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sometimes it feels as if it would be easier to quit fighting
to just let her do as she pleases
to just let her tell me that this way is easier
to let her force my body to scream and ignore it under her command
sometimes it feels like it would be easier to whither away
to quit forcing food into me
to just stop fighting her
but i know i will never let her defeat me
throughout all of the difficulty that she has brought into my life
i'm never going to let her take away the good again
she can have her small victories from the past
but i'm not going to give her my future
this fight will last till the end of my days but i'm never going to give up
regardless of how difficult this may be
Lost 3d
I miss you
Over 100mg a day
You made
my heart race

I miss you
The way you
Made me scratch
at my skin
and my scalp
Until there was blood
Under my fingernails

I miss you
Dropping 35lbs with you
Made me feel
So pretty
That I stopped eating
For days
And started purging
The food from my empty
Shrunken stomach
In public restrooms
With plastic spoons

I miss you
I didn’t sleep alone
When I had you
You sat on my chest
And wrapped my hands
Into white-knuckled
Clenched fists
You held me tighter
With each shallow
Painful breath

I miss you
My now steadied limbs
Don’t feel complete
In the absence of
Your gentle rattle
I want you to make
My bones dance again

I miss you
Joints shuddering
In aching pain
From you
Winding them up
So tight
I wish you could
Be here again
To contract
Every muscle
In my starved
Depleted body

I miss you
We would sit
On the bathroom
Counter together
And scrutinize
My yellowed skin
Picking and prodding
At every imperfection
For hours
Leaving scabs
And scales
Littering my
New thin face

I miss you
I remember fondly
The time we spent
Together laying
Face-down on
My kitchen floor
The tingly buzz
You filled me with
Every time I fainted
Pleasantly twinkling
Across my body

I miss you
At 4am
The time we
Used to stay
Up until
Every night
Staring at a wall
In my dimly lit room
Hours passing
Without me
Even noticing

I miss you
I know you hurt me
But I want you back
Every day
I miss how you made
Every moment hurt
And now I spend
All my time
Craving that pain

I miss you
I want you
To wreak havoc
All over again
Through my
Willing body
Swallowing doses
Of prescribed self harm
Each morning
I’m so horribly
Painless without you
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of disordered eating and bulimia
I always make sure my friends are:
Eating, Sleeping, Supported, and Loved.
Because I know how it feels to be unloved and alone.
Because I know how it feels to be an insomniac battling an eating disorder.
Because I understand the hell they are going through is fixable.
Tyler Smiley Sep 8
I haven’t weighed myself in weeks. I have this incessant itch inside of me longing to know what numbers I ring up to be. But everyday I hear another gnawing voice say,
“You are not a number, you are a person. A number does not define you. What defines you is your kindness, your efforts, the way you live your life.”

But what happens when the way I’ve been living my life for the past year and a half has been nothing BUT numbers and scales and nutrition labels and dysmorphia. What happens when my efforts have only been reduced to reducing myself? What happens when kindness overflows towards others, but I cannot even look in the mirror and say “I love you.” What happens when you are completely consumed by something that refuses to let you consume?
-Does the tunnel end soon?
Tyler Smiley Sep 8
The soles of my feet,
Mile after mile, i run
To clear my mind, but deep down it’s to see how far away I’m able to get from this version of myself

My spine,
Sticking out like thorns in a garden, piercing the skin
Every sit up brings me closer to pain.

Fingers and toes,
cold and brittle.
The blood does not flow fast enough anymore to keep me warm.
Once iron filled, now ghostly pale.

don’t you dare try to write me off 
as if I am completely broken
when all I am is cracked.

I will learn how to fill the missing pieces,
the parts that slowly dissipated behind closed doors.

Trust me,
I am worth salvaging.
Tyler Smiley Sep 8
Pieces of myself that I gave away
came back to me shattered
in every which way.

Something is changing and
I don’t know what,
but I don’t feel the same.

So many thoughts I’ve never said,
I’m beyond tired of holding my breath.
The things I’ve been feeling deep within,
I don’t ever want to feel again.

The water is rising in my lungs,
and I am drowning from the inside out.
I can’t ever seem to find solid ground
but I always make sure to keep kicking,

constantly searching for the coast.
So pour a glass, make a toast.
Because here’s to recovery,
the thing I’ve searched for the most.
Tyler Smiley Sep 8
eat-ing dis-or-der
/ēdiNG diˈsôrdər/
1. Waking up every single morning with the same thoughts you’ve had for the past 9 months. How flat will I look today? Are my ribs poking out any further? Does my spine look any more sickly than before?
2. Weighing yourself before you go to the bathroom. Then after you go to the bathroom. Proceeding on and on throughout the day, as followed.
3. Being so hungry, you’re simply not hungry anymore. More so, just exhausted. (Being exhausted is a good thing, because that’s when you can finally fall asleep. That way your mind doesn’t have to keep nagging you about the hunger pains you feel in your stomach.)
4. Wearing 2 sweatshirts & 2 pairs of socks under 3 blankets, yet still feeling the icy pain running through your veins. You try anything to stay warm. Coffee helps, but only for a few minutes. Steaming hot showers are nice for the time being, but stepping out into the cold air, feeling your already brittle hair turn into shards...it’s hell. (Ironic, right?)
5. Not being able to walk past a mirror without pulling up your shirt to check your stomach for the 20th time today. I’m not vain, trust me. Far, far from it. One of the last things I’m capable of feeling right now is love towards myself.
6. Longing for a way out. Laying on your bed in the darkness, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that there was a fucking off switch to all of this. Every goddamn morning to every goddamn night. You know what you’re doing is wrong, but at this point you don’t know who you’d be without it. That voice, I mean. That voice that never goes silent, even when you politely beg with tears brimming at the eyes. You try so hard to push it away, and to remember a time in your life when you were “normal”. When you could wake up and actually enjoy breakfast. It was your favorite meal of the day.

Now, you can’t even fathom a “favorite meal”. The empty plate, the clean spoon, the untouched napkin. Everything except the food- which is now harrowingly the perfect vision of your “favorite meal”.
cleo Jan 22
she's inside me
sitting in the back of my throat
i can feel her presence there
feel her beckoning me
i reach my hand out to take hers but
she's always just out of reach

all she brings is pain
i don't even know her name
but i love her anyway
k Sep 6
The scars on my hips have
withered away but still bear
the weight I have gained
and even if they are
"happy pounds"
I am not feeling the joy
of sucking the burden in
because I am too proud to
admit I have gone up two sizes
and no matter how hard I try
to take the weight off
my shoulders (stomach)
I only have the self control to
play games inside my own head
as if starving myself one day
will lead to skinniness the next,
as if I haven't led myself
down this path of destruction once before.
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