packets of crisps empty not even crumbs are left the cookie jar is empty and that jug of sweet tea washed it all down so it could come up easy so it could come up into the toilet it goes along with my fear.
i am such a failure that if ana taught a class i would rarely pass i'm a slacker to her i try to skip her class but eventually get dragged in and if mia was a teacher i would be an old student rarely attending her class is no longer one i want my final grade for either of them would not be passing because i can't even be empty correctly
it starts slow each and every time losing sleep extra focus on school baggy shirts a sucker replaces breakfast quitting fun activities staying quiet more often eating only half my lunch shutting myself in my room baggy shirts become hoodies barely looking in mirrors lying becomes easy again the truth is harder to spit out that swallow feeling colder as the days go by making a game out of periods "hunger pains or cramps? haha guess i'll never know" melatonin almost every night mirrors make me sick lunch is cut out of the day making up excuses nobody questions cafeteria is pointless now spending lunch in the hallways sometimes a classroom dinner is only half touched water is the only thing that fills me school work and exercising takes up all my time
My life, is no longer my life My skin, is no longer my skin My mind and body isn't mine either It is yours Mia I have surrendered myself to you I am tired of fighting you I no longer have the energy For you have stolen that too I stand on both my knees Asking for your forgiveness Purge me of my guilt Allow my bone to be sharp as knives Stomach flat as paper Let my collerbones allow me to fly Fly far far away
good enough two words little words they grab hold of my thoughts this body is now on autopilot controlled by them they knitpick at this casing "it is unfitting and disgusting" is what this dictator screams what once was so painful to hear is now a symphony to my ears nodding my head to the beat the fingers move on their own they trail up to my mouth and past my teeth they tickle the back of my throat and grip hard and pull and pull they rip out every bit of joy from the inside until i am an empty well next the needle dances along my face it twirls around my lips and pulls in tight it's as if this is a romantic waltz that is until my stomach yells i realize the true purpose of the pretty ribbons sealing me shut "this is how to be like them" it echos for a short moment and i question it until she repeats him "you weren't good enough" once the door opens they all poor out a flood of every whisper and shout "you'll never be good enough" "not pretty enough" "not smart enough" "not thin enough" "not enough" and the battle begins again to be hallow is to be beautiful to be beautiful is to be small to be small is to be fragile to be fragile is to be empty to be empty is to be killing yourself to be killing yourself is to be good enough