I hang a mangled backdrop
A set prop
To keep from view
That I got
Behind the scenes rot
And there's a lot

©2024

Any second now,
I could come face to face with an enemy
Sent by a deity
With the soul purpose to immediately
End this agony
But I can guarantee
I'm not that lucky

©2024

I sit in this empty room
But I'm not the only one in here
I went and let my demons out
They produce then they feed on my fear
Been here many times before,
More times than I can ignore
I won't shed another wasteful tear
What good's all this crying for?
Both my tear ducts are sore
And it's the same year after year after year

©2024

I'm failing
And I'm doing it at twice the speed than I'm falling
It's daunting,
Can't shake this loser feeling
Always ******* in dealing
With a mind that reeling,
Emotions that are spiking,
A heart that's spilling,
A soul depleting
And thoughts sent spinning
It's not even something I'm hearing
At least not outside of this in house courtroom hearing
That's taking place every morning,
Going deep into the evening
No,
There's no co conspiring,
No colluding
Or hitman hiring
It's self inflicted self destruction,
Without instruction
And while it's death defying
It's still an emotional beating
To the point I begin wondering
Am I still a living,
Breathing,
Human being
Type thing?
A strange bit of questioning

©2024

Like house siding I stack the facade till a barrier grows
It adds curb appeal and social value I suppose
But for me it's a false face to hide the lows
Getting me through this reality that blows
A life time of running into doors with a sign reading "sorry we're closed"
Hanging next to the mandatory posted notice of demolition proposed

©2024

If there is no one to blame,
To frame,
To claim
Did this to me
Then the arcane,
Link chain,
Rusty from the rain
But still holding me
Should be easy to explain
But it can't be

©2024

I hate me
You hate me
I hate the fact
That's the only
Place where we
Can find honesty

©2024

You can not break
What's already been broken
You can not recall
What's never been spoken
You can not run
When the spirits been stolen
Is there no hope left
To put any hope in?

©2024

Can't dislodge the shiit clot caught in my brain stem
On a marry go round of hell hounds, can't outrun them
I find it strange that a life can be all pain with no gain
I find it strange that nothing remains other than battle wounds and blood stains
The coward in me always wins with it's upper hand
My grand plan is to get my head deeper in the sand
The conversations from both sides of my mouth become simultaneous
Keeping this unstable, rival mindset at bay is strenuous, it's made me venomous

©2024

A minnow that's forgotten it's in water
A buzzard who's forgotten it's wings
A primate with no hands and feet
A star with no mass

©2024

Little Light Leaches past Lock tight Lids
Lampshades Laid over Living Lenses
Like pulled tight Laces Looped as Lattices
Letting Lingering Lies Loom
Late nights illuminated by Lunar Lampposts
Lighting a Landslide of Lopsided Lemons
Like those Littering Liberated Lands
Lacking any Lucid desire to Leave
Loose Lip type Lexicon Literates the Last Link Left
Leading to Literal Lemmings
A Legion of Like-minded Livestock
Leads to a Leap before you Look Livelihood
Lambasted but Lucrative
Due to Lavish Liberties that Life's were Laid down for
Lacerating all Links to Larger than Life Leaders
Becoming a Ludacris Laughingstock
Just Lowly Lackeys that got Lucky
Lambs in a Lions clothing Line
Ladened with Laminated Limitations
Rooting through and Looting the Leftovers
Lacking any Long-term Learned Lessons
I Lunge and Let go for the Last time

©2024

Believe me you
I'm tired of hearing me too
I'm ready for this era to be through
It's sad to see in both you and me that the same resentment aimed in the same direction grew

©2024

I had it yelled at me once, "you don't even know what love is!"
At first the accusation put me on the defensive
But the examples to me of laugh, love, live
Has always been top tier corrosive, a wildly destructive narrative

©2024

Sometimes I think it would be easier
To just give in and be the monster
The one they claim I already am
Just go ahead and put wolves clothing on a lamb
Then that way they can say "I told you so"
And I will play it off like, "I know, I know"

©2024

I want to be anything but me
Not always obviously
But often definitely
Specifically when that pesky negativity
Has a death grip on my personality
And brings out the ugly

©2024

My past haunts tirelessly
There's a lot of it at 40
Also less time for recovery
I wish it was "get some therapy"
Type of easy
I wish they'd stop blaming me

©2024

An abusive psyche
No might be
Cradle to the grave most likely
The lengthy reminder's set for nightly
However not by me
I have no say apparently

©2024

I don't dare to look in the driver's side mirror
Objective issues seen seem closer than they appear
The warnings always been there
In black print on the bottom from corner to corner
Trust me, I've spent most of my forever
Glued to the rearview mirror
I wouldn't say one over the other is safer
Both lead to the inability too steer
Leaving the inevitable outcome to each pretty clear

©2024

I don't feel at home
In my own skin
I run from ghosts
I do not believe in
To live and love
Has not been win win
I'll have to hang upside down
The next time you ask me to grin

©2024

One foot in front of the other
A played out endeavor
That has only ever
Led to the next far greater
Chapter on disaster
The fact of the matter
Is it's getting harder and harder
To change the visual status quo behavior
With eye glue on the rearview mirror
Then a thought takes over
One I've never had before
Maybe it'd be a little easier
As a simple passenger
How exactly? Well that I'm not sure

©2024

I took a quarter of a lifetime to create
Boundaries with an impenetrable gate
That I could fall back to at a later date
Who knew I wouldn't have to wait
Because as soon as I challenged fate
And tried to break this family trait
And shift from the pattern of self hate
To a more beneficial internal way to associate
I was lead to and left in this mental state
No trial, no debate
Forced with the threat of death to participate
And that safe place, it began to deteriorate
As the darkness started to manipulate
Causing my stronghold to mutate
At an astonishing rate
'Till now I just feel like an inmate

©2024

I've stopped telling myself there's still a possibility it'll be okay
Honestly,
Mostly only because I've run out of things to say
That and I am tired of lying to myself everyday
There must be another way...
Either that or I just don't know how to play
What do the rules say?

©2024

I can not change a past future
And it's lookin' ever more likely I can't alter tomorrow either
Hell,
I might not make it through today's slaughter
If something doesn't go in my favor
The odds stack higher and higher
Then are topped with a dumpster fire
It's forever getting harder
To change the mindset of, "why bother?"
I desperately search out shelter
To begin another attempt at a repair
Go figure,
Once again it's a hopeless endeavor
It has me grasping at any answer
Like gasping for air
No thoughts of grandgure here,
Just a father in battle worn armor
But a desperate depression's taking over
Still holding a glimmer of hope, just a sliver
And a half-hearted prayer not to falter
While they tell me I can't possibly know what's in store
I beg to differ...

©2024

This humble pie
Is more like a shiit sandwich on rye
With a side of sty
Now there's a plank firmly implanted in each pink eye
Life's painful, but I'm suppose to be too mocho to cry
No one knows how many times I've wanted to die
Or the number of times I gave it a good ol' college try
Who do you think I am... no really, who am I
I think I'm my own stories fall guy
Fall back on the lie
That I can fix it all with a slipknot neck tie
What's more influential? Good or evil
In my experience it's surely a tie
But between you and I
The devil has more pull that the "infallible" eye in the sky
Call 'em both out, see who stops by
Or even bothers to reply
My money's on the pitchfork guy


©2024

It's bull shiit
All of it
Every single statement
Every last bit
Prove to me it isn't
Show me one instant
Where it's somehow different
I'll try to be patient

©2024

I wonder why I wonder
What a thing to sit and ponder
Especially now that I'm older
What will I do with what I discover?
What if I discover joy is in the adventure not in the answer?
Or is that how I'll play off an answer that's never there?

©2024

Thoughts refusing to leave yesterday
Won't stay out of tomorrow
Aware of the price one might pay
For lingering in past sorrow
Or fearing a role one might play
In a future no one could know
Becoming oblivious to the passing of every present day
Standing at a crossroad like, "where'd today go?"

©2024

Have you ever had one of those moments?
You know, like;
when before you can begin to get a sentence in, you see the other person's eyes roll.
when words of wisdom sound arrogant and cynical.
when you know you're being far too critical.
when your obnoxiously focused on the most simple wrinkle.
when your little issues seem to flip to psychosis and drive you mental.
when your own thoughts threaten to send you to a hospital.
when tomorrow feels like just another obstacle.
Those moments when breathing feels impossible
When contemplating turns suicidal
And dreaming becomes unbearable
That special moment when it sets in that this doesn't feel like living,
This feels more like survival
No?
You've never had that feeling of being out of control,
Lost in a downward spiral?
Where you swear,
This mountain used to be a molehill...

®2024

You only judge;
Or misjudge, the minimal effort you saw while my mind was gagged and bound
The many breakdowns you were a part of where no fix could be found
And the deluged of tears you hardly stuck around long enough to see hit the ground

You never asked;
About the profound effort of simply starting a day on the day priors rebound
About the countless cries that tried to break through the red tape but never found sound
Or about the tears I was told weren't allowed to form with other people around

Leaving me to question;
Can a life be built on the middle ground?
I guess the more important question is,
Do you desire to turn this thing around?
Is there any interest,
What-so-ever,
In seeing if a middle can even be found?
I'd appreciate your response but don't expect to see one come around

Fool heartedly yours,

The Crying Clown

©2024

You make me feel like I'm...
A test dummy
A punching bag
An excuse
The reason
The fault at fault
Wrong
The wrong one
A mistake,
Possibly your biggest ever
The bet you now wouldn't take
The "if only I hadn't..."
Bad in hindsight
A wrong you had to right
The time that's never right
Time you'll never get back
Someone you need to get over,
Move on from
And leave in the past
The pain in your a§§
The last time
Never gonna happen again
Someone who benefited from you being in the wrong state of mind
Your weak moment
Your young and dumb years, if you will
...shall I go on?

©2024

I'm almost most certainly about to break
It's only a matter of time but I hate the wait
Holding that familiar panic feeling I can't shake
Leading to a heated, one sided, debate
Pitting good faith against bad take
They're getting more alarming at an alarming rate
Basically arguing that everything's but what's fake is fake
Completely oblivious, a bad trait if you know what's at stake
Because BAM, in a flash, I awaken at my own wake
"Excuse me, there must be some kind of mistake"
But I must admit, the casket occupant is concrete proof I'm far too late

©2024

I do not like it, Sam I Am, I do not like the quite
I fear it when it's silent
Simply keeping the mind busy elevates the possibility the personalities wont riot
As a particular thought client takes centerstage the voices get defiant
Internal chaos runs rampant, so prevalent one finds oneself reliant
Negativity plays with anxiety out in the open in spite of the velvet lined casket
The soil tilled from conception permitted the growth of this poisonous plant
That sprung up out of nowhere, ill prepared, on an almost alien planet
Body longevity becomes insignificant when the need shifts to a mind and soul transplant
Whether a desired life or one deserved, you can't keep it like a secret, people are going to catch a peek of it
The remedy is absolute though illicit, hell, what isn't
The catch?
It's permanent

©2024

I know I've said I hate it but I love it at the same time
Two heavy hitters jockeyin' for position in the same mind
It'd be a high noon showdown in a different timeline
I'm fine,
You ever hear that slip my lip just know that I'm lyin'

©2024

I can only be the me I don't want me to be
I see what I want but can't have what I want to see
Taking a knee to self-loathing, abandoning self-loyalty
The pitiful pity the fool, it make sense then they'd pity me

©2024

Love me for me
or
Bow out gracefully
Schedule to leave me be
For the rest of infinity
If you're not going to do it discretely
And sever the ties neatly
I beg you to erase me entirely
Label me the falling tree
And I'll go quietly
Consider that a final promise from me
Or a threat if need be
Depending on if you need me to be the enemy
If there's any particular story
You're lookin' to re-weave back into your flippant memory
Then sure, feel free,
Go ahead and rewrite history

©2024

You say quote, "it should be easy to see" that you love me
Promising me, biyearly, that I'm your one and only
Your heart was supposedly given to me willingly
But you kept the key
So I wait endlessly for you outside the entry
I pine for you in spite of me
Yet you waste no desire on me
Avoiding anything resembling intimacy
Can't even toss me something phony
Hiding that half of your beauty from me
While forcing me to ignore that better half of me
Both instantly and,
It's occurred to me more recently,
Possibly for all eternity
Won't ******* like I'm somehow below me
I faintly remember you'd at least pity fuuck me
Now I seem to turn you off completely
Acting like you need to do absolutely nothing sexually
Literally refusing to be seen hand in hand in public with me
You constantly go out of your way to physically avoid me
The reason?
Because you know you've hooked me already
Leaving you to instantly cancel the pageantry
But is it to much to ask to willingly snuggle up close to me?
Hell...it must be...
Because you're giving off that type of energy
While ******* the entirety of my passion till my souls empty
Not s single thought on how this might affect me
You've more that just damaged me
But go ahead and ignore what's going to finally break me completely
No, really
Step back through the stage curtain and curtsy, you've beat me

©2024

If I where to ever get around to it,
There will be very few who would care
Okay, maybe a little bit
But they will roll their eyes
There will be scoffs and sighs
They will try to disguise the smirk
That comes with the pride of being right with no surprise
Because "todays the day"
They will finally be able to say
"I told you so"
"I told you he was a monster"
"I told you he didn't care"
"What did I tell ya, huh? He didn't want to be here"
Nope, not true
But what do they care?
Had they ever?
Whatever
What's true is I will no longer be there
To wave like hell to clear the air
And attempt in vain to clear my name
I will have proven them right once again
By not being able to prove them wrong
Just another loser's dance and song

©2024

So you stay there
And I'll start from here
But when I get near
Please don't feed my fear

©2024

I no longer dare to take a breath, can't provoke me, I won't breathe
Finding it too risky under the pressure of a thousand seas
Plus, you see, I must conserve the air for my self-righteous pleas
To produce more I planted the forest I can't see through the trees
Gods speed please, I've already been brought to my knees
By the artic breeze off a shoulder so cold it threatens to freeze
This house of cards I call a home sheds support beams with ease
From the inception of my very first organic thought
I've been largely ineffective at controlling my plot
Have I earned that first breath I got or not?
Probably not
The gut shot is how obvious it is that everyone at my table agrees

©2024

Watch
Just watch
Patiently
You'll see
If you pay attention
Just listen
Listen closely
Don't just listen with your ears
That will only drum up fears
Something they conveniently forget to mention
Hoping no one learns their lesson
Raise your hand with an open
Minds eye when you ask your question
What you do
With the answer given
Is up to you
But there's no knowledge that should ever be forbidden

©2024

Everyone that has ever said that they love me
All those who've mentioned that I'm their one and only
That their desire is to be with me, hand in hand for our eternity
All those who've told me that they care about me deeply
But have otherwise only ever proven to be phony
Compassion is something never aloud to me
History is rewritten by present and past company
Because when it comes down to the nitty gritty
I'm just a stepping stone obviously
I mean hell, just look at my track record then back at me
Don't even need a degree in forensic diplomacy
Actions speak loudly
Leaving me stuck in an unwanted and completely unnecessary purgatory
But no one cares about a no guts, no glory type story
No one cares how their actions have affected my energy
Turning me, molding me into the evil reflection that won't stop staring back at me
All sides have proven extensively that I am unworthy of being wanted, forget loving unconditionally
All I've ever wanted was to be somebody's somebody
But everybody says the same thing to me openly
No friendly faces and behind their smiles is a judgement and verdict of guilty
So I struggle with the fact that somehow they all agree
If the problem isn't me it at least resides in me
I've got a penny, two maybe,
We'll find the appropriate line to walk eventually
I just hope there'll be someone left standing next to me
Because an eternity is a long time to spend lonely

©2024

You break my heart every day and twice nightly
Hell, I'd rather be lonely
I'd rather be lonely
Than to be rejected by my one and only
I'd rather be lonely
Than feel unwanted by another claiming they love me
I'd rather be lonely
Than completely dismiss the better half my personality
I'd rather be lonely
Than watch you act like it's a chore to explore a little intimacy
I'd rather be lonely
Than to witness you go out of your way to avoid my advancements like they're icky
I'd rather be lonely
Than feel more unwanted than I did through my first 40
I'd rather be lonely
sigh
I can't imagine anybody actually choosing to be lonely
But here I am, holding out for my somebody to join me

©2024

Can't rid myself of it
There's surely no controlling it
Before I see it
I feel it
I fear it
And that fears legit
Didn't create it
Can't destroy it
So I'm forced to own it
While I own up to it
Like, "give me it"
"What is it?"
"A heart?"
"I'll slap it on my sleeve and wear it"
Though not to display it
But rather as a reminder of it
An extra warning of the dangers of it
And to call out all those promoting it

©2024

Feeling like half the man I used to be
I look to the sky desperately
Noticing something I don't usually see
The moon keeping the sun company
But the visual hit a little differently
Like I unknowingly unlocked some mystic mystery
Probably due to the particular mindset I'm in currently
But looking back at me was a half moon in all it's majesty
And I thought about it's cycle, it's personal journey
From full to empty then back again for all of eternity
Then my thoughts drift back to me,
Back to that feeling of illegitimacy
And this new found possibility
Based on the moon cycle imagery
Could it be something I could copy?
I guess I'll have to wait and see
But a sliver of hope, like the sliver of a crescent moon, may be all I need...maybe
Maybe I too could be whole again if I just move forward patiently

©2024

I have a fantasy
That you'll see me
And actually
Probably
Possibly
One day maybe
Want to join me
In the biblical sense obviously

©2024

Hi there,
I'm Jeremy's insecurity
Perhaps you've heard of me
If you're ever lookin'
For ammunition
To use against him,
Just talk to me
I'll divulge everything willingly
I won't even charge a fee
I'd be happy to supply it all for free
You can even call toll-free
Just dial 1-800-555-6663
And ask for me specifically

©2024

The words you spoke to me,
What feels like a century ago actually,
Still haunt me
Mocking me constantly
The rabid hostility
The unbridled brutality
Back then that's all I could see
At the time I was only capable of being angry
It took twenty plus years for me to finally
Recognize it for what it was, a difficult piece of honesty
From a friend I called family, and I'm not one to use that term lightly
But now you're no longer here to hear my apology
So I say my sorry
And hope it catches up with you eventually

©2024

Hold on
Wait
I already have to much on my plate
Can't go on
Not at this rate
I'll inevitably be crushed by the weight
I'm on
Rebuild eight
At least my life doesn't ever deviate
Will stumble upon
Checkmate
Continuation impossible in this state

©2024

I sit outside alone
Trying to count the drops of rain
It helps to tune out everything
Well, everything but the pain

©2024

Nothing can rise
Beyond the clouds in the skies
As long as we demoralize
Every imaginative spirit that tries

©2024