I have a passion to give.
A passion to inflict love onto others.
A passion to become the best.
However, as the time peels by, the passion churns into an obsession. An obligation.
I must help others.
I must love others.
I must be the best.
The time keeps ticking, and even though I’m barely keeping my head above these flood of emotions, I must be this ideal, “passionate” person.
I can’t keep up.
What have i become? These self-made obligations are killing me.
I’ve become obsessed with giving so much of myself that i didn’t notice i was drowning.
I don’t have the energy to keep going. But i must.
How do you recover from giving so much of yourself, when you have nothing left to give? To others? To myself?
This life of passion has made me hollow and i just want to feel again. No matter the cost, because i must.
A rush of blood to the head
The excitement of dread
Do we yearn for the reasons we bled?
To be free from reality
You can't see your mortality
Why the devil loves hospitality
Nobody watches him slide through the door
You give him everything yet he somehow wants more
Let him tear up the carpet
That was the last time
These urges keep coursing through my mind.
The feelings it brought the sensation I felt.
It was my own personal drug that no one will take.
My body tingles as the feeling of it comes running through my head and i can almost feel it .
But almost isn't enough.
I need it, I crave it, it was the one thing keeping me sane.
And it's been gone for so long it frightens me.
The thought of never feeling it again.
So I whisper as I stand alone in my room my hands shaking in anticipation "Just one more time, one more time and I'll stop.
No one has to know it'll be our little secret.
I have known this fool from half way through high school,
And the best part about it is watching the fool replace himself
With the will of gods that only exist in myths,
And the strength of a thousand dead martyrs.
And it's gonna get harder man, it's gonna get a lot harder-
But the longer you remain,
your bones will begin to hold the secrets
On how to kill your demons.
The longer you remain,
The endorphins will drift from your veins
And your soul will take their place.
In 2017, at this age,
What normal human being isn't coping with these societal traditions
By forcing their brain into addiction?
These are ancient laws of man, transcending modern knowledge.
Evolution made us capable of questioning our origin or divinity,
And some dare say that an imaginary man gave them this gift of sight;
Societal traditions to condition us into complacent perpetuation of the history that enslaves us.
Lately I haven't been able to hold one train of thought without
Going off the rails, but instead of crashing and burning,
I just travel at the speed of light around all the answers
that could be right.
Ultimately you inspired me to say
I am so proud that you are here today.
With my brothers wild spirit tamed by opiates,
He lingers on my bicep in memorial form
He lingers in the prayers I whisper to the dead,
As gods do not hear your prayers.
(they are too busy creating universes and
punishing their own creations
for acting out of free will)
My prayers are answered by people I know,
Whose physical forms met quietus.
They live on in otherworldly favors,
They live on in signs and vibes.
There is more to death than meets the eye.
Tangent after tangent,
I shall come to a close.
My brother was lost to needle and tar:
He passed away at the grocery store,
In the emptiness of his only car.
My friend, you are not lost
And you are still with us.
I'm so proud you now know the cost
Of instantaneous gratification offered by
The murder drug.
Idle hands unseen, scarred and alone,
A tortured mind left unfettered by his fellow man,
The flesh falters and slips, heart hardened to stone,
Eyes burn like hellfire, again he slices off his lifespan.
His river now barren and dry,
The soil around him consumes and devours,
Time unspent well, his end is deformed and awry,
Decades birthing years, birthing days, birthing hours.
For the times we go wrong and when we inflict pain...
No matter how we change... Apologetic we still remain!!
For once when you fissure a relationship there will be a persistent stain!!
In the long run... Apologetic we remain..
When you are man of your words, but a guy with undone promises... Your image doesn't remain the same...
Even though you start fresh... But within... Apologetic you still remain!
It's all gone now... It has changed!!
The bond has lapsed and grown... But still... Apologetic you remain!
For a tear shed under the dark night... And the ignorant sight... It's not blame game.!
You cut your ego ur pride... But still apologetic we remain....
You often wanna talk it out but you have not words to say...
It's not because of your ego.. But as apologetic we still Remain...
You mess it up... You break a heart... Your actions do things worst than getting parched...
You wanna go undo... You wanna go back in time to ooze out the pain..
But it's too late... Now apologetic we remain...
You thought you are mighty... Attitude flows in your vein..
But turns out your so feeble... That apologetic we remain...
It has vanished but has left a scar.... For once little it get exposed all your smile dies in vain...
You have your heart out... You have build a trust... But within... Apologetic we remain!!
Apologetic we remain!!
What does it mean
to be better
First I smiled
then I sighed
Back then I asked myself
Does better feel like what I feel now?
The answer is no
I fell back into old ways
Wanting to get better
I had nothing to aim for
Still as clueless as before about what is meant
I look in the mirror
Have I gotten better?
I've gotten worse
I'm more clueless
Do I want to get better?
Tell yourself you're worthless a thousand times a day
create a work of abstract art on your arms, blue veins aren't the only lines painting the canvas
forget what a smile looks like, but remeber what happiness felt like
sleep the days away, become a night owl and your prey is your own brain
kill every ounce of humanity that once remained
become the lifeless corpse you pictured in your grave.
begin to sew the open wounds back together
start to remeber what a smile was and taste the sweetness of the sun in the day
live in your warmth, thrive in happiness
did life truly get better? are you finally happy again?
revert back to your old ways
the golden days were just a figment of your imagination
a wonderland of sorts
happiness for you my dear, is never to be truly obtained.
you're worthless remember? you don't deserve it.