The counted sheep
Have become closer to me
Than you are
As far away as can be
In our full sized bed
That you persuaded me
Was just right for a couple
As in love as we.
And now I am left
The sheep and me
In a full sized bed
With an un-full heart
And not Un-married.
My ex-wife comes by
And gives me a hug,
But she immediately heads out
To have coffee with a friend
Living in the Building
Who is "much more important"
Than I am.
So, the relationship is polite.
On the the surface,
There is no bitterness.
But my Divorce was a massive waste of money.
For a status conscious women,
Throwing money down the toilet
Is much cheaper
She never finishes a conversation.
I tried to be independent.
I tried to be self-reliant.
I tried to avoid
I tried to exist
Without the affirmation
Of any sense of community,
But I became fearful,
When I went into "Survival Mode",
Full of Hate!
And now it strikes
Like the first blizzard
After the last unexpected melt
From the last blizzard
I waited so long with only one
Single crystalline wish
For it finally to be over
But now that it is
I find myself with nothing
Apparent to look forward to
And long for the days
When I still missed you
I blocked his number today.
Fuck- that was hard for me.
He never harmed me in anyway.
I just can’t do this anymore.
The back and forth.
The random and in between text messages.
We are both divorced. Both hurt. Both struggling. But you’re still stuck in the past.
You tell me you’re here and I run down the stairwell so excited. I have to stand on my tippy toes to hug you.
We get in the elevator. I touch your chest and tell you that your shirt looks nice. You put your arms around me and hold me. It’s been a long time.
We sit on the couch. Here I am. Naked. I’m vulnerable. No makeup. Acne. No bra. Pajamas. You pull me on your lap and kiss me.
You changed your earrings?
I’m shocked you remember small details.
You’re special to me.
He pulls me in close into his neck and I begin to cry. That’s all I do now. He can’t sleep at night either and he knows I’m broken. He doesn't try anything because he knows I’m fucked up.
You know I’m not ready.
You massage my head and watch Netflix. I look at your eyes and you're zoned out. Maybe you live in an alternate universe in your head as well. Maybe that’s why I can’t let you go. You’re broken like me and it’s so fucking beautiful. You’re so fucking beautiful.
I blocked your number.
I need to heal and I’m sorry it can’t be with you.
I always ran from everyone
Thought love was just a myth
Then you walked into my life
And set my marriage adrift
Yes we were rocky, yes we were on bad ground
But you came into my life and ruined what you found
Is it because you’re selfish or have a need to destroy?
Or is it out of jealousy and I was just your toy?
I hate people who cheat I think it’s so unnecessary
So my opinion of myself isn’t low it’s actually very very
I didn’t know what was happening, you swept me off my feet
Speaking about our future, obligations you’d never meet.
I fell in love so quickly & deep
So many promises you never intended to keep.
I think you wanted to ruin a life to make yourself feel better
You made a mess of yours which is why Tara wrote the letter.
I wonder if you are aware of the damage that you’ve done
I wonder if you actually care to you it’s probably just fun
I know that I have to shoulder some blame - I’m not an innocent in this,
But Lee you manipulated me right from the start & bewitched me with a kiss.
The blame I have taken and I’m paying for it now
The hurt & the pain caused by breaking my vow
He is so angry, betrayed and confused
And now both of you have left me battered & bruised.
I know what I did was wrong, I wanted to be with you
But I was stuck in purgatory because you couldn’t be true
I didn’t know whether to give up on my dream
When we were together Lee we made an awesome team.
I decided to give you a chance to prove that I was the one for you,
Your actions then told me what I needed to know - you took the opportunity to screw
So many women when you said you’d wait for me
I couldn’t risk leaving him if faithful you wouldn’t be.
So now I’ve left you, I’ve walked away
It’s not like you made any attempt to make me stay
You’ve broken my soul and all feelings for Mr. B
Whether him & I still have a future, I’ll have to wait & see.
I have told him he deserves better than me, I’m a poor excuse for a wife
I’m a co-dependant empath who got wrapped up in another life
Only someone trapped & abused would understand how I fell for Lee
He listened to my woes & pretended to be a man he’ll never be.