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lila Apr 1
i barely passed my math class last year
the numbers, the rules, the equations
they just swam around in my head
but i couldn’t quite grasp them
hard enough
to form a coherent thought
so i just gave up

but ****,
whenever someone makes a casual
passing comment on calories
the numbers on the scoreboard
that haunts my every waking moment
begins to spin
and that broken calculator
comes back to life
92+80+12+26+148+a few extra cals
just to be safe
= too ******* much

body forgive me
sometimes all i want to do
is forget this burden
but i can’t unmemorize the calories
in an altoid mint
and how could i forget the sensation
of cool water slipping down
into my starved stomach
an empty chasm
i preferred drowning myself in water
rather than suffocating in food

my stomach begs for food
but i convince myself i’m not hungry
lies spill from my mouth like a waterfall
there’s no such thing as warmth anymore
so i shiver
and curl in on myself and say
that everything’s fine
because i was obsessed with being empty
i was afraid of being full

body forgive me
when someone lays their hand on me
i flinch away from their touch
afraid of the secrets they might find
hidden under my clothes
forgive me
i never allowed the comfort
the warmth
of another ones skin
pressed close to mine
i was afraid of change
because change meant recovery
and recovery means eating
without punishing myself
but my hands quake at the thought
but if you aren’t recovering
you are dying

body forgive me
i’m afraid of change
but i won’t live through not changing
body forgive me
for hearing you cry out in hunger
and wanting nothing more
than to keep you quiet
those cries were
shameful trophies
because i was only beautiful
when i was empty

body forgive me
forgive me
for spending all of these years
hating you so much
i wanted to destroy you
i probably hurt you worse
than anyone ever could
aaron Mar 12
she talks to me quite randomly
that's when i have to remind myself the most
that her methods are not healthy
and that in this body, i am the host
but she looks like an angel, so pure and pretty
how could i not trust her?
aaron Feb 16
i am such a failure
that if ana taught a class
i would rarely pass
i'm a slacker to her
i try to skip her class
but eventually get dragged in
and if mia was a teacher
i would be an old student
rarely attending
her class is no longer one i want
my final grade
for either of them
would not be passing
because i can't even be empty correctly
aaron Feb 16
it starts slow
each and every time
losing sleep
extra focus on school
baggy shirts
a sucker replaces breakfast
quitting fun activities
staying quiet more often
eating only half my lunch
shutting myself in my room
baggy shirts become hoodies
barely looking in mirrors
lying becomes easy again
the truth is harder to spit out that swallow
feeling colder as the days go by
making a game out of periods
"hunger pains or cramps? haha guess i'll never know"
melatonin almost every night
mirrors make me sick
lunch is cut out of the day
making up excuses
nobody questions
cafeteria is pointless now
spending lunch in the hallways
sometimes a classroom
dinner is only half touched
water is the only thing that fills me
school work and exercising takes up all my time

and i'm only at "barely looking in mirrors" now
aaron Feb 16
the numbers are all that matter
i keep track of them
whenever they go up
and every time they



closer to beauty
closer to perfection
closer to zero
SL Feb 7
Heart is racing
Dizziness when standing
Tired all the time
What is wrong with me
Back in hospital after 12 days discharge
Medically unstable but medical team won't take me
Mental health can't take me until I'm medically stable
The same questions get asked
Like are you using this to lose weight
No everything is just out of control and this is the only thing left
I haven't self harmed I've just been restricting and purging
What is wrong with me??
I don't know why I keep ending up this bad. It could because I have no support for family and I have one friend. Psychologist isn't helping I don't even have a psychiatrist. I need help
Eleanor Feb 6
Mum, there's one thing i don't want you to hear,
it's that food doesn't make me grin from ear to ear,
it makes me terrified of the voice inside,
wanna crawl into my bed and hide,
and cry and cry about my outside,
until there's silence from the voice inside.

But it's never silence,
just a pause,
'til it grabs me again with it's awful claws,
scratches me and makes me bleed,
bruises me until i plead,
and remind myself that i agreed,
pain until I'm skinny, please.

I'm fat i know, i don't need to be told,
I'm tall and only 16 years old,
I'm a child yes, but you never scold,
because a good girl you did mold,
i used to get good grades and study hard,
now all i am is a bunch of lard,
i still study hard but i am scarred,
by the voice that tells me,
i'll never reach that bar.

I try and try but don't succeed,
i wish i could follow my brother's lead,
all the way to university,
getting himself a good degree,
a 50,000+ salary,
but the closest i'll get to that salary,
is a salad.
so i'll sit here munching rabbit food,
while you're thinking that i'm being rude,
for not sitting at the table with you,
while you EAT you're normal human food.

Why is EAT such a hard word to say?
it's three simple letters, just E, T and A,
combined and jumbled in three different ways,
EAT, tea and ATE are the things you can say,
but the latter word causes dismay,
sending my mind into disarray,
ana is here, she's here to stay,
reminding me there's no other way,
i must put down the food,
say i'm not hungry today,
go a little longer,
fast just one more day.
My life, is no longer my life
My skin, is no longer my skin
My mind and body isn't mine either
It is yours Mia
I have surrendered myself to you
I am tired of fighting you
I no longer have the energy
For you have stolen that too
I stand on both my knees
Asking for your forgiveness
Purge me of my guilt
Allow my bone to be sharp as knives
Stomach flat as paper
Let my collerbones allow me to fly
Fly far far away
Thunder in my belly
Apple cider vinegar it is
Eyes water from the taste
But I don't care
I don't care about the pain
I don't care that I'm living on half dead
It's makes me skinny
It's all worth it
As long as I'm
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