Taking back control of my life My food is mine I don’t need to weigh myself twice Don’t get me wrong I’m still not fine But I’m a lot better Eighty-nine pounds was my low Let me be a trendsetter Just take it slow One day at a time Don’t let that voice take over It’s an uphill climb It’s not a four leaf clover It’ll take tears Maybe years Not unscathed but you’ll get through Take it from from me it’s true
18 pounds ago I was at my low. It’s been almost exactly a year since I was there. A year since I decided that I didn’t like fainting when I stood up and wearing baggy clothes. It didn’t happen overnight and I’m not going to lie to you and say that I never wish I was still that thin but the price it came with was too high. The price of not only muscles being stripped away but also my joy
so it starts with a girl, barely the age of 10 and already wondering when the baby fat will melt off glances in the mirror at unwanted curves and softness why would a 10 year old need to worry about their body? comments from a father about diets and diseases and suddenly food stops being a necessity but a burden a brother remarking how a second helping is how you develop diabetes, you don't eat again that night mom tries to help, "you've got a nice figure" she says it only makes you hate the softness more so a girl, at the ripe age of 17, decides that food is no longer a nessesity but a burden a few months into it a friend makes a joke how you need to start eating more because of how small you're getting you laugh it off and ignore the pride swelling in your chest because food was never good or nourishing but rather numbers on a scale and buttons that didn't quite close because food was always a burden and never a nesessity
I am hungry Tired Nicotine addicted Smell of cigarettes take over my room I am starving and I should keep on going Punish myself for all I did For all you did to me I cannot sleep I cannot eat for comfort I need to smoke most of the time away My heart is beating too fast Or no at all
You're so sensitive You need to grow up You know he was joking So why don't you stop He has different humour You just don't get it My dads in his 70's You can't say anything It's not like hes lying You are overweight It was just a joke Don't take it to heart mate It's weird that it hurts you And I will never understand Because you just sit there With your phone in your hand
I am frequently bullied by my exes father instead of taking it out on others i guess i'm doing poems now
i cannot seem to forget the smallness i had become. bruised thighs and sunken eyes were my reality; my skin was devoid of any nutrients, fragile and delicate. i could vanish into nothingness like quicksand.
my days bled into one another, fingers frozen, heart barely beating, lungs hardly breathing. i stared down the barrel of the gun, wished to purge my urges, sat in an endlessly deep pool of misery until drowning was all i could do.
i replaced food with air, consuming empty calories and dug knives into my skin as a personal hobby.
i am an open would that never heals, and i am desperate to move on.
a poem on my eating disorder. i thought i had come far only to relapse within a year. here's to starting over.
A tourture that breaks and distorts my mind Every calorie cafrefully chosen Written in a journal Every thing ive eaten since 8th grade No breakfast Running out the door a weitght in my stomach No lunch Drinking a monster 10 more calories than I need Vaping in the bathroom Dinner Dreaded dinner I have to sit and eat with my family No excuses Work it off after dinner Do I go there Do I sit on the floor racking my lungs I can feel the fat settle on my bones Crying myself to sleep Repeat
I struggle majorly with my eating. I feel like a failure if i eat over 300 calories in a day