"How are you?", she asks
her eyes gathered upon sincere worry
"Fine," I reply with a tight grit smile mask,
which was unrealistic and lying --
for this I say sorry.
"Are you OK?", as he gazes across my striped red arm,
scabbed with souvenirs from the past;
"Oh, it was my cat," awakening from my drooling daze,
quickly fixing my mismatched clothing,
tugging on my cast.
"What are you writing?", they stare at my laptop,
I tone my music deaf as I turned around to witness a dozen
different eyes locked on my screen as I switched it off,
realisation dawned upon me
that my terrible situation had worsen.
"What are you doing?!", they shout from below,
they stole and gobbled up my happiness like a cannibalistic eater,
"You can't help me, not anymore," I whisper through the willow,
'Take my soul and rip out my heart'
-- to my dearest Grim Reaper.
suffocated by a tide of heartbreak and loss I find myself laying restless with a clouded mind and thoughts of only twisted self destruction.
Alone within 4 small walls where I let myself rot and decay.
Each day brings a sunrise I could not see, I spent 4 months sleeping my life away.
So many tears I cried my room became a swimming pool and I could no longer swim.
Drowning deeper and deeper into my own sorrows, I could barely keep my head above water.
If I was destined to die lonely but unfortunate to never successfully die my grey mind thought of other ways to cope with this.
Digging my nails into dirt,
with bloodshot eyes and shaking hands.
There was no longer a light for me to see so I dug deeper to find darkness.
Within the bottom of every bottle, within the dreams of every drug induced nightmare, within the hands and bodies of men that I feared more than my abuser,
I found things far worse than death.
My therapist told me that feeling more than the normal human being is a blessing but no matter what I feel it burned my skin and aches my bones.
I tried to carve out my emotions with the weakness of a blade and only found myself laced in cold sweats and guilt.
I tried to block my emotions by hurting those close to me but it would take the demise of 10 men for me to find any sense of solace.
I apologised to the ones I love, only a few forgave me.
How many psychiatric appointments will it take for someone to finally find the fault in my brain.
How many hours do I have to spend vomiting my trauma into the hands of strangers.
The hangover of pain is lasting years longer than It should.
My stomach is fragile, my limbs are lifeless.
I'm growing tiresome of this.
My chaos left like an early autumn storm but those grey clouds still linger overhead.
Sunshine came for a day or two,
But now it's been raining for months.
I now lay in a vegetative state,
I am no longer nothing more than garden waste.
But if you'd care to try planting me,
we can see if I bloom next year into something a little more green.
We've been trying for 4 years now and I only seem to rot.
I do not blame you for abandoning me in the bottom of your vegetation plot.
So i stand in front of a boy i never gave up on
Til now, you're taking my strength when i need to stay strong
It's like watching a creation from a test tube; experiment
Only less of a man and more of a little princess!
I took punches to the face for you, prove my f!@#$%ng loyalty!
You just stood there, proof that in return you'd do f@#k all for me!
It's like when I needed you most you was standing, walking dead
Hopeless and far from helpful in your own battles, yet again!
For months I've tried dragging a dead weight out from his own grave
That with his own hands and borrowed strength he decided once he'd made
Yet how can you pull something that refuses to move
It's not that he's stuck for f@#k sake, he just doesn't want to!
Doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school
Instead lives in a van in his backyard and refuses to move
Or do anything as a matter of fact, just cry over his last love
You've all the time and i think I've heard enough!
Of hearing how she's your everything, wake up dude you're fifteen
I get you get feelings to but you're sounding like a lusty love machine!
All i hear nowadays is how you're so f@#$ing depressed
Suicidal like it's vital to take anger out on your own chest!
You could have been the best, beaten every test
You have a brain for Christ's sake, stop talking about Death
Like he's your best friend, that was me but now i gotta let go
Of someone i held out for, who cries for help but only cries for soap
Make a reality show out of it, a helpless little man
I had such hope where did it go i just don't f@#$ing UNDERSTAND!!
it is much more than darkness
it is a world
something is keeping me here
the smell of desperation rots the air that fills my lungs full
the ashes of my past fall like rain
I am existing here
but not living there
shadows surround me standing in mockery
are they keeping me here?
they have no face but I can feel them
looking at me
I can hear them laughing at me
"You'll never get out."
"You'll never make it out alive."
"You'll never be like them."
while the earth feels uninhabitable for someone in my state of being
I search the darkness for meaning