travis 18h
good enough
two words little words
they grab hold of my thoughts
this body is now on autopilot controlled by them
they knitpick at this casing
"it is unfitting and disgusting"
is what this dictator screams
what once was so painful to hear
is now a symphony to my ears
nodding my head to the beat
the fingers move on their own
they trail up to my mouth and past my teeth
they tickle the back of my throat and grip hard and pull and pull
they rip out every bit of joy from the inside until i am an empty well
next the needle dances along my face
it twirls around my lips and pulls in tight
it's as if this is a romantic waltz
that is until my stomach yells
i realize the true purpose of the pretty ribbons sealing me shut
"this is how to be like them"
it echos for a short moment and i question it until she repeats him
"you weren't good enough"
once the door opens they all poor out
a flood of every whisper and shout
"you'll never be good enough"
"not pretty enough"
"not smart enough"
"not thin enough"
"not enough"
and the battle begins again
to be hallow is to be beautiful
to be beautiful is to be small
to be small is to be fragile
to be fragile is to be empty
to be empty is to be killing yourself
to be killing yourself is good enough
Often, I think back.
Grip on the childhood
uncurls, slowly.
If the muscles don't fail,
bones will break. Oh,
Did you ever get
over your neglect?
Comes and goes,
Bexis, comes and goes.
Too high an expectation,
receive your input
and your feedback.
Grip on my childhood
memories loosens,
sudden. In your descent,
you grow terminal.
Your heart beats so hard
it might rip through
your ribs to fly upward,
back to the summit.
All your love, it is not lost, I
lap you up, still.
Is this separation unreal?
I can never figure out if
I'm naive or cynical,
if I'm worthy or worthless.
How did you feel,
when with me?
How did I feel,
when with you?
If the muscles don't fail,
bones will break.
If we play with what's at stake,
will we ever learn and grow?
And if so, is it worth this grinning ghost?
We'll make it,
either way.
What use to hurt me before
Continues to hurt me now
Though, the people who gave me pain
Are no longer allowed
I realize I still hurt myself
By keeping bad memories around
I am the only one hurting me
A type of self-harm that is mentally bound
I don't want to be in pain no more
Yet I allow life to bring me down
Because that voice is always with me
An inner voice so profound
It's easier to say I'm fine, just tired
As if my reply was a movie
Cutting out the details and generalizing
In a way, not giving the whole story
Read me to know more
Though it may be long and tedious
Only for the people who want more
Who will love me more serious
When I say I'm tired
I am tired of life
So when I become more distant
I'm just trying to survive
Enzo 5d
You were my happy pill,
A drug I would chug down with sugar and wine
Giving me medicine for my sins

You were the substance to my life
The substance that I abused
Getting me high so I dont feel the lows
Knocking me out into sleep every night

With you, I was a ******
Always happy and all jumpy
Getting funky and needy

But since you've been gone I'm relapsing
Rehashing the feelings of intoxication
Missing it, craving it, wanting it, needing it
Rehashing it:
Missing you, crazing you, wanting you  needing you
Get high
Christopher Jan 4
Sing a hymn
Sing a song.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
A ***** I am no more.
So now freely shall I roam

Onwards to a brighter future,
To a brand new start.
Pack your things and we'll tear away once that they had started.

But why?
Why burn something so nice?
Claim it for yourself.
Make something new!
Trust me why don't you.

Let's work it!
Keep it as it was,
Maybe place this chain here so I won't forget where I'm going.

Its okay, it's not a like it was before.
Just...

Different
Funny how free I thought I'd be once they called it off.

Yet I find myself going back to where it all happened.
Those silent wars unknown to most
Are the important ones to win
Concealed ongoing wars
Can be easily brushed off with a grin
When the room is filled with absence
Nothing to overshadow your mind
Your thoughts lead you to places
Mindlessly, to where the fight resides
The darkest hours, truly are
Call the strongest foes out
Attacking old scars just healed
Bringing your defences down
While the rest sleep in dreams
Your demons like to hide
Behind the facade of the dark
Where past dreams have died
They use darkness as deception
To camoflauge what you perceive
To portray as frightening as they want
For as long as you believe
You are breathless with fatigue
Lying in a puddle of your tears
For another fight was won that night
Another battle against your fears
More understanding and acceptance
Be understanding and accept it
If all I do is understand and accept
What is there to be mad about
What is there to hate
If there is no reason to justify it
How can I indulge in these basic human emotions
When logic and reasoning
Command my heart
All this pent up rage
With no outlet to rid of it
I fear that someday
It will turn into animalistic madness
Because you didn't allow me to feel
As if I had to ask permission
To be upset yet every time I ask
Just understand and accept it
How high I've built my tolerance
It is impenetrable
How difficult it is to shake me
And how strenous it is
For my feelings to escape
Every barrier they break through
Each time, they deteriorate
Barely making it to the surface
Only decades old emotions
Are strong enough to make it through
Lifelong sadness and anger
That will take centuries to sooth
Helena Wayte Dec 2018
The yellows swirl and stir,
Awakening this repressed fervor.

In gold flakes that cling and sting,
Your spotlight falters, dancing in a ring;
A reflection of the sun.

Around my head we spun,
Drunken and lost in this rendezvous,
Floating - fleeting, just like you.

Scorched by your misguided torch,
A sun spot, a momentary blotch
On my patchy pink skin.

I was on my way to recovery,
Now stopped by a possibility
That I try to wash down,

To drown
In every guilty sip.
I know there is no end

As I contemplate the taste
Of your drink and
My need for haste;

The sorrow it brings,
As the cogs in my mind turn
And the imprint of us burns

Up in flickers and flames-
I alone should take the blame.
Falling in love is a blameless chore.
It's difficult to recover
Since you can't really
Take a break
Because if you do
It's a chance to suffer
Again, from this debilitating fate
It feels like an ultimatum
Do or die
Fall or fly
When I simply wish to be
Somewhere safe in the middle
When I am tired of fighting
Or I'm tired of flying
I just want to lie still and float
I want to be embraced by the cotton sky
Or lay on a bed of waves
That rocks me so slow, it soothes me
When I want to do nothing and just be
My emotional baggage
Has transformed into wings
Large enough to soar
But when I fall it weighs in excess
So I fall and savour the moment
When I can finally rest in peace
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