L 7h
One-year sober
relationship hoarder
hates himself
and everyone else
yet
is not able to kill himself
You know sometimes I feel like I'm slipping
I can feel it coming
Its presence obvious by the steps echoing down the hall
Its wearing heels today
I knew I should have put carpet down instead of tile
Maybe this feeling wouldn't be so daunting then
But I know I'm slipping
Back into the headspace where nothing makes sense
Back where I can smile but it is only sketched and not carved
Back where solace is my favorite company
Back to where I hate being but somehow always end up
I know I'm slipping
I promise I'm looking for a handrail
A countertop
A ledge
Something that will catch me or at least buffer the fall a little
I'm slipping over here
I guess they forgot to put out the wet floor sign
I will never win this lawsuit though
I'm clumsy
I slipped
English Jam Apr 2
This desolate road seems forever long
And my worn feet will carry me through the ruin
All alone, but if you had heard my song
You might just understand why I’m doing
Maybe I’m the strongest person of us all
Maybe you’re used to me being alone
But that doesn’t mean that when I take a fall
I can survive, live on my own

Noticing someone else’s suffering is hard
Wrapped up in your troubles, with an aching heart
But if you open your eyes, you’ll see a man apart
If you can call me a man, I guess

Walking round with an unchanged expression
Ducking and keeping away from the deed
You might think it’s all to get attention
And you’re right, but that’s what I need
I knew a group of people whom my heart held dear
I loved them, and I love them still
But they weren’t there for me in my time of fear
Now I’m not gonna bend my will

How many days of quiet can I keep?
How many hours can I lay and dream?
How long can I hide away and weep?
Before you realise I’m not at best

So it’s time to say fare thee well
Don’t know where I’m strolling in my daze to
Just gonna follow my path down the well
See if it’s someplace new
So I’ve thought it through and through again
No pleading will make me change my head
Maybe, before, if I had a friend
But now, it’s too late to hear what I’ve said

The love I have for you will always burn
But my back’s to you, and I’ll always turn
If you haven’t figured it out, you’ll never learn
I want a hug, but I’m drowning in my sleepiness
My attempt at doing something Bob Dylan-ish and using my suicidal thoughts productively all at once
Shrouded in fear and darkness,
The light of the night,
Nothing,
Absolutely nothing,
It's the darkness,
Erasing my memories,
Until the are silent screams in the void,
The void being my mind,
Like the suicidal thoughts,
Wishes,
But they're all gone,
Along with me too.
Questions carry in the wind
asking for a simple explanation
for what's holding me down.
I don't have one.

How do I tell them
that I've lost all motivation,
that I don't feel anything anymore,
that I'm just numb,
that scars line my arms,
that I'm desperate to feel anything
even if it's pain?

How do I explain
that in a room full of people
I still feel alone,
that a friendly face
no longer feels friendly,
that I'm alone on a boat
drifting through an endless sea?

How do I say to them
that everything has lost meaning,
that there isn't a shred of joy in me,
that everything I do feels mundane,
that I'm on autopilot,
that I'm just going through the motions?

How do I face my little sister
and say to her
that I want to leave her behind,
that she'll be on her own,
that she won't be able to come to me,
that she'll no longer have me
to comfort her,
that I won't be there?

How do I look my mother in the eye
and tell her that the child she brought
into this world is desperate for a
way out of it?

Questions carry on the wind
asking for a simple explanation
for what's holding me down.
7/17/18
Manny 4d
Take this knife away from me
Because Cutting doesn't help me anymore
Take my pills and booze as well
That I keep stored up in my drawer
I've tried living in a daze
But my wounds are feeling sore
My head is spinning round and round
I'm still as lost as I was before
My life is going nowhere fast
And I just can't take it anymore
I wish that I could rest in peace
But all I know is war

I am broken, I am scared
Surrounded by people and still alone
My heart is calloused, barely beating
Chills run deep within my bones
I'e been angry and gone screaming
But no one seems to hear me moan
I am crying, slowly dying
Everyone's been fooled by a smile
I have shown
My best friend doesn't have a physical body
I feel her more than my own skin sometimes.
She tends to come and go as she pleases--
It's always unpredicatble and univited
but I always feel obligated to cater to her needs
like a good hostess should to their guest

It gets old so quickly
I don't even want to get up and cook breakfast for her anymore
so we starting eating out
until its too hard to even leave the house
so she tells me that we can stay in bed and have sleepovers like the good old times
I don't remember those times

She likes to play with my hair
she's not very good at it though
it always ends up in tangles and knots that take
hours and days to brush out once she leaves
because undoing her handiwork would make her sad

I try to tell her sometimes that her being here is too much
it starts to affect my job
my life
my health

I try to get her to leave
I've been here so long she says
just a little longer she says
what would you do without me she says
I'll just move in she says

She's my best friend but--
she wont pay rent
she has never been a friend to hygiene
she doesn't know how to do laundry
or cook
or clean
she'd rather lay around all day than hold down a job

I want her to go
I want her to go
Why won't she go
Wow its beautiful today
jump in the ocean
The wind is warm and soothing on my skin
jerk the wheel, fly off the bridge
Wow i love him
slit your wrists in the tub
Oh my friends are so lovely
they only want you to die
Maybe i should close my eyes
forever you say
No
Not forever
Forever and a day
The day i can be free to play
The day i breathe my last
The day i dont fear the reaper
youre to full of cowardess
Maybe it is as you say
it is, now listen carefully
Maybe it isnt as you say
no way, listen to what i speak
We all wanna die
Sometimes
Or so Im told
Its not sometimes
Its everyday
Fighting in my mind
Collapsing slowly with time
Lily 7d
“Why didn't you tell me you were hurting?”
She asked, with tears in her eyes.
“I didn't want to burden you,”
He answered quietly,
His eyes boring a hole in the ground.
What he really wanted to say was,
“I wanted to see how long it took you to notice.”
This numb feeling
Isn’t the kind you get before surgery.
No, not at all.
This is the kind of numbness where
Every emotion
Is ripped away from you.
Nobody warns you about this.
There is no “You’ll feel a little pinch… Ready?”
There is only a sudden punch in the gut,
Rip in your chest,
Knife in your heart, pulling out every emotion slowly.
At first you don’t even realize what’s happening.
But then you know.
You know how it feels to
Feel nothing at all.
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