on my high-rise roof
I notice you across the street on
your balcony seemingly aloof
listening to vintage Carly Simon
"... you say we can keep our love alive"
You stare my way and energetically waive
"Babe all I know is what I see"
I hesitate, smile and then return the gesture
"The couples cling and claw"
As if on cue you stand and press against the railing
"and drown in love's debris"
Still smiling as my heart beats faster
"... we'll soar like two birds through the clouds"
"What's your name?" you playfully cry out
"But soon you'll cage me on your shelf"
"Who wants to know?" is my surprising reply
"I'll never learn to be just me first by myself"
Suddenly flashbacks hijack my thinking
"... it's time we moved in together
and raised a family of our own, you and me"
Why is this happening? Why am I sinking?
"... that's the way I've always heard it should be
you want to marry me, we’ll marry"
I hear your beseeching, unintelligible shouts as I retreat
Painful memories open like an oubliette under my feet—
Lost and languishing in isolation's inner prison
© 2020 by Mark Toney. All rights reserved.
8/8/2020 - Poetry form: Narrative - Italicized lyrics from the song “That’s the Way I’ve Always heard It Should Be” (1971) written by Carly Simon and Jacob Brackman - © 2020 by Mark Toney. All rights reserved.
Where are the source of your thoughts
Contesting emotional triggers
Consider those eyelids to flicker
Additional context adds stress
As different paths stretch us apart
Sleep deep within these sheets
Another drill to overcome
The next hurdle and then some
Distracted by less with
small progressive steps
A learning tool for all
Dig away at the molehills
Digress with flexed biceps
Reminded to incorporate rest
(@PoeticTetra - instagram/twitter)
Confrontations of candor
Relentless ghosts whisper
“The devil is in the details”
Chemical haze; colored sands of stark contrast
I can’t seem to sift through
White knuckled grasping
It runs through my fingertips regardless
A heart stitched together with scar tissue
Thick, white lines etched carefully on thighs
If my heart grows
Will I find stretch marks there, too?
Silky smooth tracing
With bony fingertips
The birth of fresh skin cells
Each year more and more
Skin dissolves into dust from before
It runs through my fingertips regardless
The girl with the protruding rib cage
With fire just behind
Blue-green, ever-shifting eyes
She branded passion into her arms
With a lit cigarette
Eyes that only saw black or white
Torment suffered red
Pain inflicted blue
Fused into monochrome shades of slate
Digging up her grave
Clawing at the dirt and sand
Until blood runs down soft hands
Struggling to separate the two
Dry, dry sand
It slips through my fingertips regardless
who hurt you most
be muses to the soul
you be wearing
of an un-declaring
i realized lying down was useless
reading, i decided
could be a good escape
from this squeezing panic
but when i opened the book
i started to cry.
but it wasn't sad
i hadn't been sad
i don't know where these tears
are coming from
put the book back.
and lean against my bed
why does everything hurt lately?
i don't know what memories the book triggered, there was nothing in my head. the reasons behind my emotions have become so detached and distant lately
Really I am
I'm over it
I can talk about it without shedding a tear
I can move on without fear
Have I forgiven him?
We laugh and talk most times than not
The scars lay dormant
Then a whisper
The scars are scratched
I relive the nightmare
Then comes the shadow
Of pain and uncertainty
Thirst for peace and vengeance
It seems my demons follow me
And no matter how much I try
I can't escape them
For the triggers are my shadow
And they're never far behind.
Are you really over something if you still get triggers?
Absence is a strange occurence,
a shapeshifter manifesting
in the most trivial things.
A presence where there is none.
Something never entirely gone.
Fears created by years and years of trauma and abuse and manipulation. Triggered by the smallest thing.
I am exhausted.
Mentally and physically
Sore to the bone
And wanting sleep.
No work for me today
No care for my grades
I just want sleep
To make this exhaustion go away.