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Eating disorders are never romantic.

Sometimes, I dream of food:

Burgers, cakes, fries set out in a pan of grease that's deep enough to swim in—

I get lost in it. I eat and eat and push my blue-tinted fingertips into layers of frosting and cream, letting chocolate bliss wash over me like a baptism.

Then I wake up.

Guilt rips into my bones, and I feel a sick sense of relief.

I clutch my aching stomach, run my palms against the protrusions of my hips.

I lick my lips and swear that I could taste honey and brown sugar, and for a moment I lay in bed watching dots in my vision swirl away into the unknown.

My feet are as cold as the rest of my body, and I think for a second how nice it would be to wake up warm.

How would it feel to turn over and see a lover sleeping next to me? I don't know. I've never known, but I like to imagine.

For breakfast, an egg (75) with plain toast (95) and tea (5).

Round up. Always round-up. I don't finish. I never finish. I'll repent if I do.

Waking up is cracking joints and a tight jaw. The only thing to comfort me is hot bitter water and hope in between numbers. Always numbers.

I catch my reflection in the door of my microwave. I turn away.

Sometimes, I dream of food.

On other days, I wish I couldn't dream at all.
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Lydeen Nov 18
Counting... Always... Counting.

A cup of herbal tea, maybe with some sugar.
If I feel up to it.

Maybe some soup, grilled cheese.
If I can stomach it.

Dinner. Whatever mom makes.
My only supervised meal.

Tired, all day... Every day.
Drowning in college papers.

The curves I worked so hard to get back...
Well. They're nearly gone.

Protruding hip bones,
Protruding collar bones,
Boney fingers,
Pale skin,
Fantastic figure and pretty ribs,
Cold toes and bad circulation.

Heart murmurs... Shaky breathing... Migraines... Exhaustion... Confusion... Lethargy... Weight loss

Shaking, Shaking, Shaking...

Gotta go make a cuppa, warm up a bit.

But... what's left for me to be healthy for, anyway?

I'll take a bath to warm up instead

Being home all the time isn't doing me well... If I die, blame Miss Rona for her ****** attitude.
Lydeen Jan 2019
Spiraling like a top.
The world spins as I walk,
My body.
Desperate for nutrition.
But beautiful.
I still haven't hit rock bottom.
Spinning out of control.
Lydeen Dec 2019
I sent you another text.
Maybe I shouldn't've.
I was hoping to tell you something.
I don't really know if you care but.
I ate a proper amount today for the first time in months.
Have you eaten?
You probably haven't.
That's okay.
I get it.
I think under normal circumstances you'd be proud.
I actually ate fries and shortcake today.
I forgot my meds though so it made me feel icky.
It's okay.
I even ate some chocolate.
Nearly a full meal at McDonald's.
At least half.
I gave it my best, though.
How are you?
How's your mom?
Have you eaten?
(I miss you)
How's your girlfriend?
(I love you)
What's been up?
How can I fix this?!?

I'm sorry.
Lydeen Oct 2018
A finger in a jar,
Spooning out peanut butter,
In a cold empty house.
A pack of crisps.
A crunchy bar.
A sandwich.
Some fizzy.

Pushing the handle,

I push it all back out.
Lydeen Mar 2019
but Beautiful

but Still Sleeping

but Starving

but Slowly

but Not Really

but Pretty
Lydeen Mar 2019

   ­  Pretty

It was gonna be longer but I don't care enough anymore to even do that
Lydeen Aug 2019

How many will work?

Or! Maybe I can
my Pencil Sharpener.

Or better yet,

Knit a long,

Where to hang it though?

Perhaps I could take a
Too Hot

And sit till it's cold.

Weigh myself,
Until I'm satisfied

That'd do it too.
If you get all of this sorry lol but I bet almost everyone does on here
Lydeen Oct 2018

A simple number.
Four digits,
Four numbers,
1 thousand
8 hundreds
8 tens and
4 ones.

1884 calories.

A simple number.
Four digits,
Four numbers,
1 thousand
8 hundreds
8 tens and
4 ones.

7882656 joules.
Enough energy to heat 1884 grams of water by one degree Celsius per gram.
Wasted on me.

Which means to me
A day of careless eating.
Fat packing itself onto my skinny body.

A finger and some splashing.

I fixed my issue.
Oof this is literally the only place I talk about my friends Ana and Mia lol. I need to get help. I'm 108 lbs currently, but it's quickly dropping. I keep it under control, though.
Lydeen Dec 2019
Curves melting away
Numbers dropping
An obsessive measurement of worth

One food at a time
Consider mixing it all together

Counting bites
Counting grains, kernels, seeds
Counting times chewed

26 waist
32 hip
5 wrist

11 neck
7 forearm
30 ribcage

17.8 bmi
16.3 body fat
98 lbs

Obsessively memorizing
Plugging in numbers

Worrying if you look sick
Collar bones too defined
Hip bones jutting out just too much

Getting scared

Feeling deliciously empty
Thinking clearly
Everything fuzzy at the edge

It ain't a ******* joke
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