You think that thought
You hold your breath
You press into your skin, but theirs no regret.
You let it go.
You dropped it, the metallic blade hitting the floor.
You don’t know how much of this you can take anymore.
You feel like you’ve lost your mind, there’s just all these thoughts whirling around inside.
Crimson drips from the crease, at least tonight I get to feel a freedom of release.
You tread a fine line
Afraid to look down.
Instead, pretend to be fine.
Avoid the doubts and fears.
No matter the cost,
The floods of tears.
They come biting back.
A welcoming snack.
Latched on for dear life.
You find solace
At the edge of a knife.
Comforted and bewildered.
Malignant, yet benign.
You are bruised and blistered.
Here is where growth lies.
My recovery was like climbing a mountain
But so worth it
Then I lost my footing
Now I'm laying at the bottom
All beaten up and broken
Too hurt and tired to start again
I guess I hoped that you
Would get some sleep last night
That come the break of dawn
Things would be alright
But here we are again
And you haven’t slept a wink
Relapse is a ghastly cavern
And you’re standing on the brink
You’re smiling like a maniac
And you rattle on and on
But I was up late worrying
Forgive me if I yawn
Your eyes are open wide
Like you’ve had too much caffeine
I know where this is going
But you’ve made it three years clean
If you could just get sleep
Maybe you’d wake up okay
And these monsters that you battle
Would simply go away
I lie to myself now
Just so I can make it through
I know that you’re in pain
But don’t you know, I’m hurting too?
I know it’s not my battle
And I can’t make you see the light
But I’m so tired of the darkness
And I’m so weary from the fight
And I guess I hoped by now
That this would’ve come to pass
But since it didn’t, won’t you try
To get some sleep at last
i thought i was getting better
a better sister
a better friend
a better human
a better weight
a better student
a better daughter
a better mental health
but it was just a lie
Relapse tastes like cheap beer and clenched fists
Lust for life and homelessness
Flooded with nostalgia from the very first sip
Love is a cold aluminum kiss
Hazy dazed laziness
Sunshine & spit
Miller Lite is my favorite weapon
Toxic intoxicated entanglement
Liquid courage & devious motivation
Watch me drink the poison expecting everyone else to die
I'm only lying because I love you
Flame too hot to touch
Burning down everything... I cared about it all once.
Myself, my life, my reputation
But what's the f*cking point?
Giving a **** is just premeditated disappointment.
How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?
The inevitable irresistible slip, over and over
All over this meaningless existence
A drowning person is not troubled by the falling rain
Embracing pain I've ignored far too long
Chasing dragons, suspended in denial.
I am delusional with love.
Bruised, eluding these illusions.
Cling to what feels safe.
Cold, calculated; Jaded smile.
I'm hiding behind it all my nasty habits and the tragedies of my past.
A mystery, or just a loser encased in egotistical gluttony?
Can you find me?
It does not end abruptly, nor is it brief.
It begins with sleeping in too late,
Sometimes lunch or dinner is forgotten,
Laughter sounds hoarse, even forced
They didn't do up their seatbelt yesterday,
Pharmacies will call for missed refills,
They won't make plans for next month,
Eventually they won't make plans at all,
When is the last time they showered?
Did you see them eat the other day?
Is their phone off?
Have you heard anything?
Is it relapse if it's not a drug?
Is it a drug if I have to hide it?