You looked at me, absent-minded. Comparing with eyes made for judgment. It's your right.
It's too bad you don't " see the hurt, the words carfed into me. The ones that go "she's skinnier" or "she's prettier, you know". I try and consult, whisper "mirror mirror on the wall" but it just won't look at me.
You did it without thinking. Took the liberty to stare me up and down, and when I asked you why, you were surprised. "I wasn't doing it on purpose".
Maybe you lacked malice, but I still saw the wish for better in your eyes. You didn't need to put it into words. I heard it all. Felt the need for better, burn away my skin. I covered up, so you no longer had to be disappointed.
You checked them out and looked at me after, as if surprised you'd accepted this version of a body for so long.
I’m still putting together the pieces of what that feels like – Leaning in over the table paying no attention of the peripheral vision. I whisper we can skip dinner just eat me instead. The drinks run dry and I am overflowing. My apartment? I wrapped my hand around yours like the perfect present. In the moments I am thy wholly myself – I am in love. Maybe not with this man but this moment. & that’s so **** confusing. Cause this moment wouldn’t be as it is without you – I slip in the car hoping my dress rides up. Placing all the intentions I had for the night in the backseat. I am happy & for this moment – that’s all that matters. So, I turn on the radio and pause for whatever feels good. This car ride, These Santa Cruz mountains, The music, & your hand grazing my leg. I am babbling on; who knows about quite what? But I remember it coming from the heart, unfiltered as the moonlight. There is no better feeling - arriving as yourself to somewhere you never planned. I take the long way back to my apartment. Just so I can hold onto that just for a second more. It took a lot of these steps to walk into the notion it is I taking You home. A confidence the opens every door & says I am here as is. Our bodies fold into each other stepping through my apartment. Every desire entangled as our legs mirror and cross through the sheets. Usually by this time I’ve already came up with a reason why not? But his gaze as I bite his lip tells me this is the only self-assurance I need. That utter freeing feeling of I want you. It feels good to let go. Allowing yourself to reach climatical moments that leave you breathless. Leave you saying baby yes, give me more… Give me more life. & moments that shatter all my preconceived notions about love. About love not having to be a person but a place, a moment, a smell, a dream… Another reason to wake up and & say - I am happy to be here. Because there is so much in life we must move through, that whatever brings you closer to you is something you choose. There’s a lot in life we can say yes too.
& I might be still putting together what this feels like.... But I do know just by saying yes; you are saying who you are.
you can trust me secrets wishes desires all kept under my lock and key they can’t hurt you not unless they take my entry and steal what was ours to keep i would never betray my own word only if you abandon me the depths of my own knowledge are often so bittersweet filled with the voices of a thousand murmurs, sayings that are mine to keep admit it once, i’ll lock it away never for anyone to peek