There is nothing of myself I wanted to hold onto
That I have not let go
There is nothing of others I wanted to let go
That I have not held onto

Pagan Paul Mar 21

When the feelings run and hide
and when there is nothing left inside.
I cannot even begin to disguise
the fact that I have cemetery eyes.

An empty shell, a carcass, a husk,
autonomic movement from dawn to dusk.
I will not allow my emotions to rise
and bring back life to my cemetery eyes.

There are words I just cannot repeat,
questions and probing, an enforced retreat.
The shutters fall, there is no compromise,
nobody sees behind my cemetery eyes.

© Pagan Paul (2016)

old poem.

winter sky
the passing road, unshaded--up
lids falling

My attempt at Sabi. Its definition here: an understatement hinting at great depths.

I used to try to extract as much pleasure as I could out of life
Like extracting juice from a lemon,
But I've learned to step back a little bit.
Sometimes, just watching the World go by
Is more enjoyable than trying to hard to benefit from It.

The Disconnected Man
Tends to notice the Stunner.....
The Woman whose beauty
Exceeds that of all others
In a particular locale.
If I was engaged in Conversation with someone,
I would not feel so tempted
To perceive a woman as a goddess,
When I'm all by myself,
The Woman with exceptional looks
Helps me to stay focussed
And feel less alone.

i became apathetic at the age of 8
when I found out my best friend was a liar.
i lost faith in people at such a young age.
from then on i was detached; i cared about very little.
i still don't to this day.
i'll get excited about something and after just a short while i lose interest.
there's a few things i care about but give it a minute and that will fade away.
when it comes down to it,
i don't care about the things i have or don't have.
i don't care what i do with my life
i don't care what happens to me.
i feel nothing inside.
they say apathy is a precursor to a full-blown deep depression.
that must mean i've been on the cusp my whole life.
apathy is insidious.
it's eaten away at me for years.
it's gotten worse since i lost everyone i ever cared about.
i need a reason to care again
before all hope is lost.
before i die of heart disease at 65
just like my grandmother did.

as I stood by the river
in the cool darkness of spring
I could feel within it's stillness
a beautiful movement and rhythm one with all life
it carries to the ocean a divine flow of energy
it holds the sky on its surface
and the earth on it's bed
in this moment I realize
the river is life
and I am here to flow
with the natural current
to move and allow change
to rise and fall with the tide of the Moon
to reflect the sky and stars
and to hold the earth within my core
Here and now I am as the River
moving swiftly with grace into oneness.

one from a few years back on a starry night in Maine

I’m walking away from vulnerability and closing my heart off, I’m better off using my heart less.
I was close to the cliff like Clair Huxtable but a part of me felt like jumping off.
I probably look like a fool right now, expressing all my feelings in full right now.
I’m hurting and I know that I’m not perfect; the weight of all these words has gradually become a burden.
You are the words I tried to say when my mouth was shut and my larynx was flooded with silence.
Heartbreak comes in the morning when the sun is shining, when the wind is blowing and my coffee has gone cold.
Forever is a myth and the future is uncertain; the weight of all these words has gradually become a burden.
Somewhere in my heart there’s a void, a void that I hopelessly walk around trying to avoid.
You made letting go seem so easy, detachment was always something you were good at.
I wish that you receive everything that I couldn’t give to you, there’s so much of myself that I could sacrifice.
I hope that it was all worth it – you abandoning the home you’ve made in me.
A friend once told me, “Don’t make homes out of people because they always leave and take everything you own with them.
Or better yet, they stay and ruin everything you’ve worked so hard to build.”

TK Khanh Nov 2016

what does peace mean to you?

let go
don't cling
my brother
are you not

for you to bear the storm
to spare some tears

the calm is coming
tonight or in ten years
an unrivaled friend

This poem is about my brother. He struggles with depression and has suicidal thoughts. On Saturday night he punched some kid in the jaw and broke his hand. After taking him to the doctor today, I was feeling so many things. The first paragraph has to do with me wanting to let go of my attachment to him. we are more than just the body, our souls are eternal. I had to stop myself from saying 'my' or 'me' because that causes attachment which is suffering. The second paragraph explains how family and friends of those who commit suicide. They will tell others not to do it because of the pain it will cause the loved ones. Depression is a disease, where peace is all you want. They are not trying to cause others pain, just trying to release some of their own. The third paragraph is to provide faith. We all have our seasons. Nothing is permanent, the good, the bad, always fleeting. The last line was inspired by my brother explaining to the doctor that he got into an altercation with a 'friend'. This 'friend' is similar to depression. It hides in the darkness and talks shit.
Tu-re-lu Nov 2016

Why am I me? I sometimes ask myself.

Why am I not somebody else?

I could have been anyone, anywhere.

So why am I me, why am I here?

I am who I am, but why?

Will I be someone else after I die?

Why do I look the way I do?

Why am I me and not you?

I am me, but why am I this way?

How come I am alive today?

From all the people I could be

Why am I exactly me?

Personal experience...
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