Yea, it’s a long time coming, They'll say But that’s not how I feel. The gentle breeze against me I have to catch myself As I lean into it For comfort Pretending there’s someone there.
My cowardice has led me here Away from the light Once again To exist without making Myself vulnerable; Not even with myself I could be, Even if there were any places To cast and stare at my reflection, For it’s too dark to see.
The world is too big to push away So digging a hole Is a start, But somewhere out there I know you are And maybe when I climb out You’ll be waiting for me,
Or maybe not; Maybe in this life, I missed my shot.
before I step out into public, I lock my opinions in a safe that resides deep within the ridges of my brain. I wear a sweet smile to mask the dull pain radiating throughout my body.
but when I enter my safe space, I strip myself of that smile, and look my pain in the eye. I dig into the ridges of my brain to grab and unlock the safe. I welcome my vulnerability in all its undisguised nakedness.
My heart is open like a book Feelings flooding out into my bloodstream Hurt caught in my throat, makes me choke Strained eyes to hold back tears Skin so hot with pins and needles Will you ever understand?
It took three drinks just to get me here. You said it wasn’t enough, that it wasn’t clear. Four calls to your voicemail. I didn’t understand why, but I apologized. Two trips down memory lane And I don’t think it will ever be like that again. One moment of clarity But I can tell you’re forcing that smile.
I can’t bring myself to tell you what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m too afraid you’ll be angry. No one’s been able to look under the surface. It’s a mess like a circus, I thought it was my burden. I couldn’t look at you and hope that you would understand. That’s why I keep it close to the chest.
It took six drinks just to get us here. You said it wasn’t my fault, but it is my dear. Five hugs and a kiss for luck. I want to tell you more but my words are stuck. One date to make it up to you And I’m so sorry.
To be loved when its not convinient To be loved for the hand gestures made when i talk about the netflix show i just got into To be loved for the way i part my hair To be loved for making a joke with the waiter To be loved for taking the long route to get you a coffee To be loved for being vulnerable Oh to be loved for the smallest things and the big ones blindly.
am i deserving of love, to love and to be loved? my mind started to question back as if i have had enough. it is the pathological effect from my illness that makes me feel like my mind was playing trick.
my days consisted of hesitation, building me a wall between what i used to feel so heavily and what i push away to the point where it’s hurting me. being vulnerable sometimes isn’t right way to start it off but on the other hand, refusing to be vulnerable can be more of a tired pattern of pushing people away and hiding your emotion too. seeing the breaths of silence dancing on the screen that parts us, makes me wounded to the pain of being vulnerable.
time to feel it blowing through, i’m trying hard not to sabotage my happiness anymore.