So many things on my mind, so many wonders going like how and why?

I didn't know you too well, for goodness's sake I didn't know you at all.

But your death, made me realize you've been in pain,
But left me oblivious of the reasons behind.

I wish I knew, I wish I could've helped.
I know it wasn't my fault,
and Even tho it was your decision ,
to commit suicide,  
to let go,
I know that, it wasnt your fault either.

But maybe, just a little maybe and a little of hope that I hold onto ,
you just wanted , a different life, that you could re-unite in with your dad.

But I wish you knew, the impact you left behind.
Because you truly have changed my life ,
you may not know it, and you may never have the chance,
or what's more insane is that maybe one day you will.

Everyone truly is in regret , and even the ones who were far,
have always been there for you, if you could've gave them a chance.

You'll always be in my prayers, and I will make sure to complete the purpose of your life.

Just one message from you, and just one sentence made me this way.

You said "I cant forget our old good days" ,
and you said you didnt want to disturb me anymore.

But sadly , you dont know half the reasons of why I had let you go.

I look for beauty
even when it's dripping
in the corner of an alley
filled with all the monsters
underneath my bed
and inside my head.

“You’re not that weak,
                                  and it’s not that hard.”

“You’re beautiful,
                 but more importantly than that you’re wonderful.”

sick of all the
games everyone plays,
and all the
rules I have to abide to,

sick of all the things
I need to do,
and all the times
I must silence
myself away,

sick of going
through the hardships
just to enjoy the
good times for
a little while,

sick of proving
to others
my success, my self-love,
my worth,

sick of stressing
about life before it happens,
and forgetting to just live.

three little kids
spend every friday
after school together,
make fashion runways
out of eachother’s
building halls,
went from going
on field trips together
to each discovering life
in separate ways,
one grew more popular,
one grew more reliant
and one more in peace
with her surroundings,
how can it be that
they learn to accept
that bodies grow and
distances increase
but not that hearts change?

I want to cry.

I dont know why.

My heart aches
my head hurts,
my body is tired,

and my thoughts have gone wild.

My thoughts tremble
in the empty space my sanity used to occupy,

My hands search for the warmth you gave that they lost,

My lungs beat up my heart everytime they gasp for air,

My cheeks start dribbling down my face along with my tears,

My mind tries to convince me to love myself when I’ve become the vacuum of breathing, kept cold by the sanity that left along my thoughts.

i’ve taught myself
to be silent when
i shouldn’t,
and now i’m not
when i should,

there i go,
obliviously, relentlessly
and uncontrollably making
my voice worthless and worth less.

Little did I know
that you are
the rainbow
at the end
of every
single
storm.

How am I supposed to stand on my feet, when all they want to do is run away?

you look at
him like
he doesn't
deserve her,
just because
you want her.

this heart of mine
grows simultaneously
weaker and stronger,
you see,
every time I try to
explain myself,
it flourishes,
but when
my voice is taken
for granted,
it withers away.

What if all the flowers died , and the world turned black and blue.
What if all the flowers blossomed in dark colors, and the world died.
What if beautiful things disappear and my eyes dont tear.
What if the flowers' beauty fade and the colors blossom, in my dark world.

you love me
like I loved him,
and he loved me
... never.

So many times,
I’ve tried telling you
that I love you and that I care for you,

I need you to know that I see your intentions,
that you are indeed trying,

He does not see you for who you are,
she can not see you for who you are,
they would not see you for who you are,
if you do not acknowledge who you are,

dear self,
care for your soul, it’s been homeless too many times,
sing to your heart, it’s been homesick for some beats,
make peace with your mind, it’s the only home for your thoughts,
thoughts like this,
that have not been cared for at all
and not once filled with some love.

To my abuser,

I know you will never
be attached to me
the way I am attached to you,

but dear,
that's because you are broken
and you're addicted to
projecting your pain,

and I'm here picking up
all of my pieces,
trying to heal.

Did you lose weight in hopes
you'd lose the guilt of the shame you made me gain?

I cant sleep. My sports bra feels too tight. My hair feels tacky. My lips feel dry. My skin feels yucky. Im tired but bored.

Happiness was always plural in my mind,
there had to be a he, a she or they,
but as time passed,
I grew to learn that
happiness is a singular ' I '.

trust that you can,
learn to be motivated
believe in your potential
and love to thrive.

You said that
you attempted to **** yourself 9 times
and you were so close to,
what if I told you I died
100 times when those words had escaped your mouth?

settling for less is the war
everyone's trying to flee from,

but in fact,
settling for less is
an extra shot of espresso
in the coffee that we
drink each morning
in an attempt
to avoid being alone
for the rest of the day.

At first,
you spend
a couple moonless nights
getting to know the meaning
behind my name,

then you trace the
beatings of my heart
when you hear my voice
calling your name,

and one moonless night,
you reveal to me that you're the Sun
and I realize that the meaning
behind my name always had revolved around yours.

my body
misses you
more than it can handle
the pain of the withdrawal.

comfort
is such a foreign zone
that I long for,

a land that I can't seem to
be able to spot
on any map,

people tell me
its borders are indefinite,

and i tell them,
please take me
to the mother
I have never known.

I held scissors between my hands yesterday's night,
I cut a heart out of cardboard,
gave it a shower,
tucked it to bed,
sang to it a couple beats
and buried it in my chest.

Guilt of lack of sleep
makes me decide to go to bed early,

Guilt of lack of accomplishments
makes me unable to sleep thinking about it,

Guilt of sleeping in and time wasted
makes me put 3 alarms at 6:01 am, 6:02 am, and 6:05 am,

Guilt of my emotions eating me up,
makes me unable to get up even when Im wide awake,

It turns out that guilt is the only thing I accomplish, allow to eat my day up, and yet can't decide on lacking.

I tell myself that I had to go through everything I went through because this is the path that's been written for me. I had to be friends with a girl whose shoulder I cried on multiple times because "my grandpa was sick". It wasn't a lie. It was merely a concealment of my own sickness. My first time going out with a guy had to be me third-wheeling on her date. I had to go to a party just to fall apart on the bathroom floor wondering if this is the last time I feel its coldness, your alligator tears knocked on the locked door asking me to release the broken reflection of me in your eyes. I dreamt of the day I had to travel distances away just so you get hurt a little bit, cry on this shoulder of mine and it be my tears' turn to play disguise.

I've been dreaming a lot lately,
I've been getting enough sleep and more,
I've been writing things that rhyme,
I've been cutting off toxic people,
I've been breathing fresh air
and oh my god it feels so
good to be so empty.

I am my //thoughts at 3 am // broken and shattered // within the silence // my mouth is shut // there is nothing to indulge // not even the air particles // It hurts so much // to feel // to sense // to even be human // to be me // actually.

I just want to // go home // but // I don't know // if it even ever // existed // I just want to get away from people // I hate // the temporariness // it 's wrapped around my neck // like a string // more like a rope // for // every tear that falls // from my eyes // my neck // my chest //my heart // my feelings  // burned relentlessly.

I want // to drive // I want // to breathe // I want to go // on a road trip // to the furthest destination // to a beach // with the darkest sky // the lightest shade //  turquoise sea // the brightest stars // to fulfill the night // I want to lay // on the beach // pretend // the sand in my life // didn't bury me // I didn't suffocate // I wanted to lay // there for so long // that I would // forget I exist // similar to // the way // I ignore my feelings // for so long// just so that I forget // how to feel.

Sometimes // I wonder why // wouldn't the stars // just fall in my arms // the future // the unknown //
I'm afraid // of drowning // once those feelings // become // too heavy.

everything is labeled // life is // like a side effect // slowly // killing me// I want to // seize many moments // replay them // I want to forget // and forget // just forget //  I am human // that // I once existed // leave no trace behind // disappear into the atmosphere //

I want // impossibilities // to turn // into realities // those thoughts // the scene of them // it could make // everyone // flee // I love to make them wonder // how long those lived // wandering // in my head // how I became // a prisoner in my own mind  // with my own will // I cant // flee // from the human // I am destined to be // I can // never have enough // wanting so much.

inadequacy seems
like the only
feeling that
chooses
to stay.

It is not the truth if I have to convince myself,
it isn't a choice if I have to make one,
it's not love if it's forced,
but is it even sadness anymore when it becomes a reality?

it seems that i gave you happiness,
all of it,
all of the happiness in the world,

even the little bit that belonged to me..

remember
that having weaknesses is not wrong,
but letting them carry your life for you is.

"Write me a poem, Write me a poem" he said.
And this boy and those words never left my head.
Where do I start , where do I end.
Do I begin with my feelings or do i begin with his.
Do I write about his pure soul or do I write about his words.
As every hello he greets, down came the night,
And **** I wish it never comes to an end.
No matter the trouble, this boy is in depth,
A poem that's always in my head.

I can still feel
your cheeks
pressed against mine,
your eyes locked on mine,
your heart beat as you
lay on my chest,
your hands caressing
my face,
my heart wanting to burst,
except this time
it's because
you are gone.

They say the world is becoming a better place, proven in that happy people are becoming happier. Nobody seems to want to mention that sad people are becoming more sad too, so isn't that original statement a little underrepresenting? How is the world being a better place even a good thing? Doesn't that also mean that the world is a bad place to begin with, and it becoming less negative doesn't take away from the fact that it's still negative, I mean, otherwise why am I still sad? Why isn't the sadness going away? Is it merely because of my existence or is it more about my presence in this sort of world? Even if the world was neutral, it would only be so because the disparity between those who are happy and those who are sad is growing. Then what is the solution, you may be wondering? Can't one's happiness grow without someone else's shrinking? The truth is that everyone pays a price- some pay it through alienation from others, and others by alienating themselves.

Ladies,
your standards are the not the problem
your standards are their problem
and your problem is how low
the bar has been set.

"IT HURTS." You screamed, loud enough for anyone to know that you are indeed hurting.

"Hey, it's going to be okay." I say.

I am a liar, I am oblivious. I dont know if things would ever get better for you. I'm just a person who lives on the hope that tomorrow might bring. Sometimes, faith is all you need.

a silent cry
tells it all,
short breaths,
giggles in between,
is the truth funny
or is the reality just another
joke no one laughs at...

don't let
the ship sink,

and if
it happens,

don't
leave me
behind,

drown me
in your love.

concealment
is just a lie in disguise

Accept change
with open arms,
I promise you
that the road is
not that bumpy
and that you
will be just alright

2:17 PM.
It hits me, I'm late.
2:17 PM - 2:18 PM.
My heart begins to ache.
2:19 PM .
I realize my life is over.
2:20 PM.
I gaze through the car's window into the sky.
2:20 PM.
I question my entire existence.
2:20 PM.
A tear escapes my eye.
2:20 PM.
Driver asks what's wrong.
2:20 PM.
"I'm late, again." I say out loud.
2:21 PM.
I realize I'm actually 3 hours and 39 minutes early.
2:22 PM.
My heart continues to ache; my life isn't over. Ugh.

Tonight I dont feel like sleeping. I dont feel like eating. I dont feel like dreaming. I dont feel like being. I’m done believing, I’m done feeling.

I thought you were trying to make me a better person,
I thought you knew better than I did,
but you don’t,
and I know I’m better off without you,
because all you have been trying to make out of me,
is a person you can control.

Nobody tells you,
“don’t fall in love with just anyone yet”
because if you fall out of love once,
you’ll fall out once again,
a couple times more,
and perhaps keep falling in and out
over and over,

they advice you to not dive in too deep,
because it hurts to get out once you’re in,
but they don't say don’t dive in
just because you can,
that you shouldn’t just give your lover
tests to prove their love for you,
but that you must test your own love,
see if you can prove your love
to yourself,
after all how can you be sure of
loving someone
when you can’t love the person
your heart beats within?

Yesterday night,
as I was crossing the
bridge of the past,
your name was
barely floating underneath,
I looked at it as it was
half submerged,
half breathing,
and my hand didn't reach out for it,
instead, it reached out for my heart,
listened to its beats,
they said walk to the end of the bridge,
and I did,
my hand reached for my hair and cut
two strands to make a ribbon to tie the past,
you loved my hair after all,
didn't you?