Every time I close my eyes I watch a 1000 tragedies pass before them This is the curse of those with the unimaginable imagination Every worry Every doubt Every fear for everyone I have ever loved Becomes a full-length movie I am forced to watch Every time I try to rest or close my eyes or even think Every time I am arguing and screaming and yelling against these imagined worlds I have to repeat the mantra:
It's not real This is not real
I have to force myself into cognitive lucid day dreaming Some new framework from someone else's fantasy That's happy Where people love me and care Then I wake up I sit alone at home every night hoping I don't wake up from this dream That these worlds can be real But I know One day the ones I fear most Will be real
Hold On! Take a breathe
It's not real It's not real It's just a story Aren't we all stories?
Are you ok? No, I'm not But its none on your concern Leave me alone I'm always alone No matter who's here
I have been so scarred by those who claim to love me That I do not believe anything they say Only when I see them actually act. But, if I have to tell them that Then I am forcing them into showing they care Then, do they really? Or do they feel obligated? I don't care for those I do, because I have to, because I'm required to I do not expect something in return But I want it SO badly
And the problem is that if I tell them this It becomes about me And this is not about me I'm a parent My life stopped being mine when he was born But what about ME?
You should just let sleeping bears lie Because this one can't sleep alone at night anymore With his head so crowded with worlds full of travesty
I am so ******* angry all the time At myself for letting myself feel this way For needing someone else
I can't I just can't anymore.
But I still do I'm tethered to a web of fake memories and sins I know are not real
It's not real It's not real
It's a ghost story that haunts but with no substance no form no unfinished business no one ever conducts ANY actual business
I am alone in the light of day At night the endless voices scream out in silence
It is better for me to ignore you than to unleash what I keep trapped inside I care too much For you to have to face that monster Staying away is protecting you If I ever let out what's in there It will destroy you
It's the mask I wear so I don't crack into a million pieces And take all of my worlds with me
STOP You can stop right there Forward stop having meaning years ago When you lied to me and said, "I love you" You actually want to show you care You're going to have to try harder And if the effort isn't there Then your actions will speak for you What you say No longer does
I scream, WHY!" in chorus with my radio WHY? I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse Why do I feel this way?
It's not real It's not real
What world am I in? Is this one real? Where do I exist? Do I exist?
My dear, I am writing you from the depths of my solitude, to ease your worried heart and mind. Loneliness has been gnawing at my terrified flesh as of late. Yet, my only wish is to remain alone. Unseen and untouched. I think this is joy, or the illusion of it. But I am content at this very moment. I promise.
You might think that I am slowly sinking. That I will soon reach the bottom of the ocean, and you fear it is too dark and solitary there. That I might not survive my own madness— not this time, not by myself. That I cannot swim nor do I intend to learn. That I willingly gave my body to Poseidon as a peace offering. That I finally made my peace— not with God, but with a god nonetheless. That I am all swallowed up. That I will not see you again. That I will die lamenting your forgotten smile. That Azrael, the angel of death, weeps over my doom. That I have died long ago— But how can a corpse feel such emotions? How do I tell my stubborn heart that it is not beating for you any longer? How do I comfort my frantic soul by lulling it to an eternal sleep? —And if so then tell me, my dearest one, don’t I deserve serenity, too? After burning for a decade, yearning for a safe haven. Do you think I finally deserve to rest?