Death is what I crave from time to time, when I see the fat on my body.
I look and think the amount is ungodly.
I want to be thinner so I skip all my dinners ‘til I become lightheaded and weak, but if you ask me I won’t say,  because I thinner body I seek.
Swells Jun 9
how far have i gone
to collect these uncomfortable bones
whose aching shakes in my skin
like a hungry hound tied to an empty home.

how many blues have i sown
and harvested from each vein
that failed to bleed red, but screamed
"what are you going to gain?"
and crumbled instead.

how many homes have i burned
that nursed me from fetus in my mind
taking stock of careful crutches
while choking on the smoke
in my lies.

how many words have rotted
and blackened like berries on my tongue
that left the god grown belly trembling for
mercy, and the heart begging
"when is it going to be enough?"
Swells Jul 3
i plunder through swollen sky,
cursed by the air surrounding,
coddled and heated at the pyre
with a stale fist to the stomach
like a sacrificial cow before a feast;
i gather at the table and dine
with serpents at the altar
before the King.

scraped from the plate,
cast into a sack,
and handed 209 pills
i become the Queen of Blue
enrobed in hospital-white flesh
commanding Father to kiss at my feet;
i grow tired of these things and
let the stagnancy seep.

my memoirs crown like
multifaceted gems emerging
from a fatherless Mother
gripped at the neck by some
heretic proclaiming about prodigy
and the people applaud at my feat;
i shake hands with the devil
and go back to sleep.

i slumber across the Atlantic
where i can hear your voice
breaking at the shores, calling
for a revelation in me,
oh!  for the love of God--!
the current worries and swallows
me whole like a crook in need
of a baptizing.
Swells Jul 6
the bones were hard to give up,
they pushed out like daisies
caressed under the hounding
heat of a copper sun.
unbridled and undried they bore
zealous arrogance of themselves,
petals dripping vulgar convictions
and vibrating like awful angels.

under cruel devices they tried to
soften my bones and mold thick skull
constructed of lackluster candles
on their last flame.
days passed like doctors and white nurses
examining old wires that pray tell
the routines, the stools, the teeth.
i am their Jesus, their Lazarus.

my hearse, my sheep keeper,
my pretty things,
i become the acrobat at the
finale, the last supper,
supplementing at the teat of my
recovery. i lay my skin down for all
of you to see:  here is my breast!
my toad belly!  my glass feet!
Kendall 5d
I think it’s happening again
I really hope that I’m wrong that I’m making it up that it’s all in my, head.
  I know where this road leads and it’s called depression
   From there, it’s my restriction with Ana
    I’m already freaking out. I don’t want to
     Go back down this road but it looks to be my only path
       I just feel like I’m f
                 ­                             l
                                  ­              i
                                                 ­ n
                                                     g apart.
Sadness, pain, guilt.
Why am I still not good enough?
I'm trying to be tough,
But you can't leave my mind.
I'm tearing my heart into pieces
At the thought of you.
I felt so happy knowing someone finally liked me back,
But of course,
The feeling left the moment I got your text.
We broke up and we weren't even dating.
How pathetic I felt,
Melting into my sweater,
Blood on my shoulder,  
Tears on my cheek.
Alone, fat, ugly, rejected.
This could have all been prevented
If I was happy,
If I was skinny,
If I was pretty.
I just wish I hadn't fell for you already
my favorite sport is dying twice
Eleanor Jun 29
no outside
no easy life
"no trouble, babe"
heaven kept you this way
your bones are brittle
your blood up and down
your hair thinning badly
and your smile falling to a frown
I'll wait for our reunion
a kiss upon your mouth
tell me that you're certain
tell me that you'll be around
To the girl in the residential eating disorder hospital I can't stop thinking about
Ana Butterfly Jun 28
Pretty petty perfection,
Looking at my reflection,
Wishing for any form of validation
That my suffering means something.
My body burning, aching
From last nights purging.
Oh how much worse it could have been.
Weighing myself 5 times a day,
Going out of my way to seek attention
That I so desperately want,
While not wanting it at the same time.
People judge,
But they do not see.
They don't see what's behind the suffering.
They don't see the burning and cutting
On my body.
They do not see me obsessing over every calorie.
They do not see me crying myself to sleep every night.
They don't see me holding on to everyone tight,
In hopes that maybe they won't leave
Maybe it's a way of feeling better about myself,
To see how well I can hide so much pain,
But it's better to hide the mess in a closet
To appear clean
im sorry, I know it's bad
Belle Jun 25
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when all i've eaten today was my own fingernails and a smoothie
but i want that god damn cupcake---
when i eat it though i dont even enjoy it, i force myself into hating treats so that i dont win.
so i take a bite and i just want to cry
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when no other treatment center will accept me anymore
and my insurance barely covers me because they're so fed up
i've left AMA twice and have been kicked out three times
now it seems im about to go to my seventh round of residential and people are saying i have control over it
"the eating disorder is not a separate entity" they say
then why do i want to eat but i'm literally being forced not to
then why do i want to say sorry to everyone i've hurt and every person i said "im not eating" to that has just wanted to help me, but the eating disorder tells me to focus on myself
then i must be the dissappointment,
then i must be a shitty person
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i want to go home and just be with my mom
when i'm scared my dog is starting to like my mom more than me and it makes me want to crumble in agony everytime he follows her and not me, and won't sleep on my bed anymore any time im home. because all ive done to him was leave him for treatment
i understand if he hates me
don't tell me it's going to be okay
if all i want to do is isolate
and nap
and cry
and cut everyone out of my life,
even the ones i love dearest
dont tell me it's going to be okay
when i see my weight go up not even a pound
and i want to rip my skin off
and throw myself in front of a moving vehicle
not quite die but feel the pain i believe i deserve after gaining
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i THRIVE off the look people give me when i say i havent eaten all day
or have thoughts of harming myself
and everytime someone says "gee you look sick"
i feel like im doing something right
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i couldnt even get through a semester of college
without nearly dying
and am supposed to be going into my junior year but i've only got enough credits to be a first semester freshman
im a failure in all aspects
don't tell me it's going to be okay
because it wont be.
Kendall Jun 6
Rules are meant to be followed.
Work is meant to be done.
With work and rules and P R O P E R discipline there
W I L L be results.
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