If I were not in an
beauty pageant, where the girls who were
fainting on stage were
and the girls like me
were sliced and diced ,
where the girls who were
clinging onto their bones for life , won . . .
It would feel . . .
[I]l i g h e r .
All of the weights on my back ,
It would feel free.
For every bite over my limit
would not count as
another sit up added to 300.
I would see . . .
[I]less measuring tapes.
I would see people , and just that.
I would not look at everything with
on top of them ,
when I see food ,
no calories ,
when I see people ,
I would not look at everything and see numbers, and think about how it would
It would sound ,
oh how it would sound . . .
[I] q u i e t.
I would not be screamed at ,
by my best friend , Ana ,
I would not be shamed and
guilt tripped for
taking a step , or sitting the wrong way.
I could pick up the goddamn
without being criticized about how
my fingers are.
It would be . . .
because even though she has put me through
she is my best friend in the times
most needed .
She is the one who comforts me the best.
So even though I would see so much clearer ,
it would be a loss grieved.
And that ,
is the scariest thing about this disorder ,
the thing that tears you apart everyday of your
is the thing you just can not let go.
hey , its a long one but it is important to me.