I can't write in the silence.
I write best, when there is music playing through my headphones.
When, part of my brain is preoccupied singing along to whatever is on the radio-
and to some that may seem counterproductive.

It's like suddenly, my inhibitions and fears of saying the wrong thing disappear and I can write freely.
Like being drunk, without the consequences.

I wish I was in the point in my life, I could simply say the words I need to say, instead of typing them.

If you've ever woken up in the dead of night
Feeling like you had to scream and howl
And you frantically start to gasp and write
Knowing you need to get everything out
Only to try and show it to the world the next day
And run when someone looks near you
Well, then you know just how my day
Looks if seen from my view

If you've ever written lyrics for all
To see, posting work anonymously
Feeling like you could swim over falls
And live your life courageously
And then you awake in the late evening
Because it's either the world's end or a branch on a pane
I don't have to explain exactly what I'm meaning
Because you and I feel the same

If you've ever known you're going mad
Even though you try to deny it
And then you wonder if it's actually bad
Later, you actually know it
But you don't dare to say anything
Because it will destroy your path and dreams
Then, I think you'll understand
Just what the hell I mean

i think i kinda like you
just a little too much.

i'm not gonna tell you about this
little infatuation

but i feel warm when
you smile because of me,

and my cheeks ache with grinning
when you laugh at something i do.

i told myself i never would,
know all the reasons why i

never should fall for you;
we're just not made like that.

this is... don't read into it
preferably? don't read it at all

this is something i've
considered for a long while

i'll laugh it off, call you my-
well, that'd be obvious

ruining us is the last thing
on my mind; but you

are the first thing on my mind
most days

god, i hate this. i'm so sorry.
i didn't mean to

i didn't mean to get confused about us
i didn't mean to wonder

mostly, i don't know how i feel
maybe i'm confusing friendship with romance

but i do know this:
your lips are ones i'd like to kiss

So, I guess I'll start by saying that I have not done much to accomplish my goal of staying awake. I mean, usually I can just will power my way through it. But that doesn't always work. And I don't expect it to.

Second thing, I have no idea how to combat my sleep patterns. I mean it's sort of unpredictable and inconsistent. So maybe I will sleep just because. Not because I want to, but because I can.

And my current situation is sort of battling that decision of "sleep of no sleep".

Anyways...

It's a process that I'd rather not go through at the moment. So the sleep aside, I think that excitement of getting to Paris is nothing short of overwhelming.

but the curiosity of what it's going to be like is a weird thrill. Wondering what it'll be like to live there for a week. I'm still sort of nervous about it all and I'm still getting used to the though of it all.

So I guess I won't have much more to say until we actually get there. And I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to get there.

There's a guy I know who once used an entire 2nd period class to draw out his entire family line on the white board.

He explains in great detail the divorces, the half siblings, the brothers he truly cares for. And you forget that somewhere in this family tree, he exists.

And he talks....and talks....

It gets to a point where you forget he's monologing.

He stops talking about and slowly begins talking about his view on love and relationships. I forget that he comes from a somewhat messed up family.

I mean, I'm still optimistic about love. So much so that I forget that people don't see the world the way I do.

And he is... not as optimistic about love.

Or rather, he just doesn't see love as an opportunity worth chasing. He explains it as, "I can develop feelings for someone, but I don't act on them because I don't see the point."

Or something like that...

And well, I can't think like that.

So I'll leave this mindset here. I guess it's something worth talking about. I guess...

Alright, alright...

Let's me be honest when I call myself out for being a narcissist.

Because I am a narcissist when it comes to things like music, or poetry, or worldview.

In short, I'm pretty terrible.

But in my narcissism, there is a bit of a God complex.

Feeling like I am invincible and unshakable. Like no one is above me and like nobody can possibly be in my way.

Like I am in control of everything.

Like God.

But definitely not like God.

I try to pull myself away from that kind of thinking because it dehumanizes me. It makes me something I don't want people to see.

It doesn't matter if I enjoy the insanity while it overtakes my body because eventually I will come to realize that this is not the life I want.

That I am better than this.

I mean...

Am I not better?

I don't know.

God?

Can you tell me?

Throughout our lives we develop our personality and our complicated states of mind.

And yet we still end up believing in our personal causes like it's world law. And sure, that may the most narcissistic thing I can think of right now, but it's my life is it not?

And yes, a lot of what I just said doesn't make complete sense.

So...

Just bare with me.
I just went through hell.
And it takes the bravest and best of us to come back from that.

You may not know what happened to me, so I'll pick apart my psyche so that maybe I can understand what happened to me.

So here we go.

Stick around if you want the details.