Somehow I found my way back to you
I guess I knew I would one day
But despite all the time I spent missing us
I'm finding it harder to stay
I got everything I wanted for so long
What I wished for the very most
I finally have you in my arms
So why do I never hold you close?
Lately I haven't been able to give
All the love you deserve though I try to
Despite this I truly believe we are soulmates
Because since we've met it's always been you

I am not waiting for you to suddenly change
Be all the things you said
The only thing I am waiting for
Is you to get out of my head

Your quiet words are comfort
Your smile is a key
To the things inside the center of my heart
To the deepest parts of me

Believe me I am grateful for
Your uncertain yet blissful company
Love the way you talk and feel
How you listen, think, touch and see

I want to kiss by a lamppost
Under stars and in the rain
Want to kiss you everywhere
Sorry if that sounds insane

Your soul meets mine and something stirs
Awakening feelings never before had
This breathlessness is a welcome change
Either I'm in love or I've gone mad

We loved with careless enthusiasm
Your touch cooled my burning chest
Out of melancholic monotony
Embraced flaws and silent distress

Warm skin the ultimate compliment
Formless bodies seeking relief
Yet the mind mine was so connected to
Overflows my thoughts with grief

And I see the mess I've made of us
Cry because I know it's my fault
Pouring darkness into your body
Leading you into assault

One moment you were everything
Couldn't stop love I felt
Next found myself wanting space
With time passion began to melt

The feelings I relished dwindled with grace
Rehearsing lines of the part I'm trying to be
All that's left is only a trace
Of the magic once fueling our love story

I numb pain by getting high
Bounce from drug to drug
Wish I was stronger than I am
Want to get clean and be done

I keep hoping motivation will blossom
Positive train of thought
Guess temptation is more seductive
Giving it all I've got

My skin senses familiar stinging
Night comes; I succumb
I tumble down the rabbit hole
The place my conscience is dumbed

My hands move of their own accord
Hope I soon gain control
My cold heart is seeking comfort
From the agony hindering me from being whole

I do not know any other way
To stifle the ache of being alive
Than consuming toxic substances
The irony of methods I use to survive

So near to dying completely inside
Want to unnumb emotions
Remembering how I'd always complain about the flood
Now I wish for those sensitive oceans

I have nothing to live for now
Life feels pointless and has no meaning since we parted
And I have to wonder...
Did the sun stop shining for you as well?

Colors do not appear as bright as usual
Food I used to love doesn't taste the same
Every single song I listen to has transformed into the saddest ballad ever composed
Even the tight ball of worry has shifted position in my stomach
The hoodie you got me for Christmas burns my lonely skin with longing...
I wear it anyway

Without you the world just isn't quite right
Like the whole planet has tilted a few degrees on it's axis
To compensate for the gravity of our separation

Every hour looks the same as before
They really aren't
Their steady pace remains the same and they take the same route they always do but they are anything but unchanged
Because they feel so much heavier now
So wrong

I stumble from one interaction to the next
Saying my words
Smiling my smile
Directing my limbs
Being the person I was

Yet, I am not her anymore
My life is still my life
My friends are still my friends
My heart is still mine in my chest
My teardrops still fall from my eyes
My feelings are still the mess they've been for years
Yet, it isn't my life anymore

I wake up and apply mascara to a stranger's face
Put socks on a strangers feet
Brush a stranger's teeth
Answer to a stranger's name
Because the girl everyone knows is gone and all that's left is this routine perfected by the walking corpse she left behind

Maybe it isn't the world that is irrevocably altered
Maybe what has broken isn't the shade of the morning sky or the smell of cedar shavings or the sound of pouring rain splashing against puddles
Maybe nothing is actually different at all

Except me

Why couldn't you be honest from the start?
You and your addiction
Uncertainty about everything
The main source of our friction

Going from one crazy accusation to another
Thinking at least one must be correct
Being unsure of own reason and judgement
Makes it hard winning an argument

We are as humans imperfect
Expectations flying high
Fingers losing touch with reality
Unsure of where, when, and why

You see me, all I truly am
Being unsure of who you are is no fun
Be yourself, whoever that may be
Sure it is who you want to become

Grab the second chance offered
Take a second to look
If you want improvement then make some
Be led down the old path you took

Push yourself past triggers
I keep pace with you as best as I can
What the **** is wrong with me?
Death stalking with an unsure plan

It is not the reaper behind me
It is only my own shadow
Pain and paranoia pull then push
Health declining as their strength grows

How have I ended up just like you?
Search for answers you don't have
We can't heal until we do
We keep trying the best we can

My self-esteem I ripped out of this body long ago
Self-respect not long after that
I traded both for a phony veil of joy
To stop feeling the pain of the place I was at

It never outlasted the strength of the ache
Now I own meager scraps and not much else
A heart in disrepair, aura colored black, muted spirit,
Hands sore and ****** from punishing myself

A hole or two would be just fine
But in my chest something's gone dark
A great persistence possesses me to poke
Until my hurt arms are covered in marks

All the way throughout my scarred skeleton
Sorrows lay scattered, sadness strewn about
They invited insecurities in to stay
Now not a single one will get out

Organs uncomfortably crowded by
Irrational fears, worries, and questions
Anxiety multiplies with a million other things
I would really rather not mention

The few shreds of confidence I had
Finally got fed up and fled
Leaving only doubt and shame
Plus negative thoughts echoing in my head

I used to harbor peace inside my marrow
All I feel there now is hurt
Carefree shrugs and smiles departed
Took refuge somewhere buried under dirt

There is not a lot here remaining
Of the person I was before
Better qualities packed up
And exited out the nearest door

These days I'm made of stubborn self-hatred,
Cloudy skin, empty eyes, lifeless hair, no beauty,
Addiction replaced the brightness of my soul with broken bulbs,
Yeah, there's not much here left of me

To naively trust your playful smile
Is throwing all sense up in the air
Should be more wary of strangers
Of the danger I am aware

No reason not to trust your hand
Yet no reason why I should
Don't even know each other
This can't lead anywhere good

I am trying not to blame you
For what you cannot change
You are more than a paper doll
With pieces to pick, pull apart, and exchange

Your words are smooth satin
Can't help but suspect your nonchalance
Know I can be standoffish
It's simply an automatic response

Patterns I am used to
Behavior I am around
Have me guarded for great reason
Heartache all I have ever found

It is not your fault you hurt me
Instead it's mine for expecting you to keep
Promises when you have shown before
You will only break them and make me weep

No noticable change in behavior
Don't know why I'm surprised
Don't know why I thought anything would be different
Need to accept a future of secrets and lies

I meet new obstacles daily
Alibis I have to chop down
I think I've finally given up
Only a matter of time til I drown

Weeks passed since any bliss touched our lives
With each day that goes by we deepen the space
Driving ourselves insane with obsession
Madly in love with you, but you only love the chase

A game of tug-o'-war neither can win
Love has us struggling to get along and agree
It is time to realize I'll never change you
Just like you cannot change me

A moment was all it took for my heart
To violently shatter and painfully fall apart
Will I ever halt these frustrated tears?
At this rate I will be sobbing for years
You let this relationship crumble; you can't deny
Smashed my heart completely; watched it suddenly die
My home now haunted by ghosts without names
Is it a graveyard for both of our shames?
Abandonment I attempted but failed
Every goal they followed and veiled
It seems impossible to shake
Apparitions my mind creates
The best part of being the last one to move on
Hearing you are better with me gone
I drain my pen of daily sorrow
It took being empty to fill with hope for tomorrow
It's getting easier to close wounds and mend
Write the damage to better defend
I hate I so easily let you back under my skin
Beaten into submission finally say you win

How many of our smiles are fake?
How many of us wish our own lives to take?
How many people out there feel alone?
Or even worse feel like they are just another clone?
How many souls are crying out for another?
And how many of them will meet each other?
How many loved ones have passed away?
How many deal with depression each day?
Or another mental illness they carefully hide?
How many of you out there are broken inside?
How many humans are truly at peace?
And just when will that contentment cease?
How many of us have cut out our hearts?
And destroyed it so no one else could hurt that part?
How many of us have watched those we love the most,
Change over time into an unrecognizable ghost?
How many people have each one of us used?
How many words have we said that left others ego bruised?
How many friends have we drifted apart from?
How many of us are horrified by what we have become?
How many goodbyes cut good people open wide?
Leaving them gutted by the empty space by their side?
How many hours have been wasted by sorrow?
How many todays ruined by yesterday or tomorrow?
How many questions has mankind really asked?
How many people walking by are wearing an ornate mask?
How many of us are able to say the smile we don is real?
And mean it when we tell another how it is we feel?
The answers are only numbers with an unimportant sum,
They don't matter because the tragic fact of every last one
Is that they all show us our harsh reality;
The truth most people cannot accept or see

We'd rather make-believe our lives are as happy
As we know they will not ever be

I am sorry I am so ****** up
I am a broken clock; an empty cup
I try to retrace my path to find out where I went wrong
What broke me and why I am no longer strong
But before I figure out how I ended up here
My footsteps fade and disappear

"Do you still love me?"
"Of course I love you"
  "How much?"
"I love you with all my heart. Well, what's left of it anyways.."

My hopes could beat the skyscrapers,
As high as they keep flying,
There's no way to draw them back,
But relentlessly; I'm trying.

It must be so easy for you
To brush past in the hall
Keep your eyes straight forward
Like I never knew you at all

I bet not once did it cross your mind
The thought my pain might last
You were wrapped in selfish problems
Trying to escape the past

Now take a look where we are
Two strangers living side-by-side
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad
If our feelings had been rectified

I despise your false air of confidence
Your proud eyes won't even look my way
I'm the only one who sees you for what you really are
Everyone else sees the part you play

Got me up all night long
I am falling in love with you
The longest crush I've ever had
And I believe you love me too
All I'm singing is our song
J. Cole was right when he wrote
"Love is a drug like the strongest stuff ever"
It's better than the ***** we pour down our throats
I'm on one now, do you feel it as well?
Though I am sober I feel my senses fly
Because love is the drug that keeps me awake
I spend all night with you high

"Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
With nothing to live for except the anticipation of your next high?"

Of course you say no, that you want much more than that
Yet you keep destroying yourself in the same place you've been at

I love you so much but I can't witness up close anymore
It hurts to observe from a distance, but a front-row seat hurts even more

If you love something
You should set it free
Not keep it chained
Where it doesn't want to be
Because if that love is true
And meant to be
It will return to you
Eventually

I've heard the best is yet to come
Find that hard to believe
Feels like I'll never be happy again
Regardless if I stay or leave
You do not steal my breath like you used to
Make my body glow with glee
Neither does anyone or anything else
You are not the problem; it's me
I hold on hoping things get better
Because better is what we both need
They say good things take their time
But this is far too slow of a speed
I know I have to be patient
But I've been told life is short you see
Time only goes forward but I miss the past
I'm a slave to memories of how we used to be

When the world tears you apart
Do you follow your head or follow your heart?

I hope you are happy with me around
Tonight can see you're not
Your voice sounds tired and low
Feel like a ghost you forgot

Know you are growing irritated
Put me down sometimes for no reason
Act like I am just being crazy
Your cold shoulder and this winter season

In front of friends we share
You should be sensitive
I am trying to be reasonable
I am weak-my soft spots are quick to forgive

Want to be as fun and carefree as you
Isn't as easy as you make it look
Under your smile I sense something else
What will bring back joy that I took?

To everyone who has shown support
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
You have no idea what you have given me
Just by reading each work of art

The validation I always yearned for
Recognition for how much I've put in
Have allowed me to realize I do have true talent
Inside my head within

I appreciate every last view
"Likes" and "Loves" even more
When I see a poem added to a collection
It reminds me what I do this for

It feels good to see my writing trend
And end up on the front page
But that doesn't compare to that time I won the daily
Overnight my poetry was put center-stage

Now "Backspace" is up to almost 50,000 views
Far more than I thought I'd ever get
And the number slowly keeps climbing
It's to all of you I owe this debt

To the one who added one of my haikus
To a collection where it was read
And the one who reposted a song I wrote
Or anyone who shared some of my work with a friend

To each follower who looks forward
To every new piece I create
To all who took the time to send me a private message
To thank me for posting and say they relate

What really fills my soul with pride
Is reading the comments you leave
Some people are so kind and positive
Their encouragement hard to believe

If all the compliments are genuine
And the words they type are true
My achievements are the result of dedication
So I owe my success to the thousands of you

This is for those who consider themselves fans
For the spirits I have inspired
For anyone who has been touched by my rhymes
To make an impact was what I most desired

These stanzas are not an adequate way
To express the depth of my gratitude
But I have no money or other assets
So it looks like y'all are *******

Just know that I do pay for your admiration
In the currency of blood, sweat, and tears,
I've spent more time writing than clocked in at work
And I held a full-time job for five years

So this is my display of love
For all you wonderful people I don't know
And the others I do that have offered praise
And watched my skill develop and grow

I will forever be thankful for how you have helped
My confidence and bravery
Because of you I haven't put down the pen
Whenever a reason to live hard to see

You have no idea how much your thoughts mean
On my worst days this is where I escape to
So this is my way of saying I am appreciative
I couldn't do this without all of you

Someone once told me that people
Who are truly meant to be together will
Always find eachother in the end
How come I'm waiting for you still?