mush i feel like mush
disgusting mush
mush that’s been left out too long and you can’t refrigerate again
i feel revolting and disgusting
i’ve come to terms with the fact that i need to invent a sophisticated enough word to express the hatred i feel for the body that i’ve been cursed with
and you’ll say it’s the body you love infinitely
every stretch mark, hair, roll, and dimple
in my mind, i find you absolutely ludicrous
i doubt your words and ****** remarks
i think “you have horrible taste”
how could someone so perfect love someone so imperfect
in my heart, i know it to be true
that i am not as hideously tragic as i see myself
but the mind is so cruel  
insecurity is so tragic

Six                 Mental
Cruel            Abuse
Hours           To
Of                  Humans
Our
Lives

you could be such a handsome, loving boy,
and live in a
big,
nice house
if you didn’t insist on treating me like this...

you know?

we could be neighbors, the
two of us, the
kind who smile and wave at each other at eight in
the morning before we drive to work.
.
.

you at the office, and me...
also
at the office.

can you even imagine:
laughing at whatever winter wonderland party
they hold
with no worries,
no secrets,
no walls...

but i have given up,
as you have grown cruel,  
still thinking of me in that mean, wretched way,
despite the fact that you probably say you don't really care...

but you're just that animal,
the one
you turned into for him-- what
do they call them again?

pigs?

silly girl,
little does she know,
they believe the smile,
not dare to look in the eyes,
the eyes hiding the lies,
little do they know,
she's been crying all night,
silly girl,
~little does she know~

Show me the heart
who was never cruel
and I will admit my
fallacy in believing
that hate is less
fearful than love.
Always too many absents
at life’s lessons and no one
who raises a hand.

Why?
How?
I just don’t understand. How could you possibly raise a human so full of hate? So lacking of any human emotion?
Yes I had my flaws.
Yes I am a little on the crazy side.
No I did not deserve the cheating.
No I did not deserve the blatant lies to my face.
The emotional pain that was caused to me.
I did not deserve being made fun of for my depression.
What did you do to make him like this?
What did I do to make him like this?
I tried everything I could.
Even when I was good, we still weren’t.
There was nothing I could do.
I tried getting closer.
I tried getting distant.
To no avail.
He broke me.
You may see it the other way.
You may take his side.
But in reality,
He was just as bad as I was
If not worse.
So tell me
How did you raise a child so cruel?
A child so heartless?
Kicking someone when they’re down isn’t something people do.
Pushing them over the edge for fun?
Did he learn that from you?
I’m just trying to figure it all out.
How?
Why?
What did I do?