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Alexis Aug 29
a heart is not a bone,
i suppose it can not be broken .

it's a muscle,
strained far beyond its proper use .

it does not work the same anymore,

honestly
i'd be surprised
if it wanted to work at all .
Isaac Jul 9
What if we were called to bliss?
And didn't have to strain?
What if we were born for rest?
And through that is true gain?
What if this Earth holds a secret
Only found by those who rebel?
Breaking out of limitation,
Now free from the prison cell.
Written 10 July 2019
Bardo Jul 1
(A Definition: OCD is a mental disorder where people feel the need to check things repeatedly, perform certain routines repeatedly or have certain thoughts repeatedly).
        ---------------------------------

Well, I'll tell you once
Better make that twice just in case,
Maybe even a third time to be sure
To be sure it's securely in place
Because you never know, do you, you
    never know.....

When I was young I worked for the
    man
I didn't have any other choice at the
    time,
A strange man, aren't they all
Had a funny way of going on
Had pet names for things, his own
    private little vocabulary
And there was always this one, this
    one little proviso
No matter what you seemed to do
You! you were always wrong.

If you were to ask him for directions
    you'd surely end up lost
Be left scratching your head or driving
    into a wall,
Even if you thought you knew what he
    meant
It was like he'd just turn it around,
    stand it on its head
And suddenly it wasn't what he meant,
    it wasn't what he meant at all!
But was something completely
    different
And you! you were always wrong.

"Where are your eyes, can't you see!"
    he'd say
I could see alright but not what he was
    saying to me
Everything was upside down, every
    which way across
All jumbled up, awkward, out of place,
I could never please him anyway,
In the end you'd just give up, just
    give in
Admit you were stupid, admit you
    were dim
Playing a game only he could win
With its ever changing rules all made
    up by him,
Maybe it was just the mood he was in
He was a man though and I, I was only
    a kid....only a kid.

                           II

Now its hard to live when you've
    always been wrong
When you don't trust yourself or the
    whole world around
You grow unsure about things, you
    start to check things,
Where others see things for what
they are, you simply don't believe it
Reality isn't reality you've learned, it's
    something else entirely.

Whereas the other guy can check
    things once and let it go
You gotta keep on checking & checking
You look and you look and you look
    again
You strain to see what isn't there really
Strain till your poor eyes are nearly
    popping out of your head onto the
        floor
And even then it's not over, there's a
    punchline
When you finally do get something
    done
You still don't believe you've done it
    right
A ******* doubt remains & it follows
    you about
A voice from your past comes back to
     haunt you
And to remind you, that "You! you
    were always wrong".

How could you ever hope to win
Working three or four times as hard
    just to stay even, just to keep up
        with the next guy
And it's hard, real hard, all that
    indecision
It's no great surprise when you start to
    fall behind
You look up & suddenly they've all
    passed you by
You look at them like their some kind of Supermen, the ease with which they
    can do things, like real men
But you, still like a little child who can
    never get it right
You feel such a failure, feel so small, so
    small and so inadequate.

And you stick out, others begin to notice you & your little peculiarity
They snigger and laugh behind your
    back
They joke about you and call you
    names
Their not like you, no one's like you
Nobody wants to be your friend,
No! Nobody wants to be a friend to
    that.
You feel you don't fit, you don't belong,
You feel so lost, you feel so alone.

Bosses too, watching you work, they
    shake their heads and say,
" He's not very productive, is he? He's
    very slow
No! We can't keep him, he's no good,
    he'll have to go ".

                          III

But where do you go? What do you
    do?
When all the doors are closed on you,
If you're not all worn out by then,
    your health all gone
Well, maybe....maybe you seek another
    reality, yeah,
You take a drink and then another and
    then wow!
What's all this? a world gone crazy,
    out of control, spinning & whirling
         around
And it's funny and you'd be laughing,
    laughing at the craziness, the
       absurdity of it all
And the great thing, you didn't care
    anymore
You'd say to yourself " this is great, this
    is amazing,
Maybe now I'd found a world I could
    live in
Where things were always funny and I
    wouldn't always be wrong"
You'd made a new friend, and a friend
    worth having
Here was someone who could really
    help you
That could ease your pain and dull
    that crazy brain of yours
Someone that could fix you and
    maybe, carry you home.

And so, you managed to get yourself a
     job, then rising real early every
           morning
You'd put some music on, then get the
    drinks in
Have yourself a little/ wee party
Wait for the effect to kick in, the click
    in your head to come
When the seriousness would all
    dissipate
And the funniness come around
    instead
Then you'd head off to work, you'd be
    high but careful to conceal it
So as not to give yourself away
You'd be like an actor playing a role,
    the part of the 'normal person'
        whatever that is
But behind it all there was you,
    watching yourself
And you'd be sniggering & laughing,
    far away and far out of it;
And you'd be able to keep up with
    them, the others
Keep up long enough until lo and
    behold, surprise of all surprises
You'd see one of them make a mistake
And this would give you some
   confidence
And you could build on that
You'd start to think, maybe I wasn't so
    bad after all
And maybe they weren't the
    Supermen I thought them to be,
And slowly bit by bit, you'd start the
    long trek back, back to sanity
Till one day, suddenly you wouldn't
    need it anymore, the drinking
You'd have realized the truth, that you were as good if not a whole lot better
    than any of them
Yea, you'd realize the truth, that you'd
    been robbed, you'd been duped
There was nothing wrong with you,
    there never was
It was Him! all Him those many years
    ago
And that crazy way he had of going
    on.

How he always liked to make you feel
  that it was such a really big deal
Every time you made a mistake, did
    something wrong
It was something terrible! something
    heinous!!
O! It was the End of the World!!!
His words, how they'd hit you right at
    your heart's core, leave you reeling
Made you feel you weren't human
    anymore
You were hopeless! Impossible! Like some kind of freak, some alien being...

You know, sometimes I look at great
    structures, big buildings, bridges
         and the like
And I wonder what kind of mind
    made such a thing
It wouldn't have been me that's for
    sure
I'd have been too afraid they'd
    collapse or fall into the sea,
And I think again of him who made
    me this way
His parents died when he was very
    young
He had awful teachers who beat
    him mercilessly
He had to emigrate to find work like
    so many others
Had to work with foreigners far
    from his own home and kin
Who knows what he must have gone through to make him the way he was
What crazy world created him and
    made him do the things he did
He never wrote anything down, no!
    not like I could
And so it is...and so it goes
(When one person bullies another and destroys their perception of the world)

Now I know it's going to **** me one of
    these days
This penchant I still have for checking,
    this overconcern for things
When I think of all the energy I must
    have wasted
The things I could have done with it
(I could surely do with it now)
What might have been... if only... if
    only.
You probably won't read this in any psychology books.
xtine Apr 14
my chest is a black hole that takes the air I breath from my lungs,
quickly imploding in on itself.
the molecules of my cells wanted to get out of this black pit of anxiousness, but the gravity was too strong to escape
the overwhelming matter

my heart is a jackhammer that palpitates adrenaline-filled blood through the highways of my vessels,
as if one wrong turn would cause the vehicles of blood cells to collide with the walls of my arteries and veins 'til it ruptures.

my mind is a tornado formed by the hot and cold air of
worst-case-scenarios that ***** in whatever is left from the village of my sanity, leaving behind destruction and remnants of mental strain.

my muscles are ropes in a game of tug-of-war between opposing teams of stress and anxiety that tenses up the fibers of my being, causing burns across the length of back and leaving me unable to move,
until the only thing left it can do
is reach a breaking point that creates tassels of exhaustion

Oh, God. Please give me rest.
Self-expectations and pressures are exhausting my strength. Also, it’s exam season so the overwhelming amount information leaves me frozen and not knowing what to do.
I feel **** when I can’t find the words to say
I left tomorrow for yesterday
It’s the pain and the strain that I smoke
Feelings get away
not one on my sleeve
With the wind, I blew away
any chance of us today
got thrown away
when I got sick
I wish you would hear these words
*** you were the first and last thing I lost
to what cost I blew you away
A sunset paints the day
But the moon can only reflect
that light in your eyes
herion brown
I could stare for days
but you don’t want me around
******* for not needing me
your seed in me still grows
and it shows
Broken lost confused
hearing voices, torture, torment pain
I wish I could go back to when I was sane
Nightmares too **** to say
Thank god those passed
I did it, i survived, i got away
I don’t know how long it’ll last
I feel like death is ******* calling me
so I look at the past
It’’s my favorite past time
Let me tell you for the last time
i needed you
like I need air to breathe
Live on and be happy without me
I know that’s how it works
I hope your happy
I just want you to be happy
and when I die young
don’t cry or mourn
keep your eye on the light
and shine bright, breathe freely
A Simillacrum Oct 2018
Icy burn, an ache
both dull
and knife point.
Am I going
insane?

Cervical, thoracic,
lumbar, and sacral
tension, or
is it
elasticity?
Am I going
crazy?

Dark days, I try to run
away from myself,
just to sniff in circles,
distracted, burning
daylight.

Good days, I practice
all the basic moves
a mixture
of modern living
and disregard
made me forget.

Guess I'm pretty broken.
Isn't the concept of
properly aligned
posture fun?
K Balachandran Jun 2018
after raging rain,
goes night long, frogs' sqawky strain:
"give us back rain's reign"
Glory May 2018
My life ever changing
Few things are steady
I left the strength that cradles me
Replaced by the freedom
  Of my suffocation.
My own hand strangles me
The suffering that strains my core
     I put there.
There is confidence in this pain.
        I can trust its loyalty.
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