So, I guess I'll start by saying that I have not done much to accomplish my goal of staying awake. I mean, usually I can just will power my way through it. But that doesn't always work. And I don't expect it to.
Second thing, I have no idea how to combat my sleep patterns. I mean it's sort of unpredictable and inconsistent. So maybe I will sleep just because. Not because I want to, but because I can.
And my current situation is sort of battling that decision of "sleep of no sleep".
It's a process that I'd rather not go through at the moment. So the sleep aside, I think that excitement of getting to Paris is nothing short of overwhelming.
but the curiosity of what it's going to be like is a weird thrill. Wondering what it'll be like to live there for a week. I'm still sort of nervous about it all and I'm still getting used to the though of it all.
So I guess I won't have much more to say until we actually get there. And I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to get there.
There's a guy I know who once used an entire 2nd period class to draw out his entire family line on the white board.
He explains in great detail the divorces, the half siblings, the brothers he truly cares for. And you forget that somewhere in this family tree, he exists.
And he talks....and talks....
It gets to a point where you forget he's monologging.
He stops talking about and slowly begins talking about his view on love and relationships. I forget that he comes from a somewhat messed up family.
I mean, I'm still optimistic about love. So much so that I forget that people don't see the world the way I do.
And he is... not as optimistic about love.
Or rather, he just doesn't see love as an opportunity worth chasing. He explains it as, "I can develop feeling for someone, but I don't act on them because I don't see the point."
Or something like that...
And well, I can't think like that.
So I'll leave this mindset here. I guess it's something worth talking about. I guess...
Let's me be honest when I call myself out for being a narcissist.
Because I am a narcissist when it comes to things like music, or poetry, or worldview.
In short, I'm pretty terrible.
But in my narcissism, there is a bit of a God complex.
Feeling like I am invincible and unshakable. Like no one is above me and like nobody can possibly be in my way.
Like I am in control of everything.
But definitely not like God.
I try to pull myself away from that kind of thinking because it dehumanizes me. It makes me something I don't want people to see.
It doesn't matter if I enjoy the insanity while it overtakes my body because eventually I will come to realize that this is not the life I want.
That I am better than this.
Am I not better?
I don't know.
Can you tell me?
Throughout our lives we develop our personality and our complicated states of mind.
And yet we still end up believing in our personal causes like it's world law. And sure, that may the most narcissistic thing I can think of right now, but it's my life is it not?
And yes, a lot of what I just said doesn't make complete sense.
Just bare with me.
I just went through hell.
And it takes the bravest and best of us to come back from that.
You may not know what happened to me, so I'll pick apart my psyche so that maybe I can understand what happened to me.
So here we go.
Stick around if you want the details.
and they told me to breath
and they said it'd be fine
each day gets better
darkness passes with time
but life is a circle
and it still comes around
so here i am waiting
and i finally found
this bullshit they spew
about love and the truth
my head cant wrap around
the ignorance ive found
so i gather my thoughts
and i tie them with string
and i hide them inside
till the day when i say
the darkness did win
This city I've moved to has severely stained me
It's beaten me down, strangled me, and pained me
The people and their rudeness here have too often drained me
But occasionally, they've sadly made me laugh and entertained me
I was watching a VHS tape of myself as a kid
Before all the bad things I later on did
And I wept when I saw all the life I have lost
I've grown up and moved on, but at what sort of cost?
And when I look into the mirror, I see nothing
Like a reflectionless vampire, always bluffing
Trying to convince the whole world I'm not out to drink their blood
Like I'm not intending to kill them and stick them in the mud
But that's what life is
Taking what's mine, stealing what's his
Killing the others, competition execution
Clearing the path and creating a solution
No one wants to be a silver metal
Or a shriveled daisy with only one petal
We fight to be golden, a name the world knows
We want to be a tulip, or a beautiful rose
But we all stink, depending who you ask
So I choose to smell like cigarettes and whiskey from my flask
I'm giving up on being great, I'm done trying the task
The shades are up, the light is shone, and I'm taking off my mask
Am I the only one
to see the darkness in your eyes,
to feel the hatred in disguise,
to hear the noise inside your head
that punctures walls and words unsaid,
to linger more each passing day,
and pick up thorns you throw away,
to bridge the gap, to fill the void,
to build the walls that were destroyed,
to find the sun within your night
and bathe you with this unseen light,
to crush your dreams and break your heart
and keep the pieces of your world
And so I ask, am I the one
or am I just another
let's take a walk.
a walk back to history.
yes i'm aware that's in the past and clearly the past means nothing to you but at one point it did so please at least pretend to be attentive.
well we can start with
the day we met.
oh did you think that was something i could forget?
don't try telling me you don't know what i'm talking about-- we're both well aware of your memory.
somehow both of our groups met up and we got to talking. only small chit chat. we ended up riding the phantom together. i pretended to be forced into it but not gonna lie i liked you. you made me feel something.
at the time that pissed me off. having a feeling made me mad. keep in mind i was a piece of shit then.
you liked me too. i knew it and that made me even more upset. i was a bitch to its truest definition. you liked me at my absolute worst.
at one point i was so awful that i finally pushed you away. honestly, i was upset that you stopped trying but i was in even more shock that you tried in the first place-- i mean, look at me. (i know you can't bare to anymore so i'm sorry.)
after my bitch phase, you were long gone and i pretended not to notice but here i am still telling you about it.
i hit rock bottom. i was in the middle of the ocean and i was touching some sort of ground and let me tell you it was deep but i guess mentally i had a choice in it all. i didn't mean to choose depression but i guess i must have. by the way i am an awful swimmer and i knew that diving in but maybe i wasn't hoping to come out alive.
so anyways, yes i was sad all of the time and no i could never figure out an answer of why. i tried to blame it on my friend dying and sometimes the way other people treated me but let's be honest here, i deserved all of that and truly i was just fucked up. still am though. but in that darkness of it all sometimes i got to see this little bit of light. i started to realize that you were often there when this light was on.
this one night we were at a fire together and it's funny because something else sparked between us and we had our own fire. ours lit up my dark room and damn it was nice to see again.
we kept talking and talking and more led to more and then we got into some deep shit but i wasn't scared of the deep end anymore because i knew i could trust you.
oh my. when you asked me on our first date i couldn't even handle it anymore. even my darkest corners were radiating with happiness. i had absolutely no temptation to go back down under.
and thank you. thank you thank you thank you. seeing above the water was so nice. i finally got a taste for life instead of salt water. and i was addicted. completely obsessed. i know you noticed it because you knew it wasn't a game anymore and maybe that's where i started to lose you.
i actually have no fucking clue where i lost you i'm just kind of on this guess and check process. and it's really fucking hard. i guess i'm good at math but only when it's equations and shit that makes sense but honestly i've used every reference sheet i've been given to try and figure this one out and i can't fucking get it. it's been bothering me. i can't stop scratching at my skin and pulling out my hair. i don't even mean to. i don't start to pick up on what i'm doing until an hour later and it starts to burn. but that's fine i can manage that. what i'm asking for you is some sort of clue. i need an answer jake and i don't know how much longer i can take until i go back under. i know i can't rely on you as my floatation device but i've found some stand-in replacements for the time being. i'll be okay. please just give me your solution. i am officially begging you i need this. i know you don't care about me anymore but i know you once did so please help me out just one last time.
i know you aren't who you were anymore because time changes us all but come on help a fucking girl out. i used to be your favorite girl in the world. doesn't that mean anything to you anymore? i guess not.
i can feel these floaties beginning to lose air and honestly i don't know how much i care. i think i'm starting to go back under. i'm pretty sure i told you i can't swim well. i'm sure you remember. maybe you're beginning to form a selective memory to try to forget everything behind us. i know. i'm trying too but this is definitely a scenario of easier said than done.
my goodness i forgot how much i liked the taste of salt water and i really do enjoy this darkness. i guess this is goodbye..
side note: you loved me through a lot, jake. and thank you. you've changed me as a person and i can say i have no regrets. but you loved me through my worst and to my best. but then you started going downhill. you're changing and that's all okay i understand. but you loved me at rock bottom and now that you're just in a little bump you expect me to leave? i pushed you away at one point and then you came back and look at what blossomed between us. i don't know where to go. i know i can love you through this but i'm not sure if you actually want me to. you're so much stronger than me and mentally you could deal with all of my havoc but my biggest weakness is how i think of myself so i don't know how much longer i can stick around. i'm sorry. please give me something to work with.
How much can you love someone?
why cant I just leave and be done?
why do I have so many questions..
not a doctor but I think I have depression.
Im stuck, inlove and in pain.
I once took a blade to my vain.
I wanted it to stop.
I just felt sad enough to drop.
I was blinded by a boy.
who acted like I was nothing but a whorish toy.
I still loved him, it could have just been the fact that he was my first.
I hated myself I hated him but he was the answer to my thirst.
How do you get ride of your thoughts.
the one that for the longest of time you fought.
it is shameful I know this but it is also a lesson.
even if its all done you can feel the lingering essen.