So much emotion your emotionless Speechless Silent and quiet Hands twisting imitating the spiraling in my brain Being confronted upfront and blunt with all that pain Just numb Anger Fear Pain Hurt TERROR and nothing The endless nothing Screaming at you behind bars Consuming Unending The rage The seething hatred You scream Screaming back WHY WHY ****** WHY ******* ANSWER nothing Always nothing Never an answer Waking up Moving Head in a field of wheat Just a dream Look close at nothing To hurt nothing you would have to reach through bars But bars are there to protect You You put them up You did this You don't want to hurt nothing Nothing is always there for you And you realize Realize nothing is you Behind a bars your own reflection seethes back at you And nothing more
I wanna look as different as I can Than the girl you fell in love with. The "girl next door," With the frizzy brown hair And wide eyes - I don't want to be her anymore.
I want to dye my hair dark green, And get the kind of nose piercing You said you didn't like. I want to either get a beautiful tattoo sleeve, Or An old bald guy smoking a cigar, Tattooed somewhere on my stomach. I want to get some boots and overalls, And maybe start smoking. Hell, I wanna get my **** pierced, As scary as that sounds.
I want to have scars That are visible. I want to wear mascara that runs. On the weekends, I wanna get hammered And bring someone home... Even though it'll make me feel empty. I'd like to quit my fitness center job, And make 20 bucks or so a night Doing drag king gigs. I want to ruin my family's opinion of me By coming out.
I don't care if I'm seen as crazy. All I want is distance, Pushing the life I used to love To the other side of the globe. I want to get lost if I go looking for it, Unsure of which wind will take me there. I need to launch it so far into the void That it stops existing.
I've got to get away from The life I used to love with you. Otherwise, I'll be drowning in my sorrow forever.
Take four and make mistakes, wake in the morning to check that your fingers are attached to the undeniable spot where your hands end. Watch the clock in case it stops; Dislodge the plaque behind your gums and scream in silence at reflection-you. Tick tock. Script the helix and watch it spiral, dipped in mothers’ milk, everyone, gather round for the epiphany T-minus twelve days. Creation calls. Victor Frankenstein here? Making something other than history, constriction in the surgical instruments. The fate you are going to meet is going to be so beautiful for everyone else. You are going to scream. You know, a lot of this is about birth. Through these broken walls I hope you realise that everything here is supposed to create life. Even the mistakes. Someday I’ll write a love letter to Rosalind Elsie Franklin, like the ones strewn about my bedroom, where I tell her about my day and ask if she would like to stir sugar into tea with me and call it a case study into romantics. Now, pick your metaphor and run with it, show me how exactly you’re supposed to be reading this. And when you find the answer, let me know. Welcome to the beginning.
From a collection of poetry I wrote for a creative writing portfolio in second year of university, titled 'Spiral'.