I desperately want us to be the same person
I desperately love to cling
To every common
And claim it
For the both of us
It’s like having a twin, who’s existence makes other people uncomfortable
Like before I was born, only I was in the ultrasound
And no one was prepared for her when she followed me into the world
It’s like having a shadow that does not just stretch out behind me
But instead she has attached herself to my back,
It’s like she has hooked her fingers over the edges of my ribcage
Her head is resting on the start of my spine
Her heels are digging into my thighs
People ask why I let her hang around
As if I have a choice
It’s like everyone is waiting for me to admit that I want her
It’s like they are all expecting me to secretly bend so she can climb on
They think I like it when I want to laugh but hers is what they hear
They think I choose the days when she is with me, telling me the words to say
They think that when I wake up, she is something I put on
Like a favourite t-shirt or a sad song
She is with me when I wake up
She is with me when I sleep
She is with me when I take my clothes off
She is like a second skin that I can’t shed
Don’t ask me to leave her behind
Because it is not my decision
I cannot control her hold on me
It is her who is pulling the strings
It’s like having a side of me that no one wants to know
As if they don’t already know her
She is me when I can’t help being down
She is me when I can hardly whisper a sound
She is me when I laugh the hardest
She is me when I am missed
She is me no matter your belief
And maybe one day she will walk away
But until then,
She is me.
A second without her feels like an eternity in Heaven
a miser of my emotional states
and an unweanable
unwilling to partake in city
I quake no single acquaintance
and murmur no note upon any group
i have made some pacts
to recover into view
so i might impress as a fellow being
i have begun a series of self applied techniques
that ought mimic
and form an impression at you
I cling to the little moments. The little interactions.
Like the time you told me you liked the color of my shoes.
Like the time you told me if you could go anywhere, you'd go to the Colorado mountains.
Like the time you brushed your hand across my shoulder as you passed.
Am I reading into the little moments? Little scatters of time sprinkled on the canvas. The shades of reds, blues, and yellows.
I barely know you. But I cling to the moments. Because darling, I would love nothing more to get acquainted with your heart.
In such strange ways I strangely cannot understand
The horror of it all is we stay attracted to everything that hurts
We cling to it and never really learn to let go
So perhaps we do want happiness
But we also desire to keep the pain close; close enough to destroy us
Close enough to define us
Close enough to make us all feel a little less cold
Fervorous rain did
Clothe land with thick water sheets;
Clinging and stifling.
This world delights you,
but you may not love him.
For when he leave
the truth cling to you.
And lead you
to do things
and thunder from
the ******'s womb
might not linger
so that he stays.
I always had a sense of entitlement
when it came to dreaming of a lover.
That there would be someone
who puts me first.
But I realized with time
sometimes you have to be that someone
who puts others first.
That was such a terrifying and distressing thought.
And suddenly all these heroes
became somewhat out-of-the-world, larger-than-life
someone I can never be.
To realize the pain
it must have taken
to scrap down their lives
for the sake of a person
whose love can’t be trusted or guaranteed.
How one must endure their own foolishness.
How one must look away from our own self.
Knowing all the while
that all this, built
can be broken in no time
with one word of hers,
that can end your suffering
and renew your struggle.
That there is no way out.
or to leave.
And to suffer each minute
no matter what you choose.
It seemed so tiring
It seemed so cruel
to ask someone for that.
There are sorrows too shallow to be indulged in,
too gray to strike anyone’s eye.
There are sorrows that are only mine,
That hum in my ears
as I struggle to sleep.
These are the sorrows that define our life.
and destroy our peace.
Sorrow born out of dreams that
never became reality.
Sorrow that we cling to
to remember we can dream.