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Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
There is a fire behind my eyes.
All you have to do is look inside.
Choose the story you want to see,
it’s what I have to do daily.
I understand
flames are scary.
This fire is consuming me.
Look deep inside
see me,
the whole story.

There is a fire burning my skies,
whipping at my heart,
see it in my eyes.
After all the damage done
will there be a shining sun?
“Help..”
is it heard? In a forest of hate?
It’s all burning down
the flowers and the lace.

There is a fire burning in my eyes-
look inside,
can you see it behind the lies?
Do i mask it well inside?
What can you see?
tell me,
Has it burnt away everything in sight?
...Am I going out of my mind?
Maybe the flames have consumed it,
and there’s nothing left
but a useless pit.



But there is a fire inside of me
it is a light
for all who choose to see.
It is a warmth inside my heart.
Some beautiful kind of art.
The fire behind my eyes is real-?I will keep it bright,?so you can see
every single thing I feel...
Flames of hope flickering.
The fire of faith burning.
Love.
Yearning.
This fire is simply the flames of fate
leading me to my pearly gate.

It is everything in sight.?
So I will stand tall,
be a light.
I’ll spread brightness in this fight.
Because we fight a war of love and hate,
battling to set everything straight.
Look in my eyes
you’ll see that fire,
the burning hope and desire.

I hope that you can look at me
and simply see see
the entire story...

There is a fire behind my eyes.
Look inside.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I might as well give up the act
Because I know the impact
And how it will attack
Stabbing me in the back
Every single day
As I stand in front of the mirror
And say that I'm okay;
Blood trickling down my spine
Reminding me that I'm lying.
We all know that it's fake
And what's at stake
(It's my life for goodness sake)
So I guess I'll give in and say,
Though the taste of it is strange...
What better day
Than today
To change
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
Time runs away from me
As I dash to be in your company.
You are worth a lack of sleep.
520 · Nov 2014
I love your eyes
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
Deep blue
like an ocean
They draw me in....
And as if I'm in the ocean,
I can't seem to get out.
Or really even want to
even when I know I need to.
And the thing about those beautiful bright blues,
Is the history.
So much happiness
And so much pain
lie in their wake.
And I can't see past the horizon line.
But I know
It's bright...
But I know
it's stormy....
And in this moment,
staring into the depth,
I can't decide if I will stay afloat
blissfully
Or if I will drown
into the unseen.
517 · Nov 2018
You Are My Favorite Subject
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
Bragging about what an amazing guy you are is so much better when it’s to someone who used to know you. I get to explain that I, I have the best version of you.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Midnight
in my mess of a room.
outer chaos
but inner peace.
And outside there sleeps a beast
that breathes with the wind
and immitate the ocean so I can sleep.
And it's pitch black tonight
at least, looking out from inside.
Beyond the tufts of grey sheep
sleeping in the summer heat
worlds are colliding,
lighting up my midnight sky.
Cities burned, and people died.
planets and countries and towns were sacrificed
to bring light to my midnight....
And it happened lightyears ago, I know.
But it's those little things that give us hope.
worlds collide
and die,
so that we have something to wish on at night,
something reminding us to hold on tight
just until the sun rises.
And when it does
and lights the sky
the world will sing the victor's cry,
simply because
you are alive.
So hold on tight.
The sun will rise.
Look up, hold your head high:
the entire galaxy
is cheering for you
"fight for your life."
"Stay alive."
And "be alive."

Outer chaos/
inner peace.
Because the beast
inside me?
Tonight, he's asleep.
Makenzie Marie May 2015
Tonight the Sky cried for me.
The crickets sang, for me,
The most captivating melody.
The Wind whistled at me,
and wrapped around me, envoloping me in it's beauty.
And for the first time in a long time
I felt at peace,
free of anxiety.
I felt pretty.

And I'm so dang lucky
to hear God's voice in everything
whispering,
"I love you, darling."
Makenzie Marie Feb 2019
When you whisper to me
The word “forever,”
My heart melts
And still races, somehow—
Doublethink.
And I agree,
Forever sounds perfect to me.
486 · Aug 2019
My mind is the whole Zoo.
Makenzie Marie Aug 2019
The fight with your own mind,
Is the hardest war to wage.

But know, the lion that you are facing, is that same strength that you carry.
You can tame it.
Embrace it.

You might be fighting your own strength
Please keep fighting.
482 · Feb 2015
Meaningless Action
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I swear
all I ever am
to any man
or rather boy
I've ever known
is a distraction.
some action.
An attractive thing
with which they can bide their time
(What about mine?)
until something else comes along.
and trust me, that doesn't take very long.
And sometimes it makes me feel okay
sometimes it makes me feel worthwhile
until I realize
That it doesn't matter what I say
or do
it's always going to be a game
to them.
Those men
who look to me for a distraction.
a meaningless piece of action.
And then there's me
poor and weak and hopeless
(as if I didn't already know this)
expecting it to make me feel
anything more than worthless.
And sometmes I pretend that I can play,
that I, too, love this game.
but the truth is I hate it.
I hate the way it makes me feel
and I hate the person inside this shell
created by this personal hell
In which disreguard is all I get
and all Im left with is feeling like this.
Because I'm only ever looked to as a distraction
and a worthless piece of action.


So come one
come all
and push down the girl
who will so easily fall
for the boy with a good charade
that's all they ever are these days.
472 · Oct 2019
Why was she different?
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
Maybe if you were ******* me it’d be enough for you to want to marry me, and release your notion of security.

Maybe that’s what it takes. Maybe that’s why she was different.
9/17/19
I know this isn’t true, now, but. It was a hard night that night and I figure it deserves to be shared anyway.
Makenzie Marie Apr 2015
"I want to **** myself"
I say
But no, I promise,
not today.
I'm planning on never actually.
cuz today
I swear
things are pretty okay.

I love my life,
and the beautiful blue sky,
the spring air whipping by,
the almost silent sound of a sigh...
and their engaging eyes...

I love living
and looking forward
to summer swimming,
looking ahead
to everything I've been missing...

Being alive
is such a rush,
a roller coaster,
and I'm loving the ride.
It's a grand adventure
every day a new surprise.
And nothings going to change my mind
I love this life.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2015
Stop.
Breathe.
Go for a drive.
See.
Admire.
Pray.
Ponder.
Sing.
Dance.
Be spontaneous.
Trust.
Surrender.
Release.
Hope.
Love.
Pause.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Live.
465 · Jun 2018
The Day I Changed My Fate.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2018
I signed my name...

Your name
Attached to mine
I took your name in mine
Took your hand in mine
That was a different time

But back to today...
I took a pen to a page
And said goodbye
To that time
And the lying
And crying.

And now I’m not yours
And you’re not mine.

You’re free to be
And Choose how you’ll be
And you can no longer hurt me
I can be free.

I hope one day, you’ll see
All the harm you did to me
No bruises, no bleeding
But you’ll remember the anxiety, the screaming.
and now here’s me
With a little bit of PTSD.

But baby,
I won’t be there to agree.

Im taking care of me.
And taking back my name.
460 · Mar 2019
Open up, please.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2019
I love you
To Hell and back
But when you do this to me
Unintentionally
You strike a personal attack
Caused by a simple lack
Of communicating feeling.
457 · May 2019
You are not the same
Makenzie Marie May 2019
I’ve never known a love like this
No lying
Or cheating
And no emotional beatings
Manipulation
Or pain
Or anything for his gain.
I could
Make a list
Of how with you exists
None of this.
With you
It’s so much of the opposite.
Truth
And trust
You’re given to me as stardust
I’m Adored
valued
You are teaching me how to
Let go
And hope
And you’re willing to take it slow
Show me
Patience
Showing me your dedication
Until I fell
For sure
You caught me with your allure
I love you
My dear
All I want is to keep you near
Forever
With you
Just seems like the right thing to do

I’ve never known a love like this
And I intend to keep it.
446 · Dec 2014
I can't wait.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
Your cool blue eyes
A shimmering pool
Of memories
And I see them all
And remember them vividly.
And I recall them
Hopelessly.
Because I don't know
If we can ever be what we used to be.
So we grasp at the threads
And everything that's left.
And we try to hold on
For as long as possible.
Until our hands slip
And you fly far away.
I miss you already babe
And I'm not ready for the change
I'll listen to your songs all day...
To our songs every day.
And I guess it's better this way.
Because Fate
Has never seemed to be
In our favor.
But I'll pray
While you're away.
445 · Feb 2015
Sweet Addiction
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
My mind has been warped
twisted and turned
like taffy in a candymaker's careful claws.
but this candy that I tried
isn't as sweet in my mind.
sugary sweet poison;
That's all it is.
Delicious and dreadful and deadly.
But oh how it tastes...
It's bittersweet some days.
I can't explain.
And it's an addiction
a love hate relationship
(a contradiction)
and I think I'm fighting it
but truthfully
I don't want to be.
I want to give in
and binge
on the sweet delicious taste
of my awful bitter disgrace.
addiction dragon lion fight ED eatingdisorder selfharm disgrace shame idk
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
Because the view in the dark is full of noise that never ends, that distracts me from all my untied odds and ends. And the view at the top is so full of peace. Too quiet. And the thoughts from the dark fight to break free.
And in the dark it's blinding.  I imagine one day I'll grow to be deaf, from the silent screams I hear endlessly. Maybe in some way the darkness will save me. I know it's irrational but really, jumping right into the water is the quickest way to forget that it's freezing.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Storms Pass.
but the problem is
that even though eventually the storm will be over,
the destruction will still lay in it's wake.
Even though you can rebuild the entire city,
it will forever be shaken.
it will never be the same.
Storms pass.
but like buildings and bridges,
people break.
And you can stitch up a broken heart,
but even after it heals,
a scar remains.
And now there's a tangible, visible, literal scar
one that you don't know formed
and it shows that things changed.
And I don't know when it will fade,
but even with all the vitamin e on my thighs
scar tissue will remain
beneath the skin on my knees,
reminding me
about when I fell for you too hard,
reminding me of when the storm destroyed our town
reminding me of how many times
I've had to build myself up after a breakdown.
How many times I wanted to go to you
but was too afraid to,
reminding me of when you weren't there for me to.
Storms pass
and maybe this one has,
but the city has turned to rubble
and I can't decide if I want to rebuild,
just to wait for the next storm warning,
as if anyone could expect it,
or if I should just move on from this tired old town.
Because it's dark,
and the sun is rising...
but the electricity is out.
And the scar tissue reminds me,
that my heart fell apart when all the buildings fell.
And I know a long night is coming.

I think you'd be surprised how cold it can be in Hell.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
my life fits into boxes now
sealed off with masking tape
I’m leaving half a world
behind me
for new dawns and new days that lie
ahead
I am afraid
I just want to remain stationary
long enough to take it in
I want the time and the space to take an actual breath of air
to feel my lungs fill
with the warmth of the summer that here never ends
I want long enough to dwell
on that warmth that will soon elude me
these memories that will soon fade
Soon I will take in shallow breaths of ice
and only hope that I can make it through the next day
but what the heck
take me away
to the new dawns and new days
just let me say goodbye
oh, life
as I minimize.
414 · Dec 2014
Life of the Chronically Me
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
sickly
is she
but happy she'll be
as we stick needles repeatedly
and run test
after test
on her aching
body
revealing
most always, nothing
every problem so sneaky.
Invisible illness.
one after another
just smiling
at the little lady.
With one
after another
reason to fear.

but happy I’ll be
to tell my story
in a manner so joyfully
to someone as worried as me.
who sees
as I pop
one
after another
handful of medication
a personal army
to defend the life
of the Chronically
me
Hi so this is me: over the past two years I've been on a journey of good health. coincidentally that journey has been mostly discovering how sick I am, and how much I need to do to function properly. It's been a roller coaster, and I've now been diagnosed with 5 Chronic illnesses, coming up on six soon I think. So this is my life. Chronically me, chronically sickly.

Positivity is key.
414 · Oct 2019
What Void?
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
I filled every void with my own love, and then I made room for you.
Wishing I didn’t have to title all of these dang it
413 · Nov 2018
You caught me smiling.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
We are laying in bed with our legs intertwined, and I can't think of anything besides how lucky I am to have you here at my side.
410 · Dec 2018
This is healing.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2018
Loving
And being truly loved in return,
A warm kindling of a fire,
Is such a different feeling
Compared to the inorganic
slow burn
Of a lighter
Held to your heart
(Don’t panic)
Makenzie Marie Sep 2018
But you were not the best thing
That ever happened to me.
Despite what you think
Despite your attempts to be convincing:

I am.
404 · Nov 2014
So. Yeah.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
Truth is
I never really
stopped falling
Or fell up
Or anything.
I just accepted the situation,
I just tried to move on.
But yeah.
I meant it when I said I love you.
Maybe I mean it differently
when the words escape my lips
now.
But that real meaning is
Still. There.
But I'm working on that.
So please
stop making it harder.
Or somehow
Just make all of this easier
I don't know.
403 · Jul 2018
An Addict’s Anthem
Makenzie Marie Jul 2018
You lie
And you blame
And it’s my fault
AGAIN

Every day
It’s the same.
Nothing will change.

“I’m doing my best”
The anthem you will always sing

But if your best can be chopped down by your own sad excuses
And fall with a crash
Leaving me in your wake
And the eternity you promised to create...
“Best”
Is a lie
Is it one you’re telling yourself all the time?
402 · Dec 2014
People say I'm strong...
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
I'm in
A constant state
of discomfort;
of pain.
Sickness
in my heart
and in my brain.
But people call me strong
anyhow.
They see what I try to
somehow.
The fraile
     fragile
     falling apart
state of my heart
is invisible to them.
So slowly
        and eventually
I'm beginning to see it,
or I'm just starting to believe it.
The strength in me
that everyone sees,
is everything I'm trying to be.
So I can only assume
that in some way I'm succeeding.
402 · May 2019
A Sinner’s Prayer
Makenzie Marie May 2019
I’m so sorry, Lord
I failed again
Even though I say I’m trying
It feels like I can’t

I can’t try
Without failing
And I fail
At trying

All the while I carry this cross
The weight seems so heavy to bear
And I stacked on the pounds
I was not unaware
But surprised when the last grain of rice tipped the scale
And I look back to see myself having failed

And then I stop and I think
(Not to dissipate the guilt,
But to accept my fate)
It was never written or taught
That you never tripped while you walked
Carrying your cross
To Calvary— for me.
And for a time even, you allowed
A friend to carry the weight
You, even, were not alone in your feat.

Lord,
I will look and behold
But strengthen my neck
To hold it up
Help lift my cross
So that I am not crushed
I want to dwell in your glory
But what do I know of Holy?

A year ago this was not me,
Somehow my direction changed
And slowly I turned from your face
And once you were just an arms length away
And now I’m in a valley
Looking miles up the Hill
Where you died for me

Today I am not the woman weeping
At your feet
But my Lord and God
I long to be


It was me
who nailed your hands and your feet.
Please, forgive me.

Forgive me Lord
It was me.
I am the cause of your sufferings.

Please show me what it is I need
To do to come to your mercy seat
Lead my feet And hold me

I will walk the road to Calvary
Or I will walk the road you paved for me.
I will collapse at your feet, begging,
Please forgive me.


I understand the one
Who washed your feet with her tears
And dried them with her hair

She saw your glory
And perhaps her misdeeds

And like so many heard
I long to hear the words
“Take up thy bed and walk”
Or, “thy sins are forgiven thee”

I will not pray,
“Please save me”
But “you have saved me.
Now please, please,
Change me.”

Make me more worthy
I know it might hurt
Cleaning the wounds imbedded with dirt
But you will wash me.
400 · Feb 2015
Be careful.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I feel protected
from any harm;
But I know better
I'm not safe in these arms.
395 · Aug 2019
At That Day
Makenzie Marie Aug 2019
I want to strive to be worthy of your grace. So that the day I see your face, my knees will hit the ground in praise, but my eyes don’t drop to the ground in disgrace.
394 · May 2019
Distance = Patience
Makenzie Marie May 2019
You won’t speak to me
Because all your energy
Was spent.
I guess this is the price you pay.
And I had warning
But living this is not the same.
And I have never felt as far away from you,
In every way,
As I do today.
393 · Dec 2018
Am I doing enough?
Makenzie Marie Dec 2018
I love you
I love you
I love you.

Please believe me.
I won’t say it but I hope you see it.
Makenzie Marie May 2019
Hearing your voice and breathing your scent and seeing your smile.
Wrapped in your arms and finding your lips and taking it in.
Hearing your laugh and catching my breathe and falling in love
I remember the moment.
Do you remember?
387 · Nov 2018
Recovery.
386 · Nov 2018
You are powerless to me.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
I need to learn to compartmentalize
Because I still sssociate you wish lies.
But soon you will be nothing in my eyes
You will no longer make me cry.
386 · Oct 2019
Her vs. Me
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
What did she have that I’m missing? What did you have then vs. now that changes things? It’s hard to feel like it’s not me. I’m sorry. I’m sure I’m adding to your stress and I’m sure I’m not helping but I just want you to see what this seems like to me, especially considering my history— nobody has ever been sure of me, really.
9/17/19
I get that it’s not me, now. thanks for explaining.
384 · Nov 2018
Dear World, Dear Self:
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
I wonder how many times
I can rip my heart out of my chest
Or heave it through my mouth
(I wonder which method hurts less?
Neither seem to make much sense)
To offer it to someone else
Before my heart strings snap one final time
And I’m on my own, and dying.

Love yourself,
And Stop crying.
382 · Nov 2018
Untitled
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
I want to see you.
And I feel like I’m putting you first in everything. Giving everything I can round up, to give you a measly offering in the form of what I can find of the shattered pieces of my heart.

Somehow you are the kind of person I will drop everything and drive an hour in a snowstorm at just the chance to do nothing with you. But only if you want me to.
380 · May 2019
Mighty
Makenzie Marie May 2019
If I can say unto this mountain
“Be Thou Moved”
I can surely move myself.

If I can say unto the waters
“Be dry”
Surely I can fill myself.

But these things I can only do,
Through You.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
I just want to know
What this is all about
I'm letting you in
But I think the door is open
So you can even more easily
let yourself out
I want to know what's on your mind
Because you might be something that I've been looking to find...
I mean You could be the glitter in my eye
But right now
You're just the reason
I stay up way too late
Thinking
And I think that's something I pretty much hate.
374 · Oct 2019
Patience, dear
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
Each day I am with you, you remind me why I am.
I used to get in my own way, questioning if things needed to change, needing to control every little thing.
But at some point there I took a breath, relaxed a bit, and dove in head first. Thank goodness I did.
372 · Sep 2019
How you love me
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
I trust you so deeply to respect me.
And every day you show me in one way or another, that you really do. You don’t just tell me, you show me, too.
369 · Aug 2019
My apologies, my God.
Makenzie Marie Aug 2019
Father, I’m sorry, because I’m not perfect.
And I know that’s what you ask of me. I’m trying to be but I’m obviously doing it imperfectly.
But the perfection I’m seeking isn’t something I can gain immediately. The perfection that I’m reaching for is not a finish line but it’s a journey.
But... What about when I make the same mistake repeatedly? What does that speak of me? “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”
And I’ll ask that you forgive me. For the big and the small things adding up to my day, or my week, of imperfectly trying, and sometimes failing. And it’s been said that in failure, there doesn’t need to be any finality. You organized a way for me and my family to grow and improve and be clean for eternity.
369 · Dec 2018
Fog, and Clarity
Makenzie Marie Dec 2018
Driving though snow
Makes me think
Of you and me
It brings me peace
Makes me happy
But I can only see so far in front of me.
So we’ll both have to be trusting
And drive carefully.
368 · Nov 2014
The Lost.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
Right
left
up
down
everything
that’s all around
is spinning fast
and getting jumbled
help me fast before it crumbles

I am lost
I am confused
I do not know which way to choose

I am sinking
drowning perhaps
I’ve lost my ship
so I guess that’s that
“man overboard” (yelled loud and clear)
but I lost my breath
just in time to not hear

Someone save me
Someone help
I don't want to be
All by myself

But,
In the dark and twisting waves
Someone reaches out.
There is someone who saves
Me from all the lost
inside myself
Somehow
someone helps.

everything will be alright
at the end of the tunnel there is light
There is hope right around
that corner you cannot yet see.
But trust me.
nothing is lost
that cannot be found
A tangible example of my personal process and attempt to talk myself out of the dark hole of depression that seems to regularly engulf me. Though I can find that light, somehow I always find myself jumping overboard right back into that dark hole. So here I am returning, adding to, and revising this poem. yet. again.
363 · Jan 2016
10.03.2015
Makenzie Marie Jan 2016
And I know that the whole poetic vernacular doesn't really resonate with you, but it doesn't matter much to me because I know that you think my mind is beautiful and I know that you love the words in my head and that's enough for me.
So thank you for thinking I"m beautiful. Thank you for complimenting my Sunday dress and for noticing when I part my hair differently. Thank you for complimenting me whether My makeup is done or not and no matter how long I've gone without washing my hair. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for holding on tight and for making me feel safe. Thanks for not being afraid to be yourself, and for making sure I know I can do the same. Thak you for being who you are, right now, and thank you for helping me be who I'm becoming, in this moment. Simply stated, I want to become that someone with you at my side.
More simply summarized, I am falling in love with you.
10.3.2015
361 · Nov 2018
For The Onlookers
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
Have you ever considered that what you're going through is not for you
it's for those watching for how you respond?
Give them hope.
361 · Dec 2018
In the Spaces.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2018
Can you feel it
Hanging in the spaces
Between our exchanges?

I hope you do,
I’m trying
To show you,  
I love you
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