I haven't as yet deleted your number. I sometimes open your chat window and the last time we talked blinks as an old, old date. Reminding me every time how it's not the time to still stay. That I should move on much like you did, but then you never cared enough in the first place.

I miss you a little because you left a part of yourself here. I told you I would miss you and I wasn't wrong. One thing I'm especially proud of is never claiming false love or promising you lands I couldn't ever let you enter. But you did that, and I hope someday guilt eats at you.

You lied about love!

brown eyes i thought you were the one
you hid behind a fake smile and convincing touch
i let down a wall for you
brown eyes i bet you think you won
brown eyes little do you know behind that wall were 20 more
and behind that; was a bullet proof door
you think you played me
you think i'm just another girl to add to your list
but brown eyes your name is irrelevant and you had nothing but a poisoness kiss
brown eyes you're the one that's just a number to me
a number on the list of boys before you
with the same deceiving words and cold heart
all who i let in thinking maybe they would just fucking stay,
the ones that had a smile on their face while they tore me apart


brown eyes,



you're just like everyone else

Scream.
Bleed. Dream.
Your face in my head
All I see.
I'm Fine. I Lie.
NUMB
You didn't walk,
You ran.
No reason. No Warning.
I Forgive. You Forget.
You Move On. I miss.
Bleed.
Dream.
SCREAM

Move on, Let go and never look back.
Keep this on your mind
Remind yourself everyday.
Ask yourself, but why?
and you'll know the reason why you need to
Move on, Let go and never look back

if absolution must come from me
rest assured,
you are free

it's hard to walk in your own room these days
because it feels more like a cemetery
a cemetery holding all the different versions of yourself you created
just to try and be good enough
for someone else

Lost, & no one is searching.
Not for me,
definitely not, I'm just an "Orphan" & so you seem to see.

I'm scared of the upcoming events.
I'm at a loss for words that are heavy —lead...
Leaflet
with the collection of what I can't prevent.
I, it's my expense.
~
I bend until I break because of things like this.
No one gets it,
No one will ever get this.
People I live with,
Say that I just need to believe in myself,
Again,
They don't get it,

I just write a lot, I just write...
I have a lot on my mind.
I hate the idea of moving.
The sight,
Of a suitcase makes me go blind.
I just can't spill my eyes
like ink.
There's words I need to write, words become a monster in my life, by walking on my spine, pressed against the cracked  skull & my peeling mind, they're all I can think.
They always want to fight.

So far away,
To a University
& Dorm-room stay,
I'm quite a fog, no definition-no importance— I fade
In the grey.
I Fade away every damn day.
Take it all away?
Silly me.
"No, stop being negative" they will say.

It feels like another Foster home,
I just want to go,
dissappear- collapse into the undergrowth.
But inside I've never been so low.
Insatiable and ravenous the beast still grows.
Chewing through what I create for you
To
Just stub my toe trying to hold.
On to the walls as they slip I fold.
Into myself, a mystery that gets dull & old.
I've lost again, on this, I've been,
'Ashton' without
a doubt
My words know
no woe.
Lost in interest to become a muddled grown.

I've no certainty,
Certainly, I cannot keep...
What I cannot see,
I cannot see where I'll be,
Who'll stay? Nobody...?
Who would want to stay in my life?— No one needs to say that I
Have become a joke,
& as I choke I know —I'm not funny,
~
Nobody
Not even me
Hey,
I guess it's okay,
They don't stay.
It's always the same.
My mind's leaving me.
Nothing will ever change.

—They never really did, & slowly,
Through my fingers, they...
Slipped
Away
From me
& my weak grip, white knuckles I wouldn't lie, I tried, everything, but it was my weakness that gripped.

I guess
I'm just going to have to get used to this.

I swear I've been,
Lost, now I'm even more lost when
... I'm searching. I'm looking
From outside of myself —in.

My ribs open,
I'm an open book, but now I'm a loose-leaf—dropped with a pen,
~
I, to not be picked up again,

My skin is paper thin,
Go ahead take a look right in?
See what's really inside of me.
That my heart is just too big...
Maybe-
Maybe- my wounds will bring you to me?
I have so much love to give,
I cannot keep it contained in.
My heart is exploding.
And
I know it...
This life is no longer mine to live.

Why do I feel like this?
Everything is going great, it is.
Yet something is amiss,
I'm reckless, I try, and end up defective.

I feel like I am obsolete.
Thinking about more than I can think.
I've been getting better at buying,
The lies between
~ the pages of a book without a spine - me,
getting better at hiding
that I'm just, weak,
I'm obsolete.
Hung up by the seams,

A nail in the wall holding me
A puppet without strings,
The nail has a name, PTSD
Hang me in the hall,
Watch me drop down and fall.

On my face in the heat
Watch my colors-fade-to-grey as they blend in the bleed.

A painting of melting color that drips and drips,
No worth, I'm worthless.

I'm just that foster kid from the streets.
The one that no one needs,
I don't want to be,
Believe me,
I woke up and don't want to be me,
I just want to be free.

-Ashton Amstutz