships with these people, you must grow!
And that involves making peace
God, be real and help me do that.
if ever there were
gods or goddesses of desert
of the drylands
of parched earth some call home
they would be surprised to learn
of the miracle of
this Spring deluge
from deep within
the crusty dermis
of this sublunar territory:
hydrangea and Sodom apple flower,
intermingling their hues
of mauve and lilacs,
as well as the color of sky
blooms of the succulents
in celebratory dance
in wild fuschia
a dazzling botanic trance
hollyhocks of magenta,
veils of bougainvellia, too
curling in the trellis
weaving heavy-scented magic
through and through
a private orchard of lemon tree, and apple
olive and pistachio grove
One would not guess
the endless giving
of this desert treasure trove
And I feel like a goddess
of mythology softly spun
like Demeter, or Ceres
ancient Egyptian Renenutet
my hands spread out
in the licks of gentle sun
for as spring pours forth its honey
all through this barren land
I , too reawake
and flush out all the infected,
I welcome in
the waters of abundance,
of love, of light under stars
let new energy wash out
my radiance spilling far
Reaching out unto the Universe,
cradling this heart
I cup the buds of blooms,
to inseminate my dark
to release the past
and seed within me, lit
Don't forget the goal.
True love is powerful and not to be taken lightly.
It's hard to reveal your all to a complete stranger without assurance.
To be fully accepted, to hold to have in complete comfort.
Don't let go of the way your heart beats.
Let it flourish, grow from the stem and fill the petals with something wholesome.
Dreams are built within dreams.
The thought that leads to action.
Take the reigns.
The stem only knows to grow.
Provided with enough sun.
Dispite whatever obstacle.
It grows over, it grows through even under.
It takes form and even grows with a bend.
Covered in sheets spread and enveloped in the bud of petals.
In arms reach of each other.
Through sickness and in health,
In perfect communication.
Through dirt, through the mud
Not only in bad weather but the days where the sun shines its brightest.
With thorns to protect,
It feeds the nature of balance which stimulates more growth.
Never forget the goal
i’m a thousand miles away.
breathe in deep. let it out.
flowing out of my vocal chords
fall on deaf ears,
they fall on Nothingness.
breathe in deep. let it out.
i’m on another planet
in another solar system.
breathe in deep. let it out.
and i’ve never even seen
i’ve never even seen
breathe in deep. let it out.
i’m getting there,
i promise i am.
breathe in deep.
i think i’m on saturn,
or maybe neptune.
i can see earth
in the distance.
sometimes when i shout
i can tell that people
are trying to listen to me.
maybe i’m the one
who’s Stopping them.
Let It Out.
i am Better.
this is what home
is supposed to feel like,
this is My earth.
i am here, and i am
describing every inch of my journey
in words that spilled out of my fingers
and out of my veins
in less than five minutes.
here i am,
my first time on the planet,
giving you my deepest secrets
and my worst recoveries
and my reasons for being who i am
in the only way i know how,
and expecting Nothing in return.
you can hear me.
and you’re Listening.