I'm trapped Food mapped out No way out Am I losing my mind? How will I find a way out of this bind? Out of this mess of a mind No hope for the chains to be released This is my way to cope with the pains, they never cease I need a solution Too much pollution clogging the pathways in this brain I need a new way forward A way to feel sane But for now I'm trapped no need to complain -- I did this to myself no need to compalin -- it's time to get help and start helping myself
a poem I wrote from the writing prompt: "my ED is ..."
I said goodbye to Mia back in 2018 But it'd be a lie to say I haven't visit her since. She accompanies me every once in awhile Bent over the sink or splayed out on the tile. And when she's not here Ana follows near Picking and coercing me to fear the meals I've always enjoyed and loved. Oh how I miss having company When I eat alone my mind roams miserably Convincing myself each bite is gluttony. The joy of eating a distant memory.
That ragged uncovering of bones and peaks and ridges that crop up along my spine and shoulders.
My scapulas revealing themselves like the bed of a lake as the waters recede.
Indents beside and under my kneecaps, hollows that match the ones slowly sinking themselves back into my cheeks.
And the hipbones…the things I truly crave to see through the paper thin layer of my skin…
Those…I’d starve myself to waifish proportions just to graze my hands along the mountaintops of those things, those sharp little things.
I lose my hair and my colour and my shine just to dig my fingers into the hardness of my breastbone, just to know that my jawbone is an overhang, just to plunge headfirst into the thrill of being thin.
“The Wasting” and I are friends, and I want to drown in her.
Pink athletic shorts Bursting at the seams With all this new body Hips and waist and *** You said “It’s about time to retire those don’t you think?” 2 months later They hang loosely past my hip bones Hiding the body that dissolved The person who is no longer there And I’m glad I kept them So they could swallow me whole
I knew what was happening, what I was doing to my continually developing body. Slowly withering away in front of my mirror. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. Blinded by the clouds of insecurity bent upon me by the words of others as well as my own conscience. Drugs may not have my high of choice, but addiction crept into my life nonetheless. Addicted to an empty stomach Addicted to that lightheaded feeling I’d get when I stood up right before I passed out Addicted to compliments I’d never heard about me Addicted to my bones sticking out Addicted to 0 calorie energy drinks Addicted to anorexia
Taking back control of my life My food is mine I don’t need to weigh myself twice Don’t get me wrong I’m still not fine But I’m a lot better Eighty-nine pounds was my low Let me be a trendsetter Just take it slow One day at a time Don’t let that voice take over It’s an uphill climb It’s not a four leaf clover It’ll take tears Maybe years Not unscathed but you’ll get through Take it from from me it’s true
18 pounds ago I was at my low. It’s been almost exactly a year since I was there. A year since I decided that I didn’t like fainting when I stood up and wearing baggy clothes. It didn’t happen overnight and I’m not going to lie to you and say that I never wish I was still that thin but the price it came with was too high. The price of not only muscles being stripped away but also my joy