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Deadwood Jawn Sep 24
Look at me, dear...
And just see..
I AM DISCONNECTED.

               I am ALONE.
               None have time for me!
               Yes, though some do,
               It is not the ones I want.

MY, HOW SELFISH!
HOW UNGRATEFUL!

                                        No.. That's just..
                                        How I feel.
                                       I can't connect with the same gender.
                                        I hate being emotional with
                                                            ­                       other men.
         I need the opposite
  gender.
They're much more...
                                    Accepting.
Validating­ and
                                                             warm.
                   I can express myself
authentically, then.

They all got with their boyfriends and left me.
They all got with their girlfriends and left me.
They all got jobs and left me.
Yes, all the greatest and warmest
listeners...
                   They left me.
                                             Not a day goes past where
                                             I do not think of them.
                                                           ­   My soul yearns and needs.
                                                          ­    I am needing.

People stopped looking after themselves..
And left me.

                            I don't care if I'm selfish.
I do not care if I sound ungrateful.
             I know who I am.
                                               I know how much I give.
                    I know I'm allowed to.. Express.
No, yes...
             I will not be denied.
                                                         ­                                I
                                                               ­  Really
                                                Still
    ­                              Crave
                           And
                      Need
                 So much....

...
Slow.

I miss the days.
Where my friends or classmates
Would disclose to me that
they cut themselves too.
I miss that.
Not because I enjoy them suffering...
But because I enjoyed that intimacy...
What must I do?

                                     What must I do?
              What must I do?

                                                            ­   What must I do?

                                                            ­ Find a girlfriend?
                                                     ­        No...
                                                           ­  I am not strong enough
                                                          ­   For that, yet.

No...

                              No, not yet.

            No...

Wrap your hands around my heart and let me feel again.
O accursed. Please.
Yes, do see my pain and agony inside.
For I am bleeding out.
            
                                        I am forever lonesome.
                                        Let me know what touch feels like,
                                        Once again.

Why?..

Why won't anyone want to touch me...

I want to touch them...

But they don't want to touch me...


...

They don't want to touch me...
Not anymore..

Just how many times do they speak to you first?
I'm grieving the loss of my greater friendships.
i feel very alone in these moments
where i don't know who to talk to,
don't know who's ready for me
or if there's anyone at all who is

times like these make me feel as though
i can help but not be helped and
i shouldn't complain, i'm not lonely
but i'm just feeling so lo

i tell my friends it's just my meds,
the dose just isn't quite right
but what if it's not? what if it's me
and my fear of vulnerability?

please, i don't want you to go
like all the others who came before
listened to me talk, answer their questions
then turned their back on us

i guess the weight of my problems
is part of the cause; i'll never cut
down to the root, because the mass
just sinks it further

and i guess the weight is part of the cause
they choose to sink or swim,
and away they go, fleeing fast
as i tread the water, breathing shallow
Will I be stuck in the past forever?
I miss
when it was
just you and
I.
With birthdays passing by I remember the good times when we were each other's go to person. What happened?
asha Sep 14
i always get the same gift,
just wrapped in different paper.

i pause, i listen,
respond, honestly.
i pause, reach out,
remember, i love you.
i pause, awake early,
you rise, feast on my labor.
i pause, i pay,
open wallet, for our memories.
i pause, remember you,
a simple gift, out of love.
i pause, i pause, i pause.
i pause to give,
give all of what i have,
to love you, care for you,
to bring a smile to your face.

my pauses become longer,
my body becomes weaker,
my heart becomes depleted,
my mind becomes scattered,
& im exhausted.
so tired that my eyebags have eyebags,
my tears like a dried up lake,
my heart shriveled & empty.
i gave all of me, all i had.
every pause belonged to you.
but none belonged to me.

you look confused,
upset, hurt.
you scoff, angry,
that i have become empty.
you think i am neglecting you,
i try to pause for me.
you accuse me of selfishness,
accuse me of manipulation.
you say my pauses were calculations,
that i am only there when i need something.
but i never needed anything,
just for you to...
pause.

the gift i get, is all the same
just wrapped in different papers.
leeches, vampires, vacuums,
anything to **** my heart dry.
yet told that i should be grateful,
for receiving a gift at all.
but all my pauses are gifts,
gifts of all i have to offer.
to give a smile,
is sometimes all i have in me.
but i will give it freely anyway.
but no one pauses for me,
they just keep on walking.
taking with them,
fragments of me.
Nobody Sep 9
You show me your heart,
you hold me close;
you tell me your secrets,
you say you
love me the most.
You push me away,
you take back your gifts;
you spit in my face,
You have another fit.
You’re up and down,
you’re day and night.
You give me a smile,
then pick a fight.
You make me laugh,
you make me cry.
You make me angry,
you make me sigh.
You fill me up,
then throw me away.
You want me to go,
you want me to stay.
Let’s makes things easy,
and just go separate ways.
Starry Sep 7
One Monday morning
On the way to
Work
A young
Man
And
An older
Gentleman
Talk
The conversation
Would blossom
Into
Friendship
And the words exchange
Will impact the young man
Forever.
Maria Etre Sep 5
Mus *** bet hat
I have been l o.o king
at yo u different lythe
who le time
Read with breathers
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