For though my heart was forged with fire
It had become harder than ice
Yet your flame was so strong
And so stubborn at that
It melted every part of me
Over and over again...
The warrior I pretended to be
Melted in a pool of your love
As vulnerable as I became
to give you my heart
I beg you please
don't shatter it again
I knock on the door. It's jammed.
I wait outside as you try to open it, but your key's broken.
"It'll take a while," you say.
It's a beautiful day, so I wait outside. We talk through the wood, and you open a window so we can talk easier.
A cold wind starts to blow.
"It's cold," I say.
You pass me a jacket from inside, and I wear it. It's not so cold any more, and I'm alright. We keep talking, and you're figuring out a way to open the door.
I feel a drop on my nose. Oh my. Rain.
I ask if I can help. I can't. You take my bag through the window. I won't fit.
Maybe we can break the lock? Maybe we can break the door? Maybe a back door? No, none of those. Another drop on my cheek. Oh my. Rain.
The truth is, if you wanted to let me in you would. You'd figure it out and I'd be inside, warm, with you.
The truth is, it's raining. And I don't think I should be risking penumonia.
The truth is, you have my bag, and everything in it.
The truth is, if you don't let me in, I'll be forced to leave.
And the truth is, I don't want to.
"one day i'm going to break down those walls of yours"
that used to sound comforting. that you would save me from myself. allow me to be vulnerable and be safe.
but now that sounds like a threat. you're going to crack me and watch me crumble. you'll pull out my guts and hold them in your hands. you'll have power over me now, and i'll be vulnerable. you know i'm scared of that.
i'm coming Home
& i know it's wrong,
but all i can think,
"will i run into you?"
our Love is unrequited,
& always will be.
you can't accept my God,
& i can't accept your gender,
or lack of one? i don't know.
i'm coming Home
& i will drive
through the hollers & the hills
of E.Ky, if only for the hope
of seeing you, even briefly.
i still recall the many nights
sharing music notes & secret dreams,
yearning to feel each other, to share
the same breath & the same mattress.
i'm coming Home
& i know i won't contact you,
but my only wish is that you
would read this & come find me.
please find me.
You know, I'm never sadder than those moments I realize how much I miss you.
And at first those moments came frequently and without delay but the pain they brought was simple. Dull; an ache.
But how as time crept slowly, the moments so frequent would come intermittently when I was most vulnerable.
But that dull ache was replaced with a deeper longing and a pain I couldn't shake. And it would stay with me for days and haunt my fevered sleep with memories I just wished would go away.
But I fear if they were to stop, I would lose all sense of self.
I already write so sparingly.
So please, just spare me the impertinence of soliloquy, that indecent exposé.
There's just so much water.
Blinding to the eye, torturous to the skin.
I fear this is it.
I can feel my laboured breaths mimicking my beating heart.
Time has no importance.
I can sense my eyesight blurring, my body giving way.
Allowing the water to take full control.
I realize that this was inevitable but is still yet delayed.
The water envelopes my body.
Nothing can be kept sheltered, hidden as I've let myself get to this.
My vulnerability becoming me.
Had a dream about a one-legged spider last night.
Was it me? Wallowing in my own pity. I feel like a fool, helpless.
My only protection is the night, and I've apparently gotten caught in my own web. If you wanted me in my most vulnerable state, here I stand.