It was a miracle you chose me and a blessing I took for granted too often.
Maybe I knew I didn't deserve such an angel so I pushed you away in hopes you'd fly to better things.
If you find happiness someplace far from me I beg you to stay there.
Because with my own shattered pieces I hurt those I love and the more that I care the deeper I cut.
Then I awake alone and their blood is on my hands.
Trying to remember how I got covered in so much shame colored brownish-red but I fail to understand.
When I see you lying lifeless there fighting for one more breath I catch my own and shed a tear for the body dying.
You turn your stare away from death to face me instead as your eyes are immediately flooded with fear.
It's not til that moment I realize what I have done to the only person who meant more to me than anything or anyone.
I swear I just wanted to keep you safe and I thought you were safer away from me but somehow you got too close again without me realizing.
Practically under my skin but before I could see I ripped you to shreds unaware of who I was destroying in my haste.
But what scraps were left there I immediately recognized though your features were all out of place.
Now there is not enough of you to put your parts back together and we both know you cant live half a human forever.
I hate myself for digging a grave too busy to notice you return to me in my desperate state.
Gripping a ***** shovel I lost my balance tipping us both over and we turn and twist midair.
I warned you but too late you learn and now not just myself but both of us are far too gone to save.
Even when I am sad my puns make me smile
as she sits
her thoughts exploding
some + others -
maybe if I dig deeper people won't question, "are you ok?"
Sometimes when I look at the ground
And see it round
I want to dig so that it's not there
So that what's beneath it is revealed
Is extracted and laid bare
Sometimes when I look at the ground
I want to know evermore so
And in my desire I do not care
Sometimes you just want to know why.
Unraveling the mystery in her spine
Knots all throughout time
I break it in;
I cave my mark,
I show her how I like to start
Some days I come to find myself
Placed at your headstone once again
My ***** is adorned in rust
My will is all but spent
With the thudding melody
Of iron kissing earth
I mean to find the remnants
Of a heart which came by hearse
I can hear the manic beating
The drumming which I curse
It mocks my foolish youthful mind
In the regretful past immersed
When I come to blister
And grime is on my face
Leave I the wretched *****
And forget why I came to chase
© Johan Nel 21:00 2019.01.15
Can't remember last time
I knelt down to dig in the dirt
but I do recall all us boys who'd climb
the sandy loam pile in the yard
to make castles, caves and highways
and let our fantasies reign -
oh what glorious days
when fun was simple and plain.
We cared not about smudges
holey pants or muddy feet
had not learned about grudges
nor become expert in deceit
hadn’t yet been betrayed
enough to live in hurt
and conjure all the ways
we could spite and spread dirt.
Maybe every now and again
I'd benefit from kneeling down
and digging deeper grain by grain
in earthy dirt - to find my being’s ground.
They say three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead
Secrets could be simple, if they weren't the type worth being spread
You can bury secrets, I'm sure you're shocked to hear it's true.
But dont dream you'll finish digging, until they first have buried you.
with my shovel
i am digging
but i am not sure what for
i am not sure if i am digging my own grave
or digging for a beautiful garden to bloom
Every time I feel
like I hit rock bottom,
life brings me something
that makes my smile blossom.
And with a smile on my lips,
I carry on with the digs.
And after that smile
turns back into a frown,
I look around and realize
I'm even further down !