What have I gained?
What have I tossed?
What has been the actual cost?
All of this pain
A heart of frost
None of it worth what has been lost

©2024

"Last thing I remember was being in
This death spiral tail spin
A nightmare I woke up still in
My question?
Why then
Should I bother to wake up again?
Does anyone have a good explanation
Nearing even a distant point of reason?"
He asked in desperation

©2024

Pit answerless questions
Against questionless answers
The stuff no one mentions
It just sits and it festers
The best of intentions
Played out by the worst actors
Heathens and hellions
Aren't the back stabbers

©2024

Not startin' $hit
Just talkin' it
And I can talk it
'Cause I walk it
I believe in talk $hit
Get hit
I can take a hit
So come with it
Or I'm gonna have to ask you to step back a bit and sit

©2024

What's gotten into me?
Well, it's spite silly
Despite a lack of a vacancy
Much needed for what's actually important to me

©2024

My chin digs a ditch stretchin' miles behind me
My tucked tail has fallen off and lost sight of me
Occupying limbo in the company of ennui
A trait from Eeyores' arced personality
No hospitality
Low fruit hanging heavy
Rots gradually
A ******* at the ready,
Presented indefinitely,
Squarely into the faceless face of longevity
As it inevitably gets the best of me
And I seemingly seem to be ignoring the complexity
Like it doesn't apply to me
Oh the irony

©2024

Eye to eye with a two faced mirror
Stern threats stated towards this duplicate I see
"I'm warning you, don't ******* in there,
You know you don't like it when we're angry"
Though, my mind and I both know I know better
Fully aware I don't have a victory on it's territory
A half baked example of what makes a quitter
There's a lose on every flipped page of my story

©2024

Time is a funny thing
We miss the past
And dream of the future
While paying little mind to a today
That is the dream we will later miss

©2024

Casper
That's the name they gave me
The intentions weren't friendly
They used it mockingly
Albeit creatively
Because my skin was alabaster pasty,
I was Jack Skelington skinny
And, apparently,
My blond hair and blue eyes weren't manly
So then,
I embraced it and turned it on them ceremoniously
No more Casper the Friendly,
Just Casper the Deadly
Turned to the ghost that gave nightmares to Freddy
Made the devil look heavenly
That persona went at any and every enemy
But now that I'm 40
I've let that part of me leave me
Though it was the only part of me that believed in me
The scratched up side of my flipped penny
...I miss is secretly...

©2024

I asked one time
"Why must we grow old?"
And I was told
"So we have the mind to ask,
'Why must we grow old?'"
So I guess I'll only show
But never really know
Oh well

©2024

Do it,
Love me
Do it,
Hate me
Do it
Now
Do it
Latter
Or don't
It doesn't matter

©2024

You'd think I requested these
Soul crushing insecurities
That break me down with ease
Like I selected to have bad news to come in threes
In a world that doesn't care about the word please
Closed a blind eye to the forest and the trees
Can't smell my own $hit on my knees
With an A to B through none traversable seas
The promised paradise is vacant properties
What I have are useless keys
And facts with discrepancies
That leaves a heart at absolute zero,
A deep freeze

©2024

Does it look like I care?
No sir
Easy answer
But you can't see in here
Unaware or pretender?
Oblivious or clueless?
Neither
I don't make myself clear
To the goings on between each ear
What takes over top tier?
It's all fear
I checked there earlier
There's plenty of that here
A hypocrite because took second chair to fear
I let it steer,
Did nothing as it ground through every gear
While telling others of the inherent danger
Watching it veere right before approaching what I'm after
I can only look in the rear view or side mirror
One shows issues catching up,
The others closer than they appear
A hard knock heir
There's not a lot to envy in here
I don't have it in me to care
If I could I probably would, I swear

©2024

••••••
Inspired by
Krista Delle Femine
~Still the Fool~
••••••
I always find myself here
With little to no explanation
I'm thinking it's because I elicit fear
They avoid my intensity
Every bombastic and overcharged emotion that overflowes from me
I believe they mean to
But they seem to pull themselves through
It's always something I did
Or didn't do
It's so much rejection
I've lost track of the lesson
It's only humility
And wanting from someone
Something they don't have for me
They often pretend
Put up a good front and deny the lie
I have to keep all of me inside
And leave it for everyone else to interpret what one of my issues it could be
Then it falls on me
Only on me
We don't have to wait and see
What I can't be
Even alone I can't be free
Not really
I'm still the fool writing about this
Letting them live rent free in my poetry

©2024

People,
Creating their own hell
Let's keep it simple
Try to be real for a spell
No spiel,
Just an obvious tell
Deceitful,
But not doing it well
A sequel
Was always going to be a hard pitch to sell

©2024

No more...
Feeling unwanted
Feeling unloved
Feeling like there's no one above
I've had e-fu¢ing-nough

No more...
Being "the problem"
Being "more that I can take"
Being no more than "the latest mistake"
For fu¢ks sake

No more...
Fu¢king anything
I'm okay with it being just me
I'm okay with being nothing
I can only be what you see

©2024

Tonight is not a night
Where we will find sleep
Tonight is the night
That we find something more everlasting

©2024

There's a want to be wrong
Wanted for so long
So long it seems like a folk song
Rather than a foregone conclusion
Just another drawn in lexicon
A childish tantrum replayed like a sing-a-long
'Till the real "want" is gone
And I have to admit I have no idea what's goin' on

©2024

Oooookay,
I pretty much know what's in-store
I've been here before
Some days I feel I've never left
One day it'll be where I take my last breath

©2024

Behind deep blue eyes
Like deep blue tides
Is a mystery
Somehow even to me
Behind bright blue eyes
Like bright blue skies
Is not a safe place to be
Not even for me
Behind faded blue eyes
That prove time flies
There's been too much tragedy
Far too much for me
Behind closed blue eyes
That've seen their last sunrise
Is where I'll find tranquility
That's where you'll find me

©2024

It's hard to imagine anyone loving me
Especially
When I hate me so completely
I'm sorry
But if I have to love myself
In order
To feel love from anyone else
I might as well put myself on the shelf
Out of reach from everyone else
I'm afraid love will never win
It's not as easy as just letting it in
I have to keep battlin'
Just to keep from drownin'
Due to a timeline filled with so much abandonment and rejection
Over and over and once again,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry my sorry means little to nothin'
My devotion didn't start out this thin
This is the outcome of both creation and evolution
Going head to head,
And coming out in the end,
As a problem with no solution

©2024

Open up you say
Sure,
I'd love too
If even just for a little something new
A simple change of view
Although to keep this bit of honesty true,
I should tell you,
I don't necessarily care for this solo walkthrough
I'm a little tired of the empty echo in this venue
But,
Allowing someone in isn't worth another self worth issue
See,
One can be a lonely number, but so can two

©2024

Love and hate
Neither pose a challenge to fate
What even is there to debate?
Prove one is far stronger than the other
Go ahead,
I'll wait right here

©2024

Forever counting sheep,
Gotta be up to infinity
I'm sure though,
Any day now,
I'll get to see what my dreams might be

©2024

No minds eye
No dream of a brighter night sky
No minds eye
Trouble seeing through most any lie
No minds eye
A lack of one inside but yet I still cry
Can't go face to face or eye to eye
How friggin' broken am I?

©2024

•••
Welcome home
•••
Heart of stone
House of glass
Fault is not mine alone
Karma credit blown
It happens fast
With no receipt shown
The last to know
A forced outcast
I didn't get here on my own
A house of glass
And a single stone
Another broken home
•••

©2024

I melt like ice on a hot plate
Like a candle to a flame
All I know is pain
Though it now sits as an unforgettable stain
The receptors were never meant too sustain
The onslaught like constant rain
Proving to be too much to maintain
I now feel nothing,
Teetering on the cusp of insane
Not unfamiliar terrain
I recognize fears domain
Spent a lot of time on that plane
Where a single step forward is a strain
And one look back can reattach the chain
Scars from a dangerous brain
Are the only parts of the original me that remain
If need be,
Look for my face in the wood grain

©2024

Seeds of doubt churn with streams of hurt
Leaving it's mark from brain to heart like ruts in plowed dirt
It all collects and pools, a bottomless oddity here
Who's the capture, who's the prisoner? That's never been clear
Up to the moment life boils over the razors edge
Ribbons of crimson spill quickly, careening off the ledge
You had to have known it's all hollow, must I follow?
Must I always question while you threaten the finality of every tomorrow?

©2024

Seeds of doubt churn with streams of hurt
Blazing trails from brain to heart
It all collects, it pools deep there
Adopting the role of abuser, turning me prisoner
Before life spills over the razors edge
Ribbons of red spill over, off the ledge
Must I follow?
Must I alway question the finality of every tomorrow?

©2024

A part of me is left behind every door that closes
Like a mourning loved one, I leave roses
Another chunk of me is stolen by future pretend friends
Right when I step through the convenient door they told me always opens
With every new venture a strand of hope ends

©2024

I run from my inevitable next mistake
Only to find I'm the bait
I'm at stake
Everyone will debate
On why I must participate
Ignoring why I no longer want to partake
I wish somebody
Would have bothered to tell me
You can't possibly challenge fate

©2024

Even before
My feet hit the floor
I'm short a dollar
And a day late for what's in-store

©2024

The past haunts,
The future taunts
Leaving one to be the sorry,
Lowly, lonely,
Monkey in the middle amongst the what-nots
I'm not a fan of this short story of hollow dots and vague plots
One man's constant nightmarish thoughts
Are anothers breaking point spots

©2024

Still stuck on the fence
Forced to traverse a world that still doesn't make sense
I could embrace the ignorance
But I don't want to take that stance
So I find myself stepping on toes during this awkward slow dance
I wouldn't call it happenstance,
Not a chance
The culprit is this toxic, three-way romance
Between anger, my dark passenger and everything I can't forget to remember
Nothing to see here folks,
At least not at first glance
And that's enough to keep me in this trance

©2024

iNNER THOUGHTS BECOME INTENSE
aS THEY PICK APART IT'S OWN DEFENSE
mAKING DOOM PREDICTIONS AT IT'S OWN EXPENSE
fINDING A NEED TO RELIEVE SUSPENSE
hENCE THE ARRANGEMENT OF LETTERS INTO WORDS THAT MAKE SENSE
tHE TRANSLATION ITSELF IS A JUMBLED MESS
tHE CRANIUM FEELS FAR TOO DENSE
wHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?
lOVE AND HATE IN THE SAME CONTENTS
rUSH TO TAKE OFFENSE
cAN NEVER GET IT OUT BEFORE  THE CRACK UP AND BREAKDOWN COMMENCE

©2024

I don't care who it hurts
No ragerts

©2024

Every now and then,
I'm hit with raw, overwhelming emotions
Doesn't matter when,
Feelings brought in are habitual Trojans
That's just how it's been,
Recklessly driving these knee-**** reactions
And here I am, once again,
Arriving on the scene of irrational explosions
No one but me noticin',
I'm left to bleed out anytime my heart opens
Dark thoughts start creepin' in,
The next door to close might be the stage curtains

©2024

I tried to resurrect you in every thought I had
I tried to connect through words on a notepad
I have tried to let go of the sad
I tried every coping mechanism I had
...you weren't even a good dad...

©2024

I'm not scared
I'm terrified
Every step forward
Fears are verified
Every glance over the shoulder
The past gets magnified
Every breakdown in the corner
Bad strands of DNA amplified
I'm afraid if I stay on this ride
I'll be taken out with the tide
Created by the oceans I've cried
Ignored 'cause I say, "I'm good" but I lied

©2024

Is there inherent good in people?
Who's to say,
Nothing is that simple
With little to no meaningful example sample
One's left to guess what to shed and what's essential
For those not raised to be capable
Those who struggle with both an internal and external battle
Or wound up with a broken porcelain bone handle,
It's hard to shake the fragile label
And always surprising who is willing to use it as ammo
There is good, there is evil
Most linger somewhere near the middle
Remember though,
It's not that simple

©2024

From my view, while side eyeing beyond the periphery
I basically see a place that's not a place anybody would actually choose to be
But when it's the landscape of your own psyche
It's hard to see any way out of the intensity that will always accompany insanity
And no one can hear your inner voice plea for much needed mercy
Begging yourself to set yourself free
But this inescapable captivity is your eternity
But it just occurred to me,
I can't tell if this is free will or destiny...
Did I choose to fall slowly?
Maybe I decided to come undone gradually
Or did some higher power think this was best for me?
Either way's bad news for my trajectory  
Zero possibly of a redemption story
No guts
No glory
Just constantly repeating "sorry"

©2024

Dreams provide the building blocks for nightmares
Working with outsourced puppeteers,
Freelance shiit talkers
And unlicensed engineers
Incorporating in-house failures,
Stacked to the rafters,
To orchestrate such fears
A passion project with plenty of volunteers
But after 40 some years
Missteps and heartbreak are full blown careers
With daily bonus checks awarded for tears

©2024

I watch life's ultimate plan to bulldoze
Play out and target any happy settlement,
'Till all that's left are foreclosed burrows
Unwelcoming ghettoes
A real to life Gotham City narrows
Everyone knows
Shiit flows
Down stream and my life's the delta where it all goes
And it shows
As it never slows
Better days?
I'm out of those...
I don't suppose
You have one you could spare
All I have to offer
Is heartache and woes

©2024

With each and every smile the lie grows
Gotta live with this Pinocchio nose
Black out curtains dress the windows
So, I suppose,
The only parts of me I expose
Are silhouette shadows

©2024

...I mean, where do I begin?
Her toxin,
It has me locked in
Open to every sin
A reckless passion
Electrifying the skin
She reminds me softly through a coy grin
That there's no rules but she likes the discipline
So I jumped in
Just for it to be a solo swim
Don't trust a whim

©2024

A well lit path is not part of my journey
Mine's through a dark ally
The thoughts that emerge from the shadows come in a hurry
A savage flurry of the eire
Physically consumed with how badly this could turn out for me

©2024

Who knows
How many more of those
Devastating blows
From life's twisted episodes
I can take
Before I get exposed
And everybody knows
This smile's a fake,
Adorned like over warn costumes on Broadway shows

©2024

Life's biggest illusion is the freedom we're shown
Cause there's only so far you are able to roam
It never occurred to me that it was strange to be in this place alone
At first,
While trying to escape I wore my finger tips to the bone
But now,
I've got it so bad that I call this catacomb home
No land line phone,
No WiFi hotspot zone
Cut off from the outside inside this prison of skull and bone

©2024

It truly is a shame
It's a shame that this evil never left after it came
The residual, dry back shot residue leaves a stain
After every time I'm sccrewed and they remain
Those ones don't rinse off in the rain
The rain that came all the same
Leading me to aim my point at and then claim
That I'll never see life the same

©2024

Docile and tame,
A king slain by his own sword
Self inflicted pain
My shelf life would be considered inhumane
A body originally set to be a temple
Is now unlivable domain

©2024