Along the shore of the Allegheny River in Pittsburgh
a little girl of about seven, dressed in a track suit
threw chunks of bread to nearby ducks and geese.
The geese, twice the size of their mallard brethren,
aggressively pushed between the ducks
to gobble up each morsel.
The girl placed her hands on her hips
and scolded the winged despots for their greed.
A few of the ducks joined in the protest,
and quacked in solidarity, for justice.
The geese remained undeterred in their conquest.
Clearly frustrated, the little girl gave up.
She handed the bag of bread to her mother
and then ran off to join a group of older children
playing frisbee in a nearby grass field.
The ruling geese and the victimized ducks
continued to swim near the shore,
hungry and confused,
and without that reliable food source.
Have you ever felt empty inside?
Have you ever felt that feeling of nothingness in the pit of your stomach
and it just stays and lingers for a little while,
you can't tell if it's from the lack of emotions or food.
You say you have it under control when really it has control
One bite and your thighs are like balloons blowing up
Two bites and you are suddenly 10 pounds heavier.
Have you ever felt That beautiful feeling of a hot cup of tea going down your empty stomach almost as a warmth, cause it may be July but you are just so cold.
The concealers you use on your knuckles to hide the marks of when your teeth hit cause your finger
just can't empty out all the hate you have filling your stomach
this isn't a poem about getting better.
This is a poem of what it's like without the better ending
the story of the girl who starved her self with a plate before her.
How selfish she was.
The very air I breathe is like poison to my system
Toxins in my veins, bravado slain, it's mischief
Wondering what's going on in my spectacular life
From the flames of a lighter to nomadic trips in the night
I'm a lost soul, a lone cause, I said that wrong
Just like everything else, bad lyrics to sad songs
I'm told to talk more, and told to talk less
A double standard board walk, a wooden plank into the depths
Coz we're all just fish food for ferocity, humanity
And if anything killed the cat it's curiosity, hilarity
Satisfaction: zero, this ain't the time to play hero
More or less to defend the rest and pass the test with a blue-coloured Biro
Pen to paper, ink the saviour, Jack be nimble; quick
Trying to do the right thing is worse than jumping candlesticks
I know I seem quite confident, give me the world I'll handle it
But you have to realise I'm only human with nightmares too imaginative
Just colouring in white pages to fill blank spaces
Is this just one for me or for the ages?
Because you can find a reason to smile in creation
But more reason to grin and laugh in the path to destruction
Sweetheart, give me something to drink or eat;
For I am starving tonight.
I don't want alms, just the palms of your hands outstretched to take over my emotional poverty.
My poverty of speech at the mere mention of your scorching kisses.
My belly that gives an uproar for you to nurture me with your love.
Make me drink the poison from your thoughts.
Let me not go to bed hungry.
Hold me like a broken doll.
Undress me and calm my storms.
Do not hesitate to feed my mind with stories from the places that your mind has seen.
But don't make me feel how underfed I've been all this time.
You come in many shapes and sizes,
Sometimes with fillings full of surprises.
Whether you're dark, brown or white
You never fail to make my day bright.
Now that you're so close at hand,
I'm finding it hard to withstand.
I'm sorry, you're too good of a bait
It's now time for me to annihilate.
In all honesty.
I think what I truly desired was to be put on a plate.
And be devoured piece by piece.
My attention, all my free time.
Everything that no one else could see.
With knife and fork.
T be taken apart and devoured tastefully.
With nothing left except the juice of where I laid.
The tough parts that take time to cut,
Revealed in an instant.
To be desired in mutual attraction, a certain craving.
Covered in salt, pepper, a slice of butter.
All of my interests, my habits.
The anticipation of being sizzled and flipped on a cast iron skillet.
Served fresh on a plate.
A baked potato on the side to bring out the taste.
In all honesty.
I think I'll have a steak
"... had an early lunch."
"... already ate... not hungry."
My daily white lies.
One hundred pounds. Most
Teenage girls' dream size, but the
Weight of my nightmares.
"... eating disorder..."
The last words I hear before
My head hits the ground.
I don't even feel
it anymore. My body
Got used to starving.
A penny for each
Meal I've thrown out could buy me
Work out until your
Size is small as your daily
"You're far too skinny"
They don't see the fat girl that
Lives in my mirror.
- p. winter