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David Abraham Aug 24
I want to feel.
I want to cry again at night
so I can't lose sight
of what matters.

I want to feel.
I want to be happy even when I'm not empty
so that I can be so happy I'm as nice as can be.

I want to feel.
I want to be so angry that I can cut myself
without needing to make up a reason
for just wanting to see myself become a bloody mess.

I want to feel.
I want to feel so much terror
at seeing myself again
that I keep fighting until Monday,
and the next,
and the next,
until I can't keep living.
Sky Aug 22
Every day feels like Winter. Sad and dreary, and cold.
You’re young and numb, but you feel so tired and old.
Summer isn’t Summer. Spring isn’t spring.
Seasons don’t matter, now they're just a dreaded thing.
The virus has devoured your mind, you aren’t even alive.
You used to walk hundreds of steps, but now, barely even 5.
Your heart is slower than your thinking.
Your sunken eyes are tired of blinking.
You want to give up, but the disease says no.
You wish that this deadly thing would just go.
All you are is skin and bone,
and you beg your voices to leave you alone,
but they won’t.

Your hair is dead and just dry straw, but you didn’t need it anyway.
Your fingernails are breaking off, but you didn’t need them anyway.
Your teeth are rotting one by one, but you don’t smile much anyway.
Your bones are next, since they are brittle and breaking,
What will it take to stop this internal aching?
As the virus eats your flesh, in your week old sweater,
you remember what it was like to be… better.

The sad thing is, you’ll continue to decay and let the voices rave,
even if it means that you will soon be placed in a concrete grave.
because at least you’ll feel pretty and alone,
proud of what’s left of your skin and bone.
Except you won’t be alive to be aware of yourself.
how sickening and skeletal you have made yourself.
you looked no different when you were alive,
except you were just living, but still dead inside.
You wear death perfectly, since this is who you are
and what you wanted.



At least no one can look at you.
At least no one can make you eat.
At least you can’t be tempted by a delicious treat.
At least no one can bother you, and let you rest in peace.
No mirrors to look in for hours and cry.
No more complaining that you wish you would just die.
No more worries, or sadness, or pain.
Your mind is gone and you're no longer insane.
You can sleep forever under the stars, and i suppose,
you can finally turn into nature, while you decompose.
And the best of all, is that you're no longer in your own skin.
No longer in your pitiful body, so technically, you win.
You’re a fresh soul who can no longer grieve,
and everything has left, and what’s left will leave.
Until you’re empty. Like you've always been.


But that hasn't happened yet.
Your mind is fading, and you always forget,
That you're still real, but you hate feeling real,
because you can still hurt, you can still feel.
You wish you could unzip your skin and set it on fire,
and watch it perish, in it’s disgusting attire.
At least you can disintegrate in that bed of yours.
Give in to all of your vicious wars.
But when it leaves temporarily, you still beg for more.
That’s how you know that you're sick to your very core.
You’ve been suffering this all alone,
You never leave the house, yet you feel like you aren't home.
And when this weather gets worse and hits you like a stone,
And the rain has fallen and the wind has already blown,
And this Winter climbs up your spine, and chills you to the bone,
You were once human. You would’ve never known.
This last day feels like Winter. Sad and dreary, and cold.


I hope that the broken disordered recover one day.  There is beauty through the broken, but you shouldn’t need to be broken to be beautiful.
Sky Aug 21
Pretty dying girls

It doesn’t really matter if you’re hungry
You’re not even going to eat
You aren’t a loser, you’ll win this game
It’s a game you have to defeat
It’s hot outside and you’re really cold
You’re young, small body is feeling old
You feel so starved down to your soul
Keep it up honey, you’re on a roll
You want to be half but you are whole
You hate this game but you’re in control
To feel in control you must pay the price
It doesn’t cost much, just your life
No matter what, you’re always alone
It’s you and me, it’s written in stone
You’ve lost everything that you love and own
But at least you have your beautiful bones
Your body hates you but that’s okay
Everyone has left, but I’ll always stay
That was my goal all along
To make you guilty, to make you feel wrong
Everything I say is helpful, everything I say is the cure
You don’t want to feel disgusting, do you? Don’t you want to be pure?
Tiny, Angelic, Dainty and Delicate
Everything else is completely irrelevant
You’ll never feel shameless, you’ll be the greatest
Listen to me darling, don’t you want to be weightless?
Tired, gaunt, pointless and twisted
The girl you’ve been talking to never existed
It’s all in your head, but your head is her home
You’ve got nothing left to control, but your brittle little bones
David Abraham Aug 11
Maybe I'm shooting in the dark.
Maybe I'm shooting at something that's not really there.
It doesn't feel fair
that I have to be
such a lousy shot.

I'm not a robot.
I'm not calculating.
I'm not cold and defining.

I might be running through rivers of black ink.
I might be breathing in the noise.
I might be doing anything at all, but I don't think
I could fail to notice.

I'm not just ignorant,
I know what's happening,
but I can't admit anything at all.
I'd rather fall

into the staining, screaming streams
that claw at my callused feet.
I'm running
with no street
to follow.

The shining ink's close
to me, but it's not
how I want to go.

I really am flailing at nothing,
but I realize
I was never breathing words,
I was breathing in these thick and heavy woods.

I can't keep running.
I've destroyed that part of myself.
I keep the perfect things on a shelf
where I can't reach them.

Please, tell me again
how I am not breathing in
your words like oxegyn.

My lifeline, my lifeline.
I can't find it.
I'm drowning, I'm drowning.

Pulling muscle and
refusing to keep it down
preparing to drown.
That moment when the only thing you'll put near your mouth is ink.

August 11th, 2018.
Aaron Aug 7
I am sick.

My nose is stuffy
My throat is sore
Headaches & fever
Loss of hearing in my right ear

But there's more than that.

My stomach begs for food when I do not feel hungry.
I shiver and curl in on myself and say that it's alright.
Lies spill from my mouth like a waterfall.
This body is home to more darkness than this world has ever seen.
I am unsure how to ask my doctor why this is happening.
When asked before why my dress size went from an 18 to a 14 so quickly, I could not give an answer.

This is my last year of high school and I know what is safe to have.
How much orange juice to have without going over 100.
Where I can sit without my friends finding me.
Who to give my food to that won't ask questions.
Classes to miss because sometimes, it's too much.
I know who keeps an extra jacket all year round.
Which bathrooms are okay for shoving my fingers down my throat.

But I still don't know how to type a report on this illness and explain why I did not have any sources cited.
How to tell a teacher that the quotes are from me and other people that I had gotten tips from.
A group chat full of screaming teenagers who are all just dying to be thinner, to go down just one-two-seven more sizes.
Instagram accounts full of inspirational pictures and advice for the caption, occasionally posting a check of themselves.
Websites that have been deleted by now that I had spent hours looking at and writing rules from.

How am I supposed to tell a teacher that....
My report was so well written because I was my main source of information?
I can't look at foods and drinks without seeing numbers?
I can't look in a mirror without wanting to cry?
I view food as poison to my body?
I sleep in class so often because my body is lacking the nutrients it needs to keep going?
I have been like those screaming teenagers for years and as much as I say that I'm better, I will always be like them?

How do I explain to my teacher I'm slowly killing myself and I can't stop it?

At least my report was turned in on time. That's all that matters to them.
I had to study eating disorders and mental health issues for school and it didn't go so well and I ended up writing this...
bex Aug 6
It's been a back and forth motion:

losing
  gaining
losing
  gaining
losing
  gaining
  maintaining
losing

for nearly a decade.

I can't seem to find* my way back up from this downward spiral
and I'm losing more than mass as I descend.

I don't have anyone close enough to stop me. Not that I'd let them anyways.

I'm going to keep
losing and
losing and
losing.

I'll turn sideways and disappear.
Shrivel up into .nothing.

And maybe then,
   just then,
I might feel valid.

(*correction: I can but I refuse to.)
my eating disorder has returned full force and I'm back on my bullshit. I've isolated myself bad bad bad this time. i built up walls made of bulletproof glass and carbon fiber. nails made of titanium. bricks of steel behind all that.

I am untouchable. and even if i was, i might shatter

wow i should rewrite that into another poem lmao
Dia dhuit Aug 2
I wish I never met you ana.
I wish I didn't fall for your trap.
You call me fat
And make me breakdown.
You pulled me in,
With hands of barbed wire
And tore me into pieces,
When I didn't listen
To your screams
Of "DON'T EAT, YOU FAT PIG."
You hurt me so much
That I began to hurt myself.
I so badly wanted to get you out of my head
That I took a blade to my legs
And burned my skin.
You made my life a living nightmare
And world full of regrets.
Even 1 calorie over my limit
Sent me into a whirlpool of guilt
And shame.
You promised me coinfidence I didn't have,
Nor will ever receive.
I know you're not real,
And I know you're a fragment of my own psychological pain,
But,
You made me become a victim of my own mind.
Trust me, it sounds much more dramatic and powerful when you're hysterically crying
destiny Jun 15
Ana
I used to wake up every morning with the bitter taste of yesterday’s guilt still lingering in my mouth.
I used to touch my body as I looked at my lifeless reflection in that deceptive pane of glass.
I used to wish and hope and pray as I pressed my feet onto that cold glass scale that I would be another pound closer to death.
I never ate.
I did everything I could to keep myself from doing so.
Hungry?
20 sit-ups.
Stomach growling?
Get out of the house.
Faint?
Take a nap.
ATE SOMETHING!?
You fat fuck go run until you vomit.
Why did I do this?
I don’t know.
Was it because I hated myself?
Maybe.
Was it for attention?
Maybe.
Was it just another way for me to self destruct?
Maybe.
You tell me.
But I’ll tell you one thing.
Starving yourself is not fucking worth any of it.
Ashley Jun 10
Mirror mirror on the wall
Tunnel vision on the flaws
In the scale of things it’s unimportant
So no talking but it’s still an intrusive thought

Tried hard to correct it
But nothing was effective
No-one else seemed so obsessed with it, things were desperate
Until the voice crept in

I can help you, trust me, you’re ready

It seemed dangerous
But it said to have faith in it

The secret is to just be empty

Didn’t know if it was wise to listen
But what could it hurt to try?

P1:
And at first it was working
But then things were emerging
Cracked lips and Tired eyes
I’m hungry with no appetite

I’m shivering and shaking, and I tell myself it’s fine, but
You can’t fool your body, you can only fool your mind, yuh

Empty
I just need to be empty
Hide from anybody who’ll prevent me
Just fill up on water and shame
No, I’m not hungry, I just ate

I’ve developed a taste for this
Endure the neverending ache
Convince myself I’m in control and it’s not
All that voice that makes me sick

C:
Inside it’s empty
Ana- I know it’s wrong
I’m looking but I can’t see myself

Inside it’s empty
Ana- I know it’s wrong
But it’s so hard to stop it alone

V2:
Been getting even worse
All the days begin to merge
Just a blurry haze and now it’s
Almost second nature to ignore the urges

Can’t trust my own nature
Every calorie a failure
Gotta push the intake down every day
‘Cause the voice comes back to say

You want to eat?   Bite your tongue

Don’t want to stay an embarrassment
just have to stomach it

They don't know what you want
A tug of war against common sense
don’t wanna believe that I’ve overstepped

P2:
But it’s so overwhelming
And I hope no-one can tell
‘Cause the numbers keep decreasing
This ordeal is becoming routine, check

Arms back neck thighs Suck it in and Pinch my sides
The scales are betraying me, the mirror is a lie, yeah

Numbers
It all comes down to numbers
I know it’s wrong but
Just because you know you’re colorblind
doesn’t mean you can see the colors

Fine, I admit I’m addicted
But the hunger feels good, how do I quit this
I know I could die, I’ve seen the statistics
But the voice is with me through thick and thin

Bridge:
I can reach out
To someone not like me
If you ask for help it doesn’t make you weak

I can reach out
ignore what the voice tells me
I can help my mind learn to trust my body
*Credit to JaidenAnimations & Boyinaband
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