destiny Jun 15
I used to wake up every morning with the bitter taste of yesterday’s guilt still lingering in my mouth.
I used to touch my body as I looked at my lifeless reflection in that deceptive pane of glass.
I used to wish and hope and pray as I pressed my feet onto that cold glass scale that I would be another pound closer to death.
I never ate.
I did everything I could to keep myself from doing so.
20 sit-ups.
Stomach growling?
Get out of the house.
Take a nap.
You fat fuck go run until you vomit.
Why did I do this?
I don’t know.
Was it because I hated myself?
Was it for attention?
Was it just another way for me to self destruct?
You tell me.
But I’ll tell you one thing.
Starving yourself is not fucking worth any of it.
Ashley Jun 10
Mirror mirror on the wall
Tunnel vision on the flaws
In the scale of things it’s unimportant
So no talking but it’s still an intrusive thought

Tried hard to correct it
But nothing was effective
No-one else seemed so obsessed with it, things were desperate
Until the voice crept in

I can help you, trust me, you’re ready

It seemed dangerous
But it said to have faith in it

The secret is to just be empty

Didn’t know if it was wise to listen
But what could it hurt to try?

And at first it was working
But then things were emerging
Cracked lips and Tired eyes
I’m hungry with no appetite

I’m shivering and shaking, and I tell myself it’s fine, but
You can’t fool your body, you can only fool your mind, yuh

I just need to be empty
Hide from anybody who’ll prevent me
Just fill up on water and shame
No, I’m not hungry, I just ate

I’ve developed a taste for this
Endure the neverending ache
Convince myself I’m in control and it’s not
All that voice that makes me sick

Inside it’s empty
Ana- I know it’s wrong
I’m looking but I can’t see myself

Inside it’s empty
Ana- I know it’s wrong
But it’s so hard to stop it alone

Been getting even worse
All the days begin to merge
Just a blurry haze and now it’s
Almost second nature to ignore the urges

Can’t trust my own nature
Every calorie a failure
Gotta push the intake down every day
‘Cause the voice comes back to say

You want to eat?   Bite your tongue

Don’t want to stay an embarrassment
just have to stomach it

They don't know what you want
A tug of war against common sense
don’t wanna believe that I’ve overstepped

But it’s so overwhelming
And I hope no-one can tell
‘Cause the numbers keep decreasing
This ordeal is becoming routine, check

Arms back neck thighs Suck it in and Pinch my sides
The scales are betraying me, the mirror is a lie, yeah

It all comes down to numbers
I know it’s wrong but
Just because you know you’re colorblind
doesn’t mean you can see the colors

Fine, I admit I’m addicted
But the hunger feels good, how do I quit this
I know I could die, I’ve seen the statistics
But the voice is with me through thick and thin

I can reach out
To someone not like me
If you ask for help it doesn’t make you weak

I can reach out
ignore what the voice tells me
I can help my mind learn to trust my body
*Credit to JaidenAnimations & Boyinaband
Kendall Jun 6
Rules are meant to be followed.
Work is meant to be done.
With work and rules and P R O P E R discipline there
W I L L be results.
Kendall Jun 6
Food is the enemy and it always has been.
The binge wasn't worth it.
It set you back,now look what you've done.
You've created more work for yourself.
Good luck you fat fuck.
Kendall Jun 6
Walking away meant
I was letting go.
It meant I was submitting to her will.
Her words curled up to fill my stomach because
food wasn't allowed.
even the past can be a mirror of the present
Kendall Jun 6
I don't know who I am without her.
Before Ana I was a child and in the in be tweens  been fighting to get away.
                 But who does that make me?
First child.
Then starving hatred.
With dashes, small sprinkles of wanting recovery.
               Wanting Salvation, but knowing nothing other than how to hate and how to punish because I've forgotten what it is to be a child.
Now I know how to starve better, to be hungry longer.
I know How to please her, which is how I please myself.
             But does that really make me happy?
             Is this what I was meant to do?
Was I meant to live inside the cage of my mind, doomed to this suffering?
   For what?
      To reach my ideal of bones?
What does this make me?
           Who would I be without her?
                 How would I live without these guidelines?
I'm sorry if this content is triggering for you, I've been struggling with my eating disorder for the past 6 years and it doesn't go away and its not a straight line. I just want people to feel less alone
Kendall Jun 6
I could feel my decline.
I could hear the call.
I could feel my grip loosen and hers tighten.
So I did something I should have done a while ago.
I left...
Chloe May 26
She is a monster in the back of my head.
Every bite of food fills me with dread.
“Don’t eat that, you’re already so fat.”
“0 calories a day will make your stomach flat.”
She comes to me in my dreams,
So sickly, so thin.
Her name is Ana.
She is the demon within.
She will pretend to be your friend
Just to get inside your head;
And she will hold on tight.
She will cover you in darkness.
She will mock you out of spite.
She does not forgive.
She does not forget.
Letting her in will be your biggest regret.
I’ve been struggling for the past few month and I haven’t talked to anyone about it because I’m afraid people will think I’m seeking attention.
I am not trying to glamorize eating disorders in any way. If you are also struggling, stay strong. You can beat this. ❤️
"Everyone wants to be a little anorexic" she says
"You know, like, in a glamorous way, like fashion friendly anorexic"
I bite my cheek and nod, pretend to agree
All I can think of is waking up to stars dancing on the ceiling
Pale skin with bruises of unknown origins
And battered feet on and off the scale
Almonds in Ziploc baggies
Bite marks on fingers
Hair down the drain
Measuring crunches by the marks they leave on your spine
And battered feet on and off the scale
Enough water to turn organs into boats
Eating an apple with a fork and knife
Desperate hands grasping for ribs
And battered feet on and off the scale
Standing and the world going dark
Coughing around shots of apple cider vinegar
Carrying an emergency rice cake for weak spells
And battered feet on and off the scale
Enough green tea to drown organs
Sugar free gum to mask the smell of decaying organs
Whatever nail polish covers yellow and purple
And battered feet on and off the scale
How many calories are in toothpaste
Thinspo blogs
Pillows squeezed between thighs
And battered feet on and off the scale
Is today the day my heart gives out
Waking every day in a new body
Fingers clasped around wrists
And battered feet on and off the scale
Notebooks filled with numbers
Purple crescents under eyes
Fingers clasped around forearms
And battered feet on and off the scale
Elbows knocking into hipbones
Being scared of your own reflection
Lies to get out of dinner
And battered feet on and off the scale
The stench of vomit
Oxygen that tastes of splenda
Fingers clasped around biceps
And bleeding feet on and off the scale

If this is your idea of glamour
Then you can have it
Taylor May 11
I met a girl named Ana
What a sweet girl she was
Until she made her way into my brain
And said
Stop eating, your brain will rot
I believed
and I didn't eat
Ana is no longer sweet
And she is the reason I won't eat
Because Ana told me skinny is better
And that's what killed me.
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