How are you?
But I've been saying it
Since the beginning.
Are the whispers inside true,
That maybe I can finally start to believe it?
What did it take,
Some may innocently wonder.
With every single breath I make.
I've been half trying to ignore the improvement,
Fearing one moments notice will
Surely steal it all back.
"No," I whisper alone, "I want to be better."
The other half
I try to be proud for the little things now,
So really I should feel
I swear I do very much venerate all of my achievements,
It was the only way,
That I could continue to survive.
Scared of it all going wrong again.
Waiting to feel the terror of all the endless times I've tried,
Getting thrown right back in my face again.
Because isn't that what's been destined to happen
From the very start?
I've been having an almost
Two month long rest,
A complete break of everything.
It was only meant to last a month, but after that month had been and gone,
It started to actually feel
A little better, brighter,
I'll admit it,
Guilty of getting comfortable with how it started to feel.
I didn't want it ripped away from me,
I know once it's gone it will be hard as **** to get back,
I've already been through all that,
I am still.
I want to get back to pushing myself.
I never wanted to stop,
But I had to listen,
My body was screaming at me, for me
And this evidence is telling me why I had to listen.
It seems you can't beat your body,
Ever, but especially not when it's fighting for you and against you.
And the symptoms yelled
Please stop, please be still,
Like they wanted me to sleep all day,
But still it will take half-a-year for there to be any difference.
But I waited.
I didn't get any choices.
So now, I'm sorry
It just terrifies me that trying,
When I finally let it be,
Might tear me back down, to where I used to be.
I'm not foolish enough to expect this is the end.
Surely when I try again my symptoms will join in too.
They only started to improve
The more I tried to rest.
Yes, eventually - After a lot of effort I got here,
But you have no idea how I tried.
How I limited my actions,
So in a month maybe it won't be so hard.
Now I'm here, I'm worried my efforts will send me back.
Don't make me go,
I don't want to be useless anymore,
I'm still bad but so much better,
Lose me to my own body.
I'm still here