Dark clouds collect overhead
You are as hidden as the sun
As far from me as the moon
Joined life we knew is done

It has been storming since we parted ways
Raindrops falling all the time
Friends tell me to keep my chin up
Starting to think the sun lost its shine

I am tired of this poor weather
Heart colder than winter snow
Drafts slipping through the front door
Sneaking in the crack below

I look towards the sky for freedom
Releif from this torrential curse
Although buckets of water dump from above
Only your kiss can quench my thirst

You and I in darkness
Eyes closed to deny what we feel
Wearing only child-like frustration
You ask if the love supplied is real

But I did not know how to reply
Some emotions are lying unsure
I am doing my best to tell you Why your tight smile is the one I prefer

Through beauty lines I see your soul
Friendly yet cautiously hidden
Feelings built a hard demeanor
Blocked the world, anger-ridden

I witnessed your ugly side
Know how to prepare for and expect
What your hands are capable of
Same tools drawing blood protect

Pretending I feel the way I did
In bed alongside your tired mind
Don't want to break your heart, I'm scared,
You are such a lovely waste of time

I am afraid I'll be sad forever
Nothing brings out a smile
When I am down I often forget
It is only for a while
I am scared I'll never be fixed
My broken heart will never mend
When it's aching it feels like
Pain might not ever come to an end
I fear my instability
Urges to make a deep incision
Temporary emotions pushing me
Towards a permanent decision

This clearly is not working
Why do we still try?
Only make things harder for you
Seeing that makes me cry

We are no longer right for eachother
Never can we agree
I cannot accept the fact
We are not meant to be

I do not know why I can't let go
Hands impossible to persuade
Maybe it is not you I'm attached to
But the memories made

The best moments of my life
You were by my side
It seems like whatever we had back then
Somewhere and somehow died

Now there is not a day that goes by
Without an explosive fight with you
Nothing I do is enough to make
You show your love like I want you to

I do not blame you for hating me
In fact I hate me twice as much
I am just mad that you lie to me
Saying you enjoy my touch

We drive eachother bonkers
Put ourselves through endless hell
Still we remain together
Why I cannot tell

Lose my judgement around you
Make the poorest decisions
My heart is chained to yours
Love has me imprisoned

I am so ******* crazy
Because I care more than I should
I have explained a billion times
Still am misunderstood

You always ask me why I'm sad
Answering that is tough
For some reason "everything"
Is not good enough

Persistently at eachothers throats
Take turns being upset
Trust issues wedged in between
Hurt by the **** we can't forget

I do not mean to degrade you
With poisoned words I say
I take anger out on
Anything in my way

I'm not sure how to let you know
How magnificent you really are
I would carve your name into my heart if you
Had not of already left that scar

Not one thing I am able to give
Is deemed worthy of your praise
You deserve a person who is happy
Not part of the time-but always

You seem so relaxed around others
No distress weighing you down
So many eggshells in my proximity
You do not walk on them-you drown

Has it ever occurred to you
That is what I hate the most?
The expression of fear worn when I lunge
Towards you like you've seen a ghost

It kills me knowing I'm responsible
For reluctance in your kiss
I bring bruises and blood to your world
When all I want to bestow is bliss

It isn't that you do me wrong
Failing to convey your devotion
I simply need support when I lose myself
To overwhelming emotion

You tolerate more than you should have to
I apologize if I've made things worse
By now should have learned my presence
Is not a blessing but a curse

I am not familiar with the strangers
That more and more these days I see
I miss back when we didn't try
When loving eachother was just..
..Easy

All that's left are empty pages
Words I can't bring myself to write
Stuck in a pit of self-loathing
Telling everyone that I'm alright

I roam empty hallways alone
Scared things will never be the same
Wish I could take everything that once was
Set all the memories up in flame

I am free-falling into nothing
Disappearing into thin air
Cannot exist without you
You remain okay and unaware

Although you cannot see it I'm bleeding
From wounds you opened within
The purest form of sadness escapes
Seeping ike the melody of a violin

Though you are the cause of my pain
Know you didn't do anything wrong
Have only myself to blame
Believing you could stand me for long

Clearly I was foolish and naive
Thinking you loved the things I do
Even though I'm hurting now
I will never regret being with you

Do you understand the immense love I have for you?
I must fight my feelings each day
Oh how I'd share your suffering if I could
Take it from you if there was a way

I just do not know if you get it
Wish I could explain better
Finding it hard to capture the expanse of my emotions
With punctuation marks and letters

I cannot love you a little
Don't hold the ability to shrink my heart
More desire fills beds each passing night
Increasing with the number of miles apart

I am standing here in front of you
Yet somehow one step behind
Maybe I did not really catch up
Though eyes are no longer blind

Now that I am gifted with sight
Burdened by what I see
Small details I never noticed in the past
Leap out at all angles screaming at me

How I wish for my eyeballs to be extracted
Each shifting day they cause more pain
Was I happier living in darkness?
Found that light shed only burns my brain

If I had known the accuracy of the phrase
"Ignorance is bliss"
I would not have worked to find the truth
Would have never wished for this

I've been told the truth will set you free
Sometimes it also weighs you down
Sets the wings given on fire
Or tears them off so you crash to the ground

All I asked for was to know you
Who you truly are
I will love you deeply until the day
You forget each tear and scar

You only have shown me fragments before
Now I understand why you concealed the rest
You may have a lot of broken parts
But to me you'll forever be the best

You are the only boy I've ever
Loved with all of my heart
I feel the same way even
Though you would rather be apart

Nothing will replace memories
We made or nights we stayed awake
Truthfully
I will never view
Our relationship as a mistake

I guess one thing I can say for you
Is you left me with no regret
How could I ever be remorseful
For what I thought I'd never get?

For us I will do anything I am able
To get to a place where our relationship is stable
Back to chapter two
Three
Or maybe onto the next
Should write new stories but I'm rereading past text
To me seems like our happiest days are gone
I love you so much I keep holding on
Because I cannot comprehend a book without your name
No matter which way it's written the antagonist is the same
I can change the storyline a bit
But not the plot because you're always it
Goal after goal I never quite achieve
Surely it would be better for you if I'd leave
We are aware we must work tirelessly to improve
Where do I put the bad habits and flaws once removed?
Maybe we are a vast distance from where
We were then
At least we're together somewhere
Have eachother at least
Not alone in the struggle
Life can be awful but much less when we snuggle
In your arms find strength replenished when weak
Supplying hope and comfort
With soothing words you speak
Hopeful dreams disappear when despair does not depart
Try to repair damage
You continue destroying my heart

I wonder what you're doing
Dwelling does not change how I feel
It becomes extremely hard controlling
Painful thoughts that won't let me heal

Time is supposed to mend wounds
I fear it's making them worse
My overwhelming desire for you
Has become the sweetest curse

I wish for a pleasanter plague to punish
Then we wouldn't be connected
Been watching in silent observation
To see if I end up rejected

Tonight
You are lying in bed
Happy
Be free of dark thoughts
Do not be pulled by negative energy
Memory you all but forgot

Why do I coldly imagine what's on your mind?
Sit and find no conclusion
What you don't know is your image invades my brain
Cannot tell if I love or hate the intrusion

I am kept awake until dawn arrives
Close to clawing out these open eyes
Near to dreams
Far from sleep
Further from the relief I seek

Every night feel taunted
The empty walls of my room
Space beside me sneers silently
Sunrise is coming soon

Sprawled in an asymmetric shape
Restlessly flipping pillows
In bed screaming
Into fistfuls of blankets
Drowning in sheets that billow

"You lost him!"
Written everywhere
Each and every item you touched
It's agonizing how I'm forced to see reminders
As if I did not already miss you too much

I lay trust in your consuming arms
Tears fall
You have broken my heart once again
I hear another empty apology
Bury it in this teeming cemetery of promises dead

A thousand aging tombstones
In marble we carved regrets
Your name occupies my mind
Can't remove it or forget

Release me from chains of grief
Know you carry your own
You know it is not easy
Say that you've been alone

I cannot believe your dead blank eyes
Your desperate but familiar voice
I may have decided to allow you inside
Loving you was not my choice

It is not your fault
Heart is broken by my own
High expectations

My heart is made of delicate glass
Understand that it breaks easily
The tiniest obstacles in my path
Freeze my heartbeat temporarily

Other times it feels as if
It has not yet pumped blood at all
Like red waves building up dammed in
Cannot push through my scarred heart's wall

Sometimes it is so full it bursts
Overflowing love right out of my chest
But that bliss also means when it bleeds it hurts
Great joy comes with proportionate unhappiness

Why are you still playing games?
We are a bit old for that now
Is it possible you're still the same?
I would fix you but I don't know How

Crazy how we were once young
Thought the thrill would last forever
Dwelling on past moments and songs we sung
Not understanding why we aren't together

I feel you bend the rules
Every time I catch your tricks
You make of me a fool
Doing it just for kicks

Maybe there's a good reason
For your net of make-believe
Wondering if you get the severity of your treason
You sure don't understand what it means to grieve

You process sadness like a child
Do not say you want to die
Parts of our personalities have been defiled
But not those we try to deny

You are capable of playing fair
If you did I'd participate
Choose to keep cheating and see how you fare
Pretty sure you're aware of your fate

You had almost won not just the round
But the whole ******* game
Right before the victor was crowned
You were forced to resign with shame

Smash my heart
I smash yours
Break trust
I break yours too
Used up every ounce of my strength
I am the one using you

Nothing to you
Pieces far scattered
Hurt with words and the wounds open up
Ways I pushed you away run through my mind
The space you left feels as bare as an empty cup

Those photographs taken together
Others snapped by friends we know
Add up to over a hundred
Five years is awfully hard to let go

Hold your head straight
Not tilted down
Keep focused
Push through the pain
Freedom is only a week of hell away from you
Do you find pleasure in the problem?
Comfort in the chain?

Back when I was your girl
Eyes blinded by your charm
I allowed you to lie for so long
So hopelessly in love with you
My heart convinced you could do no wrong

I think it is safe to say
That although you broke my heart first
I left yours broken after
Between both of our misfortunate souls
You had it the worst

I am asleep on the couch

Everything around me could collapse and I wouldn’t have a clue

It’s all roses and sunshine inside my weary head

Dreams are not honest and I don’t wish them to be

I am ready to wake up

Will you be my husband?
Be the handsome groom?
Can we walk the aisle right now?
Not someday “soon”?
Will you marry me today?
Make me a happy wife?
Promise me your lips to always kiss
Every day for the rest of your life?
It is a nice day for a proposal
Come on what do you say?
PSYCHE!!! I’m just joking
Happy April Fools Day!

I think of past moments and how different I’ve become
Thinking of all that made me numb
I want you just like I did back then
Wherever you may be my arms are open
If it makes a difference to you
I’d just like to say I still love you too
I wish the world had not of come between
But good came from it; one of us got clean
I am not a sinner nor am I a saint
A falsified portrait I will not paint
You will see how much I’ve changed and grown
Pages of this life I own
I slip right through these paper years
As my innocence all but disappears

I, Amanda Kay Burke, on this day (April 5th, 2019), declare myself to all of you.

I declare no belief in what we refer to as "God."

I don't own enough luck to find four-leaf clovers.

I love those rare moments in time when bliss lays its roots so deep in my mind I become one of those people who cannot stop smiling.

Waking in time to catch the sunrise.

I love catching frogs too.
Yet I suspect I enjoy releasing them even more.

I love watching the rain crash down from above
Like tears from aliens we'll never encounter
On a distant moon in my skull
Or some astrophysical realm I saw in a dream.

I love bleeding
It reminds me I am actually still a breathing human being
I hate the pain as much as any undomesticated animal does though

I love sweets.
Maybe because I am sour like vinegar.
How I long to instead be cake, honey, or even peach-like in nature.
I want to be caramel melting into buttery rich folds
For a day or perhaps two at most.

I love surprises.

I declare I love showers.
They make me feel okay.i

I love my family.
I love my friends.

I love being the reason someone laughs

Love the freckle on the end of my nose.

The shape of my fingernails.

I love that my limbs all work the way they were designed.
That I have ten fingers, two eyes, and one heart.

I love that I only have the best intentions.
It makes up for the ideas I try that fail.

I declare I hate running
Or any exercise really..

I shrug off those who believe they know me when they don't.

Not a fan of classical music

Or boys who treat love like a joke.

I despise the white shreds of paper leftover when you rip pages out of a notebook.

I hate cigarettes, but you can vape around me.

I hate my completely pathetic lack of willpower.

I hate how the most trivial things make me angry.

I declare my hatred towards rising stress.

Hate how I cry over geometry.

I hate my nose, teeth, and thighs.

In each and every last form
I hate all types of goodbyes.

I hate my voice when I complain a tad too much.

How unathletic and clumsy I am.

I hate how I can keep everyone else's secrets
Not my own

When I can't grasp concepts the rest of the room understands.

I declare I'm quite surprised to learn
Not all creatures are as shallow as I presume.

I was not expecting my junior year to be like this.
People I grew up with aren't there anymore.

I'm frightened I'll be torn apart by society.

I am terrified by spiders
But I think their webs are beautiful.

I love food
But hate how it makes me feel.

I'm unsure of where life will take me
I have a feeling that's part of the deal.

I declare sometimes I am a hypocrite.
A good actress but a ****** liar.

Wear my heart on my sleeve.

To be perfectly honest
When it comes to sad films
I'm a big emotional cried.

I am human.
I have plenty of flaws.
The worst at moving on and letting go.

Every ordeal I've been through on this Earth had made me strong.

If there's one thing life has taught me
It is to take it day by day and go with the flow.

I get in a strange state of mind sometimes
Felt this misery before
It is back to disrupt my life
Tend to stand aside, not much more.

It will show what a worthless weakling I am
Leaves me asking why I'm here
Plead and cry for cooperation
Detached and losing those I hold dear.

This sick fixation warps me
Health suffering consequences
Any asset absent was robbed or wrecked
Drugs crushed every last one of my defenses.

Going crazy to find relief
Addiction pulls miles of nerves
It was my own ill judgement that led me here
In a way what I deserve.

I found comfort in orange-capped needles
Counting down points til zero in the box
Began to lose my personality
My old self misplaced or sold; I forgot.

I am not stupid, at least I wasn't before,
Honestly, I promise, it is the drugs.
Think their tendrils reach my brain to the core
Shoo them then later feel in my skull a tug.

I know what I have to do
Problem is, it's hard,
Don't know why I can't pull free
The reason addicts are how they are.

I am afraid I'll forever be a slave
Too far gone to break empty routines
Knew at the start but thought there was a way around
The loopholeless addiction gene.

I am so glad you were born
So happy you're alive
Today is the day
You turn twenty-five!

This is not refusal of happiness
A desperate plea for attention
It is a manifest of emotion
Not some imaginary invention

There is a madness populating my head
Billions of shouting ugly voices
Every one an echo of my own
Spelling my lack of choices

Lately hopeless feelings have grown
A desolate cold orchard
Blossomed a place I belong
I'm welcome but also tortured

I have laid down my roots in quicksand
I'll be withered by afternoon
A pile of wilted petals
Unless I am picked by someone soon

Welcome
To the hell
I have made here

If you care
About me
You will just

Disappear