Coke on my gums makes the whiskey go down like water
And so I feel nothing

I'll destroy myself alone so nothing can hold me back
So no one says "Enough."
I won't blame you for not saying something
I won't blame you for not "saving me"
How I can't be happy that you're happy

My ancestors are all angels up way too high and probably disappointed in what and who've I become
But still I don't care, they're all dead
Those lucky *****

Daylight breaks and the dawn has come
So I guess I've been up all night

These words are the very breath of my demons
And I haven't heard from an angel in ages
Through the eyes of the beast in me
I've become friends with the abyss
And it has politely invited me in

So another for the writer
Another bottle all by myself
To soak my soul
And drench any dream or hope of a happy life
I might have had left

Somewhere
Out there
A stillness
A darkness
Yet known
A nothingness
Awaits us
And it's better
That way

The purpose of life
Is that it ends
And people
Don't think
About death
Until they're
Forced to

We are all alone
In ways no one understands
We drown under
The waves of words
We aren't saying
Sometimes I can feel my bones
Straining under the weight
Of all the lives
Im not living

All we've got is
This precious knowledge
Of our own
Self destruction

You all have a little bit of
"I want to save the world", in you
I just want you to know
That it's okay if you only save one person
And it's okay if that person
Is you

Why are you here?
Things can change
Tomorrow could
Be different
You have your thing
That's not unattainable

Maybe your
Version is
The person you feel
You can open up to
Maybe it's a place
You know
You can be safe

But it's out there
And it's not
That far away

You are all the things
That are wrong with you
It's not the alcohol
Or the drugs
It's you, alright?
It's. You.

Nights of solitude, with just enough beer, and the science of laughing through the tears..
In the end I couldn't tell if we'd been so different from the beginning or if our indifference over time had simply made us so...
You know, Japanese culture has this ancient art called "Kintsukuroi" where broken pottery is repaired with gold or silver to demonstrate the understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken

The kids are going to do
What they want to do
They may have just ruined their lives
On an impulse decision
Whose to say what works ?
You find somebody you like
And you roll the dice
That's all anybody can do

This kindness?
I don't trust it
Like a purple sky
Before a storm
Beautiful; but
Do you realize
The birds are
Agitated and
The ants are
Marching in circles?

Only a
Sunny smile
Little it cost
In giving
Like morning light
Scattering
The night
And making the
Day worth living

I'm telling you
That it hurt
And you don't
Get to deny that

When a person
Tells you that
You hurt them
You don't get
To decide that
You didn't

Loss is
a collaborative art
Between the people
Who leave us
And those
who remain
We dance with
the shadows
Of their absence

Sing the beloved
Young lover, from far away
Often, desire the night
It overtakes us
In an endless uproar
We soon lost sight of the sun
Listen as it makes itself hollow
Where are the years between
You and the surging abyss
Lay there relieved with the sweetness
Of a gentle world made for you
Dreaming, flushed with what fevers
Entangled in the tendrils
Of inner event

The mind, divine
Through the vine
Of time
Tangled, entwined
In some
Grand design
Of marvelous form
And numberless prime
A nothingness enshrined

All the light
We cannot see
Lovely, dark,
Soundless and deep
Figures shift, restless
In the mist
A maskless mayhem
Patiently waits

Matches
Ashes
Acid on my casket
Buried with the hatchet
Of my fight with this life
I knew I could never hack it

We flew aloft
On mechanical wings
And suddenly the heavens
Were within reach
To those who could
Build the machines
That could take them there

I take drugs
To wake me
I take drugs
To sedate me
I even take drugs
To make me
Not hate me
All these drugs
Have me wondering
Lately what drugs
Ill need for
The things
That await me

When all
You have
Are memories,
Who will
Remember you?

Through the October night
Moonlight on metal
An evil companion to
My monster heart
And through the pain
I feel indifferent
I grapple with
The murdered words
I can never forget

We are not
The monsters
That we sometimes
See each other as

I don't need you
To understand me
I just need you
To believe that
I am having
A human
Experience

Just believe
I'm a person
And that I'm
Going through it

Because
It takes one
To know one

Nothing to prove
Or disprove
About yourself
Or to yourself

None of us
Have to
"Go to" anyone
And the idea
That we do is
A mental illness

We can't keep
Going to
Each other
Until we learn
To go to
Ourselves

Stop making
Our hatred of
Ourselves
Someone else's
Job

In a senseless
Explosion of
Sound, you are
Reduced to a
Crawling thing
On the margins of
A disintegrating
World with a
Lush numbness
And peace that
Lulls the mind
Making death
Seem so easy

I didn't get to tell you that I loved you before you died.
I stood right next to you, and I didn't say it.
By the deepest sleep, we were seperated.
You were just too far away.

You had a gorgeous mind.
I'd bombard you with questions all the time.
"How far does space go on for?'
You'd say it's endless.
"How many stars are there?"
You'd say they're infinite.

You also told me nothing lasts forever.
I still think you're wrong about that one.
I go back to that day every year and wish I had said something.
How thankful I was for everything you taught me.

Scientists agree with you by the way.
They say space is endless.
That stars number infinite.
If this holds true, then you were wrong about forever.
Totally wrong.
If this holds true, then if I look far enough into space odds are certain I will find a world just like ours.
And there you are alive and well
And I'm with you
And I won't stop with my questions
Over and over
Across the universe forever.

If this holds true, then I can tell you this knowing you are never too far away.

There are two kinds of people
Sharks and
sheep

Sharks are winners
They never look back
Because they have no necks

Necks are for sheep

My fondest memories are those of you
And listening to you sing
For moments could go unnoticed
While time drifted from the mind
You are nothing to regret
You are not a bad person
You are but only, a miracle in the making.
And soon you shall be a savior to those
Whom you used to be. They need you.

I had nothing
But time
I could see
The life of  
It in all its
Fleeting
Terrible light
Wondering
Had I lived?
Was I the
Object in
Another's story?
Was that all
I ever was?
Could I
Be more?

Nothing but
Time and still
No answer
I had glimpsed
Into the mind
Of eternity
Perhaps the
Mind of god
And found
Nothing but
Silence

I am stone
I do not move

I take my time
I let him come closer

I have only a single bullet
I aim for his eye

I hold my breath
My finger presses on the trigger
I do not tremble

I have no fear

I never called
You my cure
But I looked at
You everyday
Like you were
The only reason
I was still alive
And that's
Just not cool

In all my life
I have never dealt with anything
More difficult than my own soul
So what if I told you
That I'm incapable of
Tolerating my own heart

You should know that I often fall in love with girls I play board games with.
Really, it's nothing personal.
It's just that when I get competitive, sometimes I get romantic
Someone once told me that they can't love someone until they've witnessed their worst, and I think you should know that I'm not my worst self anymore.
Breaking down isn't realness.
So for all that self awareness..
I am more of a coward
than I am a king
And I will fill my time with more ordinary things
Because I can barely stand the way all these feelings within me sing

"Am I evil?"
Worse,
Youre smart
When you know
Nothing matters
The universe
Is yours
And I've never
Met a universe
That was
Into it

It grazes on
The ordinary
Creating infinite
Idiots just to
Eat them all

Put a saddle on
Your universe
Let it kick
Itself out
It'll never stop
Trying to throw you

And eventually
It will
There's no
Other way off

The first step is
Radical honesty
With ourselves

We don't intervene
We invade

That's not
"Collateral damage"
Those are
The corpses
Of children
And their parents

Ours is not defense
Ours is war

We fall into
Form fitting pieces
Of one another
Each other's own
Silent feeling

But it is all I want
To sleep still and
Dream unafraid
Aching deeply to
Drum thunder across
Vacant marble halls
Coalescing as the
Texture of the things
We all have
Trouble believing

Though it shows
Aimlessly we go
Out with lanterns
Looking for this thing
We call a soul

You should
Never say
"I love you"
If you don't
Mean it
But if you
Do mean it
You should
Say it often,
People forget

I write for you
Of you
Of this nearness to
A life
Our life
And what a perfectly stupid time we could have

Permafrost can go
As deep as
2 miles into
The earth
Way down there
Are these plants
Still alive and
Waiting to be
Discovered or
Thawed out

There's all this
Living stuff
Underneath us
Just waiting to bloom

Hours of childhood
Impatient, with nothing but
Playing by ourselves
Enchanted with
what alone endures

Between world and toy
A point which shows a child
Who they really are

Who sets in constellations
And puts distance
In his death

The problem with being happy
Is a lot like the problem with pluto
It was a vague way of
Describing a complex thing

Our sense of happiness is so fragile
It can be destroyed by simply asking whether or not it exists
Instead I'm busy
I'm interested
I'm fascinated

I want to build things
And then break them

I want to be busy and beautiful
And brimming with
Ten thousand moving parts
I want to hurt
So that I can heal

And that's okay

I don't pretend
To be anything
That I'm not

Except for
Sober

I've pretended to
Be sober
A few times

It's hard not to
Completely fall for someone
Whom, without effort
Brings out the absolute
Best in you

The most beautiful thing
About young love
Is the truth
In their hearts
That it will last forever

In romantic relationships
You speak Latin
And your empire falls

In platonic relationships
You speak Greek
And think about caves

A lot of you
Would agree
That this world 
Would be a
Better place
Without me

I don't disagree 
In fact, I've been
Wanting to leave
It behind
For as long
As I can remember

So this is
The part where
I'll never recover,
The part where
Life takes me down,
And the scene
That scars
Forever

Captivity in
Concrete tanks
Takes away everything
That makes life
Worth living
Everything they
Need to do
They can't do
And everything
They don't
Want to do
They're forced to do

They say three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead

Secrets could be simple, if they weren't the type worth being spread

You can bury secrets, I'm sure you're shocked to hear it's true.

But dont dream you'll finish digging, until they first have buried you.

Wayward in the depths
Soon the shark shall strike frame
Only then will we understand
How the thunder and rain
Could explain love and pain
In ways Shakespeare never could

Hoping only that
In the eye of every beholder
Is an artist who draws
Gentler conclusions
Than the ones we have about ourselves

I mean yeah
The ship is sinking
But the music
Is exceptional

This is happening
I am here
I am looking at her
And she is so beautiful

I open my mouth
And watch as his hand
Moves forward and puts
Some amount of acid
On to my tongue

I'll never know
How much acid
He put on my tongue

But I do know the look
On my friend's faces
Was the look that someone
Would have as they
Were watching
A person fall backwards
Into the Grand Canyon

There's no easy
Way of asking
I already know
What he's going
To say but
Maybe he just
Needs to say it
So I ask
Him anyway
"Are you scared?"

Only smiles
And a patience
I've never seen
In the face  
Of someone
Who knows
That they
Are dying

Sometimes our lives are made up of the same stories with the same beginnings and the same endings and things happen the same way almost every time.