Tell yourself you're worthless a thousand times a day
create a work of abstract art on your arms, blue veins aren't the only lines painting the canvas
forget what a smile looks like, but remeber what happiness felt like
sleep the days away, become a night owl and your prey is your own brain
kill every ounce of humanity that once remained
become the lifeless corpse you pictured in your grave.
begin to sew the open wounds back together
start to remeber what a smile was and taste the sweetness of the sun in the day
live in your warmth, thrive in happiness
did life truly get better? are you finally happy again?
revert back to your old ways
the golden days were just a figment of your imagination
a wonderland of sorts
happiness for you my dear, is never to be truly obtained.
you're worthless remember? you don't deserve it.
they tell addicts
to move away
from the places
they once scored each hit
so she deleted
from her playlist
and never stepped foot
near the place you met
because she was addicted to you
and she knew
if she had even a taste
of what you once were
she would crumble
just like your relationship did
she was an addict
and you were her drug
dont make her relapse
Not saying I'm mad
Just saying that I've had
Enough of the bullshit
You continue to rule shit
Feeding on my young soul
Make off with self control
And where is my brother?!
The fact that I can't speak to my mother
I'm so afraid she'll discover
All this time I never actually... Recovered
But all feelings aside
Or what's left of them, subdivide
My once constant retaliations, are now merely implied
Moreover, You kidnapped my soul and continue to preside.
i can't do most of the things I used to
my sensitive stomach is now back to the state it seems to belong in
tied in never ending, always tightening knots
4 hours, 3 hours, 2, 1, half an hour
I go until im numb and nearly collapsing
eyes glazed and burning feeling as though
they'll crack at any given moment
because I can't do most of the things I used to
a hot cup feels like it can destroy me
but the stinging and lovely burn seems to reside in me
like something that was meant to be all along
old habits do die hard, eventually at least
but now I know what the decay can do
it simply brings out whats even worse next spring
I don't want to be sick anymore
She whispered to herself
As tears fell down her cheeks
She contemplated her health
Her eyes have opened, you see
To the relapse she endured
"How could I let this happen to me?"
I thought that I had learned
But mental illness isn't that simple.
It's all my fault, it's all my fault
Her mind starts to insist
I should've known better
I could've done better
Guilt bothers her like a cyst
I'm tired of living this way
I'm tired of all of this
To recovery I will commit
Recovery is not a golden path
Easy to stroll down
It's long, it's arduous
But worth it
So worth it.
Otherwise in my thoughts I'll drown.
I will fight
I will take more care
For this new battle
I am prepared
Blaming myself will not help
Negativity is poison as well
Strength, perseverance and might
Will lead me out of this malevolent shell
I want you to not forget.
That you've tried this route before.
It didn't fix anything.
Temporary 30 second buzz.
Isn't worth the shame or headache.
You still end up right where you left off.
You're so much more than this.
You are hurting, you need a shoulder to cry on.
Not a bottle of illusion.
Scream, cry, sing... your way through it.
The feeling will pass.
It always does.
I know it feels impossible right now & this seems like a good solution.
But I promise you it's not.
Think about your beautiful children...
They are your world.
You are teaching them how to love themselves by your actions.
So love yourself furiously.
For you are so worthy.
Call a friend, ask for a hug.
You aren't alone.
You don't have to do this.
All alone in my sorrow
His stench surrounds me
I try to close my eyes and there he is again
I open my eyes... he's there
No matter what I do he's there
Like cockroaches climbing all over my body
I wanted to sedate myself and lay in bed all day
Moms don't get time off though
The days are long, the work is endless.
I tried to shove food down my throat to fill that deep hole within.
Didn't work, made me nauseous & in pain.
The voice within says...
You deserve to be in pain.
Take it you worthless piece of crap.
I agree, as I do what I'm told.
Vomit on my hands, vomit on my face.
Surely this is the look of a piece of garbage.
I feel better for a split second as I was able to subconsciously vomit my feelings.
I wish I could vomit the memories that haunt me.
I wish I could suffocate my feelings like the thoughts suffocate me.
In this moment I give up.
I'm tired of working hard to be better.
People don't want the real me.
They want the me that they want me to be.
My authentic self isn't good enough.
I drink my sorrow away.
For a moment I'm able to escape my pain.
I feel high...
Enjoy the moment, for you need to get back to battle very soon.
Yesterday I took two.
Today I took one
I still ate too much,
I never learn.
I did though once,
It's just it's harder when you know you could get caught.
I told myself that it's okay,
Because I need it
Not because some people do it to get thin.
I did, I think I might be doing it again.
Fuck Wtf Am iDoing
Making This Worse For My Self
And Re Picked Up
This iS Were iT Starts.
Should Begin To Worry
iTs Way To Early!
Already On A Thin Line The Last Chapter iN My Life
till My Death Story.
iM Killing Me Slowly
By Taking This Substance.
My Times Ticking
My Hearts Beating
As iContinue To Use
More Like Abuse.
iCant Just Take
1 Line Or Smoke 1 Bowl
And Save The Rest.
iGo All About And Have To Do Every Last Bit.
Then iGo On Again To Finding A Way To Get More Of it.
It's not that hard.
You were in the swing of it before,
But then you thought you had done enough to stop.
You reproduced these thoughts;
You could just make them stop;
Make them leave and go away.
You know they're not real,
You brought them here,
But you're fine now:
You don't have to do this anymore.
Maybe it's another way of being a failure,
Because you'll never get it right,
But you tell yourself you do
Every time you trip up and catch yourself.
"That's enough for now" you say.
It proves the point that there's something,
But you don't have the right,
You're not even putting up with it.