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I wish I was beautiful

I wish "make-up is just for fun"
Wasn't a lie

I wish I wasn't so anxious
all the ******* time

I wish I didn't think about killing myself
every single night

I wish my husband
wasn't the only thing keeping me alive

I wish I wasn't depressed
I wish I had more drive

I wish that I believed
that I can actually do something in my life

I wish I didn't worry
About what others say

I wish we still had that love
that I miss every single day

I wish I wasn't holding back tears
typing this whole thing out

I wish things were different.
I wish I brought you happiness
I wish I didn't think you were obligated
I wish I made your heart full
I wish I wasn't so down
I wish I didn't have to control everything
I wish I could just let things go

I wish I still had a therapist
that would tell me what to do

I wish I didn't have to hide my tears
So I don't shed them in front of you

I wish I was good at writing
It's something I've always loved to do

I wish I could look in the mirror
and find a much better view

I wish I didn't feel like I was broken

I wish I could pick a style

I wish I didn't hate rhyming

I wish I didn't think you were mad at me all the time

I wish I didn't keep having nightmares

I wish my medication worked

I wish I could get a grip

I wish I could handle what life throws at me

But here I am writing a wish list that I'm anxious will just sound like I'm complaining about life and not show how terribly anxious and depressed I really am.
Help.
Maria Etre Oct 22
Your voice
b lll uuuuu rrrrr eeee dddddd my own
Be shhhhh(quiet)hhhhhh..
I am /ˈlɪs(ə)n/ing
there's a whole
track list I missed
that doesn't play
your name
over
and
over
and
over
rebecca Sep 28
live your life to the fullest,
don't waste even a second.
.
go after your dreams,
I know you can do it.
.
be the person that you want to be,
not what society wants to see.
Sleep well everyone!
Don't forget to love yourself!!!
Morgan Spiers Aug 29
1.  Inability to throw away possessions


ive never been able to get rid of the bracelet you gave me. my cat broke it the first week i had it, but something about throwing it away wraps my wrist with a sensation of betrayal- like im throwing away your company with it. the string still sits on my nightstand.


2. Severe anxiety when attempting to discard items


even though i’ve never worn them, your jackets and shirts outline my bedroom- curtains that block the clarity of what once was with a dressed up version of you i’ve never been able to tear down.

3. Great difficulty categorizing or organizing possessions


it was when i began to leave my thank you notes beside screws, and love letters near lighters, that i realized i’d forgotten how to feel the differences between them.

4. Indecision about what to keep or where to put things


disregarding the good because of the bad feels like an admission of defeat to a ruler i never knew was in charge. when i pick up the way you held my hand, i dont mean to put down the way you wrapped yours around my neck- but i only have one drawer and its not big enough for the two of them.

5. Distress, such as feeling overwhelmed or embarrassed by possessions


when i offer an apology, it is because the amount of landlords that have evicted me for having too much inside myself is more than i ever learned to count. im afraid that i will never stop living in someone else's home, loving in someone else's heart, before i learn to build my own.

6. Suspicion of other people touching items


each day feels a little lighter- as though someone is removing a stone from a bag i didn’t realize i had been forced to carry. ive yet to understand if this ease is unwelcome.

7. Obsessive thoughts and actions: fear of running out of an item or of needing it in the future; checking the trash for accidentally discarded objects


you’ve not read a book in ten years. your novel still lays on my nightstand.

8. Functional impairments, including loss of living space, social isolation, family or marital discord, financial difficulties, health hazards


i havent been able to bring another person to visit the garden i spent years tending to. when the water stopped coming in, i’d no choice but to begin withering- and i’d rather go peacefully than to be let down again because i trusted you to end the drought.
A Harris Aug 29
The glow follows the horizon between sleep and the morning light.
Here we also see the starry night.
What ponders in the minds of those looking off in the distance?
There is an air of togetherness that weaves its way through.
Shall they make a wish with me too?
ian Aug 20
His name was Emmett,
there’s not much more I remember than that.
Taking turns wearing his mom’s old wristwatch,
watching veggietales on his tv,
the ferociously curly hair that I loved to stick my hands in,
I taught him numbers
and he taught me letters.
We were too young,
to know that not everything stays.
We thought
we would be friends forever.

2. We got chick-fil-a together,
a weekly ritual.
Played fairies on the playground,
princesses in her bedroom.
She was everything I wasn’t but
she made me happy.

My first real friend,
a relationship born from our mutual liking of one another
instead of parental guidance.
But those last couple years were stiff,
awkward,
and when her birthday rolled around
and no invitation arrived at my doorstep,
It was a relief.
The friendship I’d clung so close to
had already ended.

3. We pretended we were equals.
When we introduced ourselves they named me last,
and that became a fitting pattern.
Three’s a crowd,
and they didn’t need my extra wheel.
For my first lasting friendship,
the first that really changed me,
it sure gave me a warped idea of what friendship was.
When you’re seven years old,
never met a person who doesn’t like you in your life,
with no one around to warn you,
you tend to stick close to people you shouldn’t.

4. It wasn’t like it was ever gonna last.
We cycled through friends every year,
groups shifting,
it was only a matter of time until we drifted apart too.
The end was expected,
but still bittersweet.
Cheering them on from afar,
paper plates taped to backs,
messages from near strangers.

Four years pass and you realize,
they’re the kind of friends you used to hide behind.
I still love them but
I think I love the memories they gave me
more than the girls I no longer know.

5. She stuck around
for longer than she should have.
Longer than I needed her, really.
My second kiss,
my first girlfriend,
hands intertwined under the art table.
We didn’t love each other,
but it sure was nice to have her company.
The ending of our relationship was a relief.
Leaving an arm’s length of room
in between red riding hood and the wolf,
I’m still not sure which one of us was which.

6. I’m still not sure what happened to us.
Maybe he got sick of my lies, maybe he didn’t want to be friends with a kid.
Maybe it’s just hard
keeping up a relationship with someone you can’t see.
But he taught me how to be brave.
I was myself with him
before anyone else.
It was so much easier when I didn’t have to see his face.

I guess we fell apart,
after I learned that having a computer between us
didn’t make anyone less human,
that neither of us were without flaws,
just because I couldn’t hold his hand.
Now, we act like strangers.
Like he didn’t teach me how to be myself,
like that summer meant nothing to either of us.
Of all of them,
he’s the only one I want to run back to.
;) i'm lonely lol
Em MacKenzie Aug 10
The “dear” is just a formality and lack of term. I was at a loss for how to address you. I wrote a card for Ma on this site, so I figured it only appropriate I write one for you. Except, this isn’t a birthday “card” for you. This is my birthday "card."

My sister told me you dropped off my birthday card at her house. Two days early. I would chalk it up to one of your few redeeming qualities, your over the top punctuality, but I know the truth: you were in her area to go to the bar, possibly with my uncle, and thought you’d get your obligatory “fatherly” duty out of the way.  *** forbid you would actually make the effort to see me, or my new place, which I’ve lived in for eight months now.

My girlfriend’s parents have been asking me what I want for my birthday for over a month. I’m currently waiting for Link’s Master Sword in the mail from them when it occurred to me that they know me, and care to know me, more than you ever have in my twenty-nine years of existence.

When we see each other, the semi-annual times we do now, there’s three things you talk to me about because it’s all you know about me:

“Jeeze, the Senators are having a rough season.” Hockey:  1 point.

“Did you see Paul McCartney’s latest video with _?” Beatles/Music: 1 point.

“I’ve learned Vincent by Don McLean on guitar, could you play that on your bass?” Musician: 1 point.

To simplify me as those three points is disappointing and pretty pathetic as you’ve been around my entire life. You know absolutely nothing about me, and it seems you don’t care to know anything else. I couldn’t fathom having children and not knowing them, and I can’t imagine not wanting to know them. Maybe one day you’ll see this, so I decided to let you know who I am.

1. I wrote my first poem at eleven; it was probably complete garbage. I remember sitting in social studies class and out of boredom, unleashing my thoughts into rhymes. I showed it to Ma, and she was so proud she hung it up in her office for years.
2. My favourite colour (cliche, I know) is usually peacock blue- unless it’s mixed with another blue. But I love all bright colours, especially red, green, purple and gold.
3. I always wanted to play hockey and football, but you guys were both such alcoholics you never thought to enroll me in anything as a child. Now my knee is too sensitive to play any sports.
4. Speaking of my knee, it’s a disease called osker-schlatz (spelling) which is a calcium build up inbetween my knee cap. When I was sixteen, our doctor told me if I hit it too many times (the pain level is a 10 when that occurs) I run the risk of losing circulation and needing an amputation.
5. I’ve been a vegetarian (except for turkey and the odd chicken) more than half my life. I stopped eating meat at thirteen: so please, stop buying me gift certificates to The Keg at Christmas. The last one I used to eat an appetizer and drink.
6. I hate drinking, and it’s mainly because of you. I remember being a child and wondering why you both would rather drink than spend time with your kids. At eight I made a promise to never have my own children feel that way.
7. I'm half deaf, but I have impeccable eye sight. It's a weird, cruel balance.
8. I play the bass guitar, yes, but I also know how to play the six string electric. I knew how to play guitar ten years before you learned. I also want to learn the drums and piano one day.
9. I plan to one day get my piloting license. I always wanted to be a fighter pilot in the military,  because I have such recklessness for my own life that I think I could be one of the best pilots in the world if given the chance.
10. I am a drug addict. I remember as a teen smoking **** in my room and when mom would ask about the smell, you would cover for me and say it was the candle I lit. Thank you for that. But what you don’t know is that at fifteen I tried my first oxycodone and realized it was the best feeling I would ever experience. For years I would snort pills in my room, a mere few feet away from you guys. One night I had probably railed ten pills and passed out with half of a Fuzzy Peaches candy cane in my mouth. I should’ve died that night but I didn’t.
11. After Ma died I realized you can miss someone being overprotective of you. I used to come home so ****** up that I could’ve overdosed, you never noticed because you were too drunk yourself. I remember lying on the floor of my basement thinking if I was going to overdose, you wouldn’t realize until my body started to smell. You might not even notice, then.
12. I know you stole my inheritance from ma, and I know you tried to claim it under my name in taxes. A week before she died Kate and I begged her to sign the house into our names, that you would let it go to **** and sell it when in need of a quick buck. She reassured us you weren't getting a cent, but she wouldn't leave you homeless. I was right. Not only that, but you had Kate and I sign something a day after mom died, it was boxing day was a bank even open? Who focuses on financial matters less than twenty-four hours after losing the person they loved?
13. In relation to #12, I found the will. You wouldn't give it to me when school needed it to allow me to redo my semester (thanks for that, btw.) and I saw a bright red flag when you said "they don't need it." That's how I know that you stole the money left for Kate and I. I always thought $80,000 wasn't "a lot" in mom's words. What bothers me the most out of the whole situation is that you actually believe you could outsmart me. The extra $200 grand would be swell, but I do not put a price on my pride like you.
14. Once more, I have the original copy of the will. I stole it when you were drunk, drove to a twenty-four hour Shoppers and photocopied that ****. You have the copy. I have the original.
15. Everyone thinks it's weird that you are marrying a woman who has the same name as Ma. ***, will she take our last name? It's strange that you are still wearing your mask for them five years in. Doesn't it get tiring not showing who you truly are? Or is she that big of a loser that she knows and is staying regardless?
16. I remember the two times I almost died as an infant, and I remember it was because of your carelessness and lack of interest in my existence.
17. I'm thinking of auditioning for a musical. I've always wanted to, and if I can time it right, maybe I'll knock something off my bucket list.
18. My biggest fear is becoming you. I hate that my physical attributes come from you, and so does my more mild and quiet nature. When Kate wants to wound me in a fight she refers to me as you. I hate it more than anything.
19. I've wanted to end my life, I've even gotten so far as to write a note twice. Neither time were you addressed, or mentioned. I figured you wouldn't read it and you wouldn't care.
20. It just dawned on me that you'll never read this either, and if you did, you still wouldn't care.

I have a father but not a dad.  Could he even write 20 things to say to me, if given the chance?
Extremely personal again. Just wanted to get it out. Sorry for the harsh vibes.
You’re eyes are like the lake;
They dance and reflect a thousand golden hues, as the morning sun rises, ghastly, secretive fog fading over awe-inspiring, welcoming green warmth.

Your smiles are brighter than anything I’ve ever seen; the sun pales in comparison to the bright and inviting, wondrous expression I long to witness more times than can be counted.

Your voice is like a fire on a cold winter’s night; I am thoroughly chilled before the crackling brings heat to the very core of my being, soft as a blanket, felt even without touch.

We hardly speak, and yet, I feel connected.

You may not know it, but I do; You’re amazing.

Please don’t ever stop.

Cayden
A descriptive list poem.
To a boy that never fails to leave me wordless even with so much to say.
Mary-Eliz Aug 1
Ten Word Challenge: orphan/ gilded/ scattered/ fins/ library/ pavement/ plowshares/ stamp/ outcry/ tomatoes


Orphan books at the library
scattered on rickety tables
set up on the cracked pavement
await a new home at bargain prices

Books whose stamps
of classification are faded
Some with gilded edges
like the fins of goldfish

Books rich with knowledge
ready for curious fertile minds
like soil being turned by plowshares
for corn, wheat or rich red tomatoes

Books that - if not re-homed
if tossed or burned -
would rightly cause an outcry
from book lovers everywhere
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