allie 1d

your touch
makes sparks
f
         l
                         y
and throws away my conclusion.
i can't help loving you
because you are blood.
i can't help hating you
because of your actions.

your embrace
makes me want to
d
             r
      e
                           a
                                                 m
and dance
then roll around in
          l
                 o
                         p
                e
         s

but i can't,
now can i.
your damn love
is making me pay
and forcing me to break
the remaining shatters of my life.





. . .




i know i said i'm not thinking about it.
but how can i not?
it's so appealing.
everything gone in an instant.
so easy.
so simple.
the glass that sticks into my palms disappears,
along with the bruises.
the cuts.
the scars.
i just wish that

someone would listen.

i wrote this late at night, when my darkest thoughts come out.

These times aren't easy,
And I keep struggling inside.
Now my failures are open for you to see,
But I want you to know that I tried.

Life seemed so monotonous;
But you never bothered to ask me why.
Fate is a bottomless pit getting bigger as I climb;
But I want you to know that I tried.

There are things I never said that I regret.
Times that I thought about lies.
All those memories I wanted to forget;
But I want you to know that I tried.

Now I'm blamed for all that is wrong;
But where were you when I cried.
This is my final note and it won't be too long;
Why can't you see that I tried?

she asked me what the ocean felt like,
and i talked about elegant waves,
crystal clear water and
holding star fish
in the palms of my hands

if she asked me again, i think
i would've talked about
the disappointment
that comes from being surrounded by water
but never drowning

the suicidal swimmer longs
for his lungs to soak up the ocean

i am not yours to pursue,
nobody's to claim, to obsess over
you do not have the right to ignore my declination
nor to see my rejection as a challenge;
i am not a game or a puzzle
if you think my "no" is a jigsaw piece fitted in the wrong place
there for you to move and arrange
again and again
until you finally hear "yes"
then you are too much a child for my liking
too much about the conquest and not enough about the person.
my "no" will not be manipulated into a "yes",
you cannot play me into your hands

i am not a gamer, i am an artist
i will sketch thicker lines, make my "no" bolder
NO
i will add more tone, make it sterner
add more shade, allow my anger to cast shadows over your reputation
and it will not be hard to outline your true colours:
you've already revealed so many.
i don't need to paint you as a villain; you have done that much yourself
you too are an artist, in your own right...
you've smudged your lines so much, you've crossed boundaries.
your so-called love is not delicate pink―it is blood red and sticky.
your so-called affections leech the grey from my palette
and leave me seeing you in black and white.
oh, there's not much white, not much innocence
you are an all-consuming black; your desire to swallow me whole is abyssal

i will not be the reference of your portraits,
you cannot draw me in
your kind of passion disgusts me; you are not a true artist.
there'll be no soft brushes between us,
only sharp edges of craft knives
as i carve into your determination and soften that hardened clay
into something i can mould and shape,
something i can twist away from me.
six years is a long time for something to be set in stone
but i have a sledgehammer will and i refuse to feel backed into the corners
of your lustful foundations.
i do not wish to be a masterpiece in your eyes any longer.
i never asked you to admire me.
i will not be hung on your wall.

Boys go through this shit, too. I did. Twice.

one minute i feel like i'm fine
the next, i couldn't care less if i live or die
i wonder if this is what it's like
to exist without living

my eyes are tired and
your arms are closed
i look up at the ceiling and i'm alone
it's too cold in this home

my eyes won't close 'cause i can't sleep
your arms won't open 'cause you don't care about me

i stopped looking both ways before i cross the street
you started looking at the colours in the sky
those things i used to love became the sparkles in your eyes
my reasons for living faded like sunset into night

i want to die

written in 2015 about my ex-girlfriend that emotionally abused me
mateo 3d

Eenie meenie miny mo
which to choose
and which to go
Which to leave
and which to grow

Eenie meenie miny mo
which to lose
this is too slow
this is too much
which to bestow

Eenie meenie miny mo
I can't choose this
I can't bellow
I'm stuck here
Very hollow

Eenie meenie miny mo
which to choose
for me to go
I need to leave
all of this woe

Eenie meenie miny

no

sky as grey as my dreams
it's spring but winter clings
my hands are always cold,
my arms goose pimpled
and I sit in a t-shirt
doing nothing about it,
this chill that lingers
on my skin, in my bones

don't touch me with your
warm hands
I don't deserve the heat,
let me freeze over into ice
and push me under sea,
sky as grey as my dreams
it's spring but winter clings
I'll soak up the salt water
drown myself to peace

it's been a wild ride, one of those roller coasters that make you sick every time
but the thrill is worth the nights spent shivering over buckets at the edge of your bed
and you've given me more downward plunges than anyone has, anyone since her
but the crawl to the top was so slow that i thought i loved the drop more
i've always lived fast, too reckless, too uncaring of my own worth
and staring down into oblivion as it steamed and smoked was its own kind of drug;

as a kid i was scared of darkness but that ride made me feel alive
i just had to close my eyes when it got dark, but eventually i got so used to darkness
i didn't have to close my eyes at all, and it took me too long to realise
your drug was not a medicine, there were no doctors writing you down on a prescription
i picked you up from slumming with the wrong crowd and injected you into my veins
just like you tempted me to do so, and now i'm feeling low from living high

the cost of euphoria is way too much, and now i know i'm dying inside
it's in the unhealthy coping mechanisms and the days spent wasting away in bed,
the bruises under my eyes and the way i chew through half the fridge
then spend three days eating nothing but the grounds left at the bottom of a coffee mug
don't get me wrong, there were times where you and i were so, so good but the cost of
living high is a debt i'll be paying for the next twenty years of my life - if i survive that long

skye 7d

its strange to know that when my heart lays still that it won't matter at all.
that time won't stop because of me, that people will forget eventually.
and, yes, people will cry;
but they'll learn to live without me by their side.
i'll just be a memory that's hides so far back in their skulls that they won't even be able to imagine what life would be if i were still alive.

i'm at that point
where death is an embrace
and i crave that cold love,
but the birds are singing
their beautiful song
and it's nearly five am.

i wanna go outside
and be with them,
listen more closely
in the chill of early morning
as i pretend
it never crossed my mind:
one hundred ways to die.

they pause
and i frown against tears

please sing for me again
because i,
i don't know how to live
and your song keeps me
dreaming, of freedom
and escape
from Death's cold embrace

don't let me
stop to think
of how warm cold love might be;
do not let me
wonder about the way
Death loves me

i'm at that point
where death is an embrace
and i crave that cold love,
but the birds stopped singing
their beautiful song
and it's nearly five am.

my loved ones' dependency
is the only thing left
for me to cling on

my life: a responsibility.
good thing i'm responsible.

04:59
i'm waiting for number five

...

05:00

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