the surprise attack
is always a great play
feigning love interest
like the pitbull never wags it's tail
all the time waiting for a fight
for no other reason
than to let it all go
if you have ever had a panic attack,
and crashing mind,
you know what it is to die.
pretty ****, I know.
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
rising heartbeat, panting breath
the ***** echoing off the walls
building in volume,
block by block
note by note
the weighted hands with heavy fingers
slamming the keys in discordant rhythm,
hitting just the wrong keys at the right time
making me wince.
Pressure building buildingbuilding
Is what I tell myself,
In gasping breaths
While gripping grasping my chest
filled with lungs that can’t fill,
In a mind that cannot think.
The conductor looses control of the orchestra,
The instruments screech horribly
As he waves his arms vainly,
Jumping and begging for a stop,
louder and louder the instruments soar.
Breathe in, breathe out
My head falls into my hands
Breathe in breathe out
when will this ever end?
My heart is racing
My mind in pounding
My breath is shortening
My eyes are blurring
My life is thinning
My time is s l o w i n g to a crawl
My fear is unparalleled
My panic gone wild
I am afraid
I am scared
I don't know what to do
I am alone
I'm alone in my misery
I'm alone right behind the door
I'm alone and you can hear me!
But you choose to ignore
I am alone in every way of the world
You, my maker, have left me here
You've left me in my despair
You've left me without a care
I wish to scream out to you but instead can only hang m head
I am a survivor my story untold
I will never tell but I will hold
I will hold it in
I will never tell
I am the survivor
And you are the one whose put me through hell
Today is fine;
The tiniest disturbance.
I don't like this.
A hole, torn in your existence.
Begin the singularity,
more and more.
Becometh the raging storm.
Longer I stare,
Surround my consciousness.
everything is black.
I can't see.
I can't breathe.
My heart hurts.
Reflections of the wrong.
Exponentiate the entropy of thought.
Today is fine.
I lost sight of myself
a few hundred miles back
And down here it's hard to fight
the gray hue of a panic attack
I've been looking so hard for an exit to u-turn
I missed the coruscate skyline of you that I yearn
Can we talk about the word trigger
Because people are dumb
Teenagers say they are triggered when
They don’t want to write a paper
They miss a goal in soccer
They drop their phone
That is called being annoyed or disappointed
That is not triggered
A trigger is an emotional allergy
Some that triggers distress or panic
A trigger is loud noises cause a panic attack
She was so scary
She had the night under her eyes
She was so hidden that she could laugh in the middle of a panic attack
Doubting this is it,
The panic starts to set in.
It’s starting again...
Is this my forever?
i’ve been hearing voices again so i’m just
staying high to drown out the voices
so many choices have led me to where i am
and i don’t think it makes sense that such a fragile, sensitive me could be born from unabashed passion
my heart aches all the time for the smell of my momma
one more time
cigarettes and cherry blossoms and all
i wish i could soar higher and higher until
the glue securing the feathers of my wings melted
and i plummeted to the earth getting to you
i found my biological dad and family from that side
he’s been passed away for a long time
biologically an orphan
but a psychic told me my dad always protects me and watches over me, there is a squash blossom necklace he wishes me to have
physically i will be just fine, self harm is not seriously physically threatening
i don’t want to die really after all
my mind is the problem
i just need the voices to make sense
and they’re not, and that’s making me scared
what is this life trying to teach me?
what about this life determines my next life?
and i never wish to have these scars fade, present life and/if afterlife
every single **** and line
i am fragile; but, evidently, i’m still breathing
that has to account for something
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