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SMS 3d
Almost there- but I can’t
wrap my tiny fingers
Around the top of my arm
Maybe in a week or so
Then come the thighs

Almost there- but I can’t
Wrap my two tiny hands
Around the top of my thighs
Maybe in a week or so
Then comes the waist

Sorry sorry Ana I know I’m slow
but I’ll get there
I’ll get there again
And again.
Cinching my hands smaller
Each time
Until I’m as small as my worth
Only way to be happy
Skyla Sep 15
Would you, If you could press reset?
You stole my heart, put it back in my chest
You hate me when I’m lifeless but I love my emptiness
I’m not the soul you once met
I just need to lay underneath the dirt and rest
All I see are silhouettes
Do you love me too much to forget
even in this mindset?
Or do you regret?

I don’t feel pretty, I feel scared

I wanna be your dolly, broken and impaired
Sad, skin and bone
In your arms I found a home
Made of glass and deeply fragile
You cradled me while I was in denial

Do you adore me, yet?

These handcuffs are tightening
Everything is frightening
I don’t feel the thunder but I feel the lightening

Just hold me, don’t scold me, I know that you worry, but I feel so lovely,
I’m lying, I’m dying, I hate that you’re crying, and you think i’m falling but I think I’m flying.  

You said that perfect don’t exist
Then why do I feel it in my emptiness?

You see my sadness and my brittle little head
   But you don’t see the gore or the bloodshed

I destroy you while I destroy myself
You don’t think I’m pretty anymore because I’ve destroyed my health

I  wanna be half, ‘cause I hate being whole
So I bow down to a porcelain bowl

You try to find my skin under the sheets
But you only find the swelling cuts and my bones, so you dig deeper underneath
But there’s nothing there.  Not even blood or muscle.  There’s absolutely nothing but air.  

And I know that’s not what you want to touch
And I’ve robbed you of the girl you loved
I’ve taken her place and I wear her face
and you miss her most, but for now all you have is her ghost.

You try to force life into the ghost of her body
How come you want the “healthier” her, but you don’t want me?

Do you not see how much I’ve done for you?
Replacing meals with fingernails and trying not to feel
Growing too thin so I can finally win
This game that you don’t even want to be in

I love you, and you love a girl who is withering away into nothing

You don’t love my body you love my soul
You love my heart, which has grown cold

I’m shivering under your fingertips in this hollow body, in this cold skin of mine
Not from your touch but from feeling no heat
No heat from your love, no warmth from your touch, just cold and sad and stuck.  

And when I look in the mirror and tell the ghost of me that she looks pretty
She screams in return and her eyes ache for me to see that I’m absolutely hideous this way

Darling, do you adore me yet?
Emily C Aug 22
Im not overweight
But I feel huge
I'm a balloon filled with cement
Large and heavy
I only see round
I want to be little
I want a sharp jaw line
So sharp
I could carve off the pounds
Collar bones so deep
They could hold every tear
Shed while on a scale
Concave stomach
Filled up with water
Like the kind from the pool
Where I'm too fat to attend
I wish I could put the gender wage gap between my thighs
I want my bmi and my 7th grade age
To be the same number
But instead I'm large...
Well Im back ig
Floor Aug 15
eating is torture
eating is a total nightmare
I’m torn between needing the food because I’m starving and being horrified of the food coming inside of my body and making me feel full
The feeling of the food inside of my stomach is absolutely terrifying
I’m the puppet of my anorexia
I’m terrified of getting away with not eating, but there’s a bigger part that praises me when I get away with not eating
I’m never gonna make it easy for them, because of the terror
Eating makes me so ******* scared
I don’t want to gain weight, I’m already fat
The people around me are lying, telling me I am too skinny
Or is it my head that’s lying to me?
Why do I see a fat person in the mirror when I look at myself
I eat less than a 100 calories each day
I need a minimum of 2000
How is it that I’m still so fat?
Eating is horrifying to me
My parents think I do it to control them, but that’s such a lie
I do it because I’m genuinely scared to eat
I fear eating and I fear food
I fear getting my stomach full and I fear getting fat
I don’t know how to overcome this fear
I’m working so hard and no one sees it
Lighter Aug 13
Today I saw you
For the first time in 10 days
I was filled with nerves and anxiety
But also peace and a lightness
Its hard to explain
Much like our relationship
But you asked the question
That i guess had been playing on your mind
For 10 days
I was almost had peace with it
Which is more then i had been in months
How is your eating
You asked
And i didnt lie
I answered,every day apart from 2
But the 2 werent together
And it was easy
But i knew the question would come
I knew you would look and see
If i had lost
Or if i had gained
And i dont know how to tell you that i only reason i didnt give in,
Is because i didnt want to **** up
Bacuse you werent there
I didn't have you to hide behind
And cover for me
Which i know you do
Because it was all on me.
But now i can feel the old ways talking again
So how do i tell you that im so far from okay
But happy i can fool you now
Lighter Jul 31
I wonder how much longer I can go on like this
When is sick sick enough
I know im not right
I know I need help
But I fight with myself on how bad I really am
In my world 60kg isnt low enough
Whats wrong with 55kg?
Is a day without food guilt enough to have some the next?
Or will I yet again draw that blade across to remind myself that I gave in?
When is enough enough?
Malloh Jul 13
equivalent exchange
three days of hallow
in exchange for
three days of strength
but there is always
dizzy stumbling falling
headaches chills fatigue
whether it was the sickness
or my debt to be paid
it was a fair trade
to feel untouchable
I live life on the end of a yo-yo string.

One moment high in the sky,
My strings neatly wrapped away where they can’t get tangled, where they can’t get beaten and battered and torn by open air,

The next moment spinning so fast I can’t tell what’s real, toes brushing puddles I come closer to with every swing, strings on display for the world to see until I can find it in me to wrap it all up again.
And I know that one day my strings will wear thin, they will snap, and I will sink.

One day, when I go down, I will not come back up.
Another poem about my anorexia. I’m sorry.
Have I succeeded?
As I sit in the kitchen,
Surrounded by sensation and temptation,
Bread and milk and cheese and
Everything I’ve tried to leave
Behind and I don’t eat,
Sipping on the mug of tea in front of me,
Ignoring pangs of hunger, telling me
I can’t go on much longer...
Have I succeeded?
There is no thin enough
There is no success
There’s only misery
That eventually leads to death
if it hurts
you’re doing it right.

graceful arms, girls.

pointed feet.

plié, plié…
first position, long legs, extend your necks- yes, that’s right.

i just wanna look like a ballerina again.
i used to take ballet.
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