Is it the age
Is it the days
Is it my pathetic self
Wishing for ways
Hit by a truck
Or lightening struck
Maybe a fire
Or choking on my last luck
Want to drive into a wall,
Fly off the mountains that I climb,
I want to see where the river ends.
Every breath I take
Is what’s killing me
And I end up wishing it
just **** me faster.
**** me faster ©️ 2021 Jana Pelzom
Sorry for the trigger.
To live like this, is to dance on glass and pretend you aren't bleeding.
To brood, and drink, and take drags of a cigarette until the pain that sits in your chest turns to numb tingles that dance across the skin instead of sitting in your organs.
To swirl the wine in your cup and try to ignore the fact you hate everyone here.
To stay awake every single night by yourself filing through the memories and hating yourself in every single one.
To stare in the mirror, and pinch at the fat, and trace the scars with your fingers, and mourn the person you were 10 years ago.
To forever ask yourself what the final act was that did your brain in -
until you accepted that origin stories are for superman, and you're absolutely not 'super' in any way.
To be the person who'll take any ounce of attention, and love they can get, no matter how poison the source.
To never turn down free drugs.
To forever feel like you've let yourself and everyone else around you down, just by existing.
This is to you.
To the blissfully unaware, lonely, child,
turned to an empty shell of an adult.
Who shuts out everyone, and everything they ever loved,
to live alone in their own head.
How do you live, how do you function
When all the feelings you always bottle
Are the main cause of pain, self-destruction?
Stop what you're doing, stop building castle,
You've tied yourself up, don't move a muscle,
Aren't you tired of your inner hassle?
Stop playing cool, please, stop your pretence,
Warm yourself up, and let the ice melt.
It's finally time to put down your defence.
Begin allowing yourself to feel,
Embrace sensations despite the fear,
And I promise you'll break free