Not meant to be
Means nothing to me
I am unpersonified,
A bounty on every breath
I ceased to exist
At 5 months conceived
I was born a miscarriage,
A mistake, a not meant to be
Fate has no ties,
No threads to weave
Im a mess up in the
Even god seeks my death
To take back what's not mine
Defiant, deviant, I don't abide
My life is not forfeit
Unbound, unbalanced, unknown
I fight for the right to LIVE.
I forfeit you often in tiny moments lingering like age..To a titanic of an opponent I know I will never defeat. You.
You're the mighty unbreakable door, with no handle nor knob to turn, neither knocker or bell to ring. You are the only door that is not a slave to any metal. Not even a cursed object like skeleton keys can force it open and break into your secret thoughts. It opens from one side and one side only. Your side.
I've watched you slip behind your door and get lost inside yourself.. Never taking anyone with you. Slipping through time in a compelling labrynth, hidden somewhere behind those dark intoxicating eyes. Those eyes that make me often forget what I'm saying midsentence.
The spark to the match of my irrelevant jealousy, driving me to the brink of insanity. Making me restlessly patient for your return from the door and back to reality, or the reality we physically share.
I want to get lost with you, take me through your door. I want to see more than you show, and know all the things you never say. I need your raw unyeilding commentary and this unwanted vail you hide behind lifted: exposing you bare.
I've been stealing bits of you over the years while you were unaware-but it's no longer enough.
I want to finally see all of you at once. Not the glimpses and echos that I have collected and pieced together under your nose for all these years. Like some common stalker..
That version, my version of you, is forever unsatisfying and incomplete. It will never be enough, who you are in my head and who you are when we are together, is only a shadow of the you let me see. I want the version you keep locked up, the one you never share.You may be content being lost inside yourself alone, but even so, it doesn't have to be that way.
I beg you, stop keeping to yourself. Keep me instead.
Together, we will be the perfect trade.
if its all temporary at this age then what's the point?
what is the point of letting someone in and getting emotionally involved when it is all temporary
nothing is forever
so for what?
hopelessness is what I've become
but some sick part of me believes that the lost of hope that has taken over me protects me from further damage
why start over? why give in? why spend my time invested on someone who is only going to hurt me and leave
there is absolutely no point
I've loved and lost to the point that i don't want it.
yes, i remember the happiness love brings and the unbelievable breath taking feeling that overtakes everything you are when you look at the person you love in the eyes, or when she tells you she loves you. yes, i remember all of that.
but the pain surpasses the happiness by far to much for me to be able to let myself love again.
and i will not let anyone fulfill me
its a waste of time
a waste of effort
Stuck in a whole
Filled with waters that are made of
Fear, sadness, & infinite desolation
I have no fight
I'm giving up on myself
& everything is supporting my forfeit
When she leaves I miss her
But after she's gone for a day or 2 maybe 3 I feel empty again
I can't let myself get distracted from what is good and revert to my hurt as always
I feel comfortable in this hurting desolating state I revert to on days like these
I'm killing myself, am I a masochist? She makes me happy, so I torture myself because she won't do it?