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b e mccomb Sep 6
i let myself
slip away

get lost
in other people's
words
thoughts

i fell out
of my purse
or forgot myself
in the pocket
of my winter coat
a suspicious
feeling
something
(not sure what)
was missing

it's easy
to get trapped
in a screen
a mental box of
scrolling
mindlessly
drifting
away my weekends

so easy
to forget
meaning
is so often
simply found
in creating

it's been
hard lately

i've been coming
to terms with
my mental state
for ten years
and i'm still not
satisfied

in knowing i can't
change this
can't fix myself
and that maybe
the drugs don't
even work

it's not
working


this is not
working

"no drugs
no therapy
just raw-*******
reality"

it's funny
until it's not

it's funny
until the darkness
starts creeping
its way behind
my ears and
muffling reality

it's funny
until i get drunk
funny til i
relapse

(i hate saying relapse
as if slicing open
my own skin to
calm down is
some kind of
addiction i can't break
because it's not
i don't have to do this)

it's funny until
it's not funny anymore

it's funny until i get
dragged under into
apathy by my
mental to-do list

message my doctor
about the meds
i stopped taking
two weeks ago

and call the other doctor
to get seen about that chronic
blood condition that almost
killed me that one time

call about the
iud
call about the
tattoo
call about the
driving lessons
call about the
rest of my life

i'm spiraling again
different time
different place
same looping
descent into
my own madness
copyright 9/5/22 by b.e. mccomb
.
Nothing is scarier than being

So much emotion your emotionless
Speechless
Silent and quiet
Hands twisting imitating the spiraling in my brain
Being confronted upfront and blunt with all that pain
Just numb
Anger
Fear
Pain
Hurt
                              TERROR
and nothing
The endless nothing
Screaming at you behind bars
Consuming
Unending
The rage
The seething hatred
You scream
Screaming back
                              WHY
WHY ****** WHY
******* ANSWER
nothing
Always nothing
Never an answer
Waking up
Moving
Head in a field of wheat
Just a dream
Look close at nothing
To hurt nothing you would have to reach through bars
But bars are there to protect
You
You put them up
You did this
You don't want to hurt nothing
Nothing is always there for you
And you realize
Realize nothing is you
Behind a bars your own reflection seethes back at you
And nothing more

Wordless is scarier than
Read it forwards and backwards
Two in one poem
UNiTY Jun 24
Born into the darkest maze,
lost within the ruler's gaze-

Delivered at the peak of downward spin
no choice to speak, no chance to win

Going under arrows , went over my head
cannot tell direction , pull me out of bed

And when I reached the cliff at the end ?
I wondered just where else my eyes had been

Looking at the light I know it seems so hard to summit
If I climb this outward spiral, tell me will I plummet?

Fly right upward past denial, do I have the stomach?
Reflections Of Healing PTSD
lucid May 25
I wanna look as different as I can
Than the girl you fell in love with.
The "girl next door,"
With the frizzy brown hair
And wide eyes -
I don't want to be her anymore.

I want to dye my hair dark green,
And get the kind of nose piercing
You said you didn't like.
I want to either get a beautiful tattoo sleeve,
Or
An old bald guy smoking a cigar,
Tattooed somewhere on my stomach.
I want to get some boots and overalls,
And maybe start smoking.
Hell, I wanna get my **** pierced,
As scary as that sounds.

I want to have scars
That are visible.
I want to wear mascara that runs.
On the weekends, I wanna get hammered
And bring someone home...
Even though it'll make me feel empty.
I'd like to quit my fitness center job,
And make 20 bucks or so a night
Doing drag king gigs.
I want to ruin my family's opinion of me
By coming out.

I don't care if
I'm seen as crazy.
All I want is distance,
Pushing the life I used to love
To the other side of the globe.
I want to get lost if I go looking for it,
Unsure of which wind will take me there.
I need to launch it so far into the void
That it stops existing.

I've got to get away from
The life I used to love with you.
Otherwise,
I'll be drowning in my sorrow forever.
pilgrims Mar 27
Bald eagle presents overhead
Lazily looping, wind under wing
Feeling natural
Being free
Easing
the spiral through skies
MawaLin Jun 2021
I keep hushing my mind.
It’s constantly threatening to spiral.
Gabriel Apr 2021
Take four
and make mistakes,
wake in the morning
to check
that your fingers are attached
to the undeniable spot
where your hands end.
Watch the clock
in case it stops;
Dislodge the plaque
behind your gums
and scream in silence
at reflection-you.
Tick tock.
Script the helix
and watch it spiral,
dipped in mothers’ milk,
everyone, gather round
for the epiphany
T-minus twelve days.
Creation calls.
Victor Frankenstein here?
Making something other than history,
constriction in the surgical instruments.
The fate you are going to meet
is going to be so beautiful
for everyone else.
You are going to scream.
You know,
a lot of this is about birth.
Through these broken walls
I hope you realise
that everything here
is supposed to create life.
Even the mistakes.
Someday I’ll write a love letter
to Rosalind Elsie Franklin, like the ones
strewn about my bedroom,
where I tell her about my day
and ask if she would like to stir sugar
into tea with me
and call it a case study into romantics.
Now, pick your metaphor
and run with it, show me
how exactly you’re supposed
to be reading this.
And when you find the answer,
let me know.
Welcome to the beginning.
From a collection of poetry I wrote for a creative writing portfolio in second year of university, titled 'Spiral'.
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