I am sorry for ways I've treated you bad
It was myself
Not you
Making me mad

Over my rage have no control
You suffer unfairly for the darkness in my soul

I do not mean to take out my insecurity
On anyone else
It can be too much for me

Sometimes I am bothered to the point where I snap
In black and blues paint on my thighs a detailed map

So everyone sees how I got to where I am
Somewhere between point A and point B stopped giving a ****

On my flesh insanity artistically explained
Story written myself not in shades of ink
But pain

Come closer so maybe you read and undestand
My efforts did not work out as planned

I do not have what it takes to improve
Instead of striving I hardly move

Trying to make your problems less difficult than they are
Another layer to the puzzle already too hard

I do my best
Hold my tongue instead of cuss and yell
No words could convey why  being with you is hell

I do not get my irrational emotions either
I try to calm myself
You won't let me take a breather

Because you are convinced I will do my health harm
Do it for me accidentally with restraining arms

I vainly attempt to maintain my composure
You start flinching and it's all over

If you say I am crazy
Crazy is what you'll get
How you speak about me makes me upset

When I work my *** off
Be perfect and chill
Make me out to be a psychopath still

Your idea of me clearly set in stone
You only are with me because you fear being alone

I am writing my thoughts as if it will matter
You won't read between lines scattered

It is easier for you to act as if it's all in my head
I have no reason to ache and should be satisfied instead

You may be right about mental state and such
I only flip out because I care way too much

You cannot create more passion than you actually feel
Quit deceiving both of us and for once be REAL

Your love for me the only thing of which I have no doubt
It is all the other ******* I am unsure about

If I am your best friend won't you confide?
Closeness we used to share must have died

Or maybe made that part up as well
So confused at this point can no longer tell

To avoid your displeasure try to be tough
It literally kills me knowing I'll never be enough

Do not ask me why I'm sniffling from now on
There exists no right answer because each is wrong

I am the reason behind everlasting pain
It really doesn't make sense to complain

I just wish knew why you manipulate and lie
Say you just want my happiness then do things that make me cry

Be honest
I don't supply what you need
Don't expect commitment if you can't return the deed

I am losing my mind
You're slipping away
If you know what is good for you you won't bother to stay

You own every single piece of me
Every part
The only one with all of my heart

I have given everything I have to you within my core
I still feel as if I should have given so much more

Because you deserve sun to never set or say goodbye
Deserve not the moon or stars but the whole entire sky

The love you have shown since the day we met
An unrecipricable gift for which i will forever be in debt

There are no words to express depth of my gratitude
Sure you have no clue cause of my constantly bad mood

As hard as I try being someone worthy of your caress
Each tense day that passes you like me less and less

I cannot blame you for dwindling adoration
Hard cherishing a girl who voices no appreciation

I have noticed the difference in behavior for awhile
Remain unable to coax out your smile

I lost the ability to conjure your laughter
It's vanished along with happy-ever-after

The years spent making love feel like a dream
Unsure if I am remembering wrong
Was it as amazing as to me it seems?

Gone are moments we were free from fear and cares
Happy as long as the other was there

Now all we do
Argue and fight
Pretty sure you're starting to get sick of my sight

I leave marks on surface of your magnificent skin
Drawing blood out
You won't let me in

Scratching hopes I'll somehow break through
If I dig my nails deep enough I'll get to the real you

I do not want to hurt you but I can't seem to stop
The things you say leave my head spinning like a top

I have explained before you have nothing from me to hide
The sole element I need is for you to let me inside

You have never given me a full chance to be understanding
In the past I was strict and demanding

But that was back before I knew what forever was like
Sweat and shake when those withdrawals strike

You have seen me change so drastically
Over time
I'm not even the same me

And even when I would express aggravation
Forgave each mistake without hesitation

For I had known certainly you were "The One"
Locked eyes and right there my search was done

Our romance has survived lots of ups and downs
Used to wear mostly smiles but they've switched to frowns

I am the reason why it's difficult to get along
Finally realized it's me who's in the wrong

For so long pride has rendered me blind
Justifying words no matter how unkind

For every hurtful action came up with an excuse
Truly believed you deserved the abuse

For damage you did and the lies you told
That doesn't give me the right to act cold

You have served your sentence:
A year spent on your own
A prison I built and left you in alone

As punishment for tears you made me cry
Slowly breaking my heart
Not telling me why

For the fraction of life I wasted in chains
I washed different parts of myself down the drain

But wasn't you drowning my sorrows
Hand pouring remorse on not just today but all tomorrows

Haunted unforgettable pain
Memory of what no longer remained

I attempted to seal sadness within
No one got a glimpse of the agony within

I was sure would eventually go away
I ignored the ache and pushed through it each day

But the longer I pretended was just fine
Crazier it drove me knowing you weren't mine

Tortured by the fact was the one who chose to leave
To deceieve myself thinking you would change was plain naive

But truly believed you were ready to be done
It came as a surprise when after me you didnt run

I assume it is because i acted like I moved on
Too wounded to let witness my distress with you gone

Determined to never go through same ordeal twice
Trusting nature i was forced to ultimately sacrifice

I put up walls
Blocked ricocheting echoes of  your voice
That's not all I barricaded out with my choice

In order to be unshackled from terrible fear
Hope and happiness also had to disappear

Solitude was total freedom at first
That relief quickly turned into a curse

I noticed resolve diminishing bit by bit
Something missing from my world and you were it

I yearned for moments of comfort and bliss
Magic contained in your enchanting kiss

Irresistible drawn to despite what you lacked
Caved and despite my instinct took you back

No one else could possibly make me feel the way you do
I accepted a relationship where my heart stays torn in two

But problem is we've had too much room to grow
Into people hardly recognize but know

I am still Amanda and you are still Paul
Infatuation has not wavered at all

But I have grown bitter
Full of anger
Who is responsible for morphing me into a stranger?

A glance in the mirror shows a twisted reflection
I can't pinpoint the exact imperfection

I feel ugly and unworthy of love
Far away from my image I forcefully shove

Why do you tolerate violence and greif?
Patient when in return offer no relief

If you saw the picture I've become you'd depart
Before once again I leave pits on your heart

You hold me in devoted embrace
Piercing with the fearful expression on your face

You love me (at least promise you do)
I cannot fully trust though I try to

I cannot comprehend a single trait you see
I am a screaming mess and you stick around me

You are a miracle that through darkest hours shone
Truthfully very best guy I have ever known

Some people touch you
Set your skin on fire
Body up in some invisible flames
It's common to touch your surface
Reaching your soul takes specific aim

If someone sticks out and waves their hand
During your coldest longest hour
They deserve to feel warmest
You have the power

It does not happen often
Matter of fact it is quite rare
Go and put yourself out
When it's their turn they're not there

Who is beside you in celebration
And ALSO in your greif?
Should be thankful if just one person
Has your back
In you shows belief

Slow progress
Better than rushed progress

For you I try to be less depressed
The most important part of my life is you

I keep feelings close
Closer than my own

Yet
Not close enough

You cannot be all the things I want you to be

How could I expect you to?

I cannot be them myself

I wish I believed in magic again
We all did way back when

I suspected this day was coming
Now that it's finally here
Realize I'm not ready
Face my biggest fear

I want to stop desperately
Seems I've tried a lot
Every time I am ready
Stubborn addiction is not

The drugs grab control of me
Steer me straight into a wall
Pull me back into the ditch
Doesn't matter how many times I go through withdrawal

I have learned my lesson the hard way
Much too often to count
Then again the hard way
The only way I've known about

Let the ocean take away
I drown in blue misery
Wash up on some greener shores
World that in comparison is easy

Do not smoke if you can't handle the heat
You're afraid of getting burned
Flames always steal a part
Once gone not always returned

I have given up on finding myself
Buried pieces too deep
Intention was to plant them
No harvest grows to reap

So remain trapped in a cycle
Strapped by only threads
Running from my demons
Tires me as sickness spreads

No one coming to save me
I've toppled overboard
Danced on the very edge
This is my reward

Consume me as I spiral down
Watch me crash in an explosion
Go enjoy the show
Not what I have chosen

When eyes can't stand my reflection
Monster staring back
Use to blur the edges
To smudge all that I lack

Time is always running
One minute after the next
Door to sobriety is always open
In the moment hesitating perplexed

Do not quit because I don't know how
I've done it once before
Daydreaming past recovery
Cannot remember what I did it for

When the silence starts mocking me
Following a great and heavy pause or two
Hold my hand tightly
It will pull me through

Riding home in a hellbound car
My lover by my side
I tried to steer a different way
But it seems by rules I can't abide

So I rest my head against the glass
Scenery a pillow
Whooshing noise a bed
Led towards a house blanketed in snow
Wishing I could stop time instead

The drive is such a neutral place
It doesn't hurt to be alive
Between the nosedive and the pole vault
The steady up and down I survive

Age has craftily taken my beauty
It has spared one part
Though my body has been stolen by time
Laughing kept me young at heart

Mastering the art
Speaking without thinking through
Skilled in hurrying

What the **** do you see in me?
Why do you stick around?
I find it difficult to believe
That I'm the greatest thing you have found

Why do you love me?
Do you ever wonder?
Or are you oblivious
To the spell you're under?

I'm so far from perfect
You're so very near
How is it that both of us
Are not as black and white as we appear?

Am I your worst nightmare
Or still your dream come true?
Lately it's been cloudy and grey
Do you miss when skies were blue?

I'm constantly replaying memories
Of yesterday in my head
How do I stop living in the past
And make new ones in the present instead?

Will you help me find myself again?
Or have I been lost far too long?
Which direction is the right one?
What do I keep doing wrong?

I need to stop comparing pictures of the present to polaroids of the past
Memories of first day we met to the reality of the last

I am sick
Crying all the time
I feel like you are no longer mine
You never want me anymore
It cuts deep each time you ignore
I just want to be why you smile
If not always
Just once in awhile
I am afraid that if we stay together
Soon youll ask me to depart forever
What you feel
Never know
How you think of me
Rarely show
I am sure you'd say you love me if I dared to ask
How much of that love is only a mask?

How do I change?
I want to give up
Things have been this way for so long
Tried before but I'm not strong enough
Maybe I've been doing it wrong

I am only human after all
The gutter for me is home
I get so used to the fall
Ground becomes a place unknown

Beautiful but don't know it
Mind not able to see
The sky from where I sit
Full of shame
Somehow still empty

When I watch loneliness take its toll
(It's quite a hefty amount)
Weak throughout my entire soul
Not one part without

Remember it is darkest right before dawn
If no light can be seen
Things that frighten in shadows on the lawn
Come morning will feel like a dream

Made it through most terrible storms
Because I survived
Witnessed Lucifer take on many different forms
Each time he dies
Another revived

Can tell the difference between right and wrong
The good and evil overlaps and combines
Can go forward but only for so long
I get lost cause I can't read the signs

I wanted to be much more
Felt I had the capability
There still is hope that it's not too late for
Me to blossom into the flower meant to be

A truth is a frightening idea
Better
Even when it's worse
It's not what you want to hear
Might as well be a curse

Better to always live in ignorant bliss
Than face problems and die
You never see what's after you
Win safety but it's a lie

Life's better when in blindness
Honesty and reality equal pain
Call me crazy
To the alternative I prefer insane

We live on our little island
Beautiful planet
Remote
Such a deserted place
To reach you'd need a boat

If asked why I hold onto love so tightly even when it's killing me
I'd say because it's the only escape I've found from the pain of survival

How many wounds have healed by the graze of a tender touch?

Times you have crossed my path at the exact time I needed shelter from life's storm you made a roof out of your attentive arms to protect me

I would say  thank you but my mind can't create a "Thanks" big enough to display my infinite gratitude

It is easier for me to say "sorry" for not showing my love than to try and come up short

You never knew you were my once-upon-a-time because I was too embarrassed to confess to you that I believe in fairytales

Which has left us on two very different pages

Trust is a flickering flame
Fragile
Illuminating
Slow-to-grow
Perfect to warm coldest of hearts
Freeze if wind snuffs out it's glow

Do not smoke if your fire is shaky
Can't inhale after it's smothered
Once out must start all over again
New flame
When that dies
Another

Do not dare waste gratitude
Days given precious like gold
Instead of wishing love was known
Make sure people are told

Out and about
A rush
Sometimes people we don't see
Die
We are left with guilt
Because you were too"busy"

Hurt feelings blue and lonely
Searching for a friend
In between relationships looking
Cannot speak to mend

We all have a multitude of flaws
All breathe public air
Sit upon a chair judging
As if crime and injustice are rare

We will find time to express our love
Treat life like a dream
If family is not put first
World will seperate seam by seam

I want to be your other half
So good at loving you
Not even sunshine could warm you up
Make you glow like I do

I wish you would stop being perfect
Running from yourself

Problems and weaknesses are not contagious diseases you'll catch and spread by touching doorknobs or drinking after the wrong person
But are instead marks of individuality

Evidence of experiences and wisdom gained by them
Almost like birthmarks or at the very worst a mild condition that has made you a stronger person

Some have allergies
Some people have asthma or eczema
And you dear
Have a past

Run to me
Together we can face the parts of memory that are too frightening to look at alone
Instead of hiding regrets in the expectations of the present we will stroll headfirst directly through hazardous smog arm in arm
Until you finally make peace and fully forgive yourself for every last mistake ever made

I am a walking talking PSA for the incorrect way to live
Number of dollars in my bank account matches how many ***** I give
Counting change
Pay for gas so I can go to work
I get stuck behind the transit again
I'm gonna go berserk!
A little ****
Start my day
..Or more like a lot
The location of my pipe I've somehow forgot
Mismatched socks
Greasy hair
Bloodstains on jeans
For breakfast had coffee and a bag of jellybeans
Bearing ***** nails and even dirtier mind
A hole in my pantseams right in the behind
Positive thinking not doing me any good
Failed everything I have tried believing I could
Negative thinking has not worked either
Applied both
Found success in neither
The marks humans left on skin and my feelings
Turned my pride into a pile of peelings
Where am I going?
Haven't a clue
Trying to climb out of the hell I fell into
Going crazy searching for an escape route
That does not exist because there's no way out

From the very start
Always been my best friend
I promise that you'll always be
Up to the very end

I will never be too busy to talk
You need an ear to listen
Wipe tears from your face
Your wet cheeks glisten

You will always be my number one
My top priority
You're more than just my lover
The other half of me

You can be rightfully aggravating
When I have had a ****** day
As fast as my bad mood sets in
Make it go away

We have had amazing times together
Much laughter through the years
We've seen our share of heartache
Our relationship still here

Meeting was a miracle
Know I am truly blessed
Have found my perfect soul mate
In midst of life's madness

You keep moving forward
Towards our goals
Understand progress means
Wearing down and pushing our soles

When an avalanche of remorse
Buries me regretfully alive
Rescue me from suffocation
Dig a hole
I can survive

You do much more than I deserve
Why? I will never know
A lifetime of pure happiness
To you I will forever owe

You miss me wholly in my absence
100%
Selfishness and all
Take the stuff I hate about myself
Make those qualities seen small

I did not fall in love with you
That sounds strange for me to say
Because I loved you long before we met
I think I was born that way

Keep puffing poisonous clouds
I feel stress decrease
Lost like my former self
Keep searching for inner peace

Things are so out of place
Been ****** up for awhile
Try to keep my mind right
Hosting self-blame and denial

I obstruct noise with music
Block distractions with volume
Worries barge in large groups
Interrupting speakers loud tune

Nothing quiets my ever-screaming thoughts
No sound drowns my troubled brain out
Tried but am incapable of
Changing what I think about

Sometimes I lose control and cry
It's the only thing I can
In bed dreaming happy futures
Hope to get there but have no plan

Fall asleep before pillows dry
Fall apart when dusk creeps in
Negativity held in place by lies
Like laundry hung on clothespins

Love is our ultimate weakness
Only great fools believe otherwise
We escape life through others
That is our true demise

The lies do not stop once they start
Know I'll eventually master the art
How long until they come apart?

I think it is time to come clean
Should never let fear be seen
No one know details of your routine

So go ahead and hide what is true
Sanity secretly an unlocked open zoo
You've all got answers but not one clue

It is true that fresh air is good for the body
It's not so good for air freshener companies
Stop only denying oxygen to overpolluted cities
Blinded by spectrums of little trees in each color
Get the **** out of your car and into reality
You can't live in your head instead of on Earth
And this is our body

Life is such a simple thing
At 18 years of age

When you have just bought your first car
A black 95' Ford Tempo

Reconstructed title
License plate boldly bearing the name "WRECK"

Keys pressed eagerly into an excited palm
As you head home to learn how to drive a manual


You never ever did get good at operating a stick shift, did you?