The day I’ve outlined in my head

I don’t know what will become of my life until then

But I hope I can erase the date

Before I erase myself from this world

My palms are cold and ******
Your name stains my tongue
I prefer sleeping with my eyes open
Bloodshot eyes and boiling skin
I can’t believe they let you out
Randy, Was it worth the laugh
Does my blood still stain your hands
Do you close your eyes and remember me
I want you to feel the pain you drove into my veins
The smile you craved into my brain stains my teeth
My smile likes yours I no longer know myself
My childhood smells of tears and blood
But all you cared about was a rub and some ***
Using a woman as your toys, you see them as objects
You see me as an object no longer will I be yours
Randy, was it worth the laugh you had that night
Before the cops came and shocked your night
Shocked your life and made your night a living hell.
My brain still screams in agony at the sight of your name.

Morphisms ignored
You seed sour schisms
Divide & bleed
Bluster-concealed claw of iniquity
Blink & you'll miss misdeeds
Bleak greed breeds alacrity
Mimic predators
Crack fatigue
Shoved in your leaking maw
Sweet as a fatal flaw niggling
Raw needs wriggling
Impelled again to begin again
Fresh meat, feed me, let me sin again
Defeat just past the next win
But when
Actions unsating swiftly flow
Satisfaction ebbs
Objectifying friend & foe
This spluttering glut will not quench
So‽

I imagined
the softness
of two lips
sharing a moment,

the sweet pressure
of personal gravities
pulling two people
into a collapsing orbit,

how fingers fit,
how the taste
of her lips
would push me on
to higher states
of desire.

I dreamed
of being one,
two bodies combined
by the passion
that has defined
my species
for quite some time.

I wanted to be
fulfilled,
by a fantasy,
but fantasies
do not equal
reality.

The arithmetic
does not add up
one bit.

So, I settle
for a self-purging
of this urgent
****** urging,
that is overworking
my human system.

For how much longer
do I have to wash my hands?  
                      sleep in the burning house?              
                      carry this heavy heart?
                      weep?
                      bleed?
                      ask for bandages?
                      hide my scars?
                      see my therapist?
                      lose touch?
                      force a smile?
                      see my reflection?
                      try to fix the brokenness?
                      adjust to new meds?
                      wish I was dead?
                      wash my hair?
                      trim my nails?
                      write these lines?
                      avoid my birthday?
                      fight the urges?
                      endure myself?
                      cling to this life?

I am suffocating.
I can't get you out of my head,
please go away.
So I can go back to my simple life,
the one without your smile,
without your brilliant blue eyes,
without your voice.
Why would God put you in my life...
if it wasn't meant to work between us?
The thought of your shiny blonde hair,
your mouth sliding in and out of mine.
I can't breathe.
I stay high,
so I don't have to feel you right.
I'd have to say I'm addicted,
I should stay away.
But these urges I can't fight.
I can't breathe

I am suffocating