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aubrey 7h
i never thought id be
here
happier
recovered
healthier
there are still days when i
reconsider
become fearful
make mistakes
but i promised myself
id never go back
to then.
recovery is hard but forever worth it
arin 10h
no longer a poet
or a muse / simply
an inoperable tumor
/party tattoos and
crushed cigarettes
one/ done / fast /repeat
i'm cold and tired
#ed
Patroclus Sep 18
Crafty, they say, He's getting crafty
crafty with my lies and my made-up meals
crafty with my sound-blocking tactics
crafty with hiding the burning lines of white and red.
Baking, they say, He's getting into baking
baking my binges
baking my restriction
baking my omad
baking my sad-looking low-cal low-fat low-sugar low-carb high-protein
'meal'.
Crochet, they say, He's getting into crochet
crocheting ankle warmers to make my legs look skinny
half-finger gloves in an attempt to curb the permafrost that has begun to
knit itself around my bones.
Healthy, they say, He's getting healthy
as i workout until i faint
and do sit-ups until i have bruises on my spine.
fruit and veg and vitamins take priority
and suddenly i have taken an interest in running.
little rant about my ed
- Patroclus
Patroclus Sep 18
ana
they can't see, they can't see
that it coats my bones, bulges against my skin;
those little yellow bubbles
that make me want to give in.
Yemaya Jul 14
Each pound gained
my stake in 'pretty' waned
in societies tiny frame
of what's pretty
and what is shamed.
Sometimes I convince myself my worth is based on the scale, but if I lost twenty pounds that would not make me twenty pounds 'prettier', and appearance does not define you.
Anne Mar 3
I miss the beautiful sadness.
The tears tasted like cream,
Fears turned me pale.
A quiet sadness.

I was so pretty,
Smaller every second,
Floating away in tenderness.
A whisper,
Then silence.
What more could I ask for?

And now I’m more.
Taking up more space,
Filling more holes.
I’m too much.

Now this..
ugly sadness.
One where I grow
instead of shrink.
My face is pinker,
My stomach splits at the seems,
tears taste like *****.

If I go,
It will not be a whimper,
But a scream.
Rawly honest,
and rancid.

Still,
I think I’d rather be
a beautiful lie.
mae Feb 24
Someday my bones will protrude,
pushing up like daisies across the fields of my skin,
because I have died over and over,
every day I died,
and this one last time I will be beautiful and sunken in,
and this last time Ana will have controlled me;
when Ana said she wanted me dead,
I knew she would someday make it happen.
Because I cannot afford to be saved,
someday I will be the one the funeral is for.
#ed
coqueta Feb 11
Girls as sweet as cream, as pastries
wispy, airy, baby fairy
Weeping girls with their lovely flushed cheeks
I stand before you and my knees grow weak
I stand before you, and my soul grows meek
Do you see my heart shatter like a dropped antique?
Cuz I’m small, but not dainty
Small, not faint of heart
too loud, too much, not enough and I know
You’d much better love a girl as sweet as apple ****
Cuz how can I be your Ophelia when my tragedy isn’t piteous?
and how could I be worth loving
if my body is so, so hideous?
Or if my lips aren’t kissable? My heart not worth devouring?
What beauty does a young girl have if she’s not worth deflowering?
The delicate fragility of white girlhood feels so unattainable, and yet, I long to be seen as desirable in the way they are.
giovanna Jan 3
Em frente do espelho
Em um surto de lucidez, penso
O que foi que eu fiz com meu corpo?
Ele era tão saudável
Mas eu não me amava antes
E também não me amo agora

Eu lembro de desejar a todo custo
“Emagrecer até morrer”
E é essa frase que corre em minha mente
Quando eu sinto minha visão escurecer
Eu lentamente estou morrendo

Em frente ao espelho, me pergunto
Se era essa a minha vontade
então por que eu estou tão assustada?
The scariest part of any eating disorder is the true belief you have control, that all the restricting and exercising is just a normal part of weight loss. Till one day the realization hits the realization being that you in fact are not in control of your thoughts or actions. Now, whether it be by the words of someone else or your own inner thought. A carefully constructed facade of control comes crumbling down as you try desperately to pick up the pieces and put it back together, but the knowledge is too much to forget. From then on you have to live with that knowledge and all the things that come with an eating disorder.
Idk if this applies to every ed but I’m anorexic and it took me almost a year to realize it
#ed
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