karen carpenter died of anorexia complications. I'd actually be dead right now if no one was stopping me, I literally have a disease that is trying to **** me. Like I'd just decide to not eat, that's like someone refusing to drink water, that they need, to live, so they just ******* die. How weak am I? Even with no intention of actually dying, my mom sits in the rocking seat in my room, making sure I eat my dinner, because I already hid my "first" dinner in an empty tea bottle and hid it in a purse in my closet. She's used to it now. Enough treatment at the Emily Program to know, know that I didn't eat. She's so worried she had to start taking anti-anxiety meds because she can't sleep. Sounds tragic, but you learn to live with it, and after awhile it doesn't seem that bad or different anymore. Everything we don't know scares us, but we've been here before, we own nothing and everything and we've been here before. No matter cannot be created or destroyed...that's all I'm saying. Maybe if my parents raised me in religion, I wouldn't be so scared of death and knowing nothing comes out of life. Charlie Brown christmas is playing. Life is beautiful, I have a safe space in my room. Charlie Brown Christmas reminds my dad of his childhood, and his loving, restrictive, purging, depressed, anxious mom dying. First Christmas without Grandma. My other Grandma is sick, and oh, my, this is going to be hard. Imagine my mom's grief. Sometimes my stomach is so empty, my heart feels weak, and my lungs shallow breathing, it feels like I could pass out. I need to get to sleep. Goodnight.
Come back to the laguna and visit my fairy punk girl sluty mind again tomorrow! We are serving tea, but not the kind that's mean. Only good stuff, funny stuff. That's good.