Sailing the guilty-seas
as regret trickles down my spine
and unloads
its over-thought-husky-murky-thoughts
upon my shoulders.

My daily rations are here:
shame, regret and guilt.
They’re brewing me to the bone;
into a rotten broth.

My thoughts pace
backwards and forwards
from guilt —
for remaining stagnant,
one of the past.

For being recycled
relentlessly-unbreakably
in this unhealthy cycle.

It is a cycle
of forget me nots;
such vile fetters.

But no dose can
reverse the abused time,
the stutters-and-mutters
the time that slipped my grips
and the sins
that swallowed my innocence whole.

For remorse, guilt and shame
only anchor us back
unless we were to morph them
to fuel and experience
to propel us forward.

Sometimes I feel
I am no longer writing for myself,
but rather becoming more like an elf.
Working and writing for everyone,
but myself.

I feel the need to keep my followers
entertained consistently and constantly
out of the fear I may lose my audience.

I feel I lost the purpose of my writing,
finding myself writing to the others liking
rather than expressing the voice within me.

For, once writing felt like a destress
but now it seems more of a stress.

I find myself beating my mind,
scraping for ideas,
juicing what's left within me,
to be drained
just to post consistently.

It's important to remember
to put yourself first above others.
To express to your likings and authenticity.
To not lose one self in the muddle of others
demands, voices and likings.
To remember the reason,
why you initially started.

I wanted to make you
taste the venom you poisoned me with.
Make you experience,
every ounce of pain you put me through.
I wanted to make you feel the wrath of the devil
and fire from hell.
Make you feel the darkness that consumed,
abandonment, hate, betrayal, loneliness and anger
that away the soul.

But now witnessing the consequences,
seeing you fall apart,
I realized this isn't what I wanted.

For this is an endless imprisonment of pain
and vengeance is not the escape.

Revenge,
that drove my mind insane,
diminished peace,
and replaced it with echoing chaos.

Revenge,
that filled my heart with hate,
venom in my veins,
ice in my soul,
fire in my eyes
and bitterness in my tone.

Revenge,
that made those moments rot
in anger wrapping up deceit.
Letting me dwell in darkness,
chaos and pain.

Revenge,
that makes more malice
to my hand.
So, I lay upon you to scourge.

Revenge,
that makes me feel like a villain,
with a prison sentence that never transpires.

Once she chased happiness
and now she chases broken pieces.
She fell in love with pain,
it drove her insane.
For who would want to hurt themselves?

Who would choose to
love to be heartbroken,
run back to the ones who would hurt,
reminisces painful memories to be hurt,
indulge in negativity, to drown in its depths
be comforted by demons than people.

But no one saw,
for there were no scars,
for it was mental self harm.

Pain it craved,
fear, rejection and sadness it ate.

She cried, because it was self harm
she screamed, and shouted
asking herself did she not love herself
to be hurt by her own self?

Seeing the good in people
was her virtue
and her downfall.

Crippling self doubt
plagues my existence.
Injecting itself into my blood stream;
immobilizing my muscles
numbing my tongue
and muting my voice box.

It quenches its thirst
by tearing my self image
limb from limb and
ploughing my insides
till there is nothing left.

It either bombards like
gunfire inside my head
firing flaws into questions
or drain each cell's confidence
leaving the muscles to shiver and shudder
and words hesitant to leave my tongue.

My flesh that houses doubt
is familiar with every capillary of my insecurity;
Whispering my shortcomings
and scrutinizing the details that make me, me.

It is a constant fight, invisible to the eyes.
Internal;
it's all in my head.

Love yourself,
So you can love others better
Trust yourself,
So you can trust others better
Take care of yourself
So you can take care of others better
Be kind do yourself
So you can do it for others
Do it for yourself
So you can do it better for others
Because self less
without ‘self’
just leaves you with less.

Her laugh is infectious
and her words are precious
for they draw a constellation line
from one heart to another.

Her heart beat resonates with mine
creating a beautiful orchestra together.

Her touch sends an electrical impulse
down my spine;
an electrical connection,
connecting us forever.

She is the one who’s heart holds mine,
ear who guards all my secret
and presence my comfortability finds a way to.

She is the moon to my dark sky
and the ocean my heart yearns for.

She is all what I want and all I need.

In the end,
she became more than she expected.
She became the journey,
a never ending journey.
For she did not end,
but simply changed directions
and kept going.

Easy it is to be caressed by
the soft-wine colored petals.
Easy it is to breath in the aura
of the fragrant roses.
But are you ready to come close
hold the razor sharp thorns;
enduring the pain of the thorny stems
are you ready to accept the roots
from which she grew.

She is the unsung lyrics,
the pieces of her favorite quotes stitched together.
When one plucks the lyre of her heart
melancholy melody soothes another heart.

She is a pallet full of rich and moody colors.
Sometimes she is bold like the streak of red of the sky at dawn
or delicate as soothing soft colored pastels.
At times she's vibrant
with her colors high on hue
and at times she is dim and quite.

She is contoured with passion;
whirlwind of colors
coaxing the brushstroke
as she is canvassed.

She is the evocative strokes
of a tempestuous soul
of curious contrast;
an exquisit chaos.

She is the raw,
broken tiles pieced together
into a mosaic
s intricate masterpiece like picasso's.

Her body
Her soul
is constantly moulding
sculpting into a phasing masterpiece.

She is an album;
a gallery.
She wasn't built to validate
to be understood
and loved by all
She's supposed to make you feel in the way she thought.

For she is the enigmatic narrative of her truth
and a beautiful ambiguity.

She offers them a rose
and some quiet prose.

She found herself painting her pain away
and writing her heartache away.
She escaped all the ones who hurt her,
creating an extension from pain to painting
and far more.
She transfigured all the betrayals,
broken trusts, hurt
into stepping steps.
Indulging in her passions,
she found escape.
Letting her to be swayed by the pain
than to be drowned in it.

We are stars wrapped in skin
A universe in ecstatic motion
Having a heart pulsating like a supernova
and eyes made of stardust
that shines bright in the darkness.
Thoughts like candlelights
Flickering on and off.
So protect your light
Protect your flame from the ice of others
Let it burn, let it burn brighter
Let it burn from within till it’s out
Let your light shine, whatever form it may be.

I can't close my eyes,
I can't close my mind
as my thoughts keep me awake all night.

I toss and I turn,
trying to find comfort in my bed.

It's past midnight
and my thoughts have been rung
with gasoline
and been set on fire.
It consumes the small pieces of
happiness that I picked up during the day.

I gaze and think,
as there is no save tonight.

So I lay with a heavy mind
and empty heart
waiting for my eyes to slip to sleep.

At times I feel socially awkward
hiding away those eyes from contact
mumbling and stuttering
as though I were stumbling,
upon the words as I was discovering.

Please don’t think I don’t want to talk
when I rush out,
Please don’t think I don’t want to talk,
when I don’t open your messages.

I escape out of nervosity
I feel the fuzziness in my head
butterflies in my stomach
nervosity in my nerves
lack of air in my lungs
tremble in my muscles
and the gritting of my teeth on my nails
as it drains every ounce of energy out of me.

I hide behind shadows
so I don’t encounter any social interaction.

No matter how many times I plan
and play a conversation in my head
I shudder and fret in reality,
making myself look like an awkward mess.

I want to be friends
I want to say hi
but the words do not escape
for I feel tongue tied.

I feel conscience and dreadful
for being such an awkward mess
choking on words
unable to let them
escape my tongue.

I am thinking
more than I am speaking
I can have a conversation in my head
but somehow, I find it difficult in reality.

But then you reach out
and make the first move
It makes it easier;
only to find myself
being an embarrassment once again.

But you don’t judge
you play it cool
and remain patient
you still show an eager to talk
and maybe that was what I needed
to be comfortable and me.

Somedays,
I write to reunite the broken pieces of my heart.
Somedays,
I write when I am unable to cry.
Somedays,
I write the words that never leave my lips.
Somedays,
I write when I feel no one would understand me.
Somedays,
I write the words for help that my soul screams for.
And somedays,
I am unable to write about
the emptiness that exists within.

Heartbreak and disappointment
dimmed by the laughter that escapes
and jokes that are made
letting me escape
the aching pain.

Forming a defence of
flowing endorphins  
preventing it from sinking deeper.
Although I am sure by night
I would be a weeper.

Which is alright,
pain and disappointments
are a part of life
there is no harm to feel,
to acknowledge to heal.

But one must not dwell
for it is a part of a
better plan that
awaits for ones fate.

My soul screams to speak,
but my lips remain sealed,
as no word slips.
It is just dead silence.
My head tenses,
as I am unable to utter words.

I find my tears
weighing all the emotions
as they trickle down my cheek silently.

Exteriorly, it is silent
even though there is chaos screaming within.

Somedays,
I wonder how do you go back
to being strangers with someone
who has seen your soul?
How do you go back to being strangers
with someone who used to spend every moment
of everyday with?
But seeing you,
answered all my questions.

Can't you see the signs?
Couldn't you see I was losing myself to the darkness?
I know I didn't reach out
I know I didn't open up
But I tried to show through
one way or another.
Because no matter
how hard i tried to disguise it,
I wanted someone to see the
pain and reach out.
Some of you did care,
but no one showed enough care

But who am I to blame,
I didn't show myself enough care .
I should've cared enough for myself
to not give up on myself.

I should've relied on myself,
rather only on others.
To care enough of myself,
but now I've gone to sleep
and I see no save.

For her mind whispers
to her soul to end
itself.

Summer is coming,
the sun will glare,
heat will radiate,
flip flops will be out,
tans will be tattooed on bare skin,
sunglasses out to shade,
sp lotions to shield,
happiness beaming through the curved-wide smiles,
water will be splashed
and the sand will burn
like hot coals on the soles of the feet
for it will be  beach season once again.

She was a sweet chaos
hiding behind a delicate rose.

Taste the world;
with every dish
that brings such a bliss.

Let your receptors explore,
the burning sensation of spice;
the tingling sensation of sour.

Allow your tongue to be coated
in the cotton candy sweetness.

Take crusty bites between your teeth
letting it explode into a thousand little pieces -
dancing inside your mouth.

Allow the citrusy undertones
to trigger serotonin
and curve the edges of your mouth.

Allow your brain to relish
your taste buds to embellish
as your hunger diminishes.

Technology created for mass connection
Makes me lose my ability to interact
Immersing me in cyber sea
Leaving me detached from reality.

It makes me connected to the world online
But divides me from reality
It makes me click click
Tap tap
And scroll my life away.

Dear technology,
You replaced my emotions with emoticons
Voice with fonts
Love with likes
Compliments with comments.

You make distance seem so close
But you have no sense of touch
For you overrode internet connection over soul connection
You gave me a list of friends, yet I feel so alone.

You made me believe in a world all of your own
Pictures to prove their existence
Status to update me on their life
And a message to make me feel connected.

We don’t put a label on it
Because we don’t want to fit
And commit.

We keep it fun and chill;
Nothing serious
No consequences
No future
Nothing romantic
Trying to keep it platonic.

Doesn’t it sound ironic?
Because I am frantic
About you, boy.

Trying to be ice cold
Pretending we are something,
when we’re nothing.
I am losing my mind.

You play these games
Trying to make me insecure
About all these other girls.

So I play along
Because it’s love,
Maybe not long lasting
But real.

But we’re just spiraling
No end; not infinite
I guess I can not pretend
For I don’t want to be this type of girl.

I want to us to burn;
Our hearts to yearn
Our souls to learn.

I want attachment,
Security and stability.
I want it to be long lasting
And not a temporary fling

You shone out of nowhere,
in the everlasting depths of darkness,
reaching out,
and stealthily pulling me to the light.

My emotions began changing
ever so swiftly
with the every pump of the heart.

My eyes blinding with such brightness and joy
For I wonder was it because of you
or the world now I saw?

But, then you left
for there were many who walked in this world,
Even when alone,
I thanked you for showing me another world,
Feel the depths of happiness
and the light which lit my skin.
But solitude in the world of
happiness was not my place.

Then came my old friend,
darkness that lured me back in
'Welcome back'
for it wrapped me in its comfort
And said 'here you are to stay'

There are days,
when I feel emotionally overwhelmed
with negativity.
I start to notice the hesitancy
in people's voices,
I start reading and interpreting
between lines.
I start to notice all the
negative intricacies that can hurt me
and over analyze to have found myself
creating chaos within myself.

It is during those days,
do I feel drained that I don't
have the energy to positively
reinforce my own thoughts.

These are the days,
I need reassurance,
perspective change
from someone, other
than myself.

The name of it left buzzing malls empty,
sanitizers out of stock,
masks and hygiene products booming.

It revolutionized responses to sneezes
from bless you to get away from me.
It shut down schools and flights
bringing governments to its knees.

It snatched sleep from health workers,
that now risk their lives every day to be
the hustle towards the cure of it.

It declined stock markets,
dissipated jobs like
they were a mere nothing.

It ticked off the many goals of our buckets list
by travelling across the world,
and leaving the world impacted.

It disconnected touch,
grafted face masks onto people.
But wait, France is this a veil you’ll ban as well?

It revolutionized greetings,
made many of us home bounded –
is this the final push to making every inch of our lives digitalised?

As for the kids,
the final teachings of their doctors,
teachers and parents is put to work;
they’re finally washing their hands.

It arrives uninvited.
Quietly seeping in like toxic gas,
suffocating and poisoning
any thought etched with love,
leeching its happiness.

It unpacks anxieties,
dressing me in layers of loathing;
scraping insecurities
to let it rage on my being.

It gently coaxes my mind
painting every thought a shade darker
letting it heavy
myself to detachment.

It purrs and studies
getting comfortable;
morphing reality into a self made purgatory.

Slacking and barely coping with the pace of reality,
it tears fibers to root itself
allowing it to grow with every beat
leaving no energy to breathe.

Emptiness
Loneliness
Detachment
Stillness
are all back,
heaving my eyelids
leaving a trail of labels
down to my chin.

Until my hollow structures
implode into dark matter
leaving me one with the abyss.

Front and center of it all
I am a big burning,
bright gas ball.

Planets spin around my girth,
Like Saturn, Mars,
Venus and Earth.

I am the one that rises
you in the morning
and leaves you stunned
by my leave.
I am the one
who blazes and scorches
and at times
hides behind the clouds.

Even though
I am 149.6 million km away
I am still there to
light your world
and keep you warm.

At the age of 10,
I enter a world manipulated by a smooth console
with knobs to weave myself into a different skin
level up with every ****,
and move with a certain skill.
At the age of 12,
I open a world stacked on my shelf.
Some world lying there parched like the desert,
accumulating dust and letting its texture fray away.
Whereas some lie there with their syllables
paving roads to adventure
and intoxicating the air with its tropic odor.
At the age of 14,
I scroll myself into another world;
where vision is pixelated
and lighting is perfect.
Instagram and Snapchat are the societies that exist,
ranking your position with the followers you keep.
Endorphins are the taps you receive
and filters are what you apply before you leave.
At the age of 16,
I pick up the VR goggles
and sleep under lucid rainbows
and a different constellation.
Everything is under my control,
the timezone;
a stimulation that feels so real.
At the age of 18,
I meet people of different hues,
discovering new worlds in them.
With different nations weaved on their skin,
and composition of carbon, nitrogen, spice and sweet ever so different in them.

Time is slipping.
moments are fading,
deadlines are approaching
and emotions are changing.

Everything is
modifying,
dimming,
evolving
and reforming.

It's a tightening feeling in the chest
that catches my breath.
But then I exhale
letting it loose.

Life is moving forward,
days are coming close,
anxiety is getting worse
and I don't feel prepared.

But I have today,
I have this moment,
I can make something of this time.
Little by little,
day by day,
it will be alright.

I am tired of
the constant cycle of
aching and faking,
hurting and feeling,
breaking and healing,
fixing and mending,
It's like a never ending cycle,
and I am just tired.

The whispers of tomorrow
tainted the marble walls as
the ones in the room painted
different shades and visuals
of their tomorrow.

The one with their hand jittery,
spine made of anxiety
stutter with their fear coated tongue,
the bouncing and rebounding words of
the chaos and panic of the heart;
the thought of uncertainty that
tomorrow dawns upon them.

As the word tomorrow is passed
on like a parcel amongst the ones sitting
the one with their pupils radiant
paints yellow and white
the hope a new day brings upon,
whereas the ambitious shouts
that she is a day closer to her goals
as she stands armored with passion and dreams.

The students have tomorrow
tattooed on their tongue,
a word that never comes
but morphs itself into the word procrastination.

But when it comes to me,
the moon dissolves into the sun
and the sun dissolves into the moon
as my yesterday, today and tomorrow become the same;
the shades of my life are painted all the same.

To the person
whose fierce loyalty
brings comfort.

Whose embracing hug
turns my hurricanes
into a whiff of wind.

The person who's my emotional crutch
on the struggling of days.
And the life vest
when I am drowning in pain.

To the person whose vibrant of all hues,
the bliss in my blues.
The shelter from torrential rain
And escape from my aching pain.

The listener
of my stirring experiences
and muddled-darkened thoughts.

The one
Who's ear is made of patient-empathetic cells
And words of underlying calmness
that seeps deep into the depth of my bones
and soothes my soul.

With you
Best moments are
Exponentially happier;
Much more vivid and illuminated
Worst times made bearable
And Infinitely less nerve-wracking.

You are my go-to
at any point of day.
The Christina to my Meredith
And the star of my Starbucks visits.

I am grateful to be
deeply embedded in your heart
as you are in mine.
To be your sanctuary
As I am yours.

You’re acting so cold,
Sending chills through my bones.
You’re acting so bold,
That it sounds like a scold.

I knew who you were from the start  
But now I don’t know who you are anymore.
Maybe it’s just a phase
Because of all the pain you endured.

But brick by brick
the towers have grown tall
And I can’t see you at all.

I am trying to find a worn area,
I am trying to find a window
To the softness that once existed
Because it feels like
there is nothing between us at all.

Your language is empathy
Your power is vehemence.
You have a searing pursuit of understanding
and the ability arouse curiosity.

Conversing with you is like
naming stars,
creating constellation with them
It is observing the intricacy, profundity and complexity of this world;
Delving deeper into the ocean
and a black hole of unexplored matter
as you paint extravagant pictures with words.

You made me feel heard
the days I was mute
Seen,
the days I was invisible.

Thank you for asking me what I thought,
for making me feel it mattered.
Thank you for reaching out,
when I needed it the most.
Thank you for inspiring me
to be vocal about my thoughts and passions.
Thank you for being an integral
part of the person I am today.
Thank you for brewing the oceanic-galactic tea.

You stripped my self worth,
dragged me into an ocean of fear,
left me feeling impure and touched.

I wish I could feel
innocent and pure once more.
I wish I could shed
this skin along with my past away.

To write,
was to embrace all the waves
that you kept off the shore.

To write,
was to embrace the thoughts
you shoveled down
so they wouldn't have the power to hurt you.

To write,
was to feel liberated
of your shackles and confinement.

To write,
was to find yourself
navigating towards
your own thoughts
and emotions that you
kept away for so long.

To write,
was to feel once more
and be brought back to yourself.

From one country to another.
From one air to another.
From one heart to another.
I settle down from the sky to the ground.

I miss the people back home,
I miss the familiarity
I reminisces the beauty of the place
I called home.
It takes time to settle
my emotions
and life.

But then as I roam,
I fall in love with the intricacies.
I see the hidden beauty of the country.
As I meet people,
I start building homes in their heart.
And as I breathe the air,
I start to feel like this is home.

But as soon as I felt I was settling in,
when I was finally falling in love,
I have to leave.  

I feel my deep intertwined roots in
people's hearts being pulled away.
I feel my heart breaking into pieces
as my hesitant hellos
become aching goodbyes.

My heart has become a hollow,
transitioning swiftly from emotional
to emotionless.

I feel alone once more,
as I depart from the ground back to the sky.
But I know, this cycle would repeat once more.

My thoughts are on a merry go round,
churning my mind in perpetual cycles
till it has been named chaos.

A certain memory rings in my ear,
deafening out the world;
as it climbs and slithers down my spine
echoing through the hollow shell I've become.

A masterpiece of intricate mosaic
A beauty underlied with chaos
She lets them see,
What she wants them to see.

Like the sun my mind sets,
like the moon my heart comes in power
;
the emotion filled tides
rising and crashing.
Like a waterfall my emotions flow,
like a volcano words escape.

Suppressed emotions unveiled

letting words with no logic escape
for the words are true,

the emotions are pure

allowing the ones around me
to hear my secrets as they divulge
,
catch a glimpse of vulnerability , raw and honesty

that are veiled by the morning light.

My heart was falling
But you were not there to catch.
For what I felt were
Heartaches instead of butterflies
Cries instead of a smile
All pain and suffering;
that is what unrequited love had.

Every fiber of cell yearned
Every nerve created sensation
Couldn't you feel the connection?

Blue is its tune
with no reciprocation.
A love so lonely
Everything so one sided
and oblivious to you.

These thoughts have no voice
As they rot in my mind
poisoning my body
as they flow through my veins.
But they are safer here
than in the hands of others.

Inflicted hallmark of love on this day
Pink and red everywhere.
Heart filters virtually viraling everywhere.
Teddybears, roses, and chocolates handed from one hand to another.
A special word of kindness said,
small surprises, paper hearts, and friendly notes sprinkled everywhere.

I love you, not only for who you are but who I am with you.
I love you for the part of me you bring out.
I love you for the dose of sunshine,
for the comfort to my fears and gathering of rainbows and releasing them to my sky.
I am glad to have a friend like you.