These are the things I remember
The times of fear
The trembling of my hands
The streams of tears
These are the things I remember
The times of hatred
The fire burning
Yet I hid it
That's what I remember
Do you remember?
I don't believe you
The hugs you gave
That drove me insane
You said it was fine
You never asked me
You asked yourself
Is it okay?
That's not what I said
I hope I left a stain
I recall all that
The times when you raised the hand
I don't recall if I felt it
The time I stared at the number on the screen
I took to long
The door opened and you were there
I never made that call
That day is when my Fear burned bright
My instincts told me to run
I was frozen
Had I run
What would you have done?
Raised your voice or your hand
Or something else
I hope I'll never know
I want to know
Are my fears justified
I can only know if I break out of my silence
Silence that screams
Forgetting is what I've done so far
Forget the times
I forget the times that would lessen my fear
Do those times even exist
I don't know
I don't care
I have to break free
A cage I've built for protection
You used it against me
To keep me where you want me
Silence is screaming
All the times
I curled up
I don't want to feel that way
Yet here I am
Staying put in fear
I can't speak
Caught up in my own words
That you will never hear
I don't care
I Don't know how to Apologize
But when I look into your eyes
I was telling lies
Ignored the truth
Just to feed my own ego
Until It outgrew
My deepest emotions for you
Feeling feeble and non verbal
Scared to look vulnerable
Hear I go
As I muster up the courage to say
I am sorry
She's there again.
I color my insides green with jealousy.
My outside is fairytale pink.
Watch my recklessness.
See my body, naked.
Laugh at my jokes.
Peek at my past.
But god forbid,
you look into my eyes.
For my recklessness is always calculated,
For my body is not my vulnerability,
For my jokes are merely masks,
For my past is my present,
please, look into my eyes.
Your eyes have seen all my demons
Your heart peeked at my soul
You even had tea with my skeletons
You picked up my pieces and made me whole
So why is there still something hallow
Entangled in the midst of my chest
Why are there horrid thoughts lurking,
These lingering demons leaving me stressed.
I wear my scars on my skin,
You tell me they make me strong,
I hesitantly take off my masks,
And wait for you to figure out you're wrong
I stand there waiting,
Doubts thundering in my brain
Slowly the lies diminish
My secrets wash away in the rain
Now there's just me and you
Though some of my demons linger too
And tonight I'm completely
Tonight I'll be completely
Tonight I'll open up my heart,
Just for you
Honestly, this dishonesty is hard to keep up
It's easier said than done
"I'd rather be with you than on my own"
He doesn't say it out loud
I'm not sure his heart even knows
He's blinded by the attention
He wants to feel the love
Do us all a favor kid,
Be vulnerable for once
Let the pain change you
See how it feels to be alone
the circus train comes to town once a year,
carrying Russian ballerinas & corporate America dropouts.
she brings an irresistible bouquet of
caramel apples & greasepaint, of
cotton candy & mechanical smoke.
the circus is a seductive beast, she'll grab your heart
between her teeth & she won't let go, like a
when the show begins on opening night,
you'll be sure to grab a front row seat, right in the
Grand Stand, among the soccer moms & their sticky-faced toddlers.
you'll feel the childish delight bubble
in your chest when the music swells, when the elephants march
& the clowns tumble out in garish colors.
after the show, you'll stumble to the three rings with the
toddlers & their tired moms, right to the center ring, don't be
shy when the clown dressed in yellow & black,
like a bumblebee, comes towards you, a devilish grin on
his painted coal black lips.
your knees will tremble, you'll turn as red as his big nose, when he pulls your back to his solid chest, & he begins to juggle right in front of you.
"stick around, after closing" he murmurs in your ear, "that's when the real circus begins."
the circus is painted bright, a swirling mass of
red & blue, with sparks of yellow, ribbons of pink.
even when the show is over, the mystery is still
there, the sweet seduction lingers, like an old lover's fingers can trace circles on your skin in the dead of night.
when the bumblebee clown drags you around town that night,
as if he lives there & not you, you'll go along with him,
your heart racing fast, as fast as the girl dressed in
pink spandex flew from the cannon across the circus ceiling,
how could you have forgotten that?
he'll take you to McDonald's, ask you to pay for the meal, he's broke until Thursday at 2. of course. you split a small
fry and a chocolate shake, by then it's midnight,
he performs some simple magic tricks, balancing a
chair on the edge of his chin, snagging a shining quarter
from your brunette curls, watch out, girl, he's reeling you in,
he's as seductive as the circus.
he will walk you back to your college dorm &
he's sure to mention how it's been years since he has
been inside a dormitory, since clown college, yes it's real.
your roommate is gone & you're not ready to say goodbye
just yet, so you'll sign him in & guide him to your third floor
he marvels at your textbooks & cuddles your teddy bear
brought from home, while you drink him in, solid, squat,
a true Texican, his skin is brown as caramel, & you wander
if he will taste just as sweet. he'll notice your blush, & pull
you close, pinch your hips, nuzzle your neck & kiss you hard,
maybe a bit too hard.
he lays you on your back, & you're naked, you're scared,
vulnerable, you watch him dip his head & kiss you, nibble you in that sweet, sweet forbidden spot. there's a black coal
in your chest, in the pit of your stomach, you're disgusted,
you're curious, you taste the circus firsthand, gagging.
the circus will remain in town for
an entire week, & for an entire week you have a
circus clown as a boyfriend.
you take him on adventures around your college campus,
to your favorite burger spot, to the big water balloon fight
& he'll show you the circus world, you'll hug
an elephant, you'll drink your first beer in Clown Alley,
& you'll watch the show a dozen times.
he'll write you a love letter on your skin, caramel drips on
China porcelain, he'll leave bruises in the shapes of hearts,
& you'll cry when he leaves, it's only been a week, but
it's been a lifetime. he'll hold you tight, too tight, and he'll whisper,
"it's only a year, i'll see you in a year."
when the circus train leaves, the asphalt lot will be
conspicuously empty, except for a trampled clown nose,
much like your aching heart. you'll feel numb & blue,
you'll cling to your phone, the clown promised you
he would call.
you fall asleep cradling your phone to your chest, startle awake when he finally calls you, it's 4 in the morning, you have an early class, but that can wait, his voice is on the other line.
you'll lose a lot more than sleep when you fall in love
with a circus clown, you have to conform to his schedule,
you see, he is the one calling the shots, not you, not we.
you'll start to slip up in your classes, all you do is stare at your phone screen, who cares about supply vs. demand, anyway?
you hitch a ride to see the clown half a year later, you could
hardly stand him being an hour away, & you'll fly into his arms
like a trapeze artist, after the show, he'll carry you like a bride
to his coffin
bed & you're naked again, scared, vulnerable, he's all the way
he's grunting and sweating, and you're cowering, numb.
you leave 15 minutes later, with shaky thighs, you're slightly
nauseated, you try to kiss him goodbye, but he pushes you away,
he's got eyes on the concession stand girl, the one with
raven black hair and a Marilyn Monroe piercing. your heart drops as you get into the car, your friend begs you to talk, but you can't,
you're confused, you're scared, you won't see the clown
for some time to come.
you try to focus on your schoolwork, but your As slip to Ds, you
try to go out with your friends, but they want to talk about
the cute guy in psychology, not about a circus clown miles away.
you forgot to do laundry, all you do is lay in bed, your dorm is
smelling moldy, your roommate starts to stay away. you're
falling, sinking into a blue sea, deep, dark, endless.
when you fall in love with a circus clown, you must know
you're just another Rube from another city, nothing special,
you see, he's got girlfriends in Florida and Las Vegas, that
concession stand girl, too, you're nothing special, girl,
not even close. you gave it all up, your love & your
bleeding heart, to a circus clown, you foolish girl, don't
you know, he'll just play you as hard as he plays in the
For though my heart was forged with fire
It had become harder than ice
Yet your flame was so strong
And so stubborn at that
It melted every part of me
Over and over again...
The warrior I pretended to be
Melted in a pool of your love
As vulnerable as I became
to give you my heart
I beg you please
don't shatter it again
I knock on the door. It's jammed.
I wait outside as you try to open it, but your key's broken.
"It'll take a while," you say.
It's a beautiful day, so I wait outside. We talk through the wood, and you open a window so we can talk easier.
A cold wind starts to blow.
"It's cold," I say.
You pass me a jacket from inside, and I wear it. It's not so cold any more, and I'm alright. We keep talking, and you're figuring out a way to open the door.
I feel a drop on my nose. Oh my. Rain.
I ask if I can help. I can't. You take my bag through the window. I won't fit.
Maybe we can break the lock? Maybe we can break the door? Maybe a back door? No, none of those. Another drop on my cheek. Oh my. Rain.
The truth is, if you wanted to let me in you would. You'd figure it out and I'd be inside, warm, with you.
The truth is, it's raining. And I don't think I should be risking penumonia.
The truth is, you have my bag, and everything in it.
The truth is, if you don't let me in, I'll be forced to leave.
And the truth is, I don't want to.