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To Mia

You see I know this girl  , I’ve known her for  as long  I can remember . Sometimes though for some reason ,Unknown to me, she makes appearance. For a while after she’s on my mind , constantly on my mind . It’s like she’s worked her way into every nerve every cell she’s there . I have to please her I’ve got to keep her happy. My mind is a  machine , a machine with cogs and the cogs keep turning but when she’s around they’re on overdrive constantly worrying to point where I worry so much it makes me ill .

You see I know this girl , a girl called Mia.

I direct this at you.
The one that clings to my sides,
hangs off my clothes :Weighing me down
Like a tonne of sugar  in my gut
Down .
Down .
I can’t stomach it any longer !  
You stick to every ounce of my being, Creating a blinding hatred Spiralling
Down .
Down .
Down .
my appearance to the public eye now untrue to my reflection,  I wont be added to your collection but the obsession to meet your expectations
is impulsive .

empty swallows, hollow sorrows .
I crave it .
I need it .
you’ve infected every nerve .
I’m weak .
“hide yourself” , no one can see .
don’t  stop yet
please stop
I can’t stop
drop .

I’m frail , one more blow from you
And I’ll crumble .
Nothing but a bag of bones covered in an
Off white security blanket .
You have thinned my hair ,
Made my nails brittle ,
And my throat swell .
But still you’re attention
Is what I crave the most
I starve to please .
To please you .
I’m starving .
I have struggled with bulimia most of my life , these are my thoughts to you Mia .
no one tells her that those candy-colored pills are not chocolate
that no matter how many she stuffs she'll never be full,
nor will she be entirely empty.

though they taste so sweet
they will rot your teeth
and their effects shall be engraved in your skull

that candy apple cyanide
so hard to resist
so hard to not take a bite

no one tells the **** girl with a mouth full of tombstones
that she gleefully presents for show and tell
that she too needs to eat, to keep it down

though the dissolving graves
withing her smile
tell a saddening tale

that candy apple cyanide
so hard to resist
so hard to not take a bite

no one tells her that her mind and mirror are distorting
morphing the person she truly is
into the person she hates to be

though her measurements are static
her body seems to inflate
like balloons at parties she avoided

that candy apple cyanide
so hard to resist
so hard to not that a bite

no one tells her that average isn't too heavy
that she can be loved and called beautiful at 120
and that she can love herself too

though she's grown accustomed
to the taste of acid and ice cream
and no sees no need for stopping

that candy apple cyanide
so hard to resist
so hard to not that a bite

no one tells the girl that she's wasting away her body
no one warned her of all the pain

no one warned her that her illnesses would always stay
flush those pills
let those apples rot
let your garden flourish
in the poison
you haven’t yet forgot
slr Sep 26
i finally lost [some of] it
but 15 isn't enough
i want 115
i want to shrink away
into nothingness
i want to stop feeling
all of this pain
i don't want to keep doing this
and losing it is the easiest way
i've struggled with eating disorders for a while now. and i can feel myself going back to old, toxic habits. but, i don't want to stop it. because maybe if i plunge in headfirst, he will come back to me.
Some days I think my mother wants to hate me more than she wants to love me. It feels like most days she finds more flaws than I knew were possible. My sister and I were the rough drafts before she perfected her work and gave birth to our brother. When I came out to her she asked why it took me so long to do it, how do you look at the person that’s supposed to love you unconditionally and say you didn’t want another nail in your coffin, another tally mark on the board of all of your **** ups. Every time I eat something I hear her voice at the back of my head telling me I should stop. I’ve never dined alone, my whole life my mothers voice has joined me when the slightest thought of food has crossed my mind. I have spent more days than I can count wishing I had the self control to starve myself. How do you say that out loud? How do you make the words slip off your tongue to anyone without them thinking you’re a lost cause. I think about dying like I think about skipping my next meal. It’s never set in stone, there’s no contract binding my thoughts to my actions but it’s always at the back of my head. A wailing ghost haunting my brain just waiting for the day that we actually go through with something when we first think of it.
Arden Sep 18
I don't have an eating disorder
I eat one meal a day

I don't have an eating disorder
I cant eat more than 700 calories a day

I don't have an eating disorder
I have to skateboard at least 5 hours a day

I don't have an eating disorder
If I don't know how many calories is in something I can't eat it
Joy Sep 17
i can’t control
when people leave.

i can’t control
whether he’ll love me.

i can’t control
who lives or dies.

i can’t control
their opinions.

i can’t control.

but I can control my body.

I can control my calories.

I can decide when to stop.

I can decide whether I live or die.

I am the only one
who has that control.
Jules M Aug 26
I am surprised that you relate.
I thought you would have gotten into this a different way,
But here we are,
With similar origins,
And familiar pains.
Here we are,
Sharing our aches.
Here we are,
Feeling empty and drained.
Here we are,
Giving each other praise.
Here we are,
Feeling shame.
Here we are,
Being brave.
Here we are,
And we are to stay.
I thought you were not anywhere near the same.
I am surprised that you relate.
Lighter Aug 13
Today I saw you
For the first time in 10 days
I was filled with nerves and anxiety
But also peace and a lightness
Its hard to explain
Much like our relationship
But you asked the question
That i guess had been playing on your mind
For 10 days
I was almost had peace with it
Which is more then i had been in months
How is your eating
You asked
And i didnt lie
I answered,every day apart from 2
But the 2 werent together
And it was easy
But i knew the question would come
I knew you would look and see
If i had lost
Or if i had gained
And i dont know how to tell you that i only reason i didnt give in,
Is because i didnt want to **** up
Bacuse you werent there
I didn't have you to hide behind
And cover for me
Which i know you do
Because it was all on me.
But now i can feel the old ways talking again
So how do i tell you that im so far from okay
But happy i can fool you now
Sarah Adams Aug 5
I saw what the world wanted me to be
I saw the projections  and figures everywhere
I saw the expectations, the social constructs
the suggestions, the insistence
and then
i stopped looking
I took away the mirror and let it fall to the floor
a million pieces
I invited my seven years of bad luck
so I could stop looking.
I looked within myself instead.
I stood on the edge of the mountain, where society wanted to push me over the edge
I stood on the edge of the ocean, where it wanted the waves to drown me
I clung to the earth, where it's winds and currents would rather have me swept away.
I stood there and I screamed.
I bellowed into the deepest valley, and across the sea
I wanted every ear to feel the sound
I howled until my lungs felt free
" E N O U G H "
rejecting the false image pushed upon me
I looked within myself and found the universe when the earth wanted to swallow me whole.
My reflection belongs to me,
this world cannot contain me
but it tried to own me
Self liberated
from imposed shackles.
Lighter Jul 25
One of the hardest parts to hide
Is when people ask how I did it,
"Oh you look so great!
How did you do it?"
How do I explain that after dropping 25kgs,
That the way I did it, is not safe.
The I only eating when its been 3 days,
And I'm starting to get to dizzy
And I can't even think when it comes to work.
How do I explain that I have a war going on inside my head
That I told her, and it helped
But almost made it worse
Now I'm lying to her
I tell her I'm eating,
Even when I've lost another 2kgs
I'll tell her I'm fine,
That I'm doing okay
Just as long as she doesn't see my hands shaking
I'll hide my body under over sized tops
And I'll doing my make up just right
So she can't see how tired I really am
For now I'll hide
Because I'm not ready to give Anna up yet.
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