I haven't as yet deleted your number. I sometimes open your chat window and the last time we talked blinks as an old, old date. Reminding me every time how it's not the time to still stay. That I should move on much like you did, but then you never cared enough in the first place.
I miss you a little because you left a part of yourself here. I told you I would miss you and I wasn't wrong. One thing I'm especially proud of is never claiming false love or promising you lands I couldn't ever let you enter. But you did that, and I hope someday guilt eats at you.
You lied about love!
brown eyes i thought you were the one
you hid behind a fake smile and convincing touch
i let down a wall for you
brown eyes i bet you think you won
brown eyes little do you know behind that wall were 20 more
and behind that; was a bullet proof door
you think you played me
you think i'm just another girl to add to your list
but brown eyes your name is irrelevant and you had nothing but a poisoness kiss
brown eyes you're the one that's just a number to me
a number on the list of boys before you
with the same deceiving words and cold heart
all who i let in thinking maybe they would just fucking stay,
the ones that had a smile on their face while they tore me apart
you're just like everyone else
alright so all that stuff i wrote about you being amazing and all that
yeah forget it its in the past now whatever
dont get me wrong youre a great person and an even better friend and cute as a button but lately ive been thinking
i shouldnt have clung and worshipped you the way i did
i let you occupy every bit of me when i was nothing but a passing wind to you
it wasnt good for me but you couldnt care
you didnt care
and you didnt care anymore as soon as you let me go
so i learned how to do the same
and soon enough the constant reminders i had didnt hurt and instead they were just things
you became my friend again rather than someone i lost and longed for
i was finally happy again. no tears fell from my eyes and i felt lighter than ever before
i could sing i could dance and i could care about myself again
now as in currently at this moment in time, you happen to be dating one of my best friends, someone, i introduced you to
in some ways, i essentially created my own demise and i find it ironic
but you two are happy and adorable i could wish no ill will onto either of you
all i want for anyone is happiness and fulfillment so thank you.
thank you for showing me that i could be by myself and at peace.
Lost, & no one is searching.
Not for me,
definitely not, I'm just an "Orphan" & so you seem to see.
I'm scared of the upcoming events.
I'm at a loss for words that are heavy —lead...
with the collection of what I can't prevent.
I, it's my expense.
I bend until I break because of things like this.
No one gets it,
No one will ever get this.
People I live with,
Say that I just need to believe in myself,
They don't get it,
I just write a lot, I just write...
I have a lot on my mind.
I hate the idea of moving.
Of a suitcase makes me go blind.
I just can't spill my eyes
There's words I need to write, words become a monster in my life, by walking on my spine, pressed against the cracked skull & my peeling mind, they're all I can think.
They always want to fight.
So far away,
To a University
& Dorm-room stay,
I'm quite a fog, no definition-no importance— I fade
In the grey.
I Fade away every damn day.
Take it all away?
"No, stop being negative" they will say.
It feels like another Foster home,
I just want to go,
dissappear- collapse into the undergrowth.
But inside I've never been so low.
Insatiable and ravenous the beast still grows.
Chewing through what I create for you
Just stub my toe trying to hold.
On to the walls as they slip I fold.
Into myself, a mystery that gets dull & old.
I've lost again, on this, I've been,
My words know
Lost in interest to become a muddled grown.
I've no certainty,
Certainly, I cannot keep...
What I cannot see,
I cannot see where I'll be,
Who'll stay? Nobody...?
Who would want to stay in my life?— No one needs to say that I
Have become a joke,
& as I choke I know —I'm not funny,
Not even me
I guess it's okay,
They don't stay.
It's always the same.
My mind's leaving me.
Nothing will ever change.
—They never really did, & slowly,
Through my fingers, they...
& my weak grip, white knuckles I wouldn't lie, I tried, everything, but it was my weakness that gripped.
I'm just going to have to get used to this.
I swear I've been,
Lost, now I'm even more lost when
... I'm searching. I'm looking
From outside of myself —in.
My ribs open,
I'm an open book, but now I'm a loose-leaf—dropped with a pen,
I, to not be picked up again,
My skin is paper thin,
Go ahead take a look right in?
See what's really inside of me.
That my heart is just too big...
Maybe- my wounds will bring you to me?
I have so much love to give,
I cannot keep it contained in.
My heart is exploding.
I know it...
This life is no longer mine to live.
Why do I feel like this?
Everything is going great, it is.
Yet something is amiss,
I'm reckless, I try, and end up defective.
I feel like I am obsolete.
Thinking about more than I can think.
I've been getting better at buying,
The lies between
~ the pages of a book without a spine - me,
getting better at hiding
that I'm just, weak,
Hung up by the seams,
A nail in the wall holding me
A puppet without strings,
The nail has a name, PTSD
Hang me in the hall,
Watch me drop down and fall.
On my face in the heat
Watch my colors-fade-to-grey as they blend in the bleed.
A painting of melting color that drips and drips,
No worth, I'm worthless.
I'm just that foster kid from the streets.
The one that no one needs,
I don't want to be,
I woke up and don't want to be me,
I just want to be free.