I am raw, plucked
bare and overexposed;
ashamed of my emotions and
too vulnerable, too fragile
I am not threatened but I do not
feel safe, I ache to hide but where can
I hide from my own mind? I need
time to decay my histrionics and my
need for affection so that it never
resurfaces again, so that I never
resurface again -- I am drowned in
something benign but chaotic, replicating
it's mutation endlessly, perpetually, until
I cannot breathe because I am overexposed --
Right now I feel alone,
I have friends- really good friends!
They never leave me,
And they go by depression and anxiety.
Sometimes I talk to them,
We discuss pressing issues like politics and art,
Everyone else tries to tell me,
They're the ones tearing me apart.
But those others aren't my friends,
They aren't here now when I'm alone and when I cry,
They aren't there when I need someone to talk to,
Depression and anxiety, they're the ones that are really thoughtful.
As we speak I have a fever,
I'm talking to myself to what the best method of healing should be,
The others? They don't care about it either.
I'm in my house all alone,
Trying not to let my third friend join today's gathering.
I met my third friend through the other two,
We don't get on as much,
He makes the others dislike me.
He does this by taking control,
He plays with my body like it were a marionette,
He makes breathing impossible,
Speech incomparable to any modern tongue.
I have my ways of dealing with friend 3,
First I talk to depression and anxiety,
Count to ten,
Finally I'm free.
The acid attack destroyed my facial beauty,
But should that prevent me from going to the beach?
I have a splendid body and a perfect figure,
Should my bikini dreams stay in pipeline?
The woods call my name
I follow the sound
The sun kisses my skin
The wind is my constant companion
Suddenly it went dark.
The wind blew now in my face
The sun hides behind the clouds
The trees call me names:
"you don't have enough time"
"the week is too short"
"you don't deserve any of it"
What is happening?
My stomach is turning upside down
I feel shaky
My breathing is shallow
The trees grew 100 meters taller
They are not only coming for me,
but are trying to grab me by my ankles
I run for safety
The sun shines out here
The sand under my dirty shoes smiles at me
They are trying to calm me,
so I sit with the sand & listen
The sand tells me stories
It calms me
Now I am here and then I am there
But right now I am here
And I will make the best of it
so come on, baby
the walls are thinner
than the skins that shelter us
and i've placed myself
in the bruise of a body
that has not felt like home in years
sleep flees the corners of my eyes,
my pulse curls around my shaking hands,
and the shelled echoes of my heart startle and stir
and quivering, shuddering
my body begs,
my body strains
to escape me
I remember the ultimate terror,
Bunch of killer bees attacking me,
Assailed I was by a shifting pack,
Not a single cadet left behind,
Each of them stinging me royally,
Zapping through to make death metal!
Breath hitching with the distorted thoughts.
Spiraling out of near comprehension.
Some looping and tightening like a noose.
Others snapping with speedy progression.
They tug at memories of mistakes.
Drawing them in like old friends.
While ripping apart images of smiles.
Leaving them dangling with frayed ends.
I slip my fingers between strands of hair.
Cupping my skull with violent hands.
My descent increases like rising tides,
When I really just want to land.
and in all of sudden
it starts to burn
the flames inside
once again returns
i can breathe
i just scream
cry and shout
my tears stream
my body’s wild;
i can’t control it
i just hope
that no one notice
the marks on my arms
and the tears in my eyes
as cold and sad
as winter skies
and it works for a while
the fire’s gone
i’ll get trough the day
i’m moving on
but i’m feeling so empty
i guess that’s better
than feeling the fire
The whole sea of blood in me
Rushed to different directions
All at once.
Crawling and climbing,piercing
Veins and arteries, puncturing
Bones, skulls, ribs.
The air pushing and breaking,
Punching my lungs, my heart
Tearing me apart.
I woke and my scream pressed
Down, trying to make sense of
A haze -panic.
I was under attack, and my body
Had tricked me, was dying, as my
Mind refused living.
I regretted and shamed myself
Having never learnt to swim, as
Desert drowned me.