I am afraid I'll be sad forever
Nothing brings out a smile
When I am down I often forget
It is only for a while
I am scared I'll never be fixed
My broken heart will never mend
When it's aching it feels like
Pain might not ever come to an end
I fear my instability
Urges to make a deep incision
Temporary emotions pushing me
Towards a permanent decision

You were a dark splash of rain
Looking for laughter to brighten cloudy skies
I was an innocent ray of sunshine
You dimmed my light with your haunting eyes

I will never again say "Baby" instead of "Paul"
This body will not be yours
Days of blissful chaos are over
Had my fill of slamming doors

The world holds endless possibilities
Not one close to my true desire
Freedom may have been my decision
Was broken until my trust retired

It hurts more than I could believe
Sincerity in your eyes
Wish I could remove my heart
Before it is exposed to your lies

We're racing to our headstones and I'm leading the pack
Zero rationality left here to extract
Decided to listen to own judgement first
I admit in the past it's been the worst
My tears help me float when I collapse
Circles round my heart til I find a hold to graspt
Mind and emotions seem to disagree
Act hard because I am softer than I'd like to be

I close eyes and count to ten
Take shaky breath of air
Hesitate to open them
Afraid to see you are no longer there
I want to make you happy
Sometimes that seems so tough
Despite golden intentions
Efforts are never enough
Then we build expectations
Late into night
At first both exceed them
Until sparks ignite fight
Yet fire lights lantern
To guide way through the dark
Ecstasy acts as glowing beacon
On weightless journey I embark
Your laughter rings like chords in ear
You got me above clouds so high
Trust earned like a certification
Learning to let hang loose fears you untie
Teaching to speak with a tender tongue
Feeling finer than I have in years
I hope that beneath the surface
Devotion is as deep as it appears
Appreciating your words and savoring
Time we have before it disappears

Life is such a simple thing
At 18 years of age

When you have just bought your first car
A black 95' Ford Tempo

Reconstructed title
License plate boldly bearing the name "WRECK"

Keys pressed eagerly into an excited palm
As you head home to learn how to drive a manual


You never ever did get good at operating a stick shift, did you?

I love you so ******* much
I'm sorry it does not always show
Believe me when I tell you your touch
Means more than you will ever know

Rambunctious thoughts, undeserving of birth,
Blotted onto the screen,
Uncontrollably checking scarce notifications,
He is not worth my impatient routine.

Will not let you implant in my head
Totally broken-up yet well-meant perspectives,
I wrote a letter but lacked the courage
To read with proper affective.

All I need is opportunity,
Inside me feelings brew and fester,
Mind is slowly poisoned,
I felt obsession pester.

Find reasons in overanalyzed words,
Left with echoes of the past,
Wolves begin to howl regretfully,
Our feral emotions somehow amassed.

You are a co-worker I will truly miss
So I thought and decided to write you this
Working by your side has always been great
Even on days you clocked in a little late
I am glad your acquaintance I got the chance to know
Have a great life no matter where you go
Have a safe trip back to your own country
Now you'll always have these words to remember me

I would tell me a joke but don't think I can laugh
Do not wanna waste a punchline
Open my mouth and hear my voice
The words spoken aren't mine
Syllables beyond recognition
Fail to accurately recite
The sentences arranged within
Speech not coming out right
Overlapping ideas in my brain
Equal a blurry picture
I guess depression plus memory loss
Makes for a terrible mixture

As I stare at blank sheets
To jot down my thoughts
Realize how alone I feel
Only friends are vacant lots

These restraints tighten around my words
Keeping in place
Long to leave their chamber
They're running out of space

I really want company
Singing solo to an empty room
The cage known as my conciousness
Lyrics of honest emotion attempt to bloom

Remembering yet unable to manifest
Moments sliding around mind
My suffering festers in seething sores
Until despair is finally defined

Think I understand more than you give me credit for
Faces constantly changing, where is the one I adore?
Hands and heart try to hold you in the same place
Make you warm again, your fire I cannot replace
Hunger you selfishly follow around
Has you chasing heated urges, areas unfound
Hear you talk but never speak
The shivers say unspoken needs so weak
I love when you need my protection
You hate it, build a wall to guard imperfection
Abruptly attempting to cover up flaws
Our bodies fail, your effort has earned applause
It is too early to end the show you started
But beauty can be discovered in what's departed
I'd attempt one last time to say farewell if I were you
In cold weather lose words to feelings so blue
Locked in the past by mistakes you keep making
They've added up, now you're broken, aching
Time will repair, but can never rewind
Find strength to leave beloved memories behind
Your body may be a ****** battleground
Don't have to hide it when it's just me around
Wonder if you hide from my sight or your own
I dream of glimpsing the guilt and shame unknown
We both harbor a large reserve of regrets
Not totally hating eachother as good as it gets
Which one of us will come to our senses first?
I gave you my best, you treated me the worst
Like many others have done
You made me cry, used me for your fun
The thought of letting you do it again
Makes my blood cold as I write with my pen
Frozen, alone, you haven't moved, you won't try
Still in the exact spot I left you in, explain why
Leaving embarrassing defeats behind in the past
Is your only hope for a change that will last
Underneath layers of denial lurks hidden sin
Evidence laid out like a map on your skin
I offer a different path but you decline
On a bed of risky routine you'd rather recline
Perfect lips yet your words don't sound right anymore
Try to shut my ears but some itches I can't ignore
Vivid colors surrounding are not as vibrant now
My heart still hopes we'll end up together somehow
Each moment without our souls intertwined
Has been nothing but dark, your absence leaves me blind
Pain touches each and every emotion I feel
Beginning to realize some injuries don't heal
My heart cut open, love bleeding out
Want to believe, instead filled with doubt
The longer we linger, drag this on
Worse it will feel when we realize it's gone
I'm chasing laughter, stalked by fear
Running after closeness that no longer lives here
All the wrongs you hid so desperately from me
Too late to reverse and do things differently
Shut me out of your life when the only thing I ever wanted
Was to be next to you facing demons you alone confronted.

They say things must change
With me the whole world stands still
Life just stays the same

Do not smoke if you want to breathe

You cannot inhale polluted air expecting your lungs to continue being clean

That night you first kissed me
Was scared to say how much you meant
I had never met a guy as special as you
Eight years ago I already knew you'd leave a dent

Guilty of letting myself fall too hard
Filled with determined hope
Had never experienced real bliss before
Happy ending dangling from a reachable rope

Was young, silly enough to believe
A little attention made me pretty special
Eyes held promise and longing
No longer alone, with the devil

Together drowned in forever feelings
Underneath bright hallway lights
Vivid memory impossible to undo
I will not forget that exhilarating night

Leaning on femininity as an excuse

Me being the opposite gender equivalent to being handicapped in a wheelchair

But biological differences are not a disability
They are unique birth attributes
My extra chromosome doesn't make me less of a person it just makes me less of a man

******* my thumb like a nervous toddler

I fooled her into believing
Retained the innocence of a child

And like a baby cried into the void around me without reason

She licked wounds I pretended to have like a lioness cleans the fur of her cubs

Slurping my regrets like spaghetti noodles

I hid truth and to reciprocate she exposes my vulnerability as an infant

Despite deception she still longed to fix whatever made me lie in the first place

And that made me realize
Wasn't acting like a babe anymore

That night was a newborn again

There is no heaven
There is no hell
Those are just lies
Us humans tell
I found both
Not in the skies
Or underground
But in your eyes

Like a feather long to float far from here

Falling gracefully
Greener grass

Your lips function as a compass
Guiding way

Every time we kiss come closer to the peace I desire

You blew me away
One simple whisper

Away from living hell with wind created by a single word

You had come rushing in
Turning life upside down
Tornado of the loveliest design

It was your hot breath that sent my whole body tumbling in a whirlwind of time and ecstasy

Before a breeze could not even shuffle papers resting on my desk
Now a sigh is all it takes to devastate my life
As long as exiting YOUR mouth

Come to warm meadows with me

Way
Way
Above us we'll go

Two letters uttered from you
We'll shoot like rockets into the sky

Hi

I let it build up too long again.
The bin is overflowing with stinky garbage and now a simple chore has become a huge ordeal.
If I could regularly dispose of all the toxic negative thoughts accumulated in my brain it would be a relatively easy process.
But I procrastinate until all the insecurities, fears, and anger become too heavy to lift
So I drag the ******* bag behind me as it leaves a trail of stinky slime in it's wake.
I get rotten trash juice all over my hands as I dump all my emotions onto paper.
When it's all taken out and empty and I am exhausted
I put in a new liner and let the trash begin piling up again.

Exhausted from rapid obsessing
All I feel is aggressive doubt
To darkest hidden corners
My mind, heart, it flows throughout.

Deepest wounds make a home
Between buried thoughts in brain
Bleeding steady streams of uncertainty
I show nobody my pain.

Stomach knotted tight with effort
I wait for someone to notice
Difference in how I speak
I am in the background, something's amiss.

I am shouting "help!" with a silent mouth
In this world colors do not belong
Wondering why I overthink each  action
And why feelings persistently steer me wrong.

Get attatched very easily
To  the coldest, wicked, damaging touch
Let guys I fell for destroy soft parts
Denied truth because I loved so much

Pretty sure there is something wrong with me
A mutation somewhere in DNA
It's like no matter how great life is going
Somehow everything still appears grey.

Transparent, see right through my skin
Walking through crowds alone
Dreaming of better days
Harboring thoughts I own.

Long to travel far from here
Can't sleep with all this stress
My mind my biggest enemy
Memory I can't evict or put to rest.

Mistakes coursing through blood
Screaming to get on the right track
Frightened I am not capable of succeeding
Failures precariously balanced in a stack.

Images as clear as the instant they occurred
Until eyes distort edges, greatly exaggerate
Have to write to distract accelerating thoughts
Words and stanzas my reliable escape.

Always there whenever, wherever I am at
My brain a dangerous nest
Sometimes the ideas I overanalyze
Become tangled and knotted then manifest.

Wishing to be a better person
My value I cannot comprehend
Instead focus solely on flaws
Insecurity never seems to end.

My self-esteem I ripped out of this body long ago
Self-respect not long after that
I traded both for a phony veil of joy
To stop feeling the pain of the place I was at

It never outlasted the strength of the ache
Now I own meager scraps and not much else
A heart in disrepair, aura colored black, muted spirit,
Hands sore and ****** from punishing myself

A hole or two would be just fine
But in my chest something's gone dark
A great persistence possesses me to poke
Until my hurt arms are covered in marks

All the way throughout my scarred skeleton
Sorrows lay scattered, sadness strewn about
They invited insecurities in to stay
Now not a single one will get out

Organs uncomfortably crowded by
Irrational fears, worries, and questions
Anxiety multiplies with a million other things
I would really rather not mention

The few shreds of confidence I had
Finally got fed up and fled
Leaving only doubt and shame
Plus negative thoughts echoing in my head

I used to harbor peace inside my marrow
All I feel there now is hurt
Carefree shrugs and smiles departed
Took refuge somewhere buried under dirt

There is not a lot here remaining
Of the person I was before
Better qualities packed up
And exited out the nearest door

These days I'm made of stubborn self-hatred,
Cloudy skin, empty eyes, lifeless hair, no beauty,
Addiction replaced the brightness of my soul with broken bulbs,
Yeah, there's not much here left of me

I wish I was able to wave a magic wand
Take all our broken pieces
Put us together perfectly
Without cracks, chips, and creases.

I wish I was an ancient shaman
Who could heal with just one touch
Caress each and every wound and fracture
Soothe pain so doesn't hurt as much.

I wish my muscles could bear both our burdens
Not falter under their weight
Peace the impossible destination
When we carry baggage we hate.

I wish we could rise high above
Small opinions of close-minded folk
It seems perfect until someone makes a comment
Reminding me our relationship is a joke.

I wish the day would come where we walk hand-in-hand
Without obstacles in our way
Across this beautiful atlas
Not stopping until far away.

I wish for a paintbrush
Large enough to paint the sky blue
Tried different shades of navy and indigo
I never could find the right hue.

I wish I had the ability to sculpt
A duplicate of your heart out of clay
Savor these wild emotions
Relive your love day after day.

I wish I was cold enough to make time freeze
But precious minutes and hours won't bend
When will I discover that love never lasts?
Time destroys all things in the end.

I am counting every breezy day
Waiting to feel the smile of May
I watch and enjoy seasons fight
For dominance night after long night

Heavy lies the weight of Spring
While Summer is harnessing
Warmth to pull us out of suspense
Away from the sun's negligence

Shadows mill uneasily about
Leaving traces of shade and chill throughout
Foiling Spring's clever plan
Disappointing woman and man

The shift in weather nearly complete
Children soon will run with bare feet
Snow is melting, no longer white
Summer is just within my sight.

Look at the eyes in my own reflection
Young yet full of so much pain
I wear invisible armor undetectable
To keep guarded from love's aim

Padded heart is cushioned well
Securing feelings when I fall
My ears braced for the eventual goodbye
Ready to crash each time you call

My eyes prepared for the tears to flow
Deep purple bags will appear again soon
My emotions are made of glass
Worn smooth by tides pulled by the moon

Can't ******* hesitation?
Interest can be a dangerous game
Take your hand with the expectation
It will end like others, always the same

Plucking my disappointments from within
Send to a distant land
Tempted to chase after them
But how can I run if unable to stand?

I turn desire to doubt
Open doorways to uncertainty
Shut the ones with stability on the other side
Negative mind will cause you to flee

You can't say I didn't give you fair warning
What did you expect?
Closed off from the world for a reason
Built walls around my heart to protect

Hoping for the best, fearing the worst
Your infatuation appears too good to be real
Trying to stay strong but I am falling hard
Please let me know if this is how you truly feel

Fear: what keeps me up at night
Can't escape its dark hand
I wonder if I will ever be free
From torture I can barely stand

Shaking hand holds pen
"It is just cold" one more lie
Afraid to face truth

Sherlie is the beautiful girl I know
Her eyes light the room like a rainbow
When she smiles, I cannot help but feel great
For this lovely person I could never feel hate.
Sherlie sweet like sugar cane
Love for her could never wane
Makes me smile every day
Without her I do not feel okay
When she is not here, i feel biue
I have not a clue what I can do
I always  make her go to school
Everyone knows that Sherlie rules!
Sherlie is like a ray of sunshine
I am so glad to have her as a friend of mine.
This page is half-full so I'll fill the rest
With
SHERLIE
IS
THE
ABSOLUTE
BEST!

No more talking suicidal
Done with that stupid ****
I am closer than I
Care to admit
Shouldn't rant and fuss
I'll never do it

I say I hate my life a lot
Believing I am a waste of air
The reasons I stick around
Are the people for which I care
I'm starting to think those same people
Would rather not have me there

You swear you love me again and again
It hardly feels that way
All I want is for you to hold me close
Instead I push you away
If you return my arms will never let go
I just want you to come home to stay.

I am not sure how to say this
Without tearing your heart out
Feelings have been growing
Rosebuds finally reaching my mouth

Kept them buried deep down under
Surface of my skin
Denying obvious truth to guard
Your heart from budding thoughts housed within

Began sprouting from the soil
First one then 2, 3, and 4
When I look at you I can't help but think
"We aren't working anymore"

Dozens of roses fill my mouth
Every petal sprouting from regret
Scented scarlet drops blocking airway
Posing to my life a threat

Leaves of guilt suffocating
My throat chafed and raw
Invasive flowers stretching towards freedom
Bursting out my now-broken jaw

Hate myself for doing this for you
Plucking each seedling from my skull
Transplanting them to your garden
Until head is no longer full

Seeds of truth are your burden to bear
For your wilting heart I am to blame
I planted love then roots strangled your soul
Yet I covered in dirt just the same

Water blooms or let them either
The choice no longer mine
I'm attempting to recover from
The damage inflicted by weeds inside

Tongue is strewn with gashes
Bleeding sin and hopelessness
Thorns so sharp perforating
The walls enclosing empty chest

Bestow to you this rosebush
I hate to cut you this way
With painful perfect honesties
To nurture and grow your own bouquet