Before you
Back when
Bottomless trenches
Coerced with whatever was left
With lullabies as morose as
the winds that we believed
gave us the frozen whip and
brought us back to life.
With what voice has ensued
me to regret each decision that has led
me further away from you.
Still-struck by a twitch of sparks
that was created in the midst of my agony

Before you
Back when
Foundations collided with fools
A casual wreckage betwixt the hate
A self loathing beyond measure
Broken and
Bedridden unto forgiveness
Willing and waiting for failure
that has justified my roots
And condemned us to pointlessness
Unable to remember
Which shattered memories built the love
That has sadly
Sunk into the abyss

Before you
Back when
I can’t tell which was then
And which one follows
the intentional pursuit to happiness
That we juggled with our bodies
While love making had a purpose
And finding ourselves in souls we
deemed liable
Can never be forgotten
Yet I must choose
To remember something else

Before you
Back then
Hell is nothing more than a passing
A stop in which I got off
And never returned
Yet I can’t deny you of such an illness

This highs gonna crash eventually
I soar higher in the levity
The last dredges of feeling
burning
and ends travel from me so quickly
but the colors are so entertaining
pretty colors and unheard voices
Mutter mutter “go away”
“just take a quick climb and fly”
“they all hate you anyway”
another hit, another ****, pop a little dope
back in the sky, medicating till i can cope
voices receding, mind is deleting
cannot keep this up, next time i crash could be the last
here come the voices again louder, killing me with my past

The world was water
And I was fire
With each unbelievable obstacle
My flames grew higher

But you were my fuel
My burning desire
Now with every day
My wood grows dryer

Yet the water snuffs it
And my flames grow tired

You’re drowning yourself,
In fear and doubt,
But too scared to sink,
So you held out one arm,
Waiting for someone to reach it,
To pull you up,
And it hurts to feel,
No touch on your cold skin.

A tragedy indeed,
Ocean of tears,
With no boat around,
Only your feet,
To keep you afloat,
A death wish,
Partially committed.

Deleting my feelings

But you know what it is.
I've always done it myself.
So why would I want help.

What if one bad day turns into two bad days

And two bad days become seven bad days

One week becomes a month and before you know it you are a year further, although every day seems to last forever

What if the words 'it gets better' no longer have any value

What if fighting for something that never seems to come is no longer possible

What if it gets better but I have already given up

What if I go on but it never gets better

I just need someone who says how long it will take

Or someone who says when I can stop

“Listen to your heart”
“Follow your dreams”
That’s what people have said to me
But I don’t know what I want
And I don’t know who I am
I feel trapped in my mind
without a clue of what to do

So I pick up the blade and contemplate life
because I’m lost and in despair
My mind has a messed up way of telling me
that one cut will make me feel better
But all I’m left with is the guilt and shame
So I put away the scissors and crawl into bed
There’s work to do and people to meet
But I sink deeper into depression
I won a battle but lost another

It’s where we smoked our cigarettes
because we were already living for way too long
but we never jumped of the roof

we only let the smoke
burn our lungs from inside out
and wanted death to come closer slowly.

Today was such a good day.
“why don’t you just die?!”
I’m not even that tired.
“Stop lying to yourself.”
I can’t believe I woke up early.
“why don’t you slit your wrists when you get home.”
And I still have all this energy.
“Nobody loves you.”
Ooohhh it’s almost Christmas!
“You have no one.”
Time flew by so fast!
“They’ll get over your death.”
It’s almost my birthday too!
“Your existence is pointless.”
I sure am getting old!
“You have nothing to live for.”
I am slowly dying. jeez.
“Why don’t you just die then?!”