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"Your hair will fall out"
"You'll faint and pass out"
"Why must you hurt yourself?"

I don't mean to, I swear
I try to recover
Each time I fail

Skin and bones are what I desire
At least that's what my mind tells me
As my body is starving, fading away

Recovery is hard
Relapse is familiar
My eating disorder is killing me
Feeling the urge to relapse, but writing about my struggles helps me stay strong.
Jane 7d
What is Perfect?

Hitting the 1800.
Remaining between the 400-600.
Using the 1/2 and the 1/4.
Because I will never be 1/1, fully complete.

What will define me? What can define my worthy?
In guarantee, undoubtedly.
Like an object, priced and tagged with money.
Value through digits, simple, observable.

How can someone know if art is worthy of display?
All beauty needs an audience.
Beauty in solitude, is wasted potential.
All beauty, needs, an audience.
How else can you differentiate average, from a masterpiece?

I want to be a masterpiece.
Perfect for every eye.

My eyes see perfect too.
In 1/4, in a 1/2, in a 1800.
In the symmetry of the X, and the curve of the S.
I am eXtra Small.
I am a 53.

Numbers are simple, precise and perfect.
They aren't beautiful, they simply are.
Beauty is abstract, it's grey.
I don't like grey, it's uncertain, unsure.

Grey has room for error.
Grey can't be controlled.

I don't have room for error.
I can only control.

I want to be undeniable.

Perfection, over all else.
Karijinbba Aug 26
My heart flat lined today.
No ICU needed.
it's the only way to go on.
Transformer Cimi Death my other name says my Mayan zodiac
birth chart and I go flat,
in a terrible amnesic shock.
when reality hits I no longer remember nor feel pain
I am sustained by a strange
heart rhythm beat.
I did it once before
very long time ago and
it worked for years.
phychogenic amnesia
There's no feeling no love
no hate no hope no dreams
no waiting for love to be real.
No bridal chambers no gold key
exists to open this gold lock.
My cave of wonders is sealed.
In essence it's another
kind of passing on.
I need it here,
not to stay flat on line.
By: KArijinbba
uselace Jul 18
Maybe I'm just not meant to be small
or light
Maybe I'll forever exist outside of
what i have been taught is "beautiful"
Maybe some day I'll accept this
not today, maybe not for a while, but
I look forward to that day.
Iris Naustdal Jul 15
It has been a while since I have written here

My poems were dark and full of despair

Now I need to declare.

I was very sick,
I didn’t have much of a personality

My body was giving up,
and my mind was full of anxiety

I needed time and help,
to heal my head and heart

It may be a bit silly,
but I can finally say that I can add chocolate to my shopping cart.
Elliana Jul 9

As I stand there with the end of my toothbrush sitting on my lips
I think to myself,
“But if I just did it once no one would know”
And I could feel the satisfaction of an empty stomach;
The walls of it clinging to my ribs.
If I just did it once,
I could see if it works.
If it would allow me to look into the mirror
And not hate the girl who stares back at me.
Her stretch marks growing larger and darker
Though she doesn't know why,
Because she can barely bring herself to eat one meal a day.
What's stopping this fragile, broken girl from ending her pain,
And finally being happy
With who she sees in the mirror.
What's stopping her from finally being able to please her mother
Who groans and stares
When she goes back for a second plate of food.
What's stopping her from fitting the beauty standard,
And being loved and praised by all who see her.

But for some reason
Even eating practically nothing everyday
Does not change the girl she sees looking back at her;
Watching the numbers on the scale go up
As her happiness rapidly declines.
And seeing the look in her mothers eyes
As she wonders why you're eating everything
Yet nothing all at the same time.
alexis Jun 23
i hang my head over the cool white surface
gazing at last hours lunch.
my stomach hurts.

i hang my head over the cool white surface, washing away my pain
and remmenants i couldn’t flush away.
my teeth ache.  

i stare at my reflection:
short cropped hair,
almost beautifully defined cheekbones,
red eyes that feel hallowed.
my throat aches.

i turn to the cool white surface,
a colourful mosaic of food i can name
on all of my fingers
and notes from my daily logs.
i ache for the number on the scale
to drop once more.
23 juin 2021
04:34 am
marie Jun 13
everything changed when i started dancing instead of running to burn calories.
Eliza Jun 9
Seemingly so positive,
Yet so harmful.

“You’re so small!”
They say,
Like handing me a medal.

Words that will bounce around in my brain,
Words that will shape my mind forever,
Words that I will never let go of.

I have to keep this medal.
Maria May 31
"It's not that bad,
I tastes good, I swear"
It was cold, and bitter, and vile
Yet I still ordered it
Like a magical elixr
Of momentary freedom
From the wires of guilt
Welded into my neural pathways
Just enough-
To not cause suspicion
But not so much
That I'd collapse
Strong enough
To make me jittery,
Anxious, nauseated,
But still incomparable
To the unspeakable sin
Of sustenance,
So when I saw stars standing up,
Or buckled over at the knees,
And wondered why
It was even worth it?
I'd come to the same conclusion
And it was this:
It doesn't matter anyways
Because I'll never
Be able
To stop.
Haven't had an iced americano in three months, if that means something to someone ;) Moral of the story: life's too short to not drink oatmilk lattes.
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