I am not sure how to say this
Without tearing your heart out
Feelings have been growing
Rosebuds finally reaching my mouth

Kept them buried deep down under
Surface of my skin
Denying obvious truth to guard
Your heart from budding thoughts housed within

Began sprouting from the soil
First one then 2, 3, and 4
When I look at you I can't help but think
"We aren't working anymore"

Dozens of roses fill my mouth
Every petal sprouting from regret
Scented scarlet drops blocking airway
Posing to my life a threat

Leaves of guilt suffocating
My throat chafed and raw
Invasive flowers stretching towards freedom
Bursting out my now-broken jaw

Hate myself for doing this for you
Plucking each seedling from my skull
Transplanting them to your garden
Until head is no longer full

Seeds of truth are your burden to bear
For your wilting heart I am to blame
I planted love then roots strangled your soul
Yet I covered in dirt just the same

Water blooms or let them either
The choice no longer mine
I'm attempting to recover from
The damage inflicted by weeds inside

Tongue is strewn with gashes
Bleeding sin and hopelessness
Thorns so sharp perforating
The walls enclosing empty chest

Bestow to you this rosebush
I hate to cut you this way
With painful perfect honesties
To nurture and grow your own bouquet

I behave like a baby many hours of the day
Please believe I don't decide to be this way
Someday ill learn to stifle my tears
The sogginess blurring my eyes will clear
When fleeing fears
Run straight into a wall
Instead of arms so I end up on the concrete and crawl
And there I ponder the cause of our confrontations
Looking for obstacle blocking negotiation
Both our lungs breathing in identical air
Clouds of smoke stop from witnessing what's really there
And I am blinded I am afraid to admit
I am lost with clenched jaw refuse to submit
But little by little realize I'm in the wrong
Too stubborn to surrender I stagger along
Eventually begin losing hope of finding our way back
You grab the reins and somehow steer us on the right track
Sometimes touch your surface and my fingers melt through skin
Can't tell if a nightmare or a dream we're living in
I would give any belongings for us to have a fresh start
Careless and free
No wounds on your heart
In blue hues created I tread water so deep
Listen for answers but hear no peep
Earth on axis keeps spinning around
Days passing quickly I lie on the ground
I'm afraid to move too fast so I end up standing still
I feel the person you desire wears shoes I cannot fill
Your warmth a blessing that I truly don't deserve
Putting sun in my sky but what purpose do I serve?
Your magnificence reminder of everything I'm not
So busy drowning in sorrows can't consider the good I've got
Can't imagine a world without watching your smile
Yet I take it for granted by acting hostile
I long to unfold like a paper plane
Flatten creases so I can translate contents of your brain
If I could press a button I'd erase all your concern
A blank slate is impossible so trust I must gradually earn
So I'll write words on pages until you finally agree
You are the only one with the privilege of having me
It is my wish you open your door
Disarm your defenses protecting your core
I know in absence the nights can seem long
Will never break because connection is strong
You take up a large portion of my head
Sometimes don't call just thinking about you instead
Thanks for existing and even more for being there
There are moments I weep over statements said but I never doubt you care
You are simply trying to share wisdom with advice
How you express cannot always be positive and nice
But daily impact you have on my routine
Bigger than you are aware of
Though results are rarely seen
You are refuge from the storm when it rains too severely to stand
Shelter to protect my safety though why I will never understand
Our souls balance like yin-and-yang
I am shade
You are white light
Struggles threaten us
You pull me close and I'm sure everything will be alright

I would like someone to care enough
Be brave and at least try
Find a ladder taller than treetops
Climb over my wall and say hi

That would be miraculous
No one dares come close
Cannot seem to attract any company
Too much wicked water around my post

How do you dam moat protecting
Parts hidden from the rest of the world
Do you let down the gates surrounding?
Fortress leaving carpet unfurled

How do you open organs up?
When you make walls shutting out
Spiral into solitude
One day you'll be happy without

The answers you will not find in yourself
At least never on your own
Won't discover our purpose in life
Until we put down the cell phone

Maybe it is the technology
Distracting from walls each must scale
You need to hit the power button
Reach the top without fail

It's always you I run back to
No matter what you put me through
Though you tear me right in two
And leave me broken, black, and blue
Wishing I was someone new
Or that I could forget the person who
I fell in love with and fell into
The first one to feel the same way too
Over the years our love stubbonly grew
But deep down inside I think I always knew
You treated me far too good to be true
Now I'm alone with feelings I brew
Mixed-up and crying tears long overdue
Feeling like a fool for letting you undo
All that we worked for and longed to pursue
Blind to your black magic and wicked voodoo
I'm realizing I liked it better when I had no clue
Of your selfishishness and the way you threw
Us away like trash not worth starting over anew
Our relationship you just wanted to outdo
My happiness but it was forced and askew
You never knew how many boxes of tissue
I went through to get over each issue
Never realized you held me together like glue
Til these organs started turning to goo
My skin transformed to stone much like a statue
Into my sanctuary I carefully withdrew
There I am safe I keep emotions subdued
Walls erected block out anything I could misconstrue
But I admit I'm sad we'll never have the chance to redo
The closest I'll get is deja vu
You're permanently on my heart like a tattoo
I'll never forget each late-night rendevous
Or the nights we wasted determined to argue
Now I wish I had them back so I could review
I wonder how you see it from your point of view?
This lonely heart is confused and I'm not sure what to do
I've tried but can't seem to bid you adieu
Because it's obvious it's pointless to attempt and renew
It hurts just looking at you when we *****
Cause I swear I was meant to be with you
It's always you I run back to

Open whole heart for you

Cautiously flip every stone so you may view it's front and back

Understand ins and outs

And where surface chips and cracks

Correct me without saying words

Context unnecessary

Highlight favorites
I can catalog your desires in my mental filing cabinet

Your memorable features listed in numerical order in one folder

And when you finally witnessed every nook and cranny
Are done exploring the regions of my body
Brain
Soul
Turn away

Then waltz out of life like a tourist catching the red eye flight home

Roses are red
Violets are blue
**** all the haters
Who think they know you

There will always be doubters
But our love is real
And none of their opinions
Can change how we feel

No one else matters
They'll never get it anyway
But they better get used to it
Cause our love is here to stay

Unknowingly, I waited years,
It took sixteen, but the fears
I grew with of not finding out
What love is I now go without.

Since I felt your simple affection
I appear alive, my life has direction,
You showed me with you I don't have to be afraid,
With your help I've finally unbuilt this barricade.

I have grown dependent upon your strong arms,
Feel incomplete without familiar charms,
What would I do if I didn't have your embrace?
Your touch impossible to replace.

Love changed my life in a flash,
So quickly it caused whiplash,
It knocked my heart off-track, askew,
Now I am whole, because of you.

In the still morning
I watch the sun rise
Gently look up high
Toward simmering pink skies
A beautiful perfect picture
Nature brilliantly devised

Colorful exotic vibrance
Daybreak so pure and sweet
Over far off mountains
And the washed out city street
Waiting for scenic horizons
To say hello and meet

Everyone I am surrounded by believes
There is someone up above
I cannot and will not believe
In a god that has shown no love

Where was he when I needed a friend to hug?
I have spent countless hours in prayer
Not once have I heard or seen
A sign to signal he was there

I have wailed out to him in agony
Pain reflected in loud cry
Waited for an answer
Silence was my only reply

I have thanked him for the good things
Worshipped him singing songs
Asked to cleanse me of my sins
Forgive me for my wrongs

What have I got in return
Nothing that i have seen so far
So how come i am the only one
Who sees you, what you truly are?

False figment of imagination
You were invented by a book
Sold to humans who were too foolish
To bother with a second glance or look

They say God loves each one of his children
Its clear he only loves a portion
He despises all homosexuals
And every girl who has had an abortion

It seems every Christian I meet
Forces conservative agenda on me
Shove beliefs down my throat
I hate Christianity!

Answers I seek cannot be found there
Not in search of some holier light
Moral compass I stand behind is sound
Hesitation is what I am hoping to incite

The word of god is abused as a weapon
A tool to inflict suffering, pain
It is an excuse to use, torment and wound
When they do it for personal gain

Religion filled with hypocrites
Sinners playing the part of saints
This short list I have compiled
The start of many complaints

Bible's presence found in hotel rooms and court hearings
The "good" books appearance is why my arguement rages
Old testament, new testamant, it doesn't really matter
It's all simply words on ancient pages

My hopes could beat the skyscrapers,
As high as they keep flying,
There's no way to draw them back,
But relentlessly; I'm trying.

Babe I hope you know
Every silver lining found
Is shaped just like you

You're sure you know what's best for me
Should leave and never come back
Degrade me until I'm forced into a corner
Alone and finally attack

But you do not understand your terror
Can't see eye-to-eye
Both sides are quick to get angry
I can't hold my tongue but I try

That smirk upon lips incites rage
Not strong enough to keep it in
Not capable of letting go
You always have to win

I work with all might to be
The bigger person but fail
Talk nicely until your words turn mean
I can't help but wail

I miss days we got along
Miss ways you used to be proud
Hateful expression worn on your face
Makes me wish I could run and never turn around

Quiet between us is louder than words
Silence speaks volumes, I don't need to use my voice
I hear your hurt in what is left unsaid
Emptiness evident, pain because of my choice.

Shame invading both our bodies
Deceit emanating off skin like steam
Guilt rising up in my esophagus
Close your eyes a minute and dream.

You are not alone, just look around
Arms open wide many places for support
If you decide to wake the **** up
Stop living to lie, steal, and extort.

All those unpaid debts you owe
The hopes already paid
You feel down right now I am sure
Held back by past mistakes made.

The photographs we snapped were colorful
To my eyes don't look as bright
Dark restless mental corridors
Pick my battles but don't fight.

To relieve burden of cowardice
Remove weights hanging from my heart
Plucking slowly like plums
Growing back faster than I tear apart.

Want to be superhuman
Heroes seldom make mistakes
Tired of being cast as the villain
You are the one who constantly takes.

It is impossible to work this out
The aftermath is too messed up
Revelation stings, salt in my wounds
There exists no future "us."

Everything I see is different now
Our cherished relation-ship has sailed
You are trying to swim after me
Can't see you've already failed.

Hearts in different hemispheres
Minds pulled to opposite poles
Although you are only a short drive away
There is a sea of silence separating our souls.

Catch me like snowflakes on the tip of your tongue
Take me way back to they days we were young
Flickering waves of nostalgia crash on  shores of my mind
Regret rolls in then right back out much like the oceans tide
Melding seamlesslessly into these rivers composed of tears
The horizontal sea is darker and deeper than it appears
Where your memories have drowned inside a wet washed up grave
Staring back at photographs documenting love we couldn't save
Your unconcious eyes have no longing for my smile
Seeking to be with someone else for awhile
Catch me
My wings are too broken to fly
Too late I find out when I am falling from the sky
For I always seem to jump the gun before being fully prepared
Which wouldn't be a problem if you had genuinely cared
For just a few years ago your affection was solely mine to keep
How could I not have noticed we were getting in too deep?
Priorities out of order
I guess we ran out of time
And you stopped idolizing the person once considered so sublime
And in your haste to discover something shiny and new
You overlooked the treasure you had right in front of you

It's the continuous silent yet pressing "tick-tock"
In my head heard though I own no clock
It's opening eyes every morning to familiar pain
And constant weight of loneliness driving me insane

I did not realize the weight of all these bad decisions
Directly in the shade cast by massive collisions
Needed to move somewhere warm
Escape the cycle of snow
Garden was fading when it needed to grow
For own sanitys sake I fled
Couldn't outrun the hell inside my head

Everything kept in bittersweet silence

Lips ****** from biting back the sentences I am not courageous enough to speak aloud

Eyes shut to avoid sting of reality

Upon shelves towering above stature sit dusty expectations
Long since placed carefully with wonderment
Slathered in cobwebs and mice have moved in and taken up permanent residence in the nooks between

It's a **** miracle they stayed in position this whole time
I cannot seem to stop fidgeting and swinging wildly from distraction to distraction
Branches leading away from my plans
Some of them not even sturdy enough to tolerate my weight
Sending me spiraling spectacularly to the solidly packed earth far below

Selecting thrills instead of skills

Denying truth politely
As one turns down a piece of gum

And it doesn't help laying bare my soul
I do anyways

Although I resent pain caused by opening these ancient wounds at least then my sorrow is freed

I cannot ever fight my demons
Each cell in my body has given up already
Now I'm stuck with no ambition
I cried so much I'm unsteady

I should have listened to your words
Worried warnings gone to waste
Although I appreciate the love
Let tears teach lessons on my face

Miles and miles keep us apart
Miles of resting hope
Miles of love for eachother
Miles of everything between us

Perhaps they are miles of heartache
Miles of millions of people
With only inches of kindness to spare
Miles and miles of discomfort

Excitement and fear
Loneliness? Perhaps.
Miles between us
Miles of what will never be

Miles and miles between me and you

Will never forget the first time
Was injected with an illegal drug
It was my suggestion
Laughed it off with a shrug

Addiction already running wild
Causing life torture and Hell
We reached the point where
We'd do anything to stay well.

I tentatively offered up
Opportunity, you jumped at the chance
Both saw the answer we craved
Hidden within the other's glance

Was scared, heart beating fast
Doubt building, I stared at the spoon
As the ****** melts, mind wonders
How did life change so much since yesterday afternoon?

Eyes that woke goblins within
Something darker in me
And night welcomed us weightless
Into a new barren wasteland, unevenly

Lucifers playing tricks in the dying light
Blinded in that foolish hour
I saw the syringe held softly in your palm
Goosebumps rose, was awed by its power

Of course fear on my face was clear
You made a half-hearted attempt for me
To ease concern, your cruel comfort
Did little to set uncertainty free

Something smoking deep inside
Whispered "this is leading nowhere good"
You touch flesh, searching for a vein
Stomach sinking, I am doing what I swore I never would

I swallow hard, you tie off my arm
Shoelace wrapped with indifference, no guilt in your eye
You glimpse the tears welling up fast
Say sharply "I'm not going to do it if you're going to cry."

But it is already in the needle
It is a little late to turn back now
I take a deep breath, suppress the teardrops
Shake shame off the sins I chose to allow

Turn my head to avoid the sick sight
Try to focus on the smell of coffee in the air
Let out a quiet whimper when the stinging pain hits
Wishing to teleport anywhere besides there

It was over after a few short moments
I felt better so I told myself it was okay
I promised it would be the last and only time
I have not parted with the needle since that day

I am not a perfect daughter
I'm sure you agree
Your temper is hotter
I'm the reason frequently
Telling you it is only in your brain
You have a meltdown
Upset
Chalking worry up to being insane
Not what you deserve to get
Going to be an improved child
I'm completely grown
Easy to provoke and wild
Still the sweet baby you've always known
Now I am telling you I'm sorry
For excessive bitchiness and tears
Blaming you when it was me
Causing half the problems through the years
It is not easy to admit I'm wrong
Doesn't mean that you are right
It takes two to get along
Like it does to fight
It is going to take determination from both of us
It will be worth the patience to try
Maybe peace we longingly discuss
Will be reality for you and I
I cannot change this on my own
Wish you would meet me halfway
Once in awhile just leave it alone
On subjects you feel you must put in your say
You want what's best for me
Hurt because you care
One thing I've been itching to let free
"Thank you" for being there
Regardless of what flaws come between
Relationship has withstood them all
Though at times you can act mean
Petty quarrels usually stay small
So this is a token of my hidden gratitude
To show how you mean so much
Also an apology for being rude
Not keeping in proper touch
No matter how drastic our ups and downs
The thing that will not ever change
That you'll always be around
Arms open to me despite how strange
I often take that for granted
Focus on bad stuff you've done
Of all the occasions I've ranted
Not once did I mention the depth of your love
The countless sacrifices you willingly made
In order for me to do well
How my hair you'd affectionately braid
Somehow I left out of the stories I'd tell
So it is written (here in purple ink no less)
Save as proof of what's in my heart
Next time it will remind us when in distress
What is important when falling apart
Forgive me for pain I've inflicted
Lies and each mess my hand makes
Know my actions have left you afflicted
I swear I'll make up for all the mistakes

I love when I look at my footprints and see that I've moved forward

I may not have arrived at the other side yet
At least I am not stuck standing still in the middle of the road like I was before

I break when I glimpse the light breaching asphalt from oncoming headlights
Crumple to the ground

Because today for the first time the distance completed has been greater than the distance left to travel

Since second I was born you showered me with love
Made sure I was aware how adoring you were of
Michael and I
We were apples of your eye
Just wish I would have known how quick the days would pass by

Today flipped through my 10th grade journal
Stumbled upon a list
My greatest desires at the time
Things for which I most wished

The first and only thing written
To find someone who loves me
Tells me I'm beautiful every day
When I look and act ugly

Here I am nine long years later
Blessed with that guy
I am still unhappy
Don't know why

I am not sure which words to say
Many thoughts crowding my head
And pride plus fear get in the way
I stay silent instead

In no hurry to lay heart bare
Each time I've done it before
Sentences hung suspended in air
You smacked them down to the floor

You don't have the strength or sensitivity
To face truth and come to grips
This time what I'm longing to set free
Remains barricaded behind closed lips

You brought me flowers
Was honestly surprised
Certainly were beautiful
Betrayal cleverly disguised

I awoke without you there
Note explaining where you went
When you came home with a big bouquet
Knew exactly what that meant

That in the hours you were away
Had done something I’d disapprove
Suspicions were confirmed by that gesture
I had no way to prove

Sifted through your phone of course
You’re good at covering tracks
Had plans to meet up with some girl
Was told to chill and relax

That you did not actually follow through
Stopped to drop off some dope
Her and a couple of other people
Reason for me to mope

It was other errands you ran
Took so long
You swear
Don’t know if you expect me to believe
Or you just don’t care

You thought you were sneaky and smart
Bringing somebody along
Because if you had a chaperone
Could you have done anything wrong?

Which would have worked eons ago
I’m catching on to your tricks
Hard as I try to tear down your walls
You’re faster stacking bricks

I ask from you the truth
Though i give more in return
By now should be used to the sadness
My stupid heart refuses to learn

I keep asking what’s wanted from me
Thinking I’m not worthy of a reply
Maybe you don’t know the answer
Either way I am left asking why

Why can’t you stop slipping away?
Out of hands and into the air
All we’ve been through
Ups and downs
Now do you not want me there?

I am hoping this is just a phase
Patient I force myself to be
You get it out of your system
Like you when waiting for me

I have made poor choices in the past
Forgive me but can’t forget
Tried to move forward and start over
I can tell it still makes you upset

I suspect that is justification
Smashing my heart to pieces
I hate myself for all that I am
Your attraction decreases

I do not know when feelings shifted
It’s clear yours aren’t the same
Maybe til now you were pretending
Whole relationship simply a game

My head beyond damaged
Stories that don’t make sense
I am going crazy
Issues seem so immense

I am easily manipulated
By your hand
Into different shapes
I can no longer stand

You are my biggest weakness
Temptation I can’t resist
I can’t have you for my own
Should I even exist?

I should thank you for your presence
You come home to me each night
As you spend days with other women
I fear you can’t stand my sight

I wish I could trust like before
You won’t give deceit a rest
See through your veil of loyalty
Know better than protest

I wonder
Did you get her a present?
If the floral arrangement was just for me
May not be fair to hate her
Probably shares my agony

Except has the worse half of the deal
I get most of your heart
Rest is scattered in pieces
Others have a tiny part

They should have common decency
Respect the commitment we share
Since it clearly doesn’t matter to you
Why would they bother to ******* care?

I am aware I am a lucky girl
Call you my best friend
If you no longer picture a future together
Don’t prolong the end

I do not know how to change this
To make you happy once more
Hold the flood of tears inside
The second you walk out the door

Then waterfalls gush out of eyes
Rivers of snot flow from nose
Have no interest in hearing my sorrows
I won’t burden you with my woes

I try maintaining composure
You are near
Should be able to sense my emotions
Not as stable as they appear

But you are constantly distracted
Consistently divided
I pour my all into a relationship
Grows more and more one-sided

Even if you stop buying presents
Come back to the house less and less
I will remain devoted and true
Never fixing this mess

Roses the closest I will get
Any sort of apology
Someday you won’t buy me flowers
You’ll only need to be with me

I get in a strange state of mind sometimes
Felt this misery before
It is back to disrupt my life
Tend to stand aside, not much more.

It will show what a worthless weakling I am
Leaves me asking why I'm here
Plead and cry for cooperation
Detached and losing those I hold dear.

This sick fixation warps me
Health suffering consequences
Any asset absent was robbed or wrecked
Drugs crushed every last one of my defenses.

Going crazy to find relief
Addiction pulls miles of nerves
It was my own ill judgement that led me here
In a way what I deserve.

I found comfort in orange-capped needles
Counting down points til zero in the box
Began to lose my personality
My old self misplaced or sold; I forgot.

I am not stupid, at least I wasn't before,
Honestly, I promise, it is the drugs.
Think their tendrils reach my brain to the core
Shoo them then later feel in my skull a tug.

I know what I have to do
Problem is, it's hard,
Don't know why I can't pull free
The reason addicts are how they are.

I am afraid I'll forever be a slave
Too far gone to break empty routines
Knew at the start but thought there was a way around
The loopholeless addiction gene.